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Hubby is physically lashing out on me. 4 incidents now in 2 months. Thrown into a door twice, slammed hand in door breaking my fingertip, and pushed me down on some bins in front of mirrored wall. Gets in my face, I am called the c word, the b word, told to blow him leave him alone or he will divorce me. Gives me ultimatums and empty threats. Being only caregiver past 3 yrs he is resentful i am trying to take care of him, because he is convinced he can care for himself. He cannot even find his own clothes to wear and barely bathes or changes them anyhow unless I urge him to do it. I am permanently disabled have arthritis, 9 herniated discs, fibromyalgia and sciatica and other health issues. He knocked me to floor hitting by back against door edge yesterdAY when I asked if meds were taken night before. He pretends not to hear me making me repeat my questions but refuses to answer. Will not give me any kind of POA in case I need it for his care. All finances are in his name and I have got to get it to where I am in charge as all bills are being paid late we have a lease to renew and he is not doing capable of making important decisions. His driving is scaring me and my daughter,. Leaves me in pain barely getting around mobility-wise and he thinks it was ok to do it. Says I am always talking and he does't want to hear my mouth, I don't know what this means. He also runs away to be for hours. To keep hinself safe he tells me. He sleeps more than awake. I need help before he kills me in one of his rages. He also should not be working his current job as a mechanic for the airlines as I am concerned since normal tasks are difficult, he has memory loss and is totally disorganized here at home. He cannot complete a task of put together the vacuum properly after he cleans it when finished using it. His dr, is not convinced it is dementia but thinks he has depression. I know it is more than that. I need help.

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You can contact a women's shelter or domestic violence advocate for details on how to prepare for needing to leave in a hurry. I know one woman who slept with her phone and car keys in her underwear so she could have instant access to them. I agree with the possibility of FTD. Does he really still have his job or is he just going out and lying about it? Have you spoken privately with his doctor and gone over details of what is going on? Don't hesitate to call the police to protect yourself. Good luck and save yourself from his deteriorating condition.
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Ummm...working for an airline?? Can you tell us which one so we can avoid flying on it?

No, seriously, this situation has crossed the line. You have been repeatedly physically assaulted. Your husband is a danger to himself and others. Depression FTD, substance abuse, whatever...he can't be permitted to treat you this way. He is either criminal or incompetent legally. You do not necessarily need to wait for another attack. A woman's shelter would have a social worker, even going to the police with what has already happened, maybe getting an attorney involved already. This nightmare needs to be over.
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Incidentally, once your husband has the geriatric psychiatric evaluation, if it does turn out he has some form of dementia, you will then be able to have him declared incompetent and become his guardian which means you will not need a POA from him. The method for doing this varies by state but generally requires a family or eldercare attorney and you go to probate court to do this, but once he is diagnosed, be sure to keep track of the names of the various doctors who have seen him and then go to an eldercare attorney and ask how to go about this and follow the attorney's advice. I should also mention that some of the symptoms you mentioned - such as the not bathing unless prompted, indicate that your husband is in stage 6 (of 7 stages) of the dementia process - so he's very far along the arc of the disease, if indeed he has some type of dementia.
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You need to keep your cellphone on you at all times and have a room you can lock yourself into if he starts to attack you. I believe that your husband may have frontal temporal dementia (FTD). Google that and read the symptoms and see what you think. The right doctor to diagnose this is a neurologist. If he won't go willingly, next time he attacks you, lock yourself into the bathroom, call 911 and tell them your husband has dementia and is violent and needs a geriatric psychiatric evaluation. The police will come collect him and he will be put in a hospital for evaluation via the ER. The ER doctor will see him and listen to the police and then send him to the locked geriatric psych ward where he will see a neurologist who can make the diagnosis. Your husband will be held in a locked ward against his will until the evaluation is complete. During this time it is important that you tell the hospital social worker and doctor what has been going on, especially about the violent outbursts and that you can no longer manage him at home as he has become dangerous to you and your daughter. The doctor will likely release him only to a nursing home or memory care facility, once he has him stabilized on medication. The social worker will help you to find a facility that you can afford considering that he will no longer be able to work or drive. Here is some information on FTD which usually appears between ages 45 and 60:
http://memory.ucsf.edu/ftd/overview/ftd/symptoms/multiple
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Why should you and daughter move out? The next time he threatens you call the police and report this! They need to remove him and have him evaluated. Let him dress himself and go to work! That should be an eye opener for his coworkers! Make sure your injuries are reported to the police. I know this shound harsh, but it;s your safety!
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You say your husband has a disease and you think he also has dementia. What kind of disease does he have. He may or may not have dementia but if his behavior towards you is new he certainly is compromised mentally. Whether he can look after himself or not it is essential that you remove yourself and daughter to a safe place at once. If you have to call the police and file charges that is what you have to do your life is definitely in danger
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You need to take care of yourself and your daughter's physical safety first. I also agree with getting out - both of you. Once you're physically away and safe, you can see what you can do about his medical/psychological issues. I surely hope they're watching/doublechecking your husband's work - I'd hate to fly on a plane that he had repaired if he has the memory issues you're highlighting. Yikes!
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I'm so sorry that this is happening to you and your daughter. First and foremost you and she need to be safe. So you need to get out perhaps to a woman's domestic violence shelter. Have you documented these injuries with your doc or with ER? Next your husband needs to seen by a neurologist or psychiatrist. If this is recent onset behavior it could even be a brain tumor. Talk further with his doctor but only after you've left.
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I might suggest a second opinion, but I wonder if asking him to go to another doctor might go down badly with him? If you think this wouldn't be a good idea, how much confidence do you have in the current doctor? The reason I ask is because I wonder if the doctor is correct and possibly your husband truly has depression and possibly uncontrolled rage issues? They're not the same. If the doctor gave him depression medication and it's not working, it could be either that he doesn't really have depression but it could also mean that particular medication isn't working.

Is there anywhere you can go that's safe? It might seem a bit cruel to leave him on his own if he can't take care of himself, but if he's violent and he really hurts you, you wouldn't be able to take care of him, anyway.

A question to others who read this group is whether you putting in a domestic violence call would be something you could use to get some amount of control back to the situation?

Here's a question for you -- how did you get your broken fingers set? Did you admit what happened? If not, you lost a golden opportunity to show a pattern, in my opinion. Whether his behavior is from dementia, depression, anger, or he's just an abuser that never before showed it, I have to think showing a pattern would be helpful.
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Why are you still there? He can only beat you up if you are there. Call the police and ask for the domestic violence officer. Give them your statement and get out any way you can. If things get out of hand call 911. You are the only one who can save yourself, make the call.
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