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I posted a while ago about my situation,I'm 23,mentally ill,living with my mother who is very sick and my grandmother who has dementia.I've taken care of my grandma for 5 years,I was diagnosed with severe depression a few years ago and later with two other serious mental conditions,I locked myself inside the house and I've lived for my grandma ever since,she and my mother are the only people I interact with in real life.Now her dementia is getting really bad and I can't deal with it,I love her so much but sometimes I have these terrible thoughts that make me feel like a horrible person,they make me want to kill myself,whenever she turns violent against my mother who has a heart condition and shouldn't be dealing with all this stress I just sit on the floor,watching and crying,all of this made me go back to self harming,I hadn't self harmed in a year and a half but it makes me feel better.I cry myself to sleep every single night and sometimes I think why can't I have my grandmother back??Why can't she just go back to normal?I hate having these thoughts but I can't help it!Whenever she's asleep during the day,she won't sleep or let anyone sleep during the night I sit on our living room that was once so full of life and joy and I just cry remembering those moments,there were times when I thought that if I closed my eyes and wished hard enough I would open them and I would be 10 again,with my loving grandmother yelling at me that I should be doing my homework instead of playing,how I miss those small little moments that at the time felt like annoying everyday things that I took for granted but now are like treasures.I basically live off of memories,I miss the past,I hate the present and I fear the future.I'm sorry,I just got carried away by all the memories.What happens is that sometimes I feel like I hate my grandma,I don't think my hate is actually directed towards her but there are times when I think that maybe it would be better if she wasn't around anymore...These thoughts cross my mind for seconds and then I feel terribly guilty and ashamed,thinking I'm a monster.I've never talked about these thoughts to anyone because I'm afraid of being judged,I know everyone will think I'm a horrible person.Each day that passes she's getting worse,I'm getting worse and I don't want to witness this,I'd rather die first and just like I told on my first post suicide is something I really think about,to be honest it seems like the only solution in my current situation and I'm not just talking about my grandma,I'm a sick person and I know that no matter how hard I try I will never be okay.I think I just created this topic to vent one more time and to see if I was the only one who had these kind of thoughts,they make me hate myself.

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Please, Hannah, call social service and get some help. You are handling more than many people with long experience could handle, and you owe it to yourself as well as your grandma and mother to get outside help. They didn't choose their illnesses any more than you did.

Your complete isolation isn't healthy for anyone - your or them. If you call social services and explain your situation, they can help you figure out how to get the care your mom and grandma need as well as getting you the care you need.

This is not an easy step, but you're in a situation that isn't healthy or sustainable.
Please call for help.
Carol
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Believe me, you're NOT the only one who wishes their loved one was gone! I think we all have minutes/hours/days where we wish our loved one was no longer on this earth. Not in a hateful way, but in a "I wish I could go back to living my OWN life" way. You're not a monster for thinking that, you're just very human. And you're a very young person who has been burdened far beyond measure with some tough breaks. You have every right to feel like you're at the end of your rope.

Please ask for some outside help. You're a good person and you deserve to feel better and not weighed down by your situation. And I think it's time to consider getting grandma some other type of care - in a facility where there's not just one person responsible for her care. Please think about that.
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Hannah13...NO, you should not feel guilty for your feelings. My god...what a situation you've been put in not to mention your own 'stuff.' You need to listen to these gals above and get back to the therapist and get on meds and do not destroy yourself...but do good for yourself. I was a caregiver to my husband for 2 years who died of ALS...5 years later I got Colon Cancer and now, starting tomorrow I will begin on taking care of my only sibling, my Big Brother who has been diagnoised with Stage IV Lung Cancer. I've also been a Cancer Angel to many patients and ALS Patients so yes, you are not alone in feeling like you do. IT's natural...you can't stop it only accept it but in doing so, taking care of yourself is the first priority. I feel for you honey and know that we are here on this board to support you just as we will all need support from each other! Stay Strong and get better yourself so you can then feel free to give and care for others. OR you will make yourself sick. XO
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Hannah, please check in with us and let us know how you are - we are all rooting for you.
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Your wish for better times of the past shows how much you love her. We all want to be ten again, but we can't. Yes, sometimes we want the pain to be over one way or another and hope god will take the sick one home. We would gladly trade our lives for theirs, a total impossibility. Can you call the doctor or her nurse and tell them what you have been thinking. The more ways you vent the better.
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Hannah13, the situation you are in would be overwhelming for anybody. The fact that you have some mental illness only makes it worse.

Are you in counselling now? Are you talking about these feelings with a therapist? I am so sorry that you have gone back to self harming. You do not deserve that. Please, please, if you feel like killing yourself call a suicide prevention hotline, or the number your therapist has given you for that situation.

You are not a bad person for having a hard time with this situation. You are not a bad person for wishing your grandmother had never gotten dementia and your mother didn't have a heart condition.

You did not cause your grandmother's dementia. You did not cause your mother's heart trouble. You did not ask for mental illness. None of this is your fault. You are NOT a bad person.

You deserve to get some support and help. Please talk to your therapist.

Let us know how you are doing. We care!
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Please call the therapist you had before. Make the earliest appointment you can get. State that you are feeling suicidal when you call for the appointment. Discuss with this therapist the financial difficulties you and your mother are facing for your drugs. There are solutions. You don't have the strength right now to seek the solutions, and your therapist may not have the time, but at the very least the therapist should be able to put you in touch with someone who can take care of that for you.

I hope that the Affordable Care Act will ensure that everyone will have insurance to cover situations like this next year! Meanwhile, please go back to your therapist!

Your mother sounds like a wonderful person. She deserve a daughter who is taking care of herself. Your self harming must be painful for her. I don't mean to make you feel guilty -- just to take a step to correct the situation.
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Lots of great advice given to you already Hannah. I like Jeanne's idea of you contacting your old therapist or psychiatrist or both! Tell them how completely overwhelmed you are and that you can't afford the medicine needed to keep you stable. They hopefully will be able to take action on your behalf to get you in touch with low cost or free options.

I would also say that clearly you feel a great sense of responsibility and love, but you don't sound like you are in any position to be caring for others right now - please consider asking your therapist/psychiatrist to help you work out a different arrangement so you are no longer responsible for your grandmother or mother and instead can focus on getting well. Depending on the state you live in you may be surprised at what options might be available to help.
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Hannah, pick up the phone and call social services. Make sure you tell them:

1. You need help.
2. Your grandmother's dementia is causing violent behaviour towards your mother, and serious self-neglect.
3. Your mother is seriously ill.
4. You are consistently self-harming and having suicidal thoughts.
5. The family unit is socially isolated.

Do this. You cannot continue alone. Then come back to us, nobody is going to think badly of you. x
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Hannah,

You are not a horrible person for having the thoughts that you do. I think a lot of us have had the same thoughts, that we wish our caregiving would end and in wishing that, that would mean that the person we care for is no longer here. Many, many times I wanted to RUN as far away as possible. I felt trapped and depressed because I felt like I had no life and I didn't enjoy anything in my life anymore. I too have a mental illness and I am on medication for it and that makes all the difference in the world. Without the medication I can't function. Like you, I went off of it for a while some years ago and like you, my life fell apart. I know meds can be expensive but there are solutions to that. When I was first diagnosed a local outreach hospital would send my medications through the mail and for free but I had to be seeing a shrink and a social worker in order to get that service. If you went back on your meds your current situation may not seem so hopeless. Once I was back on my meds and stable I started volunteering a few hours a week at an adult daycare for people with brain injuries. It got me out of the house, got me out of my head, and made me feel good to be of service to someone else. There's no reason you have to be a shut-in but you have to seek help first. This website is a great place for support but it won't solve your problems. That you feel hopeless and have thoughts of harming yourself are red flags, as I mentioned in your previous post, and those feelings won't go away until you find some help. And I know from personal experience that getting help in the mindset you're in is very, very difficult but you must make yourself do it. You must take action. Everywhere on this website are posts about taking care of ourselves when we're caring for elderly loved ones. It's imperative we take care of ourselves or we won't be any good to our loved ones.

I too have wished I could turn back the clock to when I was a child and had no responsibilities and everything was about love and family and good times but we're adults now and life can really suck. Part of being an adult is recognizing there's a problem and taking steps to resolve it. Taking responsibility for our lives. At 23 you're still very young and have your whole life ahead of you. If you're supposed to be on medication then you need to be on it. Only then will you be able to see your situation clearly and maybe make some changes that will benefit you. Go back to your psychiatrist, ask him/her about financial assistance. I know financial assistance is there because I found it when I couldn't pay for my meds.

Take one positive step, one step in the right direction. That's all. Just one. I promise you'll feel better about yourself and that may give you the strength and the motivation to take another step. And definitely let us know what you've done to take care of yourself.
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