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I recently have learned that my spouse's children have planned to take on the care of my husband, we are married, because they don't like the way that I am caring for him. He has early onset dementia and has told them some things about me that I have reason to believe is not about me at all but possibly his first wife, their mother.
It has turned into a nasty mess and I don't know what my legal rights are. Can someone who has been through this help me with some advice or ideas?

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His children can plan anything they want but unless they have the actual legal authority to act on their plans, nothing can happen without your say so.

It doesn't matter what he told them, whether it's true or not, because he has a dementia diagnosis and is no longer considered as having capacity.

That said, protect yourself. Take stock of your housing arrangements. Do you own or rent your home together with your husband? What about your finances? Do you have joint bank accounts, etc?

So again, unless he appointed one of his children as his legal representative and *while he still had capacity* you are his wife and you are his next of kin.
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Attorney! You are the spouse. Even if he died, in my state you could override decisions at the funeral home. Try your best not to make this an all out battle. Find out what it is he may have told them or ask what it is they don't like about your caregiving skills. You may be able to sort it all out.
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JoAnn29 Aug 2021
Yes she is the spouse. If the children have no POA, then the wife makes the decisions.
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Call an attorney. FAST!
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Rugh now you have legal rights to take care of your husband.
Unless your husband signed something.
Other than that, the kids would have to bring you to court to try to prove that you're not taking care of him.
That cost money so they probably won't do it.
Just stans up to them and Nicely tell them that you will be taking care of your husband
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NYDaughterInLaw Aug 2021
This is a great answer.
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He can’t put their names on the house you both live in, in his WILL, unless you are estranged.
I don’t know how old you are, but at 62, you are entitled to 1/2 of his Social Security, no matter what his brats do.
I hate lawyers, but you need a probate lawyer to protect your rights.
They may try to say you are exploiting him, based on his “deluded state.”
Please ask for a referral from a trusted friend or call someone at Probate for direction.
If they want to help out with care, that’s fine, but as far as making you out to be financially nefarious, that’s just “gaslighting.”
Stay strong and connected to an ally.
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Isthisrealyreal Aug 2021
Yes he can. Living some place doesn't give you ownership and he can leave his share to whomever he chooses.
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There are things that you need to do or fined out.
Does any of his Kids have the magic POA?
Are any of his Kids a joint on the bank accounts.?
Please get yourself an an attorney that specializes in Elder Care.
Does he have a Will or Living Trust?
Do you have kids that will be by your side?
Have you or can change the locks on the doors.
Because when you married him, that marriage contract gave you a huge amount of power that power (will change from state to state).
Now the moral questions that need to be answered.
Do you really want to block his kids from seeing him or helping him?
Do you just want his kids to stop running you over?
Lastly there will be a point when you will need help, dementia and Alzheimer's care is not a one women show at least it shouldn't be.
How do you want to get the extra help your going to need?
Good luck
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Talk to a lawyer. Find an attorney who specializes in this dilemma. You may find good referrals from your doctor or hospital
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MaryKathleen Aug 2021
Or the County Bar Association, if there isn't one, try the State Bar Association.
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Pack your bags. All they all want is money. No matter what you do they want you gone. Step kids all the same. $$$.
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Sarah3 Aug 2021
Your right they want his money- but she’s his wife. Why would you encourage her to leave?
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Seek lawyer specializing in SeniorCare, and also determine if a medical Doctor can verify the nature/amount of dementia.
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Another option is to divorce your husband, get your share of assets and let his children take on the monumental task of his care.
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smartbutton Aug 2021
I divorced while he was sick . Regret it now . Didn’t change much but husbands son made sure to have dads money put with an accountant who just gave it to the adult spoiled son- he didn’t come to funeral or help in any way with burial expenses, cremation- nope! I was divorced but was there daily with our little dogs, every hospital every rehab every appointment I got him to.
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I believe we need to get more information from CMESTERAS to be able to offer much more help.
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Please see a lawyer in your area pronto. He/She can let you know your options. It might also be a good idea to update your wills, power of attorney for financial, and power of attorney for medical.
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Who has legal POA?

if it is one of them, they have the legal ability to divorce you.

You may want to speak with a lawyer ASAP if it is one of them and he has the interest and capacity to change this to you.
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If there isn't a durable medical POA putting them in charge, they aren't. YOU are. Have they spent enough time with their father, for several hours at a time, to realize that his statements aren't terribly trustworthy? Maybe you should arrange for each of them to spend a couple days alone with him, talking. I bet they'll hear all sorts of believable things about themselves and the ir mother. They'll probably back off once they get accused of assorted crimed.
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Early onset (as in "young onset") or the early stages? - how old is your husband?

Your husband's children don't like the way you are caring for him, or don't like what they hear from him about how you're caring for him? Such as - what?

How long have you been married to your husband?

How old are the children, and what are their different plans for their father's care?

The emotional heat seems to have come from some past misdemeanour, or alleged misdemeanour, that your husband is attributing to you but you have (what?) reason to believe was his previous wife's doing... Have you said as much to the children?
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Imho, perhaps you need to retain an elder law attorney.
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MaryKathleen Aug 2021
One of the attorneys I have is an Elder Law Advocate.
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I would definitely have a consult with a certified elder law attorney to get some guidance to learn your rights and what steps you can or should take. I believe unless he has appointed a child as health care POA, you being his legal spouse retain control of major decision making....Take good care....
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Take a trip and have the step children look after dad for a couple weeks. See how that goes.
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How early onset, how long married?
Could his children claim he was demented when he married?
You have every right to defend yourself. His children may feel morally bound to see that he receives the best care possible and are truly concerned.
In a perfect world the best recourse would be to work together. It truly takes a village to care for someone with dementia. Some judges have been known to assign guardianship to a guardian outside the family when there is contention.
Wishing you and all concerned a way to work through this misunderstanding.
A visit with the right attorney should help you sort out your best course of action.
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I am sorry that your stepchildren are believing statements from your husband that aren’t true. Have you tried to explain the facts to them?

I would see an attorney to put your mind at ease and to prepare yourself as much as possible for your future. Best wishes to you.
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Who has POA? If you, unless they file for guardianship, there is nothing they can do at this point. If no one has POA, you maybe able to get it if your husband still can understand what assigning you means. If he cannot understand, then no one can get POA and guardianship has to be filed for. If you have the money, I would get that started. You need to protect yourself. We have had posts on here where a child has POA and swoops in and takes a parent out of the marital home leaving the step-parent high and dry. Depending on how long you have been married, you are entitled to at least some of the assets you have accumulated during your marriage.

I would see a lawyer to protect yourself and husband too.
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Blended families, especially "late" ones, are often a hot mess of complicated relationships and responsibilities. Maybe ask for a "reset" with his children and have a calm discussion in the presence of a legal family mediator.

If your husband has a medical diagnosis of dementia/memory impairment and he created a new PoA after this diagnosis, I'd say his children's chances of being assigned PoA are diminished. Their only other course of action would be guardianship, which is very expensive and time-consuming. And if the judge is dismayed by family in-fighting, would possibly assign guardianship to a 3rd party not related.

Please consider that if you and your husband were married when his children were adults, they have very little, if any, affinity for the new portion of their family. It is difficult for adult children to learn how to trust a total stranger with someone they love, no matter how nice you think you are. Add into the mix that if you were very recently married then they may be confused about who takes care of whom in this situation. Please try to be a peacemaker first -- it will be worth it in the end.
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