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I have POA over my father. He has become more and more unmanageable. He is now in assisted living. The nurses and caregivers are very good and professional. However, having spent a half year in 2013 and then another whole year in 2015 taking care of my father, I have such a fear of them kicking his sorry butt out and leaving me to care for him. I'm in my early 60s, retired with my wonderfully patient husband. My father left my mom, me, my sister and brother when I was 17, my sister was 12 and brother was 7. He never looked back and provided very little monetary support for my brother and sister - none for me as I turned 18 a few months after he divorced my mom. ($150/mo per child plus mandatory increases over time.) He did not give anymore support of any kind. My mom was left as a single mother. This all occurred because my mom would not perform lewd sex acts with him. She was a Christian woman.

I reunited with my father a few years ago and since he has been manipulative and unkind to me and my husband. He did give a us a small gift of money, but with the hopes of controlling me. I told him I will return the money if he felt that it would give him the right to call my husband names.

He's a drain. He's been in fights with several men in assisted living over flirting with women. He's given away valuables to these women in hopes to have sex with them. He's 90. Now ordinarily, if I were watching this in a movie it might seem laughable. And before you feel sorry for this nonagenarian, please know that all of his older siblings are still living and his mom and dad lived to 100 and over. He isn't anywhere near death's door.

Every time there's an altercation, he tries to drag me into it. I refuse. I tell him that he should stop picking fights with the other men. Example: The residents have assigned seating. They can, however visit tables for meals. Dad is very heavily into flirting with one of the women at another table. So, he chose to sit in another man's chair so that he could be close to the woman. When the man asked him to move to the empty, unused chair, my father refused and told him he was there first and the man should sit in the empty chair. The man told my father to, "Kiss my ass!" (I'd have paid money to see this.) Then in his usual flair for drama, he forced the nurse to call me on the office phone to tell me his story. I treated him as I would a child and told him he had no business sitting in the man's chair and that he should apologize. He didn't call for awhile.

I do call or see him weekly, but it is so emotionally destructive for me that I cannot have more corrosive contact with him. If my husband is not around, he will say horrible things about him and tell me I need to leave him. If I'm not around he will tell my husband that I am bossy and he would blame him if he left me. Manipulative.

I know he has dementia, but he is very clever and always scheming.

What he has been angling for is to come back into my home to live - there's a single, older lady next door to us. He used to worry her to death, knocking on her door to see her - she is 20 years his junior. Before that, it was my sister-in-law that he tried to bird dog by insulting her partner whom she's been with for 20 years. I had to actually get nasty with my father to leave my SNL alone as it had become a very uncomfortable situation for all.

And mind you, I am lucky that my father has a bit of money and we can afford to have him live in assisted living - and he is STILL a pain in the Butt. He throws tantrums anytime he can't have his way. He just had another altercation with another man. He wants my husband to come up "as soon as possible to rectify a situation." As he has in the past, it is to force us to move him to another facility. This is the 3rd place. I WILL NOT move him again. It will be all the same. He is only 50 minutes away. They are good to him and tolerant.

Whew! I just had to vent. I come here occasionally to do so just to keep my head clear and not engage in my father's drama.

Anybody else have similar experiences? How do you deal with it?

Thanks.

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Carol. I hope that you can take in what many of us have told you here. To disconnect.
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Kathyt1, you are so right about my father. Many will say how "charming" he is.
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Your father sounds like a classic sociopath. Read the "Mask of Sanity". You can google it. I would resign POA. You owe this man nothing. He will destroy you, your husband, and your marriage. If you can't, please see a therapist, a psychologist, to help you. Sociopaths are glib, charming, liars, who have no empathy or conscience. They are skilled at manipulation. You want to avoid them at all cost.
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But just remember that having POA doesn't mean that you must take your father in. It means that you have the means to act as his agent at his behest. Can you refuse to do things that he asks you to do for him (like move him?) I would check with your lawyer.

Frankly, i would much space between my family this person.
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I would look into resigning POA in a business like manner.
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Oops, I just read that you have POA. That does complicate it a bit more, since you have that obligation. Sigh.
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This sounds so much like my uncle, who is 87 and living at home, driving his kids crazy. He left their mother and them when they were young and never gave any support. He is and was a narcissistic womanizer. On top of that, he was and is mean like the snake. (Don't mean to talk bad of snakes, but you know what I mean.) I've been telling my cousins to help him from a distance. Their father wants to stay in his own place and have one of the kids come to be a full-time caregiver. When they do go there to help him, he treats them bad. He is so abusive.

What do you do with an incorrigible womanizing man? I believe the only thing we can do is help from a distance. Do you have the POA's or anything for your father, CarolAnn? If you don't, I would be cordial to him, but try to be as uninvolved as possible. He may be your father, but he turned his back many years ago to make a bed that he now wants his children to lie in. I understand how you feel with him being your father, but I would steer clear of the bad situation as much as possible. Is there anyone available to move him to another facility if the ALF throws him out? Maybe he could hire someone.
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Thanks to all for the answers. Babalou and Sorrynotsorry, thanks for your comments. As a person and a daughter, I get a pang of guilt if I don't answer, but my husband tells me the same. Eyerishlass, thanks for your comments. I don't allow him to act like this anymore. I used to, but I now realize how manipulative he is.
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Don't answer the phone. Let them leave a message and only respond if he's on deaths door.
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Why do you entertain calls from the AL? You have no responsibility for your father. He's mentally ill. Unless he's been declared incompetent and youve been declared his guardian (don't ever let THAT happen), this is not your circus.
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You're right. Don't engage in your father's drama. I hope your husband didn't stop what he was doing to go to your father to "rectify a situation". Your father doesn't get to insult your husband and then turn around and ask for his help.

When your dad is being a spoiled brat treat him like one. Don't listen to what he has to say and get off the phone. Don't give him an audience.

Does your dad think that if he gets kicked out of another place you'll take him into your home? Maybe the drama is a ploy. Let him know in no uncertain terms that the next stop is a nursing home.
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Under no circumstances take him back into your home. He is toxic. My 95 year old father thinks he is a gift to the ladies as well. yuck. Hopefully, the home has some ideas on how to diffuse these types of situations. Men that age with dementia...it's all about them and their egos. Just visit less often if you are being drug into his drama.
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Under no circumstances take him back into your home. He is toxic. My 95 year old father thinks he is a gift to the ladies as well. yuck. Hopefully, the home has some ideas on how to diffuse these types of situations. Men that age with dementia...it's all about them and their egos. Just visit less often if you are being drug into his drama.
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