Has your spouse changed since you became a caregiver?

My significant other tried to cope with my mother living with us but it took its toll after two years. She left me last December and it is over. I lost a very important 14 year relationship. My mother still thrives here at home with only me while my grief continues. Please be careful. Your husband should be #1. Don't make the mistake Idid. It is so difficult sharing a home with my mother. They invade your space and have habits that drive you up a wall. Even the most caring spousecan get resentful and who can blame them. This does change your eenvironment and not in a positive way. Good luck as it is very difficult.

i am so sorry music….through all our aggravation my mother seems totally oblivious to the yelling and comments made…she too seems to be doing just fine..with very little health issues other than her lost mind...in my opinion its all about her now and the fact she will never willingly go to a nursing home…..and really who wants to take a kicking and scream person to a facility….

Whippedat56, my mother also would never agree to a nursing home and I can understand this. So meanwhile you and I bring our loved ones to live with us. The problem is when our loved ones don't show us nor our relationships respect and think just because they are elderly they can say and do whatever they want. When my significant other was packing my mother acted oblivious and I went through enormous grief. She showed no concern. So please think about how much you deserve to nurture your husband. I am still in grief. You still have your relationship. I am so proud of you for trying to be a good caregiver but you deserve a life too. I never thought my life would turn out this way. None of us do. But I am turning over a new leaf and setting boundaries. If not she will kill me emotionally.

music i wish you the best…and me too!

i just have to bump this question because of only one answer…has anyone elses spouse become off the wall bacause of their in law moving in?

No, not off the wall but certainly more snappish with me because I was more snappish with him. He didn't understand the crap she was pulling because I didn't see a point in pulling him into the drama, so it looked like I was overreacting. He preferred to steer clear of the dysfunctional relationship, which was smart. But when she came to live with us, he was in it. He dealt with it by just doing his thing - watch TV, read, golf. I suspect your husband didn't just get there because of her living with you, but it's a buildup of dealing with her and the way dealing with her affects you.

More over, he and I feel trapped in our own home...my youngest moved out 7 years ago and we had some 'our time' together and that's all changed...we have the ability to take off when we want but can't..our grandsons are reaching milestones we can't share...my youngest wants to help out when she can..she stayed with my mom a week in nov. when we visited with the kids and she went out of her mind.... We are just missing out on so much...we have gone there separately but that's not what either of us want...we want to be together when we vacation...we both think my mom will outlive us both...what a prospect to consider when you're 56

We did the in home care of MIL for 8 years. It did not change either of us other than my wife just got worn out with it. That and we BOTH realized that our retirement was devoted to being caregivers with little or not gratitude in return. We worked our butts off to get where we are, MIL divorced FIL for no apparent reason and ended up working til 80; respected that and figured she'd earned a rest so we build addition. So we couldn't travel near what we wanted to or enjoy even a meal without open mouthed chewing, having to prep special food, and it was always something else she wanted my wife to do. After many falls with hospitalization because she wouldn't use walker right, we put her in AL.

Was she happy? Absolutely not. Continually whines about how all her money will be gone and then doesn't want to be on Medicaid. I guess I'm fairly pragmatic; what's the balance here? One person who through her own actions has limited resources yet was offered 8 years of cost free living now at 88 placed in a very nice AL facility; still receives transport to Dr and visits from daughter. OTOH you have TWO people who no longer must stay around house, can travel, can enjoy each others company without snoring on the couch or constant neediness without any thanks.

Every case is different. Relationships are different. This was never a caring loving mother who earned our sacrifice through a lifetime of interest and love for her daughter or that matter her grandchildren. So I don't get that some would assume it is our DUTY to sacrifice our two lives to make her incrementally more happy at great expense to us. We have a fantastic relationship with our two kids, 4 grandchildren, and never expect any of them to put their lives on hold so we could be in their homes rather than AL or NH. I'd expect compassion, assistance, consultation of financial matters and health, but never to become in home servants. But that's just me.

In hindsight, I realize that my husband was frustrated that this situation was getting worse and I wasn't doing anything to correct the problem. Mom had gone from being happy with us (when there was lots of activity with kids) to morose and her demands greatly increased, while my ability to meet them decreased. His last straw was when we had the chance to get away with friends one weekend and I got this panicky "I can't leave Mom home alone" look. He simply announced we were going. It was the kick in the butt I needed - I wasn't going to expect my kids to pinch hit, they had their own lives. It didn't happen the next day but it helped when I started checking out AL facilities and getting things rolling. So my sister flew in a few months later and by the grace of God, we were able to get her placed in AL. Fortunately, she had enough assets to be private pay for a couple years so that helped secure a spot. We know we've been much better daughters than she was a mother and she's well cared for. I guess what I'm saying is that you need to show him that you hear him and agree that you need to make a change. Find a way for your daughter and the kids to come to visit - you can make great memories even if they sleep in a hotel at night. Start looking at what your options are for Mom's care.

I feel so sorry for my significant other, when I met him he was a widowers who's wife had suffered with COPD for many years. Then he met me, we both like to travel and our goal was to see the world when we retired at 65 because he never been overseas and I had, I wanted him to witness the cultures and lands of other countries. It was an awesome experience :)

Back when we met, my parents were quite healthy in their 80's, doing their own traveling, really enjoying their own retirement.... then Dad had a heart attack. That was the start of it all, Dad kept falling, so S/O and I decided to put retirement and travel on hold. Then we started to put dining out on hold, then stopped going to the movies... I was always worried we'd be seated and get a call that Dad fell.

Now S/O is resentful. We are both over 65 now and we both continue to work because if we do retire then my parents would expect us to be at their home every day to entertain them. If only my parents would have moved into a retirement community where they could meet new friends, etc. and not depend on us so much.

Those wonderful dreams of traveling overseas are just that now, dreams that will never come true.... both S/O and I now have health issues that won't get better, only worse. And I feel my parents will live to be 100 and out live us... [sigh]. What is so golden about these years????

As my mother has had mental illness all her life, (and now has vascular dementia), I decided years ago I would never take her in, but would see to her needs. Sig other and I have discussed it and though he is sensitive to seeing that her needs are met and has helped with that, there is no way either of us. could survive having her at home with us. She has been in several facilities and we give ongoing help. I have POA, But we do go on holidays. My daughter was my back up when we were out of the country recently. I can always be reached by phone or computer. I have given up some things I wanted to do, as dealing with mother's business and crises takes up an inordinate amount of my available energy, but I will not give up vacations - we need them. Sig other has a stressful job and both of us need time away. I do not think it is right - as shadyacres says, that two people should sacrifice, at great expense. their lives to make one incrementally happier. In mother's case, and in some other's cases, I have read about here, the parent will not be happy no matter what you sacrifice. The time may come that due to the nature of the disease they need institutional care anyway.

The latest figures are that 40% of caregivers die before the person they care give. I don't want to be one of those, but it takes work - setting boundaries and looking after yourself.

I agree -find a way for your daughter to visit, take some time away with your husband for a heart to heart, and make plans for placing your mum. It is not right for one person to be the only one whose needs are being met at the sacrifice of several others, you your husband, your daughter and your grandchildren. Her wishes should not be allowed to dictate the circumstances for your whole family. Goodluck.

OK, Whipped. Got it. He agreed to having her live with you before he realized how trying it would be and now he's freaking out. I would freak out too if my MIL started peeking at me between her fingers.

Some people can't handle living with someone with dementia: the constant questions, the restlessness, the noises, the weirdness, and it keeps getting worse. It sounds like your husband is one of those people, and 18 months in, he's had about all he can take. The question is, what will you do now?

Whipped, two things. Your husband should have a check up with his PCP; he may be suffering from depression, anxiety, etc, aside from having MIL in the home. Second, listen to the statistic that 40% of caregivers die before their charges do. This is not a job for amateurs. Get her in care.