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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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Ask your hospice provider about alternatives to your spouse dying in the home. There are sometimes inpatient hospice places, including units within hospitals. This is a normal thought on your part and nothing to feel guilty about. I wish you much peace in a such a difficult time
A home is a sanctuary for the living, not a tomb for the soon-to-be dead. My husband will not be dying at home. The sights, sounds, and smells of death can render a home not so homelike, and it would be hard to erase those horrible memories afterward. Worse yet, you still have to live in the home where your beloved took his last breath. It is not for me, and my DH would totally agree. He had a wife die at home. Those were sad memories that he couldn't get away from, and he eventually moved out of their dream house.
Also, the dying mostly don't know where they are at the very end. My dad insisted that he die at home, but in his final days, he thought he was in a hospital. Go figure.
This is common. You can talk to the Hospice Nurse or the Social Worker or Chaplain. Explain your feelings. Most likely what they will do is transfer him to the In Patient Unit if they have a free standing one. Or they will transfer him to a facility they have a relationship with. they may classify it under "symptom management" or since he is on Hospice you are entitled to Respite they may put as a Respite request.
Please do not feel guilty you are justified with any feelings you have. If it is that you do not want to be with him alone when he dies I get that. Most Hospice have Vigil Volunteers and they are trained volunteers that will sit vigil anywhere the patient is. Home, hospital, facility so that the patient is not alone or the family is not alone and is supported during this time. So if it is that you do not want to be alone with him talk to the Hospice staff about what will make YOU feel comfortable, safe and supported.
I felt the same way. I told the social worker, "move him or me," and she suddenly suggested three nursing homes. I researched all three and they were horrible for my (young) 51 year old husband. I then found three more options on my own. I called each one and found a spot. I then called the social worker back and she agreed. It was $700 per day ($21,000 total) and I believe my insurance covered it. It was a really nice inpatient hospice facility. The only issue is your husband must be actively declining. At one point, my husband wasn't declining fast enough and they said he might have to return home. This was extremely distressing because I didn't want him to die in our house & then we have to continue living in it! Brain cancer deaths can be brutal and I didn't want our kids, parents, or inlaws to endure that. Thankfully, he was able to stay in that inpatient facility. He had his own RN and he didn't suffer at all in the end. At home, I couldn't guarantee that.
There is no need to feel guilty. Confusing and mixed feelings are normal during this time. Hospice will offer 12 months of free grief counseling. Sometimes grief can feel like guilt, but you are probably feeling anticipated grief, anxiety and fear. Guilt is when you have caused harm in some way. This is not the case here. In time, you will be able to sort out your feelings.
My friend was the same with her husband. He went to hospital for his last days and passed there. She told me she couldn't have him passing at home. It would have been too hard for her. ((((hugs)))) Do what you need to do and let go of the guilt. You are not doing anything wrong.
No need to feel guilty. Everyone reacts differently. It's a personal decision. Some people want to be there for the final breath of a loved one, others find it too painful. Some people won't give up and take that last breath until the family leaves the room. You don't need to justify how you feel. Please don't let unnecessary guilt add to your grieving process.
Guilt is out of the question. Guilt requires that you CAUSED something out of EVIL INTENT. That doesn't apply. You didn't cause this and can't fix it and you are confusing GRIEF with GUILT. That is self harming and inappropriate, and awful waste of energy so needed now.
Can you tell us more about why you do not want him to pass at home? This is something you should be discussing now with Hospice, their RN, their Social Worker, their Clergy support. Do know and understand that there are few in-facility hospices. He may require nursing home placement with Hospice support if this is something you can't tolerate in the home for some reason.
Script to say to hospice RN or hospice Social Worker
" I can no longer care for husband in the home. I'd like to get him transferred. Please help me facilitate the move."
There is no reason to feel guilty about this. I had Mom transferred towards the end to the physical hospice location. There was an RN on duty around the clock and also CNA's on duty around the clock. I think I had to pay about $300 per day to have this covered but I'm really glad that I moved Mom.
It's a difficult place to be but no need to feel guilty. Many people have a hard time with death. Did your husband ask that he die at home? Did he say he wanted his last days in quiet comfortable familiar surroundings verses noise, machines, and anxiety of the unknown? You have to pay for a facility, can you afford it? Can you find a hospice facility that is warm and comfortable and your husband will be OK with? A good hospice team will help not just the patient, but the family. Palliative care can make sure he is given medications to help agitation, pain and help with other symptoms. Keep in mind giving higher doses of morphine will not kill him. You can make his death a peaceful "good" death and after he is gone, remove the bed etc. and re decorate if that will help. His memory is going to be there no matter.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
A home is a sanctuary for the living, not a tomb for the soon-to-be dead. My husband will not be dying at home. The sights, sounds, and smells of death can render a home not so homelike, and it would be hard to erase those horrible memories afterward. Worse yet, you still have to live in the home where your beloved took his last breath. It is not for me, and my DH would totally agree. He had a wife die at home. Those were sad memories that he couldn't get away from, and he eventually moved out of their dream house.
Also, the dying mostly don't know where they are at the very end. My dad insisted that he die at home, but in his final days, he thought he was in a hospital. Go figure.
You can talk to the Hospice Nurse or the Social Worker or Chaplain. Explain your feelings.
Most likely what they will do is transfer him to the In Patient Unit if they have a free standing one. Or they will transfer him to a facility they have a relationship with. they may classify it under "symptom management" or since he is on Hospice you are entitled to Respite they may put as a Respite request.
Please do not feel guilty you are justified with any feelings you have.
If it is that you do not want to be with him alone when he dies I get that. Most Hospice have Vigil Volunteers and they are trained volunteers that will sit vigil anywhere the patient is. Home, hospital, facility so that the patient is not alone or the family is not alone and is supported during this time. So if it is that you do not want to be alone with him talk to the Hospice staff about what will make YOU feel comfortable, safe and supported.
Can you tell us more about why you do not want him to pass at home? This is something you should be discussing now with Hospice, their RN, their Social Worker, their Clergy support. Do know and understand that there are few in-facility hospices. He may require nursing home placement with Hospice support if this is something you can't tolerate in the home for some reason.
Script to say to hospice RN or hospice Social Worker
" I can no longer care for husband in the home. I'd like to get him transferred.
Please help me facilitate the move."
There is no reason to feel guilty about this. I had Mom transferred towards the end to the physical hospice location. There was an RN on duty around the clock and also CNA's on duty around the clock. I think I had to pay about $300 per day to have this covered but I'm really glad that I moved Mom.
There is no reason to feel guilty.
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