Is there someone out there to take care of me?

195Austin
Cat,
Not sure my first letter went out.

Thanks for the advice, I think that mother would throw the plate at me if I took her a plate and then say why didn't you come and get me you know that I want out of this place? Then she would say something hurtful. Mother has her mind and knows what she is saying. She is kind to the workers at the home where she lives. Over time she has ran everyone away. She finds something wrong with everyone in the familly. Like no make up, your hair is not fixed right, pants are to long, that doesn't look good on you, etc. She doesn't see a good side about any thing or any one. Everyone wants to stay away from her.

Tough skin, well I have had 40+ years of verable abuse from her. I hated to go for visits on the Holidays. If it wasn't for my dad I would not have made the trips at all. I feel that my husband could be right this time. I want to enjoy the Christmas season and not think about the ugly things she can say and hurt me. She has let me know that I was a promissed child to my dad before they got married. Lucky for her.

As for a friend, if I had a friend that treated me the way she does I would say GOOD BYE. But because she is my mother and because I want to do what GOD wants me to. I keep going back for more of the same. If I do bring her home for Christmas and she starts on me I will pack her up and take her right back to where she lives so fast it will happen before she knows what is going on.

HI LYNN AND CAT. I NO HOW THAT IS MY MOM LIVES ALONE STILL PROB NOT FOR MUCH LONGER. SHE IS NOW STARTING TO FIND FAULT WITH EVERYTHING TO. TO FAT TO THIN YOU DO NO WHAT IM SAYING. NOW ITS ALL ABOUT THE CLEANING GIRL I HIRED, SHE COMES EVERY WEEK AND CLEANS AND EVERY OTHER TO CLEAN AND DO LAUNDRY. IT HAS MADE THINGS SO MUCH NICER FOR ME.. BUT YOU SEE IN HER EYES NICER FOR ME IS NOT A GOOD THING.. IT WAS KIND OF FUNNY LAST WEEK, MOM SAID SHE WANTED BETH FIRED BECAUSE SHE IS NOT DOING A GOOD JOB IN HER EYES. SHE DID THE WHITE GLOVE TEST ON HER. THIS IS A PERSON THAT HAS NOT CLEANED IN 8 MOUNTHS, HER HOME IS VARY STRATED UP BUT NOT CLEAN AT ALL.I JUST LAUGH AT HER AND SAY IM THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN FIRE HER AND SHE IS STAYING. ALSO MOM WAONT LEAVE HER APT ANY MORE, SHE WAS INVITED FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER, AT THE LAST MOMENT SHE SAID SHE WAS NOT COMMING. AFTER MY HOUSE WAS FILLED WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY SHE CALLED CRYING. WHY DID NO ONE PICK HER UP. I SAID YOU DID NOT WANT TO COME, I WOULD NEVER DO THAT. I SAID ARE YOU READY TO GO. WELL NO. SO SHE TRYED TO UPSET ME BY CALLING MY HOUSE ALMOST ALL THROUGH DINNER. I FINALY HAD TO GET MAD AND TELL HER WE WOULD NOT BE ANSWERING THE PHONE ANYMORE. MY DAUGHTER TOOK HER A PLATE AND WAS MEAT BY HER IN THE LOBBY OF HER APT CRYING. AFTER KISSING HER AND HUGGING HER MOM GOT ONTO THE ELEVATER, THERE WAS A LADY DRPPING OF HER MOM, SHE HAD THE NURVE TO LOOK AT MY DAUGHTER AND SAY YOU SHOULD FEEL GULTY FOR DOING THAT... I PROBABLY WOULD HAVE HIT HER. I WISH I WOULD HAVE BEEN THERE, THEY DONT KNOW ANYTHING, AND THEY SHOULD THANK GOD FOR THERE LIVES WITH THERE PARENTS. BECAUSE WE ALL DONT HAVE THAT. SHE ALSO THROUGH OUT THE PLATE OF FOOD. CANT WAIT TILL X-MAS....

TRACY

Hello, I recently lost the best person I ever knew, my Daddy. Actually, he was my father in law but he was still "my Daddy". He went into the hospital on September 30th and passed away on Nov 3rd. Hardest thing I ever went through was telling him that it was okay to go to Heaven. Now I am dealing with his wife. My mother in law, she is going through her fourth round with cancer. Started in 2000 and now we are taking full blown chemo treatments. My husband, is an only child and the bulk of the care falls to me because we have a farm to take care of, and we both have full time jobs. Mother was doing okay while Daddy was living but it seems like she just stopped when he left us. They were married 62 years and I know it is hard on her, but we can't make her fight to live. We have moved in with her, we still have our home that the cat lives in. We go there to shower and change. I cook, clean, paybills, fix her medicine, run a taxi service, you get the picture. I don't want to feel so mad at her all the time but I do. I think, what happened? She was fine 3 months ago. She self medicates so somedays are spent trying to figure out what she took and when, calling the home health nurses, and fighting with her because she claims she didn't take anything. Oh, and did I mention I am on the job most of this time. I am greatful to her she has been more of a mother than my own but I just want to run away. I told my husband I understand these women that jut vanish. He just smiles and says make room for him. We have no time for ourselves. I mean we are living with my mother in law... Am I a horrible person? I just feel strung out all the time.

KDN261, NO NO NO YOUR NOT A HORRIBLE PERSON. SORRY TO SAY WE ALL FEEL THE SAME. I WANT TO LOVE MY MOM SO BAD, BUT I JUST CANT. JUST KEEP COMMING HERE AND VENTING

TRACY

As Tracy says, you are not a horrible person. You are a good person dealing with a huge amount of stress. Please keep talking, get as much help as you can, and let your husband know you need help. You are carrying three jobs - the farm, your other job and your mother-in-law. She is no doubt miserable since her husband died, but you can't let her kill your health. Have they tried antidepressants for her? That may help her, but it's tricky to get the right one. It's something to talk to her doctor about.
Carol

Tracy, thanks for letting me know I am not alone. I just feel so overwhelmed. Its like the world keeps on turning and I am standing still or spinning my wheels. Just spent 2 hours on the phone, with husband, nurses and doctors to see what medications she really needs out of the 17 that are listed. She has knocked herself out again today. But swears she didn't take anything she wasn't suppose to. I am thinking about calling my doctor for something for my nerves.

Carol, she has three different type of nerve pills and one antidepressant. 17 different prescribed medications. Its unreal the amount of drugs she takes. I had to remove all of Daddys meds and had the home health come in and remove all the meds she did not need. She brought out several more bottles yesterday that I had no idea about. They were hidden somewhere. So who knows what is still out there.

KDN216, I TO CALLED MY DR AFTER MY SEP DAD DIED OF CANCER 5 YEARS AGO. MY MOM CHANGER RIGHT AWAY, WHEN I TOOK HER TO THE DR'S THEY SAID THAT SHE HAD WHATS CALLED STRESS DEMENTEA. AND IF NOT TREATED WOULD GET BAD. WELL SHE WAS TREATED AND SHE STILL IS CHANGING. I HAD TO GET ON STUFF FOR MY NERVES. SOMETIMES I THINK SHE IS GOING TO MAKE ME SICK AND I WILL DIE BEFOR HER. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF ALWAYS. WE ARE ALL HERE FOR YOU. KDN216, WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

TRACY

Kim and I will talk to the doctor about that at her next treatment, she goes Wednesday. You are awesome!

I may upset some with my views, so let me say ahead of time, that is not my intention. It is simply the way I believe.As children, we are not programmed to love unconditionally. As parents we do. I love my son , no matter what, tho I may not like some of his choices. But I did not always love my dad. That is a sad statement to his life, not mine. He was never good to me, and I didn't hate him, I just became indifferent. That is not to say I did not do everything I could to make his last years more comfortable. That was a statement about my life and how I choose to live it. I do not feel guilty for not feeling guilty. I do not have any regrets in regard to my dad. Parents(not in my fathers case) usually love unconditionally, as the children of these parents who says that we have to kill ourselves trying to make them happy. I do not volunteer to be anyones victim anymore, and I will figure out a way to communicate this to the person who is being abusive.It can be done with love for self, and compassion for my circumstances, and setting those boundries. Did our parents kill themselves trying to make us happy, or did they try to teach us to be respondible for our own actions. My mother gave me these gifts, so I was able to resond to my dads needs, not react. Were there times I pounded the steering wheel on the way home. You bet. But I also spent time calming down, regrouping and moving forward. I have to go to work, and do not feel I've finished what I need to say. More later. God Bless

INDAM, I WILL WAIT FOR MORE BEFORE I RESPOND, HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY

Lindam, your words are from a wise person who has lived and learned a lot. No one can walk in anothers shoes. Many adult children must make choices about how (or how not) to care for a parent who didn't care for them. Also, we caregivers must learn to set some boundaries, even with the parents we love, or it can kill us. We can't forget that over 30% of the caregivers die before those they are caring for. That's not the way it should go.

I know several people who simply cannot be there to care for a parent who was abusive to them. If they can get help to deal with the hate, and let go of guilt, that is good for their own health. Often, they can often step in enough to see that the parent is cared for in other ways. But not everyone can give hands-on care to a parent.

Thanks for your kindness and wisdom.
Carol

In response to LindaM, I am not upset with your views. I do agree with most but I am the daughter in law and I do NOT have that bond that she has. I spent the better part of last night listen to my Mother in law and husband argue over her medicines again, only to find out that she lied to us and the nurse. She told the nurse that she dropped her pill box and tried to replace them. I am lost totally on what to do. We have too many doctors giving her meds and one doesn't know what the other is doing. I try to talk to them but my Mother in law doesn't tell us when she is seeing the oncologist anymore because she does not want him to hear from us what is going on. She likes attention and a lot of that is our fault. Daddy was so wonderful and fun that he was the center of the attention. Just don't know where to turn. Any advice would be great.

kdn216, don't know if it will work for you, but as a caregiver to my Mom, I choose to be her patient advocate, which means that when she got tired of repetitively pricking herself in her finger to monitor her blood sugar levels, I gave her a break knowing that eventually I might be able to help her find it within herself to get back on track. Sometimes being a patient advocate means going with your loved one on each single one of her doctor's visits and not saying a single word, rather, actively listening before you ever try to help her and/or her doctor communicate better with each other. Sometimes, instead of disclosing something your loved one doesn't wish to share with her doctor, it helps to help the doctor to re-phrase an intake question to better get to the heart of the issues you believe are hidden under the surface. Doctors need a whole lot of help in being strategic caregiving partners, I have learned. Being able to let go of the "lost" items which repeatedly get "lost" also helps. I have purchased 4 glucose testing machines in less than 9 months because they get "lost." Those are expensive! I cannot say that I would be thrilled at 80 in pricking my fingers every day and not so sure I would even be consistent about it, so sometimes a little downtime for Mom is worth it to help the person for whom you are caring get back on track. Arguing over "lost" items only makes my loved one and me more frustrated and ultimately retreat in communicating, which is always an undesirable and stressful outcome for me. It will not always work, but it works often enough for me that I let go of more in the short term to try to allow Mom time to work through her feelings of discouragement which are entirely reasonable. Being chronically ill is no fun for anyone. Maybe offer to go with her to her next oncology visit by promising her you will not say a single word, then live up to that promise, if reasonably possible. She may be pleasantly surprised and open her door of communication just a tad? Who knows? Wish there were formulas for caregiving

Kdv216
Does your mother in law use the same pharmacy all the time-they should know what meds she takes and if they are being renewed as needed

Thank you Carol. I always appreciate what you say. And you are right about children making choices to care for their parents. It was a choice I made, and as I said I have no regrets. My dad was an unhappy person as long as I can remember, so why did it never really surprise me that he never appreciated anything done for him.In essence, I did what I did because I could.I really never had problems setting boundaries with him even if he didn't care or respect those boundaries. I couldn't MAKE him do anything, but when he became intolerable, I would tell him, I'm taking a time out. I didn't have to say why, he knew why. And to go into how "bad and wrong" he was, only played into his games. I would take as long as I needed, then I could handle the situation until the next time. He resented that I did that, but me being the caregiver did not make sense for ME to have the resentments. I wasn't going to spend years after his death trying to get my head straight. My experiences have taught me when elders act like this, they are afraid and feeling powerless. So, to them, causing constant chaos, talking ugly, being demanding, ect., helps them to not feel so powerless. My dad was afraid to die, and was very angry he could not bully God. So he tried to bully me instead. I have worked with elders who are kind and appreciative and then watch them treat their children horrible. If I had an answer, I would sure share it. Each one of us have to set our own boundaries, what works for me may not work for someone else. Sometimes nothing works. So, in the end, did I do my best? Did I have something left over for me? Was I honest with myself and with him?And it always comes down to this, people treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Instead of driving myself crazy trying to figure him out I used that brain energy to take care of myself. He did not control me. There were times I was angry, frustrated, well, just human. I survived my childhood and his second childhood. I learned alot about myself, my faith and that my best is good enough. I don't know if any of this helps anyone. But feel free to ask questions if I did not make myself clear. God Bless Us All.

You gave an eloquent answer. I appreciate your wisdom (hard earned, to be sure) and know others do, as well.
Carol

I agree, lindam. It is important to be aware of one's boundaries as a caregiver. It makes us the best caregivers possible when we know that we need some time out. No need to argue, or have the last word

Sorry 195Austin, I have not responded to you. Its been another wild week. We only use one pharmacy and my husband and I are the only ones who can pick it up. The problem is her oncologist and her medical doctor do not check with one another when they write another script. Its driving me nuts. She fell again this morning at 2 am. She couldn't sleep so she was up cleaning out the closets. She was not yelling for us she was yelling for her husband, who passed away a month ago. I feel horrible that I am so mad at the world. I know if Mother could help it she would not be like this but she is so draining. I am sitting here thinking I need to do a thousand things when all I want to do it sleep. I know its harder on her than I realize and my poor husband is at his breaking point. The holidays only make it worse because Daddy so loved Christmas. Is there any hope? Kim

Kim do not feel horrible that you were upset being woken up with your Mom's fall it is upsetting to be woken up at night esp. when you have busy so busy all day- when thet fall you know your are going to be up for hrs. getting things settled and will have trouble going back to sleep amd will have to get up soon to start all over again. That was the thing I hatted the most being woken up at night- he has been better about now about that. I am keeping Christmas as simple this year my new motto is good enough is good enough. It will be very hard for you and she probably will be more draining then usuall- I hope someone who has gone through it will be able to help you and I am sure that people telling you not to worry makes you want to scream. I hope I can at least help and encourage you during this time-take care dear lady.

Hi everyone, I read all the comments/ questions. My mother also changed very drastically after my father passed away suddenly last year. They were married over 61 years, dad had just celebrated his 84th birthday when he passed. I too quit my job to care for both of my parents before he passed away. I moved in with mom right away because our house was not accomodating, we have stairs to bedrooms,for someone with arthritis in her spine, knees, and neck. She gets very nasty with me at times, and calls me names and tells me to get out and I do nothing for her. I do all the work, pay bills, take her to dr. appts. and for tests, take her for drives and sees to it that she is bathed every day, takes her meds. gets fed etc. My brother, who lives only 10 min. away does nothing, he goes on vacations, out to eat,movies and being around his two kids and three grandchildren. I have three kids and 7 grandchildren I only get to see if they come here, which they do because it is hard to get mom in and out of the vehicle. My brother told me I am the one that volunteered to care for mom instead of putting her in a home when dad passed. I replied, She raised 4 children, one is him the other me. One brother passed away 23 years ago, the other lives in California. I have had only 2 full days with my husband since July of 2007. I am not complaining, but it would be nice if the brother would spend half as much time with mom and giving me a break as he does on his voluntering on organizations.
I found that if i joke with mom that helps at times. My husband and I bought mom a heater that represents the suns rays, she is alwaays cold.It is called Soleusair, it seems to be helping too, she is not so cantankerous with me, although she glares at my husband most time. Mom also swears when she gets mad, she NEVER swore before.

Thanks for sharing your caregiver story, norma. Your hands are full and it sounds like you and your husband roll with the punches. Not easy. In my world it seems like I am always doing laundry in addition to all of the other caregiving chores you describe. I have a couple of loads in the washer and dryer as I type this reply. It is therapeutic to see your comments on all of the unending chores. May God bless you, your Mom and your hisband.

Well, last night was another fun night. Bedtime was at 9, the first fall was at 11:30 and the second was at 3:30. We just stayed up from the 3:30 fall, no since in trying to sleep. I am going to call her oncologist and ask if this is a side effect of the chemo. And tell him what is going on. I have already called the nurse at her doctor and now I have to call the home health. Another day another round of calls to the medical providers.

Kdn- I sure hope you can get some relief- I know when things happen it seems to continue we had 12 falls in 10 days last year. Take care dear lady no matter how bad things get remember you have a friend in me

Those falls are awful. My mother had a wrist alarm and lived in her own apartment for several years. I was getting calls all the time from the dispatcher (at night). Finally, we had to move her to a nursing home, as she wasn't safe at home.

Falls often do come from weakness (chemo) or other medications that can be adjusted. Let's hope they can help you with this.
Caroll

I talked to everyone in her circle of nurses, doctors and home health to let them all know what is going on. The common "guess" is that the cancer has now spread to the brain. We are due for a pet scan and mri on the 17th. Not getting the results until after Christmas, let me rephrase, not giving her the results until after Christmas. She seems fine this morning. A little sick, some therapist came in with a cold on Tuesday and she "thinks" that is what is wrong with her now. She called the pharmacy herself and asked them to call her doctor to get something for it. Thank God they called me because Mother is already thanking antibodics for a kidney infection. I am telling you it never stops. It does help to vent and to learn from you all. Thanks so much and God Bless.

hello every one , hope every one is having a quite day. I talked to my sister (the nurse) of 35 years i havent talked to her in a month about our dad I told her about his dilusions and about him peeing on the roof i said i was afraid he would fall offf well its more like a porch which is the ceiling to my bedroom, she said "OH WELL" i said i would feel very quilty if that happened that im the one whos lives with him and is taking careof him she said well there is only so much you can do. OH MY GOD now i know my dad was a very bad person but still he is human. what can you do with a person like that and she the one in charge of everthing poa all that stuff on his bank statements. wow blows my mind i use to nat be able to stand my dad but since his damentia is getting worse in the last few weeks he has been nice to me he even thanked me for getting his paper said it means alot to him. wow he really has dementia bad 2 months ago i was a dirty spic. it my sister that is crazy maybe there all crazy. I feel like an orange living among apples. my other sisters son had a baby they called her after the baby was born. now i know why i always felt different growing up im so glad im ADOPTED . I once had a bad thought, i was a product of one of my fathers affairs. i know with out a doubt that if that where true i would really kill my self no joke. that would truly be the worst day ion my life. Good thing my bio brothers rember our mother and father and me being born. even though i was born in a mental hospital. which totally cracks me up .makes so good humor. if any one has ideas on how to deal with my sister please let me know or maybe i should just forget about it and worry about some thing that make a difference. care to all miak

Take care, Miak. Sometimes you have to just detach from it all, and it sounds like you don't have much choice but to ignore your sister's comments. It's hard. Keep coming back and talking.
Carol

My post did not go through I mainly wanted to say do not try to be too independant if someome ask what they can do do not say nothing= ask them to call once a week- many people do not want to bother you while you sit there wanting to talk to someone. My friends know I want to be independent but our Church send us food and it was a blessing for me. I have decided I need to do things like dishes-laundry- bills and most of house neat and the husband cared for instead of stressing about Christmas preparation- Christmas cards will be done as able. I am going to make anappointment with spnail specialist to see if I can get some relief from the pain-short of surgery.

Hello Daddy'sgirl...My heart goes out to you and I can understand what you are going through....I took care of my husband for 2 years as he was slowly losing his battle with cancer. I also had to endure my share of verbal abuse but I tried to remember that it was the effect of the drugs and his illness that made him this way and towards the end of his illness when I thought I couldn't handle one more day I prayed to God to please do just that....give me one more day of strenghth and courage to do what needed to be done. Most nights I would just collapse on the sofa with my clothes still on and immediatly fall asleep till morning, get up , shower and start all over again......He passed away on our 39th wedding anniversary........By that time I was already into another caretaker role for my mom ( see "Needng to Vent")........Please hang in there and know that others care about and will be praying for you.......Jan