my husbands mother has Alzheimer's she has 2 daughters 4 sons. Son and wife sold their home because they were having financial problems and moved in with his mom to care for her. Sisters felt everyone should go help out on weekends. Son that moved in threaten to move out if more help wasn't given and if mother wasn't taken to their home on week ends and holidays and if house wasn't signed over to him. I do not let her come over because she has had too many falls and she is not my responsibility. How can this be resolved?

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ismiami, very excellent thought about grab bars, etc. It definitely makes the most sense to keep mom at home!
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IsMiami, excellent advice! The things you mentioned are huge considerations.
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Glad is right, mom should be taken care of at her house and not moved around. Taking her to other homes would increase disorientation plus you would need to prepare all those rails, shower seats, toilet accommodations, etc.. Remember her meds, etc..

If one sibling is doing 5/7 th of the work for 52 weeks out of the year, I do not think it is too much to allow him 2 days off a week. Remember there are good days and bad days, the bad day will be or feel like 24 hours.

Assume average 12 hours a day of work @ $12 per hour 5 days a week is $37k for 52 weeks.
Either allow the house to be signed over with his conditions or pass the hat and pay him. The problem with having the house the payoff is if mom hangs on for a while he will feel (and be) underpaid. If mom needs to go to NH next year he will not get the house and the asset needs to go or mom's care....he will get stiffed.

Does brother or his wife not expect to get a job, are they committed to being caregivers? Do they REALLY know what they are getting into?

6 siblings with spouses equals 12 opinions, so please make whatever you decide a formal written agreement or it will tear the family apart.

Personally I prefer cash deals based on market value, that way nobody feels cheated and everyone has an exit strategy. Bro is unhappy he can move out and get employed at something else, not happy with Bro's caregiving, you can hire someone else. Mom needs to go into NH, you can do that ad well.

Good luck
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In order to get the house he has to care for her for two years prior to entering a care facility. And that all needs to be documented in a care agreement prepared by an elder law attorney. The attorney will know all Medicaid requirements for the agreement. And Jinx is correct that he will earn every bit of it! It is a lot of work, thus Medicaid rules allowing for it. If there are 6 siblings, then that should be plenty of people to help as he needs it. But rather than taking mom to another child's house each weekend, which will cause a tremendous about of disorientation, they should consider trading houses for the weekends so mom can stay put. Son and wife would get time together, while other siblings get an idea of how mom is actually functioning in her own home which is extremely important.
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preacher, welcome to the group. If there are 2 daughters and 4 sons, then there are 5 siblings to share the responsibilities of weekends and holidays with your BIL. That would give him some time to enjoy some alone time with his wife and to relax. It sounds like a fairly reasonable request of the siblings. What does your husband think about it?
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Is the son who moved in doing a good job? Depending on how much care mother needs and how long she lives, he will earn every nail, board and shingle in the house. How valuable is the house? I would gladly give up a 1/6 share in a house to know that my parent was being well cared for, and not by me..

Have you ever done care for someone with ALZ? Does it drive you crazy when she repeats the same question over and over?

He wants someone to take her every weekend, does he? That does seem like a lot. Before long, she won't want to do that because she will get so disoriented.

I don't know if this is fair or not. What happens too often is that one child does all the caretaking, and the other kids criticize from the sidelines. That's sure not fair. What happened in my family was that I did the caregiving, my brother handled the financial aspects, and my sister came to give me a vacation. We didn't all do the exact same job, or the exact same amount of work, But we each contributed something so that Daddy would be safe, and I wouldn't lose my mind.

Can you make him an offer of what you ARE willing to do? Or should I say what your husband is willing to do? (Is that the problem? We know that usually women end up doing everything.) It is good to do things to care for your MIL. It's good for your immortal soul. Your husband doesn't have to give up his entire life for his mother, but it's good karma to do what he can.

If this is causing a lot of conflict, consider getting an objective outsider, like your pastor or a lawyer or mediator or family therapist or geriatric care manager, to help you all come up with a solution that is acceptable to all or most of you. This could end up destroying the family relationships for all time, so be as flexible as you can. You can't get another family at Amazon.
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