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My 79 year old mother lived with me for over 15 years. I am a single mom with a 23 year old boy and 15 year old boy. I work full time. In June I moved mom into skilled nursing because it was no longer possible for me to care for her at home and we could not afford in home care. She kept saying she would go if I felt I couldn't take care of her anymore. She had 2 knee surgeries and 2 shoulder surgeries and did not do the required physical therapy. Her weakness progressed to thepoint where she could not get out of bed unassisted. She is declining in the nursing home. She wants to sleep all day. She won't participate in any activities. I told her its not healthy to spend so much time alone. She then said " I was alone the whole time I lived with you" wow!!! That really hurt my feelings as I never even went away overnight so that I would always be home for her. I slept on he couch after her last surgery to help her if she needed help during the night. My brother thinks I shouldn't push her to get out of bed and do physical therapy as its her choice. Do you think this could just be her mental state? They say she isn't eating enough or active enough. They are trying to get her to stay up for longer periods but she says am making them pick on her. I honestly don't want to see her some days. Any ideas on how to handle this guilt?

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I agree with pam. I made myself real scarce for a few days. When I finally walked in they shed tears of joy and hugged me like I was their long lost daughter. I noticed that sis who spends just a little less time with them is adored! I learn.
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You try to encourage her, but she sees it as nagging. So don't nag. If she is nasty when you walk in, turn around and walk out. My SIL went to see her mother and was greeted with "Where the F--k have you been?" So sis bid her goodbye and immediately left. It's what you have to do to preserve your own sanity. When my MIL started throwing things, I left and did not return for 3 days. She was better behaved after that.
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You had her at home for 15 YEARS!! You've paid your dues and then some. Screw any guilt. Get on with your life, raise you kids and go see her once in a while. If she's a nasty b**ch with you, leave, and stay away for awhile. She may be developing dementia along with depression. Someone recently used a great expression on this forum regarding their mom. GIANT SUCKHOLE OF GUILT I think it was. Don't fall into the hole.
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I would try not to take your mom's comments personally. I know it hurts, but people sometimes say things they don't mean. She could be depressed or have an infection. I would have her checked for a UTI, medication interaction, depression, dementia,or general decline, etc. Her behavior may not be of her own doing. Discuss it with her doctor. Maybe she needs some meds for depression. That could lift her mood and make her more inclined to participate in activities. You can encourage therapy, but from what I've seen, if the patient is not inclined, there isn't much you can do to force it.

While she's not feeling well, I would just let her know you care, keep the visits short, don't blame her and call a lot let her know you are thinking of her. I would just ignore her insults and keep giving her your love. It could be a stage and she gets over it. I would wait until the doctors can figure it out and then decide what to do.

If there is no mental decline or depression and she's just saying things to be mean, then I might tell her that I love her, but will only stay for a minute if she's going to be mean to me.
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Wow I can totally feel your pain regarding this situation. My mom has been in assisted living for about 8 months now and I get the same sort of treatment from her. She too has been declining in health since she went in, in her case she does have terminal cancer. I know how hurtful it can be when she says things that are really passive aggressive and like a delayed reaction response, like when she told you she had been alone at your house all those years. My mom said to me the other day after I had to have her move to another room for various reasons, don't bother coming back. I think the above poster is right about your mom being manipulative. That is how I perceive my mother because she has made these sorts of hurtful statements in the past. It's like they are grievance collectors. One day something sets them off and then they start spewing crap at you from the past, sometimes in such a way that you're not even sure what they are referring to. It is really maddening and stabs you like a knife. I try to only visit my mother once a week because any more than that seriously damages my mental health. I am very sorry for her situation but there is nothing I can do to change things. Just keep that in mind yourself and perhaps limit your visits with her. But know in your heart that you've done as much as you can do for her and that's the best you can do.
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I would continue to visit, but not sure I'd push her. These folk make these decisions, mostly as manipulation crap. Ultimately it is HER choice not to eat, not get out of bed. You do not have the energy, physical or emotional, to engage in this. She has probably been this way her entire life. Just visit, say hello, anything, but don't engage in any 'you oughta' type of subject. I wouldn't be guilty over it at all.
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