I have POA over my father. He has become more and more unmanageable. He is now in assisted living. The nurses and caregivers are very good and professional. However, having spent a half year in 2013 and then another whole year in 2015 taking care of my father, I have such a fear of them kicking his sorry butt out and leaving me to care for him. I'm in my early 60s, retired with my wonderfully patient husband. My father left my mom, me, my sister and brother when I was 17, my sister was 12 and brother was 7. He never looked back and provided very little monetary support for my brother and sister - none for me as I turned 18 a few months after he divorced my mom. ($150/mo per child plus mandatory increases over time.) He did not give anymore support of any kind. My mom was left as a single mother. This all occurred because my mom would not perform lewd sex acts with him. She was a Christian woman.
I reunited with my father a few years ago and since he has been manipulative and unkind to me and my husband. He did give a us a small gift of money, but with the hopes of controlling me. I told him I will return the money if he felt that it would give him the right to call my husband names.
He's a drain. He's been in fights with several men in assisted living over flirting with women. He's given away valuables to these women in hopes to have sex with them. He's 90. Now ordinarily, if I were watching this in a movie it might seem laughable. And before you feel sorry for this nonagenarian, please know that all of his older siblings are still living and his mom and dad lived to 100 and over. He isn't anywhere near death's door.
Every time there's an altercation, he tries to drag me into it. I refuse. I tell him that he should stop picking fights with the other men. Example: The residents have assigned seating. They can, however visit tables for meals. Dad is very heavily into flirting with one of the women at another table. So, he chose to sit in another man's chair so that he could be close to the woman. When the man asked him to move to the empty, unused chair, my father refused and told him he was there first and the man should sit in the empty chair. The man told my father to, "Kiss my ass!" (I'd have paid money to see this.) Then in his usual flair for drama, he forced the nurse to call me on the office phone to tell me his story. I treated him as I would a child and told him he had no business sitting in the man's chair and that he should apologize. He didn't call for awhile.
I do call or see him weekly, but it is so emotionally destructive for me that I cannot have more corrosive contact with him. If my husband is not around, he will say horrible things about him and tell me I need to leave him. If I'm not around he will tell my husband that I am bossy and he would blame him if he left me. Manipulative.
I know he has dementia, but he is very clever and always scheming.
What he has been angling for is to come back into my home to live - there's a single, older lady next door to us. He used to worry her to death, knocking on her door to see her - she is 20 years his junior. Before that, it was my sister-in-law that he tried to bird dog by insulting her partner whom she's been with for 20 years. I had to actually get nasty with my father to leave my SNL alone as it had become a very uncomfortable situation for all.
And mind you, I am lucky that my father has a bit of money and we can afford to have him live in assisted living - and he is STILL a pain in the Butt. He throws tantrums anytime he can't have his way. He just had another altercation with another man. He wants my husband to come up "as soon as possible to rectify a situation." As he has in the past, it is to force us to move him to another facility. This is the 3rd place. I WILL NOT move him again. It will be all the same. He is only 50 minutes away. They are good to him and tolerant.
Whew! I just had to vent. I come here occasionally to do so just to keep my head clear and not engage in my father's drama.
Anybody else have similar experiences? How do you deal with it?