We are concerned that she is not sharing any information about his condition. We offer to come and let her have a break but she says no. We want to be with our father and involved with his care. We asked for a meeting to discuss what the doctors are saying and she said that would be good, then the day of the meeting she said no. Do we need to get a lawyer to force a meeting and let us spend time with our father and his grandchildren together. What can we do? It is not about money because we have already told her that we would help pay for his care when necessary.
With late stage Dementia there are probably issues with incontinence, and the house isn't up to where Step-Mom wants to have visitors, and she just can't find to words to explain the situation. She could be very embarrassed.
And she is probably very afraid about her own future. If your Dad isn't there any more, then she worries what happens to her. Does she have any grown children? If not, that makes it more difficult for her.
Just keep the lines of communications opens, which I know you and the rest of the family are already doing. When you call ask first how is she doing.... start a conversation about her. Maybe you will be able to break through this wall that she had put up.