It is still early in the Alzheimer’s process for my husband and I sometimes forget that he is ill and can’t help his forgetfulness. When he leaves packages of English muffins under a bedroom desk, can’t recall his grandkids’ names or has word-finding problems I get annoyed and snippy. I realize I have depended on him for almost 50 years of marriage and now I must pay the bills, make all the appointments, do all the shopping, do the taxes. If he goes to the grocery store for blueberries he may come back with grapes and I get annoyed and frustrated. When he says he just took a shower and he didn’t, it becomes an argument. When he repeats his stories I also get annoyed. We really never fought before but now we do over stupid things like “Where did you put the mail?” I realize I get anxious about important mail being misplaced and need to work on a different process but he wants to do the things he always did and if I do them, he feels insulted saying things like “I’m not an idiot”! I have very dear friends for more than 50 years and they would have been helpful to me if we were ever able to get together. Since COVID, we haven’t been able to meet and we all have more medical issues to deal with. Zoom is horrible. Since COVID, we have not been able to go to a gym or our Alzheimer’s’ support groups. My husband was very social and friendly and really misses going out but enjoys frequent trips to see the grandkids. He is friendly, loving, and extremely positive and most people don’t see the Alzheimer’s symptoms. I am reminded all the time of a scene from the musical “Man of La Mancha” when Don Quixote is lying on his bed dying and Dulcina is begging him “Try to remember…” I realize that I say this to my husband and feel I am losing him. I want the man he used to be back! I want to stop “yelling” at him (although it’s not really yelling but nasty criticism). I dread the progress of this disease which adds to more anxiety and snappiness. Reading the stories here makes me feel that I have nothing to complain about. I want my kinder self back. I want more patience. I started on a very low dose of anti-anxiety medication but it hasn’t really helped. I was a hospice volunteer and had plenty of kindness for others but seem to have lost it for my husband-probably because I no longer have “the wind beneath my wings”. If I say this to him, he just feels bad but who can I tell? Except whoever is reading this. Thank you.