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Jealous? Or just losing his mind? Where do I start....My mom (72 yrs old) has early AD. Currently living at home with husband (80 yrs old) - my stepfather, who is almost deaf & has health issues. I am the oldest of 3 adult children. Anyway one major problem is my stepfather seems to be in denial regarding moms illness. She can no longer manage paying bills, Dr. appts, house keeping, etc. When we try to help, he gets upset & says she can still do all the things she used to do. He thinks we're interfering & trying to run things. Mom is very happy to have help & even she gets mad with him for not wanting us to help. He won't/can't do these things & we don't expect him to. We just want to help keep them both safe and keep their bills paid & the house semi-clean! Any idea why he behaves this way? Any suggestions?

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Oh, I'm so glad you guys are here to offer suggestions. Thank you SO much!
Babalou...I will definitely contact his doctor and explain the situation. Also I will contact Adult Protective Services for advice.
Eyerishlass...very good advice, thank you!
GardenArtist....Fortunately, I can pay all their bills online. He is aware that I do that. He isn't able to pay the bills. He can't even write a check. He has RA so his hands are very crippled. Mom has always done everything for him and now she just can't. He's having a real hard time with it. Yes, I take mom out to lunch and when I invite him he won't go. He acts like a spoiled child. I know I can't change the way he behaves, but I so want him to feel good and be happy. Also, I didn't mention it in my earlier post, but they are both hoarders. This in itself stresses mom out. She doesn't want people to visit (except for immediate family). I have spent many a weekend trying to clean, sort, organize and throw away stuff with her permission, but give them a couple months and the mess is back. They have several rooms that you cant even walk in because of so much stuff. I'm sure you've seen the TV show about hoarders, well they're a prime example. They can't afford a cleaning person. They can barely afford their meds. I help financially when I can. The mess would scare off a cleaning person! :) I worry about BOTH of them. They used to be so in love and happy and now its like they can hardly tolerate each other. I feel like something's gotta give. I'm sure you guys are struggling as well with your family situations. I'll keep you in my prayers.
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My thoughts were exactly as Eyerishlass stated - he's angry because he's losing control, doesn't know how to handle it, and takes it out on you.

Is there a way you can arrange to help your mother secretly, such as taking her out to lunch, lingering a while back at your house and taking care of the bills and other financial issues? Is your or your sister's name(s) on their checking account so you could pay the bills w/o your stepfather being aware?

As to his toileting issues, I think it's just too much for your mother to have to clean up. If they can afford it, hire someone to help with the cleaning. I also think the idea of contacting APS or maybe the county social worker to find out what help is available is a good idea. It sounds he's just too much for your mother to handle - probably too much for anyone alone to take care of.
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Maybe your stepfather has a sense that he's losing control over his life. That can make someone angry and defiant. Throw in a little denial and you've got a stubborn old man who won't budge an inch no matter how much help he and your mom may need.

Continue helping out when and where you can. Try giving your stepfather small tasks to do. Let him feel like he's helping, that he's still essential and useful.
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You need to contact his doctor and report what you are observing. He might have a uti, or he might have dementia. If you akert the doctor, the doctor might ask him to come in to be checked out.

You might also call Adult Protective Services and ask for their advice about of to proceed.
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Babalou, thank you for your response. I'm new at this website and may not be posting at the right place, hope you get my reply :).......Yes he has hearing aids. No he does not have any adult children or any living relatives. He goes to his doctor regularly, but not for mental evaluation. If I suggested that, I'm sure he would get mad and not agree to be evaluated. He has changed a lot in the last several months. A lot of which comes with age for some people, like he doesn't want to bathe or shave. He has issues controlling his bladder and bowels, but refuses to wear undergarments. He wets the bed/couch/chairs, pees all over the bathroom, etc and it's creating so much work for my mother who has early AD is not mentally or physically able to clean up after him. She loves him but he's driving her CRAZY! They only live 20 minutes away, but I can't be there ALL the time to help her. Me and my sister work full time and my brother is in a wheelchair so he is not able to help (we have to help care for him too). He's starting to accuse me and my sister of taking stuff. Yesterday he accused me of taking a bladder bag that my mom got from the hospital when she had a recent bladder surgery. What the heck would I need with a bladder bag!! Anyway, I've never had a bad relationship with him, but lately he seems angry with me and my sister that we are trying to help. I've offered to help HIM also, like taking him to his appts or making appts for him or running errands, etc but he won't let me help him. He is able to drive, but he's not a safe driver at 80 yrs old. Anyway, I just have to take it one day at a time and hope for the best. Thanks for listening.
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Can you get him to see his doctor? He might have dementia as well.

Does he use hearing aids? Would they help? Does he have adult children as well?
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