What are the moral issues when spouses of Alzheimer's patients seek outside relationships?

An update from me who was going to wait 18 months. Actually, I completed a divorce 12 months later. I am terribly grateful to her sister, who stepped up to take over as guardian, so that I could divorce. For 3070nofilter who missed being with a man, it was the same for me. I miss close companionship with a woman. But also realized I was not really available fully to a woman I admire and want to be with, if I'm still married. I need to demonstrate my openness to commitment by divorcing first and truly being available. I discussed it with my wife on a highly functional day and she was very supportive. I've since had a relationship and will report that lots of strange emotions, anxieties and feelings came out that I wasn't expecting, relating to shifting my allegiance to this new person. It was not smooth by any means. I will also warn that I wasn't as healthy as I wanted to be to assess my relationship's compatibility as a spouse and ended the relationship over doubts that I had. I still felt like I had more to do on myself to be more secure before committing fully to someone. But I don't regret divorcing. I made a point of seeing as many people that attended our wedding as I could to personally give them the news and explain my reasoning. Many said they couldn't judge, but trusted my love and my heart to be doing the right thing. That trust in me was really humbling. Hopefully this adds a little more to a really tough topic that its good to have discussed.

It's not easy, but it is possible to love someone without getting "feedback". My cousin, after his wife of many years was placed in a nursing home, went there every day and fed her meals, and talked to her. (I had two other friends who did the same thing.) We really don't know how much awareness there is there, but I recently read a report on brain activity tests on people with dementias, and they found that there were responses in the brain even at times that the patient couldn't express anything. They concentrated on the person that they knew, not what they saw. In all three of these cases, the hospital/nh staffers were blessed by seeing these good men loving under incredibly difficult circumstances, as were their friends and families. My husband was only unresponsive for a short period before he passed ten years ago, and the nurses told me to talk to him, as even apparently unresponsive people are more aware than we can see.

I should add, despite the divorce, I generally go see my ex-wife weekly, and her sisters visit most weeks also. We kind of spread it out through the week. Our kids visit less occasionally. And we take her to family functions (Thanksgiving, New Years, etc.). I could visit daily, but I don't think it would add much. In essence, she is cared for now by someone other than me and I no longer have that role. She can benefit from my friendly love, but not my intimate love. Someone else can. And that tells me to move that phase of my being and life to someone else. And I'm also certain that my wife supports that decision.

I think I can understand how ssb1971 feels, and her dad too. While I can understand her dad's need for connection, even a relationship, comfort and yes, sex (I am making no moral statement here, just saying I can understand) it seems that choosing a person who was in their family home, taking care of his wife and his children's mother, is a bad choice. I know for a fact when people are emotionally tapped out they make bad choices often, which is exactly why probably he should not have begun this relationship. He is 'reacting' and so are his and his still living wife's adult kids. But hopefully it is not too late; he can tell this woman that he is not in a position to begin a new relationship. He and his kids can and should seek some counseling to reopen lines of communication so they can talk this through, understand and empathize with each other and rebuild their trust and love for each other. People are like empty pitchers; when there is nothing in it, there is nothing left to pour out. They need to be 'refilled' and often a relationship with the wrong, or prematurely wrong person is the direction they go. Living out the loss of mother and wife together as husband and father with his kids will help heal all of them. Casually seeing someone of the opposite sex and quietly, privately enjoying some company and social interaction is one thing. Starting over with someone who basically replaces a spouse when that person is not yet really gone to the whole family is another. The last thing this family needs is more loss and pain and open wounds.

I think I can understand how ssb1971 feels, and her dad too. While I can understand her dad's need for connection, even a relationship, comfort and yes, sex (I am making no moral statement here, just saying I can understand) it seems that choosing a person who was in their family home, taking care of his wife and his children's mother, is a bad choice. I know for a fact when people are emotionally tapped out they make bad choices often, which is exactly why probably he should not have begun this relationship. He is 'reacting' and so are his and his still living wife's adult kids. But hopefully it is not too late; he can tell this woman that he is not in a position to begin a new relationship. He and his kids can and should seek some counseling to reopen lines of communication so they can talk this through, understand and empathize with each other and rebuild their trust and love for each other. People are like empty pitchers; when there is nothing in it, there is nothing left to pour out. They need to be 'refilled' and often a relationship with the wrong, or prematurely wrong person is the direction they go. Living out the loss of mother and wife together as husband and father with his kids will help heal all of them. Casually seeing someone of the opposite sex and quietly, privately enjoying some company and social interaction is one thing. Starting over with someone who basically replaces a spouse when that person is not yet really gone to the whole family is another. The last thing this family needs is more loss and pain and open wounds.

Frustrated2, I'm glad you can understand and yes I believe my dad was reaching out to who ever was there. I might add that he has always found it hard to maintain healthy relationships with his adult children. Both myself and my brother were very close to mum so it is hard on us. I think the rest of the feamiluy are more accepting of the situation as they haveseen how upset and stressed dad was when he was trying to cope at home. Mum is definitely in the right place now but to me it's like dad has moved on before mum has passed away. I do believe that dad is not strong enough to cope on his own and my gut tells me that he will be with this woman until mum passes away. We still speak and see each other on family occasions, birthdays, mothers day etc. and that is enough but understandably the relationship is very strained. Whenever I broach the subject of the other woman with him, particularly where money is concerned he gets extremely defensive. I do get concerned that he is being taken advantage of as she doesn't work and dad pays for everything. He works long hours and struggles since he is still holding onto the house with one income. I feel that he thinks he owes her.

Th thing that will really bring thing sto a head is if dad says he thinks I should visit mum more. He sees her once a week with this woman due to work commitments and I try and go every week too, in the week. He has mentioned that this is important and makes me feel very guilty if I don't go, to the extent that whenever he speaks to me the first thing he says is have you gone to see mum. I believe he still feels guilty for mum being in a home and in some ways try to push it back on me. I haven't once said that he should go more or that he shouldn't see the other woman so much and spend more time with mum. I am trying to be understanding but never seem to get the same back. I live around 40mins drive from mum's home (dad and other family member live in same town) and feel like I need to take a step back from the situation. I also have family of my own, husband, toddler and work commitments, be it part-time. but this never seems to be taken into account. I am trying to hold onto the relationship for the sake of my mum and my son but am finding it increasingly difficult. The whole situation is very sad as mum was the glue that held everything together as the woman in the family often are and we were always a close family.

ssb1971, here is what I would suggest. I would get counseling for yourself and for your son to deal with the grief process of losing your mom, because as you knew her, she is 'gone'. On top of that you feel anger and betrayal for your dad. He is being selfish now, but he is not really 'right'. Mentally and emotionally, I mean, and you are hurting too much to deal with this yourself. You can tell him "dad, I love you but I feel you are being taken advantage of and that you are risking everything you and mom worked hard to build for this woman. I understand you have needs and you are sad, but I can't handle this now. I will visit mom but I have a life too. I cannot pick up your slack. Until you get some help, as I am going to do, rather than try to put a band aid on this so you don't have to 'feel' so much, I can't be around you. I don't want either of us to say or do anything that will divide us any more". Be firm and let him know you get where he is coming from, but that is not ok with you and you can't really be around this woman or him. If you have to write it down, then do it that way. Stick to your guns but do get the help you need for yourself. I don't think he is really himself right now. It is more typical than you think how many men jump quickly into a new marriage or relationship only to find out that they made a terrible decision out of sadness and loneliness. Men like to be taken care of. We really ARE the stronger sex (and my wonderful husband would be the first to back me up here!). But please, do get some professional help for yourself. Hold you dad accountable but think of him right now as having been taken over by aliens. He is not really himself! Try to let the money thing go. It will only eat away at you. Unfortunately, if he is of sound mind he will do what he will do with that. God bless.

I agree he is not himself right now and is reaching out for help. But as Jeaniegibbs said I am afraid of losing him and cannot cut ties completely. I have thought about this and have driven my husband mad with chatting about it. Don't get me wrong I think it would be easier but do not want this. I have lost my mum and can't lose my dad too.

I have to take a step back and just let it go. It won't change the way I feel and it probably won't make things any different but if I don't it will drive me insane.

I do admire the way the chap in the earlier posting was able to divorce his wife. I wish my dad had the strength to do this. Sadly mum cannot write now so is unable sign her signature so this would not be possible anyway.

Thanks for the comments.... wish me luck. And good luck with all the moral dilemmas surrounding the subject. It's not an easy one. x

Ssb1971 she would be represented by a guardian ad lytem like one of the kids with an attorney, or one of the kids would become her guardian and with an attorney represent her interest in the proceeding. Her spouse would have another attorney. If the whole matter were non-contentious, it would proceed smoothly (if everyone favored him being free to love and remarry separately from her). If there wasn't agreement and was going to be contentious, I wouldn't recommend it.

It seems to me that most of these comments hinge on one word - death. There is a physical death and then there is emotional death, death of the marital relationship, even though the caregiver is totally committed to the ongoing care of the Alzheimer's wife/husband. The Holy bible does not address every sort of life situations. there are grey areas on life where a person must seek out the biblical principles that help them make the best decision without violating what they understand in God's will as found in scripture. If the marital relationship is dead, then the seeking of a new relationship (casual of more) may not be in violation of Gods Word. To determine the rightness or wrongness (sin) in a situation such as is being described, a proper definition of :death" must be established and caregiver interpretation should follow accordingly. For example, among younger couples, birth control is OK and for other couples, it is not. both may be right in the context of what they believe as the Bible does not give guidance in either case. To him that believes it is wrong, it is wrong and to him who believes it is OK, he/she may proceed as long as the first priority is the best possible care for the Alz patient and in that, love that has endured decades through good times and bad, must continue to be present and demonstrated until physical death. My wife of nearly 50 years once told me that she believed I would need someone in her place if I would one day be left alone. Little by little a new relationship has formed. My wife is in far advanced Alz, does not talk except a word or two now and then, has good vital signs, and has also miraculously survived a brain stem stroke (and two other strokes last fall). The woman in my new relationship understands that my first priority is the love I have for my wife and her continued care in the best skilled nursing care unit in the area. am at peace with my decisions - cautiously, but wondering if others see the importance of defining the word "death" in an Alz context compared to the traditional definition which focuses only on physical death.

You aren't abandoning your vows or your wife in my opinion. You are still standing by her. There is nothing wrong with seeking friendship of any form. It will help you continue to help your wife without resentment.

Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor retired in part because her husband had Alzheimer's disease. She later reported he had formed another relationship in his long term care facility. They didn't divorce. I liked the post about the man who formed a relationship with a woman who helped him care for his wife. That sounds like an honest relationship. If a friend supported another through caring for his ill wife, I don't think their morals are in question. However Children can be hurt deeply by parents forming relationships outside the primary relationship regardless of the children's ages or the parents age or health status. It would be difficult to know right action for another but it feels like a heavy weight regardless of the action taken. If the entire sphere of influence is considered a right decision might appear.

Do I stop giving her the Alzheimer's Medication that is suppose to slow down the disease? I feel like I am putting her on Life Supoort and we have signed papers to say do not put me on life support. She has regressed and continues after 3 years. Should I just let the disease run it course and doeverything to make her confortable and well taken care of?

Do I stop giving her the Alzheimer's Medication that is suppose to slow down the disease? I feel like I am putting her on Life Supoort and we have signed papers to say do not put me on life support. She has regressed and continues after 3 years. Should I just let the disease run it course and doeverything to make her confortable and well taken care of?

I think this is a personal, individual matter. Life is lived more the the grey areas than the black and white. There is a lot to consider. For example, if you were childless and your spouse were in oblivion and you cared for her/him really, what difference does having companionship matter? But life is a lot more complicated. Seek some spiritual counseling and take it slow. On one hand, we only get one 'go round'. This is not a dress rehearsal. On the other, if guilt eats you up, if you alienate your adult children but pushing another person in their faces, do you really want to do that either? I have no answers. I would just be mindful and take this slow and carefully. No one knows another's experience till they walk a mile in their shoes.

LeeCaregiver1, the disease is going to run its course whatever you do. The dementia drugs, when they work, help reduce the severity of the symptoms. Contrary the original hype about Aricept, for example, there is nothing on the market that can change the inevitable course of the disease. The drugs are not "life support" -- they only help with the current symptoms. If they have stopped helping (or never helped) talk to her doctor about discontinuing them.

LeeCaregiver1, I think if I were you I would find a professional to talk to and work through all these emotions and decisions. I would not judge you but more importantly, if you judge yourself, then you are internally conflicted. This is really personal and between you, your conscience and God. If you now being to feel that you should withhold her meds to slow progression and there is another woman in your life, you might have guilt because you feel later in some way you 'rushed' her demise for your own purposes. If you make sure she gets them, you could end up feeling that you put her through more misery in order to AVOID your own guilt. And end up feeling guilty. I can sense your internal struggle and your understandable desire for companionship and intimacy. For your own sake work this out and then once you feel you have the peace you seek, don't keep asking this question. At this point I don't think you're ready for another relationship of an intimate sort because the happiness you are looking for could end up being the last thing you find. God bless.

I grew up in the church as did my spouse. Being happily married and sexually compatible and attracted for fifty years make a transition to celibacy years into Alzheimer's harder, not easier because it is no longer a moral issue. Your spouse is your child, becoming more and more like your infant on a monthly basis. God helps you understand this transition and empowered you to be your spouse's loving parent to give care and comfort needed. At the same time, God leads you to understand you must be strong and get your own needs met in order to meet the needs of your child. There is no room here for those who sit in judgment of these changing conditions only God can understand and instruct.

The question to ask is: What would you want your wife to do, were the situation reversed? Would you want her to be happy and feel alive? Or would you want her to suffer because you were mentally incapacitated? Seventy plus is not necessarily old, if one is in reasonably good health. The Universe judges us by our own standards.

The question wasn't "are you a bad person if you stray from your incapacitated spouse, yes or no?" The question was "what are the moral issues?"

I'm rather tickled by the notion of its being your Christian duty to see that your own intimate needs are met.

@bookworm
Love you "christians". Thinking every emotion stops when your loved one forgets who you are or thinks you're their brother or sister instead of their lover. I am sure that feels so fulfilling.

Thanks though for thinking the marriage license means everyone must be dead inside after this sad time. You're incredible understanding of your dead corpse of a libido means a lot to real people. Best of luck to your "spouse".