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..she has a living estate which means she can return at anytime but is responsible for bills and upkeep. Spouse has said we would move in and take it on. No mortgage exists. I would have to increase my commute to work one by 15 miles, plus deal with winter driving. I am so stressed. I see this as the final nail in my coffin, as I have been struggling to have a career after 29 yrs military, and the last recession. I will rot there, and the thought is giving me anxiety. I almost or did have nervous breakdown 2/3 years ago. I tried to get him and MIL to start selling her stuff a few yrs ago, they did nothing. I was not sure which area to post this under. I understand we could save more for retirement, but....

Thank you everyone for your opinions. It was a little tough reading some of the opinions, but sometimes the truth is painful. This is a hot item right now and stressful. I understand his view of the savings, but I have a dread inside of me I will rot there. She needs 24/7 care I do not envision her being able to return home. The house is not his until her passing, and he is a disabled son, so it is his at that time. I am going to be setting up another meeting with a financial advisor who knows about some of these things to see the options.
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Reply to auntsally
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I am thinking the conditions would mean only MIL can live there with in the house or surely it would have been rented for extra income but that would mean taxes. I would be very careful. I would independently (eg behind his back)find out what it means tax wise for you to live there. Why hasn’t she just sold it. Again I’m guessing money or loss of it

i think your husband could be planning on moving her back in saving more money. Seems a bit shady to me trying to avoid proper paying for services and avoiding taxes. He can’t have it both ways

you can always just say no
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Reply to anonymous967666
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"Spouse decided" is where the problem lies, in my opinion. No matter that you had, or almost had a nervous breakdown 2/3 of a year ago, and that your commute is extended by 15 MILES (not 15 minutes), and that you've been struggling to have a career, plus have the added stress of driving in WINTER conditions which absolutely SUCKS? Do these factors not count in this equation? And, what about when hubby wants to move his dear mother IN with you, how will that 'decision' affect your life and your state of mind?

I'd lay MY cards out on the table if I were you. Now. None of this is ok. A marriage is a two way street where both partners make decisions together. Him deciding anything by himself is not gonna work, sorry.

Best of luck; I hope you can assert yourself and voice your rights here; you deserve to.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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pasha1994, the main question is how is the "life estate" written. Your Mom-in-law has use of the house until she passes away. Even if she is not living in the house, the house is still under her life-estate use, thus she is still responsible for all the maintenance, real estate taxes, etc. which you are already familiar with.

Now, you and hubby will need to find out if this life-estate will allow people other than Mom-in-law to move into the house. If yes, can it be rent-free? If no, then the house will need to sit empty.

And, is there a chance that Mom-in-law could return to the house to save more money if she is self-paying at Assisted Living? Then what? Will hubby be her full time caregiver?

pasha, I am on your side. My gosh an extra 15 mile commute isn't easy, that could add another 45 minutes to your driving time, if not more, depending on where you live vs your work site. This isn't fair to you. I would be freaking out if I was in that situation and scanning apartment websites for myself.
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Reply to freqflyer
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It seems you don't have a lot to say about this choice? I wonder then how viable this marriage is. Have you sat together and discussed that you may not be able to be in this relationship is this is taken on? Have you considered telling him that if the MIL moves back in it would be a marriage deal breaker?
I think you may owe that to your husband before this move is made. You don't say the age of MIL. But this could represent decades of untenable living for you. I am so sorry. Saving money for retirement is one thing. However, making it there together is the prime imperative.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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I guess, for me, this would not work, as I will not be controlled by anyone, if the decision is not made jointly I wouldn't go for it.

Your husband seems to make all the decisions, and I can see him bringing MIL home to live in her house, and, you taking care of her. Men do this all the time.

Do you have any boundaries with him? You might want to read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
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Reply to DollyMe
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auntsally Oct 27, 2019
Thank you. I had told him I am not moving there right away, I am in process of my last college class, have a son just got 1st apt, and not moving til January, Etc it did not go very well. I think it has only be smoothed over for a short time. I am staying in my current rental for a little time. Yes i do know of the book and am trying.
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I might be missing something here...
I don't see a downside to this if it will allow you to save for your retirement.
An extra 15 minutes does not seem like a lot.

What I do find a problem with is..
Your husband appears to have made this decision on his own. (Unless he did discuss it with you and you did not indicate so in your post)
What happens if his mom decides to move back into the house? Will you remain or move out? Has that been discussed between you and your husband? If so what was the result of that discussion?

I can see the advantage of having someone living in a house rather than having it empty. I suppose the other question is are the bills and cost of up keep less than the rent you are currently paying? If so great, if the bills and upkeep are more then you will not be saving anything. Unless his mother will be paying excess.
The other option would be renting the house and you and your husband become the managers of the property, collecting the rent and doing maintenance. The house will not be empty, will generate cash flow and you can stay where you are renting.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Yes, Pasha, but.....

Boundaries, I can see where living rent/mortgage free would be very attractive. Your hubby sounds as if he is not willing to listen. What do you want from this relationship? A life estate may exist for MIL to return but in reality it can't happen from what you are saying.

Beware once hubby gets you there, he may insist on bringing mom home, to save her money as his inheritance. Then you become her caregiver? Be careful, it is not the first time we have heard similar on this forum.
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Reply to gladimhere
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auntsally Oct 27, 2019
Wow, thank you for that post. I never thought about it from that angle. Someone a long time ago before she became so ill watned me if this, and i will be taking care of both of them. By me remaining in our current rental, i am hoping to gain some confifence to do what is needed. A mcaid lawyer was just hired and will soon be filing for her. Then i can also see how that goes. She has parkinsons and is nearly 84 yrs
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