Son and wife have decided to buy a bigger house and leave their home to have in laws move in with them. Suggestions?

This is a big mistake for the Wife. You should never care for a person who abused you. And if they move in together, it will be in-laws house if they put in the bigger share. Now DIL can get away, this won't happen when they are together 24/7.

Looks like Geaton was typing the same time I was. Yes, the Medicaid angle needs to be looked at too.

What a terrible plan.

Please visit an eldercare attorney to examine the Medicaid-planning aspect and a therapist to discuss the mental health aspects.

Please simply tell your son that there is a five year Medicaid look back and that nursing homes and memory care cost 12 to 15 K per month, per person. Does he want to be on the hook for that?

My mother lived for 4.5 years after entering a nursing home.

Medicaid planning needs to be done by EVERYONE, except maybe Bill Gates.

I would be hiring a lawyer to represent your granddaughter. It is criminally irresponsible for your son to expose his daughter to a child molester.

Why would your son allow his daughter to have any contact with her grandfather after what he has done?

Send them this website and tell them to read every question and discussion about living with and being a caregiver for manipulative parents.

Okay, who thinks that living with a sexual predator is a good idea?

Could it be that dad in law can not find a facility that will accept a sexual predator? This should tell them something.

My heart is breaking for your daughter in law, she is setting herself up for the worse heartache, believing that she can do enough to make her mom love her will destroy her heart.

Best of luck averting this terrible mistake.

This will be a sensitive topic to broach with them and you may only be watching the sausage being made from the sidelines. Perhaps you can suggest they first see an elder law attorney who has experience with estate planning, since buying the house jointly may impact any future Medicaid qualification and can get very messy legally. Even if they (think) they have lot of money now, that can get eaten up with paid in-home caregiving help (and they WILL need that at some point). If the wife is already worn out, it will get worse, not better, if they move in and those parents see her as their 24/7 servant. If both parents currently are physically compromised, she will be outnumbered if her husband isn't helping out A LOT every day, all day. She might be the person you take out to lunch to have this conversation with...("Your caregiving plan sounds very ambitious...have you ever spoken to anyone who's done it? What is your biggest concern going into it?" etc.) I wish you all the best as you try to help them see the reality of what they are about to commit to.

The wife seems to not recognize (or have any) boundaries. This will be a huge problem on all fronts for her in this caregiving arrangement.

What does your son think about this plan. Does HE really want to do this? (If so, he may need his head examined imo).

Or just his wife? (If so, stand up for yourself Man!)

Is this older couple so ill they would be confined to their own rooms & wish to use their own funds for paid aides? Like their own self-managed personal NH on site?

Or will they be enslaving this younger family to fetch, carry, entertain at beck & call so they can continue to live exactly as they wish?

Have a quiet chat with your son. Ask HIS view. Suggest he get independant advice. You don't want to be seen to be trying to split up your son's marriage... But he may need a safe place to discuss what he wants.

Child molesters don’t usually stop at one. A 15 year old girl sounds like a terrible temptation for grandpa, to put it in the kindest possible way. An unkind way is ‘fresh meat’. Where I am, there are special police units to deal with child abuse. My daughter was abused by a ‘friend’ of my then estranged husband, and the police were very supportive of her and me at a very difficult time. And then DH1’s current girlfriend wanted to invite the ‘friend’ to her birthday party because ‘all that’s over now’. Perhaps that is also being said in this family. And no, it’s never over. If grandpa loses self control with increasing age, let alone dementia, you have a real and realistic disaster in waiting.

Based on my own experience, I’d say go and talk to the police about your worries for your granddaughter. Ask for their advice. Sorting out the abuse situation could be very likely to stop the whole idea going ahead.