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It just never ends. Every day I wake up, my battles are always waiting for me. I go to sleep worrying about money, the next days regular fight with Medicare for a mattress, a damn mattress! I fight for more then 4 PT and OT sessions after the IS’s hospital stay. She’s had stage 3 skin breakdown, bed sores etc. When she broke her femur last month in the shower with the CG at our house, I re-damaged my neck and shoulder while knelt down and picked up a soaped up slippery wife from the tile to get her to the ER. After surgery and a steel rod and bolts in her femur, she ended up in CCU in critical condition. Then having the temporary home healthcare, post surgery, at her home being apathetic as they’re in between her obvious needs and the denials Medicare offers. The constant unrelenting progression of her MS, the loneliness of living in my house for years after her move to a board and care, or how alone I was while being the CG for decades before she left. I look at the future of our finances, my job left so many years ago so I could care for her and our then 7 year old, and see more $’s going out then coming in. The physical damage of my back, neck and shoulders and constantly in pain. My only respite was exercise, which hurts too much to do now and my motivation is hard to find. She is loosing her ability to use the power chair. She can’t pivot transfer now as we can only use the Hoyer so her time out of bed is severely limited. She has to use what little strength there is to use her left hand across her body to drive the PChair now, as her right hand is leaving her. Little things, like the car suddenly having a problem today, even though I bring it in regularly, become magnified for me. I go to see her every day and she’s, understandably detached and I see the fear on her face. I look in the mirror and see the wear of stress on my face. There are times when things build up so much, you just can’t think to reason. Things just slow down to a crawl. The little business I tried to start, stopped 10 years ago, even though I’ve kept it open hoping things at home would change somehow. Now I’m in the process of dissolving it. I’m saying all this here as I’m not comfortable getting into the discussion of it, with those who can’t relate, yet seem to have all the, why don’t you try this, answers. Why don’t they try the, this, that I’m trying to hold together. I know I’m not the only one with such issues, I’m just alone with these problems and thoughts and I’ve never been good at asking for help. I don’t even know if there’s help for these issues. It’s so much harder when you can’t see the way out. Even my family can listen to these issues for just so long before even they step back from things and...I understand why they do. At this moment, I’m somewhere between angry and depressed.

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Lord knows you have enough reasons to feel the way you do but maybe you ARE depressed, clinically depressed. So many people on the forum have been or continue to be on medication or in therapy and have mentioned how helpful it is, perhaps you should talk to your doctor about this.
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I know what it feels like to burn out and believe me you are there. You need time away. Go for at least a week. Do it for your own survival.
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When I feel like this all
can’t be real, and I read what I’ve written I feel like I’m reading a story about some poor schmuck in a Woody Allen movie. I look at it and it hits me, that it’s really true, this is really the way things are now. Sort of like an out of body experience.

I’ve told my wife and daughter that I’m taking off for 5 days fishing. I don’t really care if I fish or not, I just need a change of perspective. Daughter has been wanting me to take off, while wife just becomes silent. Not angry, just withdrawn.
I am taking an anti anxiety Med, but maybe I should try something else.
Lack of sleep really is deadly. I need sleep.
The $’s we have would be ok if we didn’t have 2 households to support. Of course hers is pretty steep even though it’s not expensive by standards. Im absolutely burnt out. Even I know it, it just seems to be a constant. I just try to block it out, but of course that’s counterproductive.
More then anything though, I gain some degree of hope from all of you people whose thoughts and suggestions I respect. People who are there, or have been there and take the time to offer up their advice. It does help and I appreciate it.
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I don't have answers or suggestions. I just want to give you a big virtual {{{hug}}}. What you're going through would knock anyone to their knees. I am so sorry you and your family have to go through this suffering. {{{Hugs}}}
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Go and enjoy yourself. I am so happy for you that you can get away for five days, whether you fish or not. Just being able to sleep is so worth it. Turn off your phone, step away from social media and tell people to contact you only if there's a nuclear war. Otherwise, everything can await your return. This is a marathon and not a sprint and you are taking some time for yourself so you can stay in the game. Let us know how it goes.
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My heart goes out to you. ((Hug)) I wish I could wave a magic wand over your head and make it all better. I am very concerned about both your mental and physical health. Talk to your doctor to see if he/she can give you something for your physical health. Show your doctor this post, perhaps someone in your doctor's office has some ideas. As far as your finances are concerned, I wish I had an answer. Is there a social worker who can help you with perhaps some new suggestions that you haven't thought about. If you haven't already done so, call your County Office on Aging, or perhaps your church if you have one, maybe someone there can help with financial advice. ((((MANY HUGS)))).
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Absolutely, you need a BREAK from all this. You are valuable and worthwhile, even when you aren't caregiving or earning money or DOING anything. Let us know how you feel when you get back. We care!
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Your feelings sound so familiar to me. I often would grab my head and say "this can't be happening". I feel sometimes like my life is some sick joke there for some entity's amusement. What gets me through each day is doing little things for myself, even if a good cup of coffee and watching the birds. I think little good things add up. Sometimes it is all I have. I hope you can get some respite and support during this time. Wishing well for you and much strength, {{HUGS}}, Katie.
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Dear Istuscany,

Please know you are not alone. I hope the fishing trip and time away will help. I know its not easy. Keep talking it out with us. And know there are always options. I know it doesn't feel like sometimes but there are. Keep hanging on.
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Why not join a church group or go to support groups available for families? The more you see that there are others that actually experience the same mental and physical issues you do makes it mentally easier for you. Also in these groups you learn what you can do to get help in financial as well as mental and physical.
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