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My Mom is 90 and remarried 9 years ago. He is 89. My mother is in stage 3 dementia. Her short term memory is completely gone and even parts of her long term memory are no longer there. She is still gentle. She is 90 years old and remarried 9 years ago, Her husband is 89, Her house is no longer safe for her and her husband insists he is taking good care of her. However she has fallen once in the last two months. I prepare all her meds for her a week in advance but even doing that she sometimes forgets to take them. I've spoken with her husband. Last year an OT said that Mom should not be left unsupervised in her home. Her husband still leaves her alone when he needs to do things and says "Oh she'll be ok for a few hours." When I suggest memory care he says he takes good care of her and he wants her there with him. Mom however is unhappy because aside from going out to lunch she spends most of her time sitting on the couch picking at her lip or hands. I did get her to agree to go to a memory care facility in a week but am wondering what rights (outside of a guardianship) does her husband have given my siblings and I have both POA and HCPOA? Just a tad more background. They live in her house and she (I as POA) pay for meals on wheels 3 days a week and his monthly expenses are just half the utilities. So he gets by very easily on his monthly expenditures. I do believe this is part of the reason he wants Mom to stay there. I do appreciate all he's done the past several years but his unwillingness to do what's best for Mom at this point is making her a prisoner in her own home. I'd appreciate any thoughts on this. I did see a lawyer and he said her husband could go after a guardianship but I don't think he would go that route because of cost etc. So what other spousal rights does he have to prevent Mom from going to memory care?

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Thanks for all the feedback. It's all good and encompasses many of my concerns. Right now my Mom is accepting of the memory care idea and we have even got the facility to hold a 2 bedroom assisted living apartment should her husband want to be there. I plan to discuss with him today. My thought is he will find the cost prohibitive but we'll see. I do not plan to force Mom into memory care but will continue to steer her that way. Her ability to reason is also leaving her. JesseBelle you are correct. I read the state laws on Guardianship and they likely wouldn't even hear the case. Guess I just want a better quality of life in her final years. Again thanks for all the valid comments. I appreciate it.
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Are you sure she is in stage 3? People in this stage are normally still fairly competent and can get by if they have some help with things like medicine. There is usually no reason to make radical changes at this stage except in anticipation of it getting worse. When you spoke of her sitting, picking at her hands and lips, I wondered if the dementia was more advanced than stage 3.

There is one big question here -- what does your mother want to do? Have doctors declared her incompetent? POA can't be used to force someone to do anything if they are still competent. Guardianship wouldn't be granted. If it were me in this situation, I would realize that Mom has a progressive disease that is not going to get better. I would pay attention to what she wanted to do and help her do that. It doesn't matter how you feel about her husband. What matters is how she feels, so she needs to get you on board with her life.
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The problem is, she can change her mind and he can convince her to come home. He can talk her into revoking your POA's and appointing him. He can cash out all the joint accounts in a snit of temper.
Guardianship would prevent him from doing that.
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If your mom has not been declared incompetent, she is free to live where she wishes.
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I will be facing this same situation soon. My mom and dad need to be in care but dad has dementia and won't discuss the issue. I have POA and may have to force the issue soon. It seems to me you have the right to put your mom in care against the wishes of her husband. One method I have discussed with the pros and may use in my case is to place mom in care and try and slowly convince dad that she misses him and needs him to live with her and take care of her. It might work.
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