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My stepfather is 86 and mother 85. Mom has very bad arthritis in her back and knees. They used to sleep in a queen sized bed but my dad would often fall off the bed during the night or was so restless that he would wind up pushing my mom off while she was asleep.

This happed so often that my mother decided that it was time for them to sleep in the middle of separate beds. Their ages were 76 and 74 at that time.
My stepdad had prostrate removal several years ago and the sex has been non existent.

My dad now has Lewy Body Dementia. It's in its severe stage and he is taking 3 different medications to help bring him out of depression, hallucinations and improvement in his cognitive ability, however, they haven't made much difference. Because it is Lewy Body Dementia he has the Parkinson systems that accompany this type of dementia. He has to use a walker or he'll fall. He even falls with one,so we have to spot him when he is up walking.

The biggest problem is: My dad is insisting on sleeping with my mom again. My mother refuses because of her own inabilities. Because she won't give in to his demands, he wants a divorce based on the fact that he believes that they have been married for 33 years (its actually 23) and they have never had sex, and she has always locked her bedroom door at night. This has only been for the last 2 months because he keeps waking her up for kisses and to fondle her breasts. He wakes her up whether she napping in her recliner or on her bed. My stepbrother and I have to block him from her door because he will just stand outside and keep knocking and calling her name over and over again.

2 weeks ago he told us that he wasn't happy and wants a divorce from my mother because she won't lay with him, be fondled, get hit in her sleep or take the chance of either if them falling off of the bed.

He insists that he doesn't want to fondle my mom but he sometimes admits that he does. A few nights ago my sister-in-law and I were dealing with him Sun downing and trying to get to my mother. At one point he became difficult to handle and as we walked out of the room he yelled out that he want to F*** my mother.

She has Durable power of attorney over his health care and finances. We are well aware that he can leave and we can't stop him if he want to.

His Geriatric Psychiatrist has written a letter stating; he is not capable of making decisions on his own. She has taken that letter to the bank, his financial advisor where he has his annuities and her attorney along with with the signed and witnessed documents POA documents.

Now comes the question:

If he leaves does she still have control over his finances and health care since the POA papers were signed 10 years ago before the dementia started happening, and has the signed letter from his specialists?

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Froggie10, did her lawyer advise her to file for guardianship? I assume that rather than wash her hands of him she wants to continue looking after him out of love. Would that assumption be correct?

My husband had LBD for 10 years, before he died at age 86. Many years before that he had REM Sleep Behavior Disorder (RBD), which involves having certain kinds of dreams and acting them out in bed. This can be dangerous for the sleeper and his bed partner but is easily controlled with a medication. RBD is very common with LBD, often starting years before the dementia appears.

I don't see you mentioning a medication to solve the sleep disorder. If StepDad's sleep disorder could be controlled, would you mother consider sleeping in the same bed with him again?

I really do relate to the problem of the dementia patient wanting sex (even when that isn't possible for him to perform) and the spouse being reluctant or unwilling. Even if she still loves him very much, your mother is in a new relationship with her husband. They are no longer equal partners but caregiver/dependent. It can be comforting to both parties to share a bed. If the sleep disorder is the main obstacle, I hope a doctor will help resolve that.

My heart goes out to your Mom, to your stepDad, and to you. Dementia is such a cruel disease.
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Although my Mother is 85, she's in good health. She has filed for guardianship. I'm concerned that the court will consider her age a problem.
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You don't have to be married to be a POA, and it sounds as though a psychiatrist has stated that the is not competent to revoke the POA to assign a new one. Your mom can still act as his agent regardless of where he lives and it sounds as though he really needs someone to look out for him.
My sis's FIL had LBD also and discovered that strange sexual misconceptions are not unusual with that diagnosis. Perhaps you could look into alternative living arrangements for your dad, would he still qualify for assisted living? This would provide more assistance for him as well as outside documentation of his capabilities. It doesn't necessarily have to be a permanent arrangement, you can reassess things later, but your mom could probably use a break as well.
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