I am 31 my mother is 59. She has been in bad health the majority of her life (but does nothing to change her situation) and really went down hill at 50. She is very over weight and has bad knees. She smokes like a chimney, drinks at least a 2 liter of coke a day while having type 2 diabetes, only snacks no real food unless I cook it because that would evolve work on her part. She don't move off the couch. The doctor got her signed up for an in home caregiver which she gave me, mind you I told her I was not wanting it because I just want to be her daughter. I've already been taking care of her for 8 yrs before this happened and one day she is really going to need me and I'll be so burnt out she will end up in a nursing home. She don't drive, never has, she don't clean, half the time I have to remind her to take a shower. She plans my weekends for me which is coming here to cook clean and grab her laundry to take home with me. If I say anything or get upset she reminds me I am her caregiver. I am introduced as her daughter/care giver. I have begged her to please find someone else to to do. The small about of $300 a month is not worth living two lives, well actually one because I can't live my life. I work 45 hours in 4 days at my job, Friday is her appointment day Sunday is her grocery day and when I date and I have to travel to spend time with them I get asked "Well what about me?" The problem is my mother has helped me. I was in an abusive relationship for 6 yrs. She helped me get out, let me live with her when I was younger without paying rent so I could work, save money for a descent car and I went back to college and got my degree. I feel indebted to her so I suck it up and give her my life. I don't get to enjoy my mother. I want to go shopping with her and do crafts and finish her family tree book but to take her to the store it like taking 3 babies and a wheel chair. She don't help at all and refuses to get her knees replaced. I'm at a loss as to what to do, I don't know how long I will have left with her but I don't even enjoy when she calls me because I know its because she needs something from me. The big kicker is she has a son who does nothing, he mooched off of her for 3 yrs just before I moved her into a one bedroom home hoping it would knock her out of her stuper and get her up and moving because its easier to take care of but it was a failure now I just have a smaller place to take care of. Yet she cries to me that my brother don't even call her now that he don't need her anymore. I'm at the end of my rope and have no clue what to do.
Beazer gave up her life for her parents. If she's happy with that decision, good for her. I wouldn't do it, I wouldn't encourage anyone to do it, and I wouldn't ask anyone else to do it for me.
BTW, just as an aside - I had the good fortune to spend a decade with a very intelligent alcoholic partner - and in doing so was forced to confront my own "enabling" capacities and habits as the adult child of an adult child of an alcoholic. Learning about co-dependency has made me a happier healthier adult! Thank you AA and AA-related groups!
Sky1027 -get help, get therapy, set boundaries, and live your own life! If you don't enjoy it, who will??? Best wishes in your struggle!
And, she is 63 years old and caregave her mom for 6 years. I'm assuming before that, she had her own life before her mother got to the stage where she decided to quit her job. So I'm not sure where on her post did she use her mother as an excuse to hide from life since she only did it for 6 years.
This is a public forum. People grew up with different backgrounds, different cultures. You Will get different answers. You take what applies to you and bypass the ones that don't. There is absolutely NO need to personally attack someone so publicly.
By the way, about the pamper changing comment. I hated changing kids pampers. When I used to babysit my siblings kids, I insisted they change it before dropping off their kids. It was a mandatory babysitting which I had no say on. So when mom got bedridden, I didn't know how to change her pamper. I tried to lift her legs up to pull out her pamper. Instead I hurt my back. Needless to say, I learned that changing an adult's pamper is not the same as a child....