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We, as human beings, need to understand that the phone, texting, email, social media, and postal address works both ways.
If you are the only one, ever reaching out, you can stop, let it go, do nothing. If you don't want to have contact, you are free to not answer. Try not to overthink it and relax about it.
Someday, if you want to maybe send a card, you can. There does not have to be conflict as a reason you are not contacting siblings. No guilt is necessary, unless you want to feel guilty for your own reasons.
I hope everyone who reads this will never be hurt again if you have decided that contact is not good for your own well-being and peace of mind.
I love having close relationships with my kinfolks. BUT - there are some family members who are so toxic that I see no sense in trying to keep a relationship going. Since I cut off ties, I don't miss them at all. It's such an individual thing that everyone needs to do what is best for them.
I do admit to being in a quandary when some distant relative contacts me on Ancestry and gushes about how she met "Millie" and "Hortense" and hopes we can all get together sometime and share family stories. Boy, do I have a bunch! None of which are the warm fuzzy family stuff she's looking for! Documented stories, like the time Hortense sued me over nothing, causing me much pain, anguish and financial loss, and the judge threw it out of court. And Millie, who lies about everything under the sun; it's habitual and linked to one of her mental disorders. I just want to be rid of them, and I'm not up for repairing the relationships. They're bad. Just bad.
I'm sixty-seven and I have pretty much given up on my siblings and extended family as far as communication goes. I lost my brother last year and he was the only sibling I had contact with on a regular basis. The other two siblings I may speak to once in awhile. We are doing well if we speak once a year at the most.
I called my middle brother back in October 2024, just to check in. This is the last time we spoke.
One of my sister's daughters constantly harps on past incidents that she has built up in her head just to start arguments about. The last incident was about the family home, and she felt that her mom should have been willed the house. My younger sister and I were the last to leave that home. I stayed long enough to have my younger sister placed in a group home after mom died, but it took some time. It was a three year process. The home had to be built, and my sister had to be enrolled in a day program in order to be eligible for placement. All of this took time. There was a lot of back and forth during this process. Older sister got mad and started making false reports to APS. A month before my sister's placement, I found a place not far from the family home. I moved out of the home two weeks before my sister was due for placement. Dad had to come from Maryland to stay with sis until she left for her new home.
It simply behooves me how people can build their own interpretation of a story that is not factual.
I no longer waste time on people who want to misunderstand me.
I’m sorry for any hurt in this. I often think how sad my parents would feel to know my siblings and I have so little relationship. I often envy families who are close, it’s what I grew up with and used to have. Nothing bad happened to cause the lack of anything now, they simply aren’t interested. I told one of my brothers that once, saying I wasn’t mad at him but he just wasn’t interested. He replied “I can own that” My thoughts are, it’s never wrong to reach out and show interest, to try to stay in touch, and it’s also never wrong to protect yourself from hurt and pain. We all need to find the balance of that that works for us
This is a timely topic for me as my DH and I were just discussing this.
I sent an Easter message to my siblings on Easter Sunday plus a Happy B'day greeting to my one sis and CRICKETS!
Same thing. After my mom died ten years ago we all slowly lost touch. As far as I know there is no bad blood between any of us. So, what gives?
It does make me sad and lonely. I feel like when mom died, the whole family died.
When I was caregiving for my mom I was resentful of my family members for not helping but really never voiced it verbally. Maybe, they sensed the hostility. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I wish we could all hash it out but also feel like it's probably best to let sleeping dogs lie.
Once you reach out all else is water under the bridge! Love them and include them in your life! My cousin lives in Hawaii and I did not know that until ten years ago! I finally reached out to her and we talk and occasionally she will send a picture of the beautiful scenery there! I share my grands with her and she does the same! The first step is awkward and shaky but soon they will reach out! ((Hugs))
I am surprised they have not kept in touch because you do livebin Hawaii.
My Mom passed away 8 yrs ago. I rarely saw my younger brother and he lives 30 min away. Since her death, I have not heard from him. I text Happy Birthday every year, no response. I texted that his best friend in school had a stroke, no response. I have lived in the same house for 43 yrs. He choses not to keep in touch. I do hear from my other brother ocassionally, more his wife. They live 7 hours away. I am the oldest. I feel, at the age of 75, that I have done my share of reaching out. I have put the ball in their court now. I am tired of trying. That goes for my siblings and my husbands.
That is wonderful that you have kept in touch! Yes same here my youngest brother lives 7 minutes from me - I have not heard from him since Christmas it is now April. I will send him a text or call - leave a message he never responds but I will always do it - why - so he knows I am here. If he never responds thats okay. I will always wish him happy birthday, merry christmas, happy easter whatever - I will never stop!
My sister and I text or talk each day. We see each other at least each month. (we are both in our 70's)
I have to ask why you have not had contact in 5 years. If it was due to a disagreement put it behind you. Now if it due to abuse of any kind I understand and some things are left as they are. But if there is no logical reason to have not had contact....make the call or send an email.
Grandma, I think that's lovely. Treasure the relationship! Some of us would like to have closer relationships with siblings but they aren't responsive. The last four texts that I sent to my family group chat, over three weeks, drew zero responses.
Do you have any desire to visit your family members? I see your bio mentions your abusive mom. I believe you wrote that in 2023. Is your mom still living? Are you siblings caring for your mom?
I was one of five. Three brothers and a sister. Now all my brothers are gone and I really miss them. I do speak on the phone with my sister every week or two. I am also close to her daughters. I have a few cousins I enjoy keeping up with. I see my DH wish for a closer relationship with his siblings. At one time I spent a good deal of time with them. Not so much these days. I think we can all relate to your post.
I left home early but I have always traveled to visit my family. Prior to the pandemic and the political strife in the US we had an annual reunion that was well attended. I was approached by two nephews to start it again but I just didn’t feel up to it at the time. I was busy with caregiving. Perhaps I should have made a greater effort.
I see my son a few times a year. His father died a few years ago and I know he feels more alone in the world. His ex wife reaches out to me often. My youngest child moved five years ago several states away and we are actually closer now than we were when she lived near by. We traveled to see one another a couple of times last year. We have plans for this year as well. She and I both went to therapy to work on our relationship. It was worth it. Here is a book that might help you understand your family better and be at peace with where you are today in your relationships. Sometimes understanding that our experience in the family is different from our siblings experience is helpful. This might also help you better understand your son.
“What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing “ (book suggestion)
Our earliest experiences shape our lives far down the road, and What Happened to You? provides powerful scientific and emotional insights into the behavioral patterns so many of us struggle to understand.
“Through this lens we can build a renewed sense of personal self-worth and ultimately recalibrate our responses to circumstances, situations, and relationships. It is, in other words, the key to reshaping our very lives.”―Oprah Winfrey
This book is going to change the way you see your life.
Have you ever wondered "Why did I do that?" or "Why can't I just control my behavior?" Others may judge our reactions and think, "What's wrong with that person?" When questioning our emotions, it's easy to place the blame on ourselves; holding ourselves and those around us to an impossible standard. It's time we started asking a different question.
Through deeply personal conversations, Oprah Winfrey and renowned brain and trauma expert Dr. Bruce Perry offer a groundbreaking and profound shift from asking “What’s wrong with you?” to “What happened to you?”
XXXXX
Another totally different way to find a connection with family is through working on your family ancestry. I have dabbled in this for years and found a deep connection and better understanding of who my ancestors were and some of the life events that shaped my life generationally. I find it fascinating.
Many of us lose out on family due to caregiving. I know I have. I’m glad you raised the question on staying in contact. It sounds like moving to Hawaii has been healing for you. Perhaps you are looking for your next step in healing your life.
So whether you consider making a trip to visit your family or decide to study about why your family has problems or take an overall larger view of your family of origin or none of these….I wish you well. You are always welcome to be part of the Agingcare family.
Thanks for the book suggestion. I have just started trauma therapy, but I am always interested in helping myself as well.
I don't think that any therapy can help unless we're willing to put the work in and are ready to change. If someone wants someone else to just "fix" them, they will remain "broken" however many therapists they see, however many sessions they have. (Quotation marks used because nobody is really broken, although they may feel they are.)
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
If you are the only one, ever reaching out, you can stop, let it go, do nothing.
If you don't want to have contact, you are free to not answer.
Try not to overthink it and relax about it.
Someday, if you want to maybe send a card, you can. There does not have to be conflict as a reason you are not contacting siblings.
No guilt is necessary, unless you want to feel guilty for your own reasons.
I hope everyone who reads this will never be hurt again if you have decided that contact is not good for your own well-being and peace of mind.
Extra grace required!
I do admit to being in a quandary when some distant relative contacts me on Ancestry and gushes about how she met "Millie" and "Hortense" and hopes we can all get together sometime and share family stories. Boy, do I have a bunch! None of which are the warm fuzzy family stuff she's looking for! Documented stories, like the time Hortense sued me over nothing, causing me much pain, anguish and financial loss, and the judge threw it out of court. And Millie, who lies about everything under the sun; it's habitual and linked to one of her mental disorders. I just want to be rid of them, and I'm not up for repairing the relationships. They're bad. Just bad.
I called my middle brother back in October 2024, just to check in. This is the last time we spoke.
One of my sister's daughters constantly harps on past incidents that she has built up in her head just to start arguments about. The last incident was about the family home, and she felt that her mom should have been willed the house. My younger sister and I were the last to leave that home. I stayed long enough to have my younger sister placed in a group home after mom died, but it took some time. It was a three year process. The home had to be built, and my sister had to be enrolled in a day program in order to be eligible for placement. All of this took time. There was a lot of back and forth during this process. Older sister got mad and started making false reports to APS. A month before my sister's placement, I found a place not far from the family home. I moved out of the home two weeks before my sister was due for placement. Dad had to come from Maryland to stay with sis until she left for her new home.
It simply behooves me how people can build their own interpretation of a story that is not factual.
I no longer waste time on people who want to misunderstand me.
this.
I sent an Easter message to my siblings on Easter Sunday plus
a Happy B'day greeting to my one sis and CRICKETS!
Same thing. After my mom died ten years ago we all slowly
lost touch. As far as I know there is no bad blood between
any of us. So, what gives?
It does make me sad and lonely. I feel like when mom died,
the whole family died.
When I was caregiving for my mom I was resentful of my
family members for not helping but really never voiced it
verbally. Maybe, they sensed the hostility. Maybe, maybe,
maybe. I wish we could all hash it out but also feel like it's
probably best to let sleeping dogs lie.
She did not send any messages to me.
So, there you have it.
I like that sleeping dogs can lie.
Love them and include them in your life!
My cousin lives in Hawaii and I did not know that until ten years ago! I finally reached out to her and we talk and occasionally she will send a picture of the beautiful scenery there! I share my grands with her and she does the same! The first step is awkward and shaky but soon they will reach out! ((Hugs))
My Mom passed away 8 yrs ago. I rarely saw my younger brother and he lives 30 min away. Since her death, I have not heard from him. I text Happy Birthday every year, no response. I texted that his best friend in school had a stroke, no response. I have lived in the same house for 43 yrs. He choses not to keep in touch. I do hear from my other brother ocassionally, more his wife. They live 7 hours away. I am the oldest. I feel, at the age of 75, that I have done my share of reaching out. I have put the ball in their court now. I am tired of trying. That goes for my siblings and my husbands.
(we are both in our 70's)
I have to ask why you have not had contact in 5 years. If it was due to a disagreement put it behind you.
Now if it due to abuse of any kind I understand and some things are left as they are.
But if there is no logical reason to have not had contact....make the call or send an email.
Welcome back to the forum.
Do you have any desire to visit your family members? I see your bio mentions your abusive mom. I believe you wrote that in 2023. Is your mom still living? Are you siblings caring for your mom?
I was one of five. Three brothers and a sister. Now all my brothers are gone and I really miss them. I do speak on the phone with my sister every week or two. I am also close to her daughters. I have a few cousins I enjoy keeping up with. I see my DH wish for a closer relationship with his siblings. At one time I spent a good deal of time with them. Not so much these days. I think we can all relate to your post.
I left home early but I have always traveled to visit my family. Prior to the pandemic and the political strife in the US we had an annual reunion that was well attended. I was approached by two nephews to start it again but I just didn’t feel up to it at the time. I was busy with caregiving. Perhaps I should have made a greater effort.
I see my son a few times a year. His father died a few years ago and I know he feels more alone in the world. His ex wife reaches out to me often. My youngest child moved five years ago several states away and we are actually closer now than we were when she lived near by. We traveled to see one another a couple of times last year. We have plans for this year as well. She and I both went to therapy to work on our relationship. It was worth it. Here is a book that might help you understand your family better and be at peace with where you are today in your relationships. Sometimes understanding that our experience in the family is different from our siblings experience is helpful. This might also help you better understand your son.
“What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing “ (book suggestion)
Our earliest experiences shape our lives far down the road, and What Happened to You? provides powerful scientific and emotional insights into the behavioral patterns so many of us struggle to understand.
“Through this lens we can build a renewed sense of personal self-worth and ultimately recalibrate our responses to circumstances, situations, and relationships. It is, in other words, the key to reshaping our very lives.”―Oprah Winfrey
This book is going to change the way you see your life.
Have you ever wondered "Why did I do that?" or "Why can't I just control my behavior?" Others may judge our reactions and think, "What's wrong with that person?" When questioning our emotions, it's easy to place the blame on ourselves; holding ourselves and those around us to an impossible standard. It's time we started asking a different question.
Through deeply personal conversations, Oprah Winfrey and renowned brain and trauma expert Dr. Bruce Perry offer a groundbreaking and profound shift from asking “What’s wrong with you?” to “What happened to you?”
XXXXX
Another totally different way to find a connection with family is through working on your family ancestry. I have dabbled in this for years and found a deep connection and better understanding of who my ancestors were and some of the life events that shaped my life generationally. I find it fascinating.
Many of us lose out on family due to caregiving. I know I have.
I’m glad you raised the question on staying in contact. It sounds like moving to Hawaii has been healing for you. Perhaps you are looking for your next step in healing your life.
So whether you consider making a trip to visit your family or decide to study about why your family has problems or take an overall larger view of your family of origin or none of these….I wish you well. You are always welcome to be part of the Agingcare family.
I have just started trauma therapy, but I am always interested in helping myself as well.
I don't think that any therapy can help unless we're willing to put the work in and are ready to change. If someone wants someone else to just "fix" them, they will remain "broken" however many therapists they see, however many sessions they have. (Quotation marks used because nobody is really broken, although they may feel they are.)