My spouse thinks I'm having an affair, and tried to hit me last night, but didn't remember it in the morning. What should I do?

Her profile says he has Alzheimers / Dementia.

I agree with many others, get your spouse to a doctor asap, document the episodes, make sure you are protected in every way, including legally.

LDR515 - How are you doing? Are you safe?

LDR515,

Sorry & silly of me to not read your profile before my post, but, you have plenty of good advice here.

ALZ & dementia can cause many behavioral concerns. These can be verbal & physical, never good for anyone.

Always a good idea to do periodic visits to a neurologist & a general practitioner. Honesty is always the best policy & there are meds that may help for behavior concerns & a full lab work up can tell a lot, a uti for example.

The more you can learn about dealing with his behavior issues the better, especially if you are it for his primary caregiver. You've got to be safe, so, your home may need changes as well, sooner better than later.

You've got to get the behavior manageable to caregive & it's a must if you want to do a day program, aides to help you & him, a respite for you. These things can benefit the both of you.

You've got a lot of work to do. Stay strong, focused & safe.

Blessings 🌸

He has dementia of some sort - my mom had all sorts of them weird ideas - she said dad sold all her coins/stamps/etc to support his girlfriends ... not true but you can't argue with them - the actual assault is worrying - go to dr ASAP & have him checked for UTI & other stuff - sometimes but not always meds work - good luck

You have good guidance here. I would just tell you that my aunt was married to a man with Alzheimer's and she became frightened of his night time delusions. The last two years she slept in a separate room with the doors locked.

You must preserve your safety while you are trying to help stabilize your husbands behavior. This is not your husband doing this, it is the disease. You must protect yourself from this disease and he would want you to. It is hard, but if he harms you seriously, you will not be able to care for him. Protecting yourself is also a way to protect your husband.

My husband is 76 and has just started with dementia. He also accuses me of having an affair and when I go the bathroom he believes I have been out all night. Keeps poking me during the night to see if I am still in bed. Cannot go to another room to sleep as he will really believe I am out all night.
Just another phase in the sickness. I have told my husband if he hits me he will be place in a home. Says he would never hit me ,but you never know.
Stay safe..Do what you have to do to protect yourself..

Dear LDR515,

First of all I'm very sorry you're having to go through this.
Second, my suggestion would be as others have mentioned to seek help from your husband's doctor, who will likely either adjust his medications or introduce new ones after re-evaluating him.
But I'd do that ASAP!

However, even after adjusting meds, what I'd do as a first safe attempt to keep caring for him while preserving your wellbeing, would be to hire overnight help and sleep in a separate bedroom. I imagine that even though your mind understands you're in danger, your heart and also the tiredness from caring for a loved one with mental disabilities doesn't let you fully digest the fact that one more episode is all you need to potentially lose your life.

I also understand that probably the last resource you want to use is to move him to a facility. Hence I think you should find overnight help (since the problem seems to be at night) AND sleep in another bedroom..locked. At least until after a long enough period, when you feel confident the new medication is truly working.

I don't think just sleeping in a different bedroom and locking yourself would be enough or wise, because the same way that this new obsession/paranoia came to him, another different one can come, and him staying by himself all night could get up with no one to ensure he doesn't do anything that endangers your and even his own life.

If this doesn't work, then I'd seriously consider moving him to a place where he can be properly taken care of.

I've said this several times to different people and even to myself. One of the hardest parts of being a caregiver is to be able to realize, accept and act on the fact that the care of our loved one is beyond what we can do to effectively protect them and provide them with the attention they truly need. The good news is that in many cases, after the transition from home care to a facility is completed the caregiver sees positive results and wonders why she/he didn't do it sooner!

Trust your instincts and remind yourself that all you're doing is for his wellbeing and because of your love for him. I think in a healthy state of mind, he would without hesitation tell you to protect yourself!

God bless and please be safe!

Do a check of his meds and their adverse effects. The one that comes to mind is Ambien. People report not remembering what they did. Good luck and sleep with one eye open.

LDR515,

I didn't read your profile before I posted, not realizing your spouse is suffering from ALZ. I'm sorry.


With ALZ there can be an abundance of behavior changes during the progression of the disease. You state this was not the first abusive encounter from him & it sounds verbal & physical.

He should be seeing an experienced & knowledgeable neurologist periodically. You should be sharing all concerns, even any kind of abuse with his doctor. If he is not on medications it may be time to introduce them.

If you want to continue caring for him in your home you may have to consider making changes to keep yourself safe. Locked doors, separate quarters, removing things that can be used as weapons. If you are caring for him one on one it may be time to introduce experienced help, better sooner than later.

Your spouse is going thru many changes due to ALZ. His old personality may be affected, getting worse, only you know this. With ALZ & dementia it's questionable how one will be during the course of this disease. Your husband & you, the relationship, will be affected.

You will have to educate yourself on dealing with anger & behavior issues, especially if your choice & decision is keeping him home. You matter & you have to feel safe & secure.

Stay strong & focused

Blessings 🌸

Have you noticed any other changes in his memory and/ or unusual behaviors? Seeing and/or things that are not there?
Talk to your doctor.. tell him what you are seeing and experiencing. Need to make sure there is not something else going on... brain scans, head CT, MRI. If all organic causes ruled out, Have him checked out for Lewy Body dementia. This disease causes people to act out dreams and not remember them.
There is no way to definitely diagnose this except with brain biopsy after one passes on. Neurologist can, based on symptoms told to them by witnesses( forgetfulness, inability to handle finances and other duties previously handled, any unusual behavior to give a presumptive diagnosis. Good news there are medication that can help control the dreams and the acting out of them. Neuro- psych testing can help to evaluate other deficiencies
My sister in law experienced something similar to what you have with the dreams.primary care Doctors tend not to think along these lines but be persistent.
It took her showing the doctors a video of one of her husbands nightly dreams for them to believe her and get the ball rolling fo help diagnosis.
Look up Lewy Body dementia on line and bring article to the doctor with you and a list of his symptoms.
It's not an easy disease, but knowing what it is can make it easier to handle. Best of luck with this.... you need to keep yourself safe. take care
,

Please disregard the comments of Dontask. She has never cared for anyone with dementia. Many of us have.

The paranoia you describe is frequent in dementia. My husband thought I was stealing from him. I know that accusations of an affair are common. Thank goodness I didn't have to deal with that -- I don't know how I could have stood that. In my husband's case the paranoia lasted only a few months. You must protect yourself, even though this is not your "real" husband doing this.

Has the violence only happened at night? Do the paranoid accusations occur during the day, but without the violence? Sleep disturbances are common in dementia. They don't often take on this character, but it does happen. PLEASE discuss this with the specialist treating his dementia.

My husband used to strike me or kick me in the middle of the night. He never remembered in the morning. This was decades before other dementia symptoms. We even went to a marriage counselor. But then we discovered the problem was REM sleep behavior disorder, closely associated with Lewy Body Dementia. He really was not in control of his actions. That was treated and the problem went away. He did eventually display full LBD symptoms. Ask your husband's specialist if a sleep study might be in order.

Please come back and update us on how this unfolds.

Sometimer, the symptoms of a UTI change as we age. I've had one, too, and like you I had no behavioral issues. You and I just weren't old enough when we had them (thank goodness.) My aunt had absolutely no signs of dementia EXCEPT hallucinating at one point. Her family had her checked for a UTI, and yup, that was it. UTI was treated, hallucinations stopped. She lived to 100.

My mother was already showing signs of dementia when she got a UTI and her symptoms became much worse. That only lasted until the infection was treated.

Here is a very helpful AC article on the subject: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/urinary-tract-infections-elderly-146026.htm

Has your spouse been evaluated for any medical issues, physical or mental? Does he have an alcohol or substance problem? Is he jealous & non-trusting? Does he like to be in control?

So many questions that you need to ask yourself. An excuse of not remembering or a promise it won't happen again is not a solution. From the 2 incidents you've shared I would run, not walk, from your spouse & this relationship. It's not healthy or working for you or him.

There are professionals in your community who can help you, they have methods & reasons in place for what they need to do. Reach out to them for your safety, your well being & self.

A forum or the internet can't fix this, you can. Do it for you.

Blessings 🌸

You do not state your age or any other details. BUT, as a long time dementia care specialist (LCSW), this is fairly common for an adult who has dementia. Unless alcohol or drugs are involved, I advise you to find a good geriatric neuropsychologist who can test for dementia. There are many kinds of dementia. You need to know exactly what is going on with your husband's cognition. If you are not hear a geriatric specialist, ask your Primary Care physician to refer you, and please give details of your concerns. Many primary care physicians discount the concerns of a wife reporting symptoms like this. Write down the exact comments, the times, the frequency, and other symptoms you might see of confusion, unreasonable anger, inability to function and memory loss. Dementia is much more than just memory loss.

For Barb/Brooklyn: Just a clarification for me and possibly others -- How does a UTI affect a person this way? And wouldn't a person suffering from one know it? I've had UTIs, but while painful they didn't make me act out other mental symptoms. Yet I see it constantly here as dementia symptoms are often blamed on UTIs. I need educated!

1. Your profile indicates dementia for spouse - this can and, from what I read in various posts, does occur. Typically if this is not his normal behavior, it is because of the dementia. Since he does not recall this the next day and you do not indicate any daytime issue, most likely this is the condition "talking".
2. Others suggest getting his doctor involved - ABSOLUTELY.
3. Depending on what Doc can do (as others say some medication can help) will determine what direction you need to go.
If medication helps, great. Again, from reading other posts the right medication may be a trial and error game - some work, some do not and from reading other posts the cause of the dementia is important (may need neuro doc for this, not just a GP/primary care).
In either case, until you can find a solution (it may be getting him into a care facility), can you sleep in another room, preferably with a lock on the door? It does not sound like there are issues during the day hours, so to protect yourself a locked room would be the way to do that while you get working on resolving this.

Final note: IGNORE Dontask comments. He/She does NOT even support your statement about not having an affair. I would NEVER listen to someone who quite clearly doesn't trust you! Typically the responses, suggestions, explicit instructions and run on about his/her own experiences often have NOTHING to do with the question posed. This is NOT about who owns the house, nor is this *really* a police matter. The man has dementia and this is NEW behavior, so clearly there needs to be a medical intervention - either medication or placement elsewhere, but meanwhile the poster can protect herself if she can sleep in another room with a locked door while working out what needs to be done.

Could it be PTSD?

Though I don't know whether or not you're really having an affair, I can advise you to start making police reports about the abuse and just get out of there if the house is in his name and not yours. If the house is in your name and not his, I would be working on getting though I don't know whether or not you're really having an affair, I can advise you to start making police reports about the abuse and just get out of there if the house is in his name and not yours. If the house is in your name and not his, I would be working on removing him from your home. You may have to start a divorce proceeding in order to save your life. You must also get out of harm's way. If you don't, he's going to eventually end up killing you just from what you described from him previously choking you. I seriously doubt his claim on not remembering it, he just doesn't want to admit it and it's called selective memory. He remembers but he's just in denial like my parents were. I recognize what you're talking about because my parents played the same dumb card. I'm an abuse survivor myself and I recognize what's going on and you really need to get out of there or put him to the curb

            Since this may be for someone that had no previous problems with their spouse and it is due to aging then the perpetrator may in fact be suffering from dementia and or some other kind of medical problem. If this is for a younger couple or someone newly married then my advice would be to get out of the relationship. If he had been young, I would think he may have bi-polar disorder. If someone is out of sorts and they have never been like this then there is a medical reason for it and he needs medical intervention. It could be alzheimers or dementia or he may have another medical condition.  Get him some help but do not put your life at risk. If he is trying to strangle you he may kill you. You didn't say your age or how long you have been married. Please talk to professionals and not people on the internet.
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I should start this off with what is his diagnosis?
This can be common with Lewy Body Dementia or Alzheimer's.
You need to protect yourself.
You need to place him where you will be safe as well as him.
He needs to be evaluated and on proper medications. The reason for the proper diagnosis is that the medications for Lewy Body are/can be quite different than with other Dementia. If the wrong medication is given to a person with Lewy Body it can be fatal.
Protecting yourself is priority. (A friend of mine woke up when her husband had his hand around her throat and a knife in his other hand)
PLEASE talk to your doctor about this or his. This is not something that he is aware that he is doing it is the disease but the outcome can be bad either way. And if you are injured you will not be able to care for him properly, and it will be as if your family is suffering two losses.

He sounds like typical dementia. Get him to the Dr. If he resist call 911 next time and they will force him to go. This is abuse ,even if it is dementia.

this happened to my mother and father, and eventually, she feared for her life and told someone. dad went sent to hospital, and it was determined that it was the beginnings of dementia.

if it was me, i'd make a change before it's too late!
God speed

Have you talked to his doctor about this?

If this is a new symptom, it represents a "change in mental status" and needs to be reported to the doctor who is following his dementia.

Has he been checked for a UTI? Could it be that he needs a medication adjustment? I like to think of dementia as "broken brain syndrome"; depending upon the kind of dementia, you never know just HOW the broken-ness is going to express itself.

Involve his doctor in the solution to this; clearly, if this situation continues, it will change your ability to care for him at home. Make sure the doctor understands that this is a game-changer for you.

My dad started saying that about my mom (in addition to other things). He didn't get violent with her or me, but he started sleeping with his cane "just in case." Fast forward a couple of years and he has dementia, do get your husband evaluated sooner than later.

Sounds like he has mental health issues. Has he been evaluated by a professional? If not, that needs to be your next step with him.

He tried to hit and choke you? He needs to be in a home. It is not safe for him to live with you anymore. Have you looked at care facilities for him to stay?

It's a hard terrible choice to make, but if he was not a violent person to begin with, he would not want this for either of you. For your safety and his, it's time to get outside help.