My spouse accepts the junk mail we receive as truthful. What do we do?

My dad opens every piece of junk mail and writes a check
for each one, as if he were paying bills. He gives me stacks every
week to mail...

Maybe she would be open to it if you said that you could make a donation to a local charity, GrandpaDan. There are people and animals in need, but many of these nationwide charities are simply cash cows for the fundraisers. All of the charities asking for $19 a month sponsorships are cash cows. Wounded Warrior Project got caught just recently, with little of the money going to the vets and most going to support a lavish life for the founders and fundraisers. Shame on them.

People often like to give to the national Humane Society. Most of that money goes to the fundraisers and fundraising projects. A few cents of each dollar goes to the local shelters. However, a donation to your local humane society goes to the animals.

Talk to your wife about donating locally. That will give you some control over the amount spent, since maybe she'll let you be in charge of what you decide.

p.s. Sorry for the rant and the unintentional hijacking! Not much gets me worked up like this topic does. I'd have a drink and mellow out but I don't drink - bummer!

Trust me - I tried everything suggested and more. I would show her reports on how much of every dollar actually reached the animal or child. .08 cents? Didn't matter. Mom was in independent living at the time with a care giver so there was no way to withhold stamps or offer to mail - unless I was the 24/7. No fake accounts either - if she managed to write one on a bogus account and get it mailed it could be considered a crime - writting checks on a closed account - explored that idea in the first six months. I thought of it or tried it - whatever "it" is! Like I said this was a fight that went on for over two years. Because the letter was addressed "dear Nancy" mom truely believed she was the only one helping. If I had a dime for everytime I heard "if I won't help them, who will"?!! Then she'd get the photo of the horse, cat whatever with the handwritten "thank you" on the back, she'd believe that was THE specific animal she saved. I tried to get her to condense to just a couple charities - but no, they ALL needed her! When I suggested donating locally it was the same answer. And as for this being a life long habit? Mom never did a days volunteer work in her life. And up until this started she'd wrestle a hobo for a penny on the sidewalk. BUT it's finished now - thank God - except for our mail carriers glares. But it truely was the most frustrating thing I've ever dealt with in my life.

If need be I would get a p.o. box and pick up my mail myself at the post office.. Tell her you heard someones been stealing peoples mail..

I have a phone that announces who's calling or says where the call is coming from.. I never pick it up unless I know exactly who it is... All you have to do is add the name to the number you want to pick up..

You could shut of the ringer and check it during the day for messages and call back who you need to..

Just thought of something else....some of these so-called charities have been engaging in fraud. There was a program hosted by one of the well known investigative reporters (I can picture him but can't remember his name) exposing some of these charities.

I research one that seems suspicious, especially new military, animal and Native American charities. For the last, I found that one of the aggressive charities had been engaged in fraud, was sued, and the list goes on. After pointing that out, that outfit's literature was put in the recycle bin.

I've done what RainMom has done - researched and found out how exorbitant the salaries for charity CEOs are. That stops the consideration for donation right then and there.

But I do know the problem. It was an issue we discussed in the caregiving course I took through the Alzheimer's Assn. Many of the issues raised in the literature handouts addressed common older behavior patterns, one of which was susceptibility to "charitable" solicitations, and sometimes political solicitations (which are much worse!).

One of the possible vulnerabilities we came up with is that the people who are susceptible often are people who have a history and tradition of helping others, whether it's family plus neighbors, church members, doing volunteer work, etc. Now that they're aging, the physical help is not longer possible.

Yet the need to help remains. Enter the Beltway Bandits with their sob story pleas.

I've called some of them and threatened to get injunctions; I've called others and told them I know how much their CEO makes and that's multiple times what my father gets on SS, so let their CEO's contribute. Some listen. Some don't.

And they sell lists, so one charity donation ends up producing several other charity solicitations.

What I've done is find ways to help people other than doing physical work, by supporting good organizations such as Scouts, military and animal organizations which I've vetted, as well as neighbors and friends who help. When someone does something for Dad, I suggest thinking of ways he can help them, and generally most everyone can use a little bit of help one way or other, whether it's a nice little dress for the little neighbor girl, help with a neighbor who's ill or having financial difficulty, a MOW donation, etc.

Other options are monetary or food contributions to food pantries, using cards sent by charities to donate to nursing homes, long term care hospitals, VA hospitals and VA homes. I would think there are a lot of military people at Bethesda who could would enjoy knowing that someone they never met is concerned about their war injuries.


That kind of charity is "up close and personal" and I think brings more rewards than sending a check to a conglomerate type charity.

You don't say how old your wife is. How long has she been this way?

I have discovered that sometimes mental decline manifests itself in different ways. Sometimes it causes people to be obsessed with something. Sometimes it makes people neglect things, it makes people repeat themselves or forget things. Still, other times, people just exhibit poor judgment.

I would consider everything that you have observed about your wife and whether you think she just is not able to process the truth about the junk mail. She may not be able to understand what you are asking her to do. There are various reasons this may be happening. I'd consider that possibility and try to protect her and you.

I think that I might figure a way to get a post office box and stop all incoming mail. You can get most statements sent by email. I'd explore keeping the mail out of her sight.

Short and sweet: INTERCEPT THE MAIL..........are you the one that walks out to the mailbox? Make it dwindle... pick and choose the ones where NOTHING can be ordered, bought, etc. This is a quote from above message: "Mom would order more checks without me knowing and write dozens of checks on the sly".

Use a fake checkbook

Oh, I am glad I am re-reading the post. Mom's mail is forwarded to you! Awesome. You have already intercepted it. Cool!

If mom has no POSTAGE STAMPS, she cannot mail out anything. Politely say, Okay mom, I'll mail this for you, which will be the fake checkbook...

How's that? I think it would work for my mom. Not sure what other folks think. My point is I don't want to fight with her. So, whatever it takes to keep the peace and make them think they are buying whatever, so be it.

If the item never arrives *hehe*, you can say, "See mom? They are a bunch of scammers, they took your money".

I know, it is one more thing to deal with. Not earth shattering, but bothersome nevertheless.

M88

I'm sorry to say I just don't know. My mother went through something similar. Mom never went for the sweepstakes things, never bought magazines or crap to enter or qualify - moms problem was the charity requests. I fought this battle with her for well over two years! "Save the tigers, donkeys, ferrel cats, farm animals, bears." Feed children, war widows - US and foreign. Dogs for the blind, deaf, veterans. Forests, national parks, oceans. Prisoner bible study. PETA, human society - local, national, international. I could go on and on. Mom would get upwards of 20 - 30 requests a day in the mail. By the time I figured out what she was doing with her personal checking account she was writting 40 checks a month. I tried everything to get her to stop or even get it under control. I would look up charities on Charity Navagator to show her many were bogus, limited how many checks she had access to, even agreed to a budget and made it something we did together once a week. Mom would order more checks without me knowing and write dozens of checks on the sly. Absolutly nothing I did or said worked. To make things worse the charities would personalize the letter request with her first name and she was convinced they were writting to her personally. The really odd part of this was that my mother has been a very miserly woman all her life - she could make a dime scream! What finally put an end to it was a fall she had in August that brought her dementia to full gear and I had to place her in a nursing home. I was finally able to get the checkbook and mom is unable to mentally process getting more checks - and to be honest I don't think she really remembers the whole thing. Plus, now all moms mail is forwarded to me. On the down side I think our mailman hates us now as those 30 request come to my house daily. We haven't sent a check in seven months but there has barely been a difference in the number of requests that come daily. (Sigh!). So I'm no help other than to let you know you are not alone and I understand.

Those telemarketing calls are tough, as the caller just doesn't want to take "no" for an answer.... most of us were brought up to be polite, and that is why it is so difficult to just hand up on those calls. I don't know how many times I had to say "what part of no don't you understand" back to these callers, then hang up.

Dan, did your wife work outside of the house and have her own credit cards and her own checking account? Or was everything that was bought you paid the bills?

If couples aren't cross trained regarding finances, the one who would just shop until they dropped think money grows on the trees, the bank account will always be readily available. If your wife doesn't have her own checking account to pay for these things, might be time to set one up. That way when her credit card becomes due, well she needs to write the check from her account. Oops, not enough money in her account? Well, lesson learned the hard way. You take away the credit card.