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I have posted here several times about my mother and the verbal lashings I get from her on a daily basis. Earlier in life I never really did anything right, but now the dementia has apparently made me steal things, etc. ANYWAYS, she has a visit to her doctor this week and I am writing a letter in advance to him about the state of affairs right now. I will not be able to cope with this much longer. She always tells the doctor everything is FINE, which could not be further from the truth. In the past I have gone along with this because I knew that I would pay the price if I spoke, but now I am wondering if I should just come clean and fess up. I am considering moving out because I am enabling her to remain in this situation. I work 40-hours a week and have a husband. No one takes it seriously because I am living there. Oh and she will not allow me to have much needed help to come in. I wrote a letter to her doctor last time and it did no good whatsoever.

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You need to have health POA, also the doctor's office has a form that allows patients to list the family members who are allowed access to their health info and also allows you to speak directly with the doctor. Have her sign this so that you can "help" her when you visit the doctor as she needs another set of eyes and ears at these appointments.

As for stealing... this is a very common fear with the elderly. My mother lives in a lovely retirement community with top notch staff. In the past four years she's accused four different housekeepers of stealing from her. Each and every time the claim was irrational and unfounded and the item was eventually found. I try to remind her of this when she starts accusing someone, but she is absolutely determined to make it an issue. Help her search for the item and if she still accuses you gently try to reassure your mother that you are there for her and would never do such a thing. Remind her that she raised you to be the honest loving person that you are. It is very frustrating, I know, but hang in there. You're an angel for helping your mother at this time in her life.
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Unfortunately, I know from experience that the letter will not help. I have even had my mother's doctor call me at home to tell me how worried he is about her living alone. She was abusive towards me when I took her to the doctor and he called me afterward and said he normally has to call APS when things like that are said in the office, but he wasn't going to because he knows me and how I keep taking her to the doctor etc. The next time she was there, he said you need to plan for what you are going to do. It seems like you need more help then you can handle on your own, so what will it be? AL, nursing home, moving with relatives? She said, hopefully I just die. He tried to explain to her this was something she actually needed to plan for and she just ignored it. There is only so much her doctor can do.

Unfortunately, if you do not want to continue being abused, you need to move out and tell her she needs to make other arrangements for her care. If she cannot afford to hire someone, that means Medicaid or moving to a facility.

Remember, it isn't your fault. You did not create her health problems and they are not your responsibility. Your first responsibility is to take care of yourself and that means removing yourself from your abuser. I find that often people think because it is a parent or someone with dementia, it is okay, but being abused is NEVER okay and you NEVER have to accept it.
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Koko, you're having the same struggle that I have. Even when we get older, we still think that our parents need to be boss. We'll do anything to keep them from being mad at us. This includes things that make no sense at all. It can be so hard when we have to become the one in charge. When someone's thinking becomes impaired, they can start behaving much like a child but want to stay in charge. It is a difficult position to be in, because anger can be bad when we don't do what they say or question them in any way. We have to remember that we're no longer a child.

I feel like I could write a book on this. I'll just say that if she says you steal something, simply tell her you would never do that. Maybe help her find what she's missing if you can. Don't be afraid to speak the truth to her doctor. What would your mother do? Make you leave? Well, then, tell her you'll help her find an AL facility so that you can.

Our mothers have trouble as seeing us as anything but willful teenagers. We can't correct their opinion, but it doesn't mean we have to be controlled by their whims.
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Yes I realize the key to the solution is medical POA. There must be at least 6 copies of this laying around the house. When her doctor spoke to her about it you would not believe the drama and hysterics. 90 years+ and she wants to be kept alive by any means necessary- had a pacemaker put in just 1and 1/2 years ago. Will not accept her own mortality and won't even discuss it...... but she has never been one to be able to sit and have a crucial conversation with about health, finances etc. and does not see the importance of this
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First, make sure your letter is short, sweet, and to the point. State the facts with dates and times, if known. Quote your mother's delusional accusations verbatim along with the date and time so that the doctor can detect a pattern such as sundowning.

Second, send the letter overnight certified mail return receipt requested. You want to get a signature confirming that the doctor received it. Otherwise, it will get zero attention.

Your situation is untenable and it sounds to me like you've already made up your mind about moving out. I encourage you to follow your instincts and find your own place to live with your husband. You do not owe your mother sacrificing your wellbeing or your marriage. Moving out is the first step to empowering yourself to make the decisions that are in all of your best interests. Caregiving must work for everyone involved.
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I would write a brief note outlining your mom's accusations and also that you and your family will be leaving mom's home on July 1.

And that you'd like the doctor to discuss what level of care mom needs when she no longer has her daughter living in her home.
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You need to become medical surrogate or get medical power of attorney somehow. The problem is that she has to sign the form that makes you so. Her mental issues aren't going to get better, but worse; so this needs to happen as soon as possible. If there is someone she trusts and will listen to, try to get their help in convincing her that this is needed - in case she is incapacitated somehow. Do it in a way where she feels in charge of her own wellbeing by doing this. It's a touchy issue but it will get harder to do, the longer you wait.
Once you get it, you need to make sure you're in the room when she sees the doctor. She'll protest but you need to be there.
I dealt with this with my dad but I was lucky enough to have a brother who got medical surrogacy for the 2 of us. My dad (who was independent and difficult to deal with) trusted him enough to sign the form.
I wish you luck in getting this done. It's a delicate situation to deal with. Take care
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Koko12, what happened when you wrote a letter to her doctor before the visit last time? What is going on that you think her doctor should know about?

I am no longer allowed to go into the doctor's examining room with my mother. I have been told to wait in the waiting room. She doesn't like them talking to me, and wants all conversation directed to her.  (Last time I had to be the one to tell the doctor that she'd had a panic attack while holding on to her walker and finally lowered herself to the floor and then crawled to the phone to call me. Her life alert button was in the other bathroom, of course...) The doctor also asked me in front of my mother if I thought my mother should be living alone (my mother never even heard this, although she was right there). My mother misses so much of what is going on from a combination of not hearing/not processing/not remembering. 

I have heard that sometimes doctors say to their patients, "So, your daughter says that you are ______," which completely misses the point and the patient just denies the behavior or activity or whatever. There is a much more delicate way of phrasing things!

P.S. There was a gas leak at my my mother's condo building last week. The gas guy didn't know which unit, so had to check all of them. He would do different things and knocked on the door to get in to check something quickly and then to inform me which unit had the leak. My mother was in the back of her condo, meanwhile, or in the bathroom. She told me that I should NOT have talked to the gas guy or relayed any info from him. I was supposed to have said, "You have to tell the owner" and just stood there like a dummy. Oh, and if she was on one of her (many) bathroom trips, too bad for him!

So from now on all of her conversations with her doctor are without me, and she deals with any workmen herself. 
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Is it to a point that you need to get adult protective services involved? They may be able to help you with some of the needed decisions. Also maybe your local council on aging
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