What can I do when my spouse does not like my parents who are in house and is now causing marriage trouble?

Demstress,
You don't mention how long your parents have lived with you, how difficult your father's care is, exactly what your husband is saying, etc.

YOU grew up loving your parents. He did not. He doesn't have the bond with your parents that you do.

Maybe he misses the privacy he had when you and he were living alone. Maybe he resents the attention your dad gets and feels left out. Possibly he's frustrated dealing with someone who has advanced Alz. and the many difficulties associated with it and your husband is "acting out".

My husband is a different nationality than I am. In his culture, seniors are treated with utmost respect. My mom is 94 and is hard of hearing. She can't hear what is being said unless you raise your voice. Hubby WILL NOT speak in a loud voice to her. He gets mad at me for raising my voice when speaking to her. We "disagree" about it. I need her to hear me but he thinks I'm being disrespectful.

There are going to be differences because you both come from different families.
Please go to counseling to straighten this out so you can keep your marriage alive. I can't imagine that your husband is purposely trying to hurt you. Have you two sat alone and discussed it? Can you think of any way to change this situation?

Wait a minute. Your husband is saying disparaging things about your father who HAS DEMENTIA?!!

Having in-laws live in one's house can cause a lot of conflict, anxiety, jealousy, fear -- all kinds of emotions. And it is often a challenge to the marriage.

But belittling a man who has an incurable disease seems a very strange and unkind way to deal with it.

Did your husband have any say in whether your parents moved in? Does he have cause to feel neglected? Do you still do couple things together? Have date nights?

If the marriage is important to you, the two of you need to communicate honestly about what is going on. An objective third party could help you do that.

Dear demstress,

I'm very sorry to hear about what his happening. I know its not easy caring for an elderly parent with advanced dementia. But if your husband is saying things that are hurting you and your father, I don't feel that is right.

I am not the best communicator. After my dad's stroke, I tried to do so much on my own. But I did not know how to express my own needs and wants. I know its frustrating for your husband. But its time to have a family meeting and to discuss options. What about accessing more resources from the community or through church? Counselling or joining a support group? More respite care? Does he want your father in an assisted living or a nursing home?

I hope you can find the answer that will work better for your family.

demstress, I know how you feel, I have one of those at home, who doesn't think before he speaks thus things come out quite snarly... and I have a very long memory. Sig other would try to double down saying that isn't what he meant, but you'd think he would learn, not.

Sometimes I think people make cruel remarks because they are not happy with themselves. If they aren't happy, heaven forbid someone else be happy.

Does hubby claim he never said those things? Mine does, oh how I wish I had a tape recorder so he can hear himself. And that makes me ever more upset with him. Only once he has said he was sorry. Gives me many second thoughts about the relationship.

Thank you all for your responses. I have both my mother (91) and my father (95) living with me. I was not the one who thought it was a good idea for them to live with me but to live nearby. My husband and my daughter were the ones who thought it was best that they live here. I did not know the extent of my father's dementia until he got here, mother is in denial. Seeing the effects of dementia on the whole family is really eye-opening. Father is usually quiet but he can become angry, has poor hygiene habits, cannot do anything for himself, no reasoning or awareness of what is going on around him. My husband does not like to be around him and says unkind things about him, like he's a zombie, disgusting, ugly, etc. This hurts me to hear this. He thinks my father belongs in a nursing home, but Mom would definitely not agree to this. I suggested respite care and had the doctor talk about it also, but she said no she does not want anyone coming to the house. I think I will have another talk with the doctor about the situation. Again, thank you all for giving me your opinions!

It is truly a test of one's character to be able to deal with difficult dementia and not get angry and frustrated. Hubs needs to work on his coping skills perhaps.

You said hubs and daughter came up,with the idea for your folks to move in. Personally I would never want to move my wife's elderly parents into our home. It's usually a disaster for marriages.

I don't think you can let your mother (in denial) run this show. At some point this situation is going to become impossible. Do what you have to do for their care and your life. Your life should come first.

I agree with WindyRidge that your mother cannot run this show. When your husband and daughter suggested your parents move in, all of you were unaware of how advanced your father's dementia was. Now that it's been laid bare, I surmise your husband regrets the choice and feels trapped. Your mother cannot run the show because it may also be contributing to your husband's outbursts.

Do your parents have their own bathroom and living space?

Demstress, it sounds as though your father and your daughter have both learned something :(

But no good wishing one could turn back the clock.

I feel for you about your husband's remarks. Insensitive and - well just not very nice. It's not right to "mock the afflicted." I used to catch my then SO huffing and eye-rolling; I dare say he did sometimes complain about my mother but at least it wasn't in my hearing, and he always managed to be kind to her in person - he just made himself scarce as much as possible. I suppose they have to get these things off their chest somehow.

And it wouldn't help if you were to turn round and remind him that this was his brilliant idea in the first place "and don't you forget it!" of course - but my goodness it must be tempting sometimes.

So you can't turn back the clock, but you can perhaps retrace your steps somewhat. Where were your parents living previously? What were their available options at the time; and what led to their agreeing to move to your home?

Thank you for your insights. My parents left their home in another state because we were concerned about their well-being. Mom has leg issues that makes it difficult for her to walk and their three-level house and yard were hard to keep up. They live with us and they have they have a bedroom, a sitting room, and their own bathroom. We share the kitchen area. And when they are downstairs, my father uses the guest bathroom, and that is a source of complaint. As I noted earlier, he has poor hygiene and when I catch him using that bathroom, I usually go in and clean it up and sanitize it. Having family gatherings now is out of the question because it is just too much work to attend to guests and run to clean up a bathroom.
I believe I understand my husband's frustration in that we did not know the extent of my father's dementia when he came down and now we see how bad it is and how it has forced us to change our living situation. We never considered putting them in a nursing home. Mom is very sharp and takes excellent care of my father. If anything would happen to her I do not know if I could do what she does. She is a true saint. Yes, I would say that my husband regrets this decision and he mentioned that he knows that it was his decision, not mine.

I think you took on more than your husband can chew. Maybe having a healthcare person explain to ur husband what your father is going thru would be a good idea. Then a talk with Mom. Explain that you and hubby need some time alone. Maybe three days. For that time you r going to have someone there to see to their needs. She has no choice because u need to know they will be OK. This is what is nice about it being ur home, you have the upper hand. Don't argue just say this I the way it is. You are entitled just as she was raising you. And I bet, unlike kids today, that what they wanted to do trumped what you wanted to do. When we were growing up children were not made the center of attention. There will come a time when Dad will need more care than u can give.

Demtress maybe now is the time to consider moving your parents to somewhere nearby. A small senior apartment would work well then they would not have to worry about outside maintenance. Your mother is sharp and currently manages to care for Dad. Should that change and it probably will then will be the time for placement probably in a memory care facility. I assume you have retired so you would be free to visit and help out in the new place and later if the whole family is in agreement mother could move back in with you if she so desires.
You certainly won't be able to change hubby's thoughts about Dad but maybe you can persuade him to keep his comments to himself because it is hurtful to both you and your mother.

Hubby almost certainly did not have any idea of the difficulties of caring for someone with late stage dementia in an elderly loved one.
I can understand hubby's disgusted reaction to Dad's failings but everything you described are typical of late stage dementia. None of it is pleasant and trying to control things is virtually impossible. You just have to learn to deal with it. Could you stop Dad using the downstairs bathroom. However much you clean and sanitize the smell probably persists and it turns hubby's stomach if he goes in there before you have a chance to clean. Put a lock on the door and tell Dad it is out of order and he has to go upstairs. No easy solution I am afraid.

Great idea Veronica. We nurses (usually) don't mind excitement or having to clean it up. But I'm reminded by friends (in other profressions) that isn't the way for everyone. It's just down right offensive to a lot of people! Some people would "loose their lunch." Probably her hubby is one of those. By locking the downstairs bath, it would at least relieve hubs of that part.

(Demstress, you don't make hubby clean the bathrooms, or clean up after your dad, do you?)

Talk to hubby and ask to set house rules for no name calling. Also talk about what other changes can be implemented to make HIM happier.
We can flip the saying to:
Happy hubby, happy life.

SueC I may be able to clean one end but when someone vomits I tend to loose mine.

PS I asked eldest daughter a Vet if she could handle the cleaning up for me if it came to that. Her relpy "I would hire people for that" She did add that she could do it but there was the privacy issue. I told her that after all I had been through the past couple of years I no longer cared what anyone saw. After all it is no longer very pretty.

Thanks all for very insightful responses. I certainly appreciate your help!