Would you move into your elderly parent's house to take care of them if they absolutely forbid your innocent spouse from coming to the home? My mother despises my husband and won't have him on her property. He has done nothing wrong, but if I stayed up there to tend to her, I wouldn't even get to see him (except on the rare occasion I could leave her home to meet him somewhere). I really don't want her to have to go to a nursing home, but I don't want to live without my husband and never get to see him.
She hasn't earned the right to abuse you just because she's 97! Get her placed and realize she's already lived a VERY long life. She can go on to live to over 100 in managed care and you can live in peace with DH as you should.
Don’t do it! I can’t imagine any husband putting up with it.
Mom goes to a place where they can care for her according to her health issues. No brainer.
Nor would I ever allow my mother to move into my home if she despised my husband!
My mother is deceased. I did care for her. She loved my husband and respected him.
Parents don’t have the right to interfere with our marriages. You are in control of your own marriage.
If you don’t want to see your mom in a nursing home, you will have to look at other options for her. She can hire a private caregiver or hire a caregiver from an agency.
If she can’t afford to pay for others to care for her, her only alternative is to apply for Medicaid and enter a nursing home. Or if she owns a home, perhaps she can sell it to pay for an assisted living facility.
You already know the answer to your question. You said that you would not want to live without your husband.
I think you are asking for validation for your feelings on this matter.
Well, I am confirming how you feel. You should never sacrifice being with your husband for your mom.
Your feelings are correct. Her feelings are wrong. Follow your heart and stay with your husband.
You haven’t told us about your mom’s health. Can you share with us what she needs help with? How old is she?
You sound like a daughter who cares deeply for her mom. I understand this but you have a right to set boundaries. Just because you love someone, it doesn’t mean that they are allowed to use you as their doormat.
Respect is earned. If she doesn’t love you enough to respect your husband, then she doesn’t deserve your support.
Wishing you all the best.
She is 97 years old. That's the main reason for my concern - I don't know how someone of that age will be able to acclimate to a completely new environment.
She has always had excellent health although she is growing quite feeble and frail. She uses a walker and has fallen a few times. There's absolutely no reason for her disdain and nastiness towards my husband. You are right, I'm not going to stay with her under these conditions.
Do not move in with your parents and do not EVER let them move in with you. Your spouse comes first over your parents, all the time no matter what circumstances your parents are in.
Do not ever pay for their care. Do not manage their care unless they make you DPoA. They can pay to have aids come into their home if they don't want to go into a facility. Should they ever go into one, do not pay for any of it.
I understand your hesitancy about placing a parent in a facility, but in my own experience many of them are quite nice and the residents get all their needs addressed, even socially. There may come a day when you are overwhelmed by the care of 2 very needy elders, so before you judge facilities, please visit some gooe ones.
I wouldn't blame your husband if he doesn't lift a finger to help. He doesn't have to. Don't assume him into caregiving your parents -- it would be immoral and unethical to do so.
I've decided this
I come first
Husband comes second
And mom comes 3rd
From now on
Just because your evil mom is 97, is no reason to move in with her and take more of her abuse, and leave your poor husband behind.
Your husband/marriage, children, and grandchildren come WAY before your mom, so get your head on straight and tell your mom that she's on her own and can either hire 24/7 in home help(with her own money and NOT yours)or she can find the nursing facility she'd like to live out her days in.
There are NO other logical or sane choices here, and I hope and pray that you realize that, before you do irreversible damage to your marriage.
All I had said was "I mean WT(and I'll let you fill in the last letter)??? And what is wrong with you??? Both of which I personally see nothing wrong with, as sometimes the OP needs a reality check.
I guess we'll see if AC removes my reply as well.