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Hello everyone
I have established boundaries with everyday caregiving for my mother that work. However, I cannot seem to incorporate them with this moving situation and I do not have time nor wherewithal left to figure something out. And of course, my mother has stepped up her game to make this crisis not doable.
since finding out moms house is in foreclosure late November with an auction date of February 18 caused by none other than moms out of state brother and at the time POA and his deliberate mishandling of moms finances and accounts, I have been under a sudden, extreme amount of stress dealing with many many urgent things to clean up this mess and prevent us from being homeless. I found a buyer for the house last week and then after thinking we would have $35k from selling the house to put down on another place, come to find out Friday there’s a line of credit also with $20k owing on it so now we only have $15k to work with. Things are still doable except for my mother and her games. She is only 73, mobile with her walker, and very much in mental faculties. She understands what’s going on, that I and I alone have to handle it, that there is very limited time and options to make things happen, and I have sat down numerous times and calmly discussed the whole situation with her and that it is imperative that she does her little honey do tasks herself so I can take care of this mess. She understands and agrees, says she will and she has been worse than ever before with her neediness, games interrupting me when I’m on the phone or doing something toward trying to resolve this crisis, calling out from Her Chair saying she needs help when she just needs ice put in her cup which she can do herself, she’s been fake coughing constantly, I still haven’t found a place for us to live, I haven’t started packing a three bedroom house with over 44 years of contents, and she is just non-stop with messing with me. I am so stressed, frustrated beyond limitations, angry, scared, worried and solo that I’ve been having chest pains and my mind doesn’t feel right at times. Adult daycare may not be an option due to limited finances and her refusal to go. All I know is I cannot and it is not possible for me to get things done with her here 24/7. Suggestions?
I can’t just walk away and there isn’t family etc around to help; like many of us, I quit my job and put my life on hold to care for her which of course, gives me no income and total dependence on her for finances.
thank you in advance for replies.
xoxoxo
susan

OUPHyperop - I gotcha. You are looking for suggestions on what to do to keep mom from driving you up the wall in the next few weeks while you try to pack and move. Correct? I don't have any brilliant ideas. Maybe one or more of the below can be useful:

--Ignore ALL her calls. Only call her when you have time to deal with her.
--When in her presence, literally plug your ears with heavy duty industrial earplugs so you have to hear her nag. Or better yet, wear a headphone and put on some music to listen to while you pack. It makes the work go faster.
--Set her up in front of the TV with her favorite shows, games, movies, or music videos.
--If she likes to look at old photos, let her go through those.
--If possible, get brother to take her for a day.
--Give her a non-habit-forming sleeping pill (if it does not negatively affect her health) to get her to sleep longer and earlier.
--As for packing, do it as quickly as you can. You can find free moving boxes on Craiglists from people who just finished unpacking.
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Reply to polarbear
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Susan, regarding jobs, it's good to network and have connections so you have one foot in the door so to speak.
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Reply to Lvnsm1826
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Thank you for your replies. I may not have been clear as to what I’m seeking advisement for: regardless of anything that I need to do or have planned as far as quitting my caregiver role, I have to get through this packing and moving crisis, I am locked into it. I’m looking for input about what to do with my mother over the next four weeks so I can get things done. Oh after this is over, so is my caregiver for mom tenure. Again thank you for your input.
xoxoxo
susan
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Reply to OUHyperop
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You deserve better than this. It breaks my heart to read how you are bending over backwards here.

Can’t you step back for a bit, long enough to see this is a futile attempt because it is never going to be enough.

Let your mom deal with this. You don’t have to. You really don’t. Enough is enough is enough! Seriously...somehow they will figure it out.

They won’t even try to do anything though as long as you are doing all the heavy lifting. Take a breather, a long break. Hell, just quit. Just resign from it all and find peace in your life. Life is too short. If you could be doing anything that you would like to be doing, what would it be? Whatever is it, plan on making time for it.

I hope the next time you post you tell us that you took time for yourself to do something special just for you 💗.

It doesn’t have to be anything that cost money. You can read a novel that you have been wanting to read. Listen to music. Network for your future employment. Anything but being bogged down like you are.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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amid this mess, I have been actively sending my resume out and looking for employment. Unfortunately, there is no nest egg available so I can get out now which I would quickly and gladly do and not look back if I could. I have also started looking into first time homebuyer programs that help with down payments and I have inquired with several different programs I’m finding it’s a little tricky to qualify because of not being employed and no source of income. But at least I will be informed of the options I may have , either way , my near future is job and my own home or rental and ending my role as moms caregiver even with doable boundaries in place because , well, honestly because I have done all I can, have done it well, and I’m done with it.
xoxoxo
susan
i just gotta figure out how to get through this house crisis and her being a jackass while I get through it
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Reply to OUHyperop
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Susan: You wrote this recently to another poster--

Hello-
first, allow me to rephrase “my obligations to my mom” to “my obligations to my job”. After all, they hired you with the understanding that you would be the best candidate for the position, they pay you for doing your ‘obligations’ and now they want to promote/ advance you and increase your salary/benefits for YOUR livelihood and retirement.
next, how does “my obligations to myself” sound? After all, you are responsible for your future and you have an opportunity to prepare for it and your retirement. Plus, it will prevent your children from having “obligations to mom” later in life. Now that you know, you wouldn’t want to put them or anyone else through the “obligations to my mom” burden I’m sure.
Just try to re-think things from those angles, see if it helps.
last, many of us on here can tell you what your future and retirement will most likely be if you continue with “your obligations to your mom”:

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————.
exactly, there will be nothing there, blank.
i may come across sounding callous, if so, I apologize, but unfortunately, the sound of experience is also a voice of reality. Please love yourself enough and read some of the many posts on here related to your current situation so you can fairly choose what’s best for YOU.

xoxoxo
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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OUHyperop Feb 10, 2020
I got you! And I completely agree (how could I not) ; as I said, the normal routine of caring for her is under control with boundaries in place. It’s just been since this house situation started and the urgency with little time to do things has she just really been acting up and at the present time I am not able to use my usual boundary enforcement methods due to the time crunch and deadlines etc..
thank you for your reply
xoxoxo
susan
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Susan - your mother is either knowingly or unknowingly trying to kill you. Either way, do something before she succeeds.

Save yourself. Find a job so you don't depend on her financially and be manipulated by her. Let the chips fall where they may with regards to your mother's house. You said she still has her faculty, then she can help herself, or she can get brother to help her, or she can move in with him.
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Reply to polarbear
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Brother and mother made this mess. Why is it your job to clean it up?

Can't you exit, go back to work and let her take care of it herself? 73 is not old!!
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Get a new job and retake control of your life. She could live for another 20 years and then where will you be?
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Reply to HelloImMinsu
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