My son lost his wife 2 years ago. I never had good relationship with his in laws.The father in law passed away. Do I go to funeral or avoid?

Thankyou all for advise and fair comments in this regard. I refrained from attending but sent a short note of condolences to the bereaved spouse. She totally ignored the said message and the phone call too.So that was the dealbreaker for me. I didn't attend and feel so much better now. At least I dont ever have to feel bax about my absence. Onwards and forward from hereon out! Blessings 😊

I go with CM. Usually the Obit will say "in lew of flowers" and give a charity. Donate if u want and send a sympathy card.

See, I look at it this way, funerals are for family and "close" friends. Viewings are for everyone else to give there condolences. Since you did not have a good relationship with them, then I would not go.

Alvadeer, in justice to the OP and to the in-laws she writes about, she doesn't say that *they* are destructive and volatile. She says that her relationship with them was combative and unpleasant.

I greatly respect that, because it takes a big person to recognise that it can be the relationship - or indeed the circumstances - that's the problem rather than blame attaching to particular parties or individuals.

I would not attend the funeral because your son is not in mourning and has moved on with his life. I would send sympathy cards to any of the deceased's grandchildren, if there are any, with whom I was acquainted.

It does not sound like your son will not go for he has already moved on into another relationship. Is he planning on going? If not, I would not go either. If I could have missed my mother in law's funeral I would have given what an abusive witch she was to her daughters and to me. Despite her going to church and reading her devotionals, her god was $ and her passion was control. She was so mean that she set up her estate so that 45% was lost as a punishment for her daughters getting married. Yet, the pastor who did her funeral made her sound like a saint.

Are there shared grandchildren?

If yes, I would consider if they wanted you there, you can always stay in the background. If they want you present be sure and explain that you will be in the back shadows if they need you.

If not, send a card offering your condolences and move forward.

I think the concern now here is support for your son. You describe him as having moved on and the in-laws as destructive and volatile. I would support your son with a call expressing your sadness for him, expressing your willingness to do things to help that you are able, and telling him that you will not be attending services because your presence in the past has disturbed his deceased wife's family and you do not want to intrude upon their grief at this time. If you did care for his wife assure him that you did. If his wife was also a problem in the past, just express your love and concern and support for your son. It is awkward. This post sure proves that YOU, at least, are attempting to do the right thing. Good luck.

Do not go to the funeral.

Find out whether there is a memorial fund and send a modest contribution. If there isn't one, send a modest floral tribute. I stress "modest" because your mission is to keep your profile as low as possible without snubbing the family by ignoring the event altogether.

You must write to your son's MIL expressing your condolences for her loss: this is a formal courtesy and a mark of respect, I haven't checked but I would be surprised if you can't find suitable template letters online. Do not make any reference to your past interactions with the family.

Uncaring? You couldn't stand the man, and there *are* hard feelings. Etiquette demands that you observe the decencies, but not that you pretend to be heartbroken or even grieved at the absence of a person you had reason to dislike.

Who is the mourner?

If your deceased DIL's mom is still alive and you had a decent relationship with her, go.

If you had a combative relationship with the whole family, don't go. They dont need to be reminded of conflicts while grieving.