Step-mother won't let my father with Alzheimer's talk to us children.

Wow, I'm impressed! Every single post before mine in response to the OP, is/was from someone who has tons of experience, with Dementia. Now we really know what it's like to be on the other side of dementia, where the women single handedly care for theur Mother's or Father's through this horrific ilness!! I hope the OP learned something by them, I know that I did!

Ever hear the phrase "don't kick the skunk"? Boundaries have to be set if you show up unannounced to see your dad you have no idea the repercussions your step mother will have to deal with for days from your Dad. This is not a walk in the park my dear. I am the step mother also, my step daughter won't come here but she tells all her friends that I will not let her come here nor will I let her see her Father, which is a lie to cover up her guilt. Four years now, she lives 25 minutes but has not even bothered to call to see how he ( we) are doing. If anyone has POA it's your Step Mother and rightfully so, as I do.

8/28/16 kmonty: I would definitely go and see your father in person. If you show up at their place of residence, the step mom is going to have to let you in. If she does not, that's when you call Adult Protective Services!

08/28/16....kmonty, when you get some time, please come back to this thread and fill us in on some of our questions.... that way we could give you more help :)

Is this a recent change for you? About nine months ago, my mother who lived in assisted living began making repeated, angry phone calls to me, my daughter, her sister, and then to random phone numbers. We tried various things to make her stop, but finally had to remove her phone. In February she moved to a memory care wing and some meds were added, some discontinued and some dosages were changed. Now, six months later, she is more calm. Just in the past few weeks I have helped her call her elderly sister during my visits (using my phone), and she is able to have a short conversation. She then asks where her phone is, and I tell her I don't know. She forgets about it soon after.

Maybe your step- mother is dealing with some similar behaviors and letting your father talk on the phone causes problems. Have you asked her the reason? Perhaps things will change in a few months and you will be able to speak to him again.

My mother in law has dementia and various degrees of sundowning and lives with us. Since she has been living with us it is apparent that family members who haven't seen her in a while or only rarely see her have no idea what she is like. If they see her for a short period they see the showtiming she can keep up for visitors and strangers for short spurts. When they leave we have to deal with the behaviors, confusion and severe sundowning that always follow these visits. She used to be a people person but now she is almost deaf and cannot follow a conversation or come up with anything to talk about. Small talk is so difficult for her the effort does more harm to her than good. None of her family live close and we don't tell them they can't visit but we don't encourage it and when someone does visit we limit the time they interact with her but they still ask if they can talk to her on the phone. Boggles the mind. She forgets day to day what time period she's living in. She asks if her mother is still alive (she's 97). She has a niece who regularly sends her envelopes full of clippings and long letters full of her personal rantings that would be very confusing to my mother in law. We've told her she doesn't appreciate or understand this sort of thing anymore and to just send a simple card but it falls on deaf ears. In her mind her aunt remains the same person she was several years ago when she last saw her. You can't just explain this to people and they won't see it on a short visit. Hopeless situation.

I am sure some of her relatives think we are being mean and locking her away but they just don't see what we do on a daily basis. We keep her as comfortable and calm as we can while trying to keep a little of our own sanity. We wouldn't understand all this either if we weren't living it so I don't blame people if they think we are keeping her away from them. If they want to accuse us of elder abuse bring it on. I sincerely doubt any of them want to deal with what we are.

Sunday, August 28, 7:00 am CDT

K, Elder abuse? There could be many reasons, that are in the best interests of your dad, why step mom will not "let" you talk with him. As others said he may not be able to talk. Maybe he becomes more confused and agitated afterwards. In my case I restricted phone calls from anybody after 5:00 pm. My mom has alzheimers and her sundowning behaviors became very difficult after phone conversations. She thought any number of things that had no basis in reality, always that we were young children.. She had to pick up her children, we were missing, had run away, that she needed to feed us dinner, we had homework to do.... And I was always there with her, she did not recognize that I was her daughter sometimes, sometimes she did. She was not able to rationally figure anything out, nothing made sense to her. Sometimes she would even accuse me of being an imposter, wondered who I was and wanted me to leave. These times were especially difficult, more so for her. What stopped the late afternoon phone calls was Mom frequently would tell sibs that there were people in the house that she did not know who they were and she was afraid.

Is your dad living at home or at a facility? Would stepmom allow you to visit. Sundowning behaviors, unfortunately last throughout the day for some. When they do that becomes very difficult for the caregiver. The caregiver needs to place restrictions to curtail as much as they can, the combative behaviors that are nearly impossible to deal with.

I would suggest that you find a caregiver support meeting, or attend classes or read books about Alzheimer's and caregiving. You may develop a new appreciation for what stepmom is doing. Do you have friends that are caring for someone with Alzheimer's? Talk about it with anyone you know that is doing the caring and you may come to understand a completely new perspective. Another idea is to call a elderly memory care facility near you and volunteer to go in to read to residents or whatever else the facility may need done. Nothing better than walking in another's shoes to begin to comprehend how difficult caregiving is.

Could you please explain a little more:

Are you telephoning their house?
Is she refusing to call your father to the phone?
Is he trying to call you and she is ending the call?

What exactly is happening? And how long is it since you last spoke to or visited your father?

Talk to you -- as on the phone? Are you sure he is able to speak on the phone? Or to speak at all? When was the last time you spoke to him? Saw him?

If he can speak to you and wants to speak to you, then for his wife to prevent him from doing so might be abusive. I can't imagine how you'd prove that, though, without some evidence. And it is interesting that you ask for help proving abuse on her part, and not for help about communicating with your father. Hmm ...

Do you live at such a distance that it is a hardship to go and see him?

Go visit him in person. It will be an illuminating experience. You may be shocked by the amount of decline he has gone through. There does come a time when Alzheimer's patients are not good on the phone.

08/23/16..... Do you know why your Step-Mom isn't allowing her husband to speak to his own children? Something must have happened for her to do that. As for who is the Power of Attorney, it would be whomever your Dad had appointed. It could be his wife, or a friend, or even his attorney.

I was just wondering if the Alzheimer's had advanced to a point to where your Step-Mom is trying to spare you children... such as he's not able to comprehend or even speak correctly.