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I have DPOA. My stepdad doesnt want me to help take care of my mom. She has Alzheimer's mid stages. She takes a shower about once a week. The house is not in livable conditions. She wears a cpac and oxygen and is suppose to wear them when she naps and at bedtime. About all they do is sleep and eat. i do her laundry because she dont do it. She will wear the same clothes for 2 or 3 days. He dont help her out at all. He is with her because if she goes first he will get her retirement. He is a very selfish man. he is always bring up to my mom how im inferring in there lives. He jumps on me about once a week,saying im not taking care of my mom out of love. I am an only child. My mom is my best friend, she is my world. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Dont know what to do.

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I think that's a good point made by Cwillie. If he either refuses to accept her diagnosis or is not able to understand how dementia works, he may think that helping her with things is enabling her to not do better. Even people who are able to understand what dementia is still blame the dementia patient for not bathing, not using the bathroom, repeating, etc. If he cannot or will not accept that, then he's not a proper caregiver for your mom. I don't know how you get around that, but, long term, it will have to be addressed.

You say that the house is not in livable condition. I might see if he would allow a housekeeper to clean and see if he's open to that. She can't live in a house that is not acceptable. If not, then, I might have to see an attorney.

You might need to find one who handles Family Law and Elder Law, since there may be issues of marital law and those involving seniors. I'm all for working things out, being congenial, however, what happens when your mom is incontinent, can't walk or feed herself? I'd be looking at the long term needs. If he's woefully lacking in just getting her bathed and doing the housekeeping, then I can't see how he could do around the clock care as she progresses.

I'd have to see to it my mom was taken care of and would get legal advice to know what I might have to do.

Does her husband have any adult children, siblings or friends who could talk to him or intervene? What about a minister?
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It could also be that he is lacks understanding or is in denial about her diagnosis and feels you are enabling her by doing things she should be taking care of herself. Do you have medical as well as dpoa?
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trinagk, I don't know how old is your Step-Dad, but if he is in his 80's or 90's, chances are he never learned to be a "caregiver", thus is he lost, he is grumpy, and probably embarrassed that he's not doing what needs to be done. And this isn't the retirement he had planned for the both of them so naturally he's upset with your Mom for getting Alzheimer's.

How agreeable would your Step-Dad be to learn to do things around the house? It might give him a sense of accomplishment. Or would he feel that's "woman's work" and not want to do chores?

In my parents case, my late Mom [97] finally got Dad to use the vacuum cleaner to help her, and to hand wash the dishes. Dad was always the breadwinner and the fix-it guy for chores, yard work, and tinkering in his workshop. Laundry? Sewing? Cooking? Dusting? nope.
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It sounds like your stepfather is making a difficult situation even worse. Caring for someone with Alzheimer's is hard enough without having someone criticizing you every step of the way.

Just work around him. As long as you still have access to your mom, that is, as long as your stepfather hasn't banned you from coming in, continue to do what you can for your mom. Try not to pay any attention to him. I know it's easier said than done but when you're there your priority is your mom, not him.

Tidy up when you're there, get your mom into some clean clothes. Do the best you can with what you've got and when you walk out know that you've done what you could for that day and that it's good enough.
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