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since he had a heart attack 4 yrs ago. My mother is healthy for her age but has a bad knee. She has been diagnosed with neuropathy. She takes too many pain pills. My step father is weak because he stays in the bed all the time which makes my mom run like crazy to do the simple things for him that he can really do himself. I am super worried about my mom. She passes out and usually ends up in the hospital. She's getting a little forgetful but not real bad. I don't like them being alone. I live in florida and offered to move up there to help with daily chores. Yes I want to move in with them to be around my mom 24/7. Step father says it will do more harm than good. my mom wants the help. I don't know what to do. She tells me she's ready to die and at this point in her life I don't think that should be an option! I feel my step father is running her ragged . He's like a father to me and we get along. So that is not an issue. She's only 4'9 and 120 pounds. Bottom line is, her kids want to help her even relocate to do so and he says no. Don't know what to do. Any comments or suggestions would be grateful.

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Ahh..THEY CANNOT CONTINUE TO LIVE ALONE...the never ending confabulation! They will have to make other living arrangements, even if they don't ACKNOWLEDGE the need!
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Mom needs more help to care for step-Dad. Would it really have to be hands-on help from you, living with them?

What kind of in-home help do they have now? What else do they need help with? The list to consider includes:
1) house cleaning
2) laundry
3) yard work (if applicable -- are they in a house or apartment?)
4) household maintenance (handyman services)
5) snow removal (if applicable)
6) shopping for groceries, etc.
7) cooking
+++++++++++++
8) medication management
9) helping SF shower

If mother had plenty of help with these things, she might not feel so worn out waiting on her husband. And all of these things can be hired out to people experienced and/or trained to do them well, without family members pulling up roots and moving in.

It is NOT a case of either you move into their home against SF's wishes or you do nothing. Help them figure out what would be most beneficial and start with arranging that.

If you really, really want to move, move into your own apartment or house close to them and visit often. Keep an eye on things. But please respect the dynamics of your parents' marriage. Don't move in with them.
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Step dad sounds pretty alarming. Will he allow visits? not moving, just visiting...
while you are there, go with to a Dr. they will want tests done. you can get a poa form there, set up some visits to assisted living places to see if they will consider it.
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I see a couple very different problems--at least. Maybe you need to rethink this man who is "like a father" to you, or at least get some detail as to why your presence would make things worse. If he's too weak to do for himself, why should he get to decide how much help your mom can have? Does mom just cave in to his wishes? Maybe that worked in the past for them, but her present and future needs are at stake now, and he doesn't sound capable of helping her (or even himself). I hope you will question giving him the right to control everyone in this situation because they past living model no longer works. The other big issue I see is your mom losing consciousness. You need answers to this!! If I combine this with your note that she takes too many painkillers, I worry that she has a dependency on them, which can cause her to take more and more as her body adapts to them, causing the meds to have less and less painkilling effect.This happens to good people!! And once they take the med, their thinking can become fuzzy (like your mom being forgetful, maybe?), and they may take the med again. Pain pills act by slowing down the nervous system, so taking too much can slow the heart. This happened to my daughter, who passed one dark night 6 years ago after years of pain and painkillers. Whether or not my experience sounds an alarm, you need to know why she loses consciousness. Maybe you can line up a visit to coincide with a doc appt for her -- and go with her, armed with questions! Good luck!!
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Jowanna having read Your post I'd agree with You that Your Step Dad is running
Your Mom ragged, catering to His every needs. If it were Me I would not hesitate to move in with Your Parents to assist Your Mom in caring for Your Step Dad, since Your Mom is 80 years now and should not be expected to be a full time Carer. I bet Your Mom would be delighted with Your company and companionship as it would be a great release from Caring for Your Step Dad. You would have no regrets.
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I agree with Pam. Lots to consider. Maybe go for an extended visit...say for at least a week just to better assess their situation.
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If you decide to do this, get a POA and medical POA before you go.. and have the will or trust amended to include you, as it sounds like you are going to be the 24 7 CG and giving up employment to do so, thus impacting your future income/SS etc. What happens if Mom does die? will sf children ( if there are any) come out of the woodwork and take his money? Where will you be then? Will your own siblings be after some money? You really need to think this over! And good luck!
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Is your mom competent to make her own decisions? If so, then, I don't know how you can force her to move. As long as she's not being held against her will and she's competent to stay with her husband, then, I am not aware of a way to stop it. However, if you suspect abuse or incompetence with her mentally, I'd seek legal advice on what measures you could take in court. I'd seek advice on what evidence you would need and the process.

I would say that considering what you have described, how would this be better in your home? It sounds like step dad has lot of issues and it would be a disaster inviting him into your place.

Do you know why she's passing out? I'd take caution before inviting them into my home. Why not see if they qualify for Assisted Living, which provides more daily care than an Independent Living facility?
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