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I once blew up on my older sibbling recently. We reconciled for peace-sake but I still feel good about it. I got a lot of things out of the air:


1) As the youngest sibbling, I got tired of my older sibblings guilt tripping me to spend all of my free-time caregiving, whilst they comfortably live with their wives and children.


2) I let them know that quite frankly, they DO NOT understand how busy a doctor's schedule can get, and since my fiancee and I are both doctors...it is selfish on my older siblings part, to expect me to cancel plans with my fiancee for the sake of care-giving. Sometimes I only get to see her once every fortnight, and my family still expect me to leave her and come take care of my mum.


3) I loathe being told "just deal with it" whenever I say I need a break to recharge. It is basically, an extension of the whole "man up" mantra....men aren't supposed to complain about anything ...so if you are a man, and caregiving for your elderly parent it's not supposed to stress you out, you're just supposed to "deal with it."


4) They do not respect my personal time. Without getting explicit here,I am a red blooded hetero adult male. Can you imagine how frustrating it is, trying to get some action with your SO and your phone ringing off the hook!! The first call is usually some insignificant problem, and the 10x other calls are "Why didn't you pick up the phone?" ... like they cannot fathom the idea that if I am spending time with my SO, I might be "busy."

Exveernon -

1. Being the youngest, you have been trained all your life to take and follow orders from older siblings. It's high time you declare yourself as their equal. They can't make you do anything unless you agree to, guilt tripping or not. Say NO to them, loud and clear and often. Eventually, they'll learn they can't manipulate you. They might not like you, probably will dislike you, but they will respect you.

2. You SHOULD NOT explain yourself to them because they DON'T CARE. They just want you to keep on doing what they want you to do so that they can go back to their lives. Just tell them: 'NO, I can't." No need for explanations.

3. Again, don't tell them what YOU need. They DON'T CARE. You just do what you need for yourself. You don't need their agreement or approval or understanding. Deal with it YOUR way.

4. Of course they don't respect you. You don't respect yourself in front of them. You let them push you around, guilt trip you, manipulate you. Why would they respect you? You let them bully you even though you are now a grown man and a doctor. Do you think any self-respecting adult will let people push him/her around? When you explain to them about your male need, you're asking for their permission. STOP THAT. Turn off the damn phone. Or put it on vibrate (pun intended.)

Your significant other deserves a man, not a baby brother,
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elaine1962 Sep 5, 2019
Yes polar bear, she is going to get resentful. They need to move away and start there new life TOGETHER, not with Mother!!
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I really have a problem with this thread and the one from yesterday. The OP has a 100% valid point.

If he were a woman, most people would be throwing him a great big pity party. No one would ever say to a female, "your fiance needs a woman not a little sister" or a troll. The answers excluding a few were sexist.

I really dont get how a bunch of women old enough to be OPs grandmothers think they need to bully a newbie just because he is a male. As a male (or female), I would tell you to go f*uck yourself.
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Exveemon Sep 1, 2019
Without turning this into a sexist rant....I'd just like to say thank you for empathizing with me. I really appreciate it.
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Have you asked your mom what her plans and intentions are for her care?

I would be open and honest with her and get her involved with finding a facility that offers her social interaction, activities, 24/7 care and the ability to have sons and not caregivers.

Congratulations on your up coming nuptials. I vote for turning the phones off and spending the entire 2 weeks devoted to each other and having a honeymoon that will bring you happy memories for the rest of your lives.

Hugs to you and your lady.
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Exveemon Sep 2, 2019
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I haven't been following this thread, but I just have to add my 2 cents worth.  The reason you "blew up" is pent-up frustrations.  You've listed them 1 through 4 (and very valid, at that).  If not dealt with, you'll become angry, resentful and a whole host of other negative consequences. 

I don't understand why your family thinks your mum is "your" responsibility.  Do you live with her?  Your brothers have married and are leading their lives - what makes them think that you don't deserve the same opportunity?  You are young, in love (maybe?) and starting a promising career.  Don't let anyone deprive you of your future.  There are care options for your mum and you and your family need to sit down and discuss them.  You've received some good advice here and I hope you'll heed it.  Then, hopefully, you'll share the good news with us. 

Stand your ground.  You can love and care for your mum without sacrificing your future!  Hugs to you..... yes, men need hugs too.  😊
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Exveemon Sep 1, 2019
Yes we do need hugs. It gets hard carrying burdens all the time and being socially forbidden to emote.
Sigh....its September. We are going to see a neurologist....I can't help feeling pessimistic
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Exveemom - I was a bit harsh in my first post and I apologize.

My best friend's husband is a long time doctor and is the youngest sibling. At 57 yrs old, he still lets his big sisters boss him around. They say jump and he asks how high. He goes along with everything they plan even at the expense of his wife and kids. His wife is frustrated with him and has no faith in him. His son and daughter say they can't count on him for anything. Naturally, they have little respect for him.

On the other hand, my husband will stand up even to his parents if he knows he's in the right. He will simply and calmly state his position and reasons, and no amount of persuasion can change his mind unless it's valid and logical. I have so much respect for my husband.
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Exveemon, I believe in prayer and I believe in boundaries. Pray for guidance on how to set them with your family.

Nor to be morbid, but what would they do if you died? You wouldn't be jumping to their emergency, so they would figure it out.

I would probably be really angry with you if I was your new wife and our honeymoon was cut short because your family didn't have enough care for you to figure it out. Not to mention that I would feel very poorly about them as human beings and I would probably not want to ever be around them. People that don't respect others and their boundaries are not worth knowing in my opinion.

I am the youngest and my siblings wanted to be my bosses. It took some serious discussions to get them to stop.

I would also point out that doctors have visits with their patients, they diagnose and prescribe treatment they don't do the hands on, day to day details, so their expectations of you are soooooooo unrealistic.

Best of luck, you are changing their comfort zone, so be prepared for some kick back. FYI: The groom's mother doesn't usually participate with the planning. They do the rehearsal dinner. Traditionally that is.
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It’s time to sit down with your brothers and mother and work out a list on paper of what needs to be done, when and how long it takes, and who is going to do it. That includes ‘on call’ emergencies. If you look at the list when it’s done, and it doesn’t work for all of you, then mother needs to go into Assisted Living. There her care needs will be met around the clock, and her sons can provide love, visits, outings, and oversight of how well her needs are met. No vague assumptions!

Two doctors make for a difficult marriage. You need to start right how to work out with your partner about roles, lines in the sand, and support structures for the two of you. If you can’t do this now, you are both doomed!

Your explosion is a good base for more realism all round, as well as a way for you to make an apology for blowing up, and to get things on a friendlier level.
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Beatty Sep 3, 2019
I love a good list. When I presented mine, the look on Dad's face was *astonishment* when he saw on paper, in black & white ALL the tasks needing to be done & who was doing them.

Then I took my pen out & CROSSED OUT everything next to MY name - firstly just to ask him "OK how is this going to work now?" I pondered that list a good while & concluded the tasks were more than I wanted to provide - this was causing my resentment. What got me (still gets me) is the assumption that I had endless ability to provide time, energy & money.

As I was not given the respect to be consulted how much/when I assisted I made the decision I was DONE being delegated the hands-on caregiver.
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I am having the same problem here though I am a good deal older. I have spent the last four years tending to my parents needs on a daily basis. My dad passed away two years ago at 100. My mother is 102. I have been with her nearly every day the last two years. I have no free time at all. My wife and I haven’t even had a weekend off together the last four years. I have spent the entire summer either at the hospital or at a rehab center with my mother. Now she is home with care providers she doesn’t want in her home. I have a sister who lives close by, but is focused on her grandchildren or vacations, spending time with her husband, and offers me little to no support. I am burnt out.
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Put your phone on DO NOT DISTURB. 😊

The Medical field alone is stressful. My daughter went from being an LPN to RN and now is a Unit manager for a Woundcare Dept. She worked rehab/LTC facilities for over 20 yrs. She has worked 16 hr shifts on weekends to get thru RN training. When she comes home, she just wants to veg out.

The responsibility of your parent is a shared one. Like said in ur other post, Mom could be this way another 20 yrs. I am 70 and a classmate has had Parkinson's for 25 years. Mom has to do as much as she can for herself. You all should sit down and make a list of what her needs are. Then, who is willing to do what. Yes, ur a doctor but she should have her own doctor's and they should be handling her care. Call ur Office of Aging. See what resources there are for Mom.

Boundries. Goid for standing up for yourself.
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Blowing up, as you say, often just leaves things unsettled. Better is a rational and thought out approach, not open to their manipulation and bullying. Gently explain the facts to them, and when they come back, gently explain the facts again.
I think that a lot of this we did discuss yesterday on your Forum question regarding whether there are any men acting now as caregivers. You did express there also that you do not want to lose the woman you love over this.
Same answers pertain. I don't know if cultural expectations come into any of this at all, but there comes a time when you do need to live your life for your own family. That will now be your wife-to-be, yourself, and the busy careers you both will have moving forward.
I think you will have to move away from being so concerned with the opinions others in your family have of you. As long as you are so overly concerned with their good opinion you stand to be open to their bullying and manipulation. It is time to now move forward with your life. No need to be cruel to family; just explain to them that you have a very busy career and are planning your marriage, and simply don't have a lot of time to discuss these things with them.
This will allow them to seek further solutions.
Time to play GREY ROCK with them. Argument and discussion only leads to accusation and frustration in these cases. Move away from it all, and leave them to their own devices.
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elaine1962 Sep 5, 2019
Yes Alvadeer I agree with you!! He is getting married and needs to put his fiancé first!!! I have to go over to my mothers house every other day and my coworker goes every day to take care of her father. That time spent with our parents takes us away from time spent with our husbands. They are both doctors so that takes time away from each other day and night and being on call. He needs to put his fiancé first!!
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