My mother is calling at me after my dad died to live with me, but my apartment won't allow it and I just recently moved, unable to support her. I know she's been leeching off my father's Social Security retirement and hasn't worked ever since. I was thinking of ignoring her since she is taking advantage of my good consciousness. She's within her 40-50's, but even then she should be able to support herself if she did find a job. She lives in CA and I live in AZ.

I should add that my mother always take my father's side since he had money and always whip us because, hey they're alcoholics and that makes you a better adult, right? I was also planning to save up and finish my bachelor's because my parents took some of my money when I was living in their home while I was working to move out. I feel so drained when she calls and using my dad, but now after the passing, I feel very drained and burdened with a irresponsibility forcing me to be responsible.

I always found parent guidance from my teachers and friends to make me the way I am now.

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Thanks everyone for clearing my doubts. Thank you.
Helpful Answer (2)

Say No - have her work with a social worker on her issues. You do not have to let her live with you or financially support her. She'll still be getting social security as your dad's widow. Be polite but learn to say "i just can't do that" and get off the phone.
Helpful Answer (1)

I agree with everyone.

Just say NO

She needs to be accountable for herself. You are not her next free ride...unless you let yourself be. Don't
Helpful Answer (1)

Your profile says your mother has dementia. Is that the case? If so, she will not be able to support herself. That still is not your problem. But if dementia is present her options are different.

Here are some of the reasons you should NOT allow your mother to live with you:
1) Her relationship with you was abusive. Trying to take care of her would be unhealthy for you. You'd get dragged back into childhood dramas and traumas. This all by itself is enough reason not to have her move in.
2) You cannot afford it financially. Apparently neither can your mother.
3) You have just gotten settled in a new place that does not allow live-in "guests." You would have to move. What would be the consequences of breaking your lease?
4) You have plans to better yourself through schooling. Do it! Moving your mother in would interfere with those very reasonable plans. You deserve a future.
5) The way you talk about your mother doesn't show much respect for her. Don't misunderstand -- I am NOT criticizing. Sounds like she hasn't earned much respect. But living in close quarters with someone you do not respect is definitely not good for your mental health.
6) If she does have dementia (related to her alcohol abuse, maybe) she will not get better. She will continue to decline. It would be hard now, and harder and harder as the disease progresses.
7) And, above all, as Angel points out, this is not your problem! Having grown up in a dysfunctional family you no doubt are struggling to get your head straight and get on you feet yourself. That is fully enough for you to handle. It is not your problem!

#1 is reason enough to say No. I just added the others in case you have any doubts.

This is not your problem.
Helpful Answer (3)

Dear Stephen,

I hear your struggle. Its not an easy decision because this woman is your mother. But it sounds like you already have some anger and resentment about the past. I don't blame you. My mother is the same way and I always feel like she is guilt tripping me.

I don't think you have to let your mom move in with you. You do have options. You have a right to protect your own mental health and economic future. If you want let her know you can call Adult Protective Services or have a social worker work with her on her options. There are a lot of resources in the community, so I would begin there.
Helpful Answer (1)

Why is this your problem (other than you are making it your problem). This is NOT your problem.

She is young enough to work. She wouldn't be approved for a home...she isn't disabled. Not having money is not a disability.

No is a complete sentence. Say no to this woman, do NOT accept any burden or any responsibility. She was living off your father, now your father is gone, she needs a new plan...and this is again not your problem.

Helpful Answer (4)

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