Some people have disputes about disagreements concerning POA decisions. They explain that two people in their family share POA. Thoughts?

I think the parents are afraid of showing favoritism towards one child over the other.  In my opinion, making everything equal among the siblings can turn into a nightmare if the siblings disagree on how things should be done.

The way my moms is set up...I am the primary and if I am unable to perform the duties or make the decisions, then it reverts to my brother and or daughter.  Lets say for example mom and I are in a car accident together and I am going in for surgery...then my brother could step in to make medical decisions for mom.

Follow up to my "learning" all the details about various POAs:

I would likely steer away from assigning both daughter as joint POAs. If one isn't available or they disagree, then there could be problems. If set up as one with the other as backup, then you cover 2 bases. It can be tailored such that if one isn't available and/or decided to revoke it, there is another to step in.

BTW, just to clarify - becoming any kind of POA does NOT mean one has to provide the hands-on care of the person. Just because they don't live nearby, they can still manage things for you. These documents are for managing and decision making for financials and medical care only. We can assign anyone willing to accept the duties, like an attorney, but that person isn't likely to accept it if it meant providing that person's care too! So, not to worry that the kids move away!

I wouldn't be concerned about assigning financial DPOA to one who isn't local. There are so many ways to have access to accounts and bills, that this shouldn't be a problem. Medical POA is a different story. Preferably this person/people should be more readily available in case of need. But, there are ways to deal with that if/when the time arrives. Whether they want to provide hands-on care for you should be a discussion between you all. If, as I believe, you do NOT want them taking you in, then make that clear to them and stipulate it in the legal documents if you can. ALL of your medical decisions should be made clear to both daughters. Have it documented so they will know what your wishes are. POAs are supposed to do as WE would have done, if we were capable of making decisions.

My parents assigned 2 of us as DPOA. The other brother isn't local, so he wasn't added. I never used it or even thought about it until mom was having short term memory issues. I then used it to take over financials. Billing, except for CC, was simple - I didn't even use the POA. I temp changed her mailing address through MY PO to my PO Box to get the bills, addresses, contact numbers. I then had them change the mail address to my PO Box. The CC was a pain, limiting what I could do - I'd discuss with attorney about getting digital access added to your documents (computer, social media, presumably CCs.) There is SO much digital content today that it should be a given when doing POAs.

It's all about who you feel comfortable giving this "power" to AND who is willing to accept that appointment. When you discuss all this with the girls, make sure they understand what your wishes would be for anything they need to manage for you, financial or medical. Also make sure they understand that for SS funds they legally should be signing up as rep payee, set up the special account and manage those funds separately, per SS rules.

Similar thoughts would apply to assigning executors (preferably all would be set up in trusts, to avoid probate - sometimes it can't be avoided, but it can be reduced. We will still have to pay cap gains as we access the funds, but avoiding probate was great! I only have to do some probate mainly because of the stimulus checks and the refund of the MC deposit.) My parents appointed the same 2 as executors, but given the opportunity, YB signed off. All 3 of us were assigned as trustees - not sure that was a very wise decision, but for the most part it's been ME doing/managing everything. Initially some discussion and agreement, then they melted into the woodwork.

Your daughters are likely well-grounded and if you discuss all this with them and express your wishes, plus assign them as complementary POAs vs joint POAs, there will less likely be issues. Of course they can still work together and discuss before moving forward - that's what sensible people do!

You also can name each other (you and hubs) as primary POA, with daughters as backup to you and to each other. Hopefully you have enough info now to pick the attorney's brain clean when you go!!!

Starting with just descriptions of the various POAs available, from online sources:

"A Durable Power of Attorney acts as a permission slip, giving authority to a third party to do things on behalf of someone else who cannot do it for themselves. If done properly, the Durable Power of Attorney may very well prevent you from having to be declared incompetent in court if you something bad happens to you."
NOTE: That "something bad" could be accidents or long hospital stays as well as incompetence.)

"Durable Power of Attorney. A durable power of attorney, or DPOA, is effective immediately after you sign it (unless stated otherwise), and allows your agent to continue acting on your behalf if you become incapacitated."

This site gave a nice breakdown of the various POAs:

https://www.kindredhealthcare.com/resources/blog-kindred-spirit/2017/06/02/4-powers-of-attorney-every-caregiver-should-know

"General Power of Attorney. In this situation, the agent can perform almost any act as the principal, such as opening financial accounts and managing personal finances. A general power of attorney arrangement is terminated when the principal becomes incapacitated, revokes the power of attorney or passes away."

"Durable Power of Attorney. This arrangement designates another person to act on the principal’s behalf and includes a durable clause that maintains the power of attorney after the principal becomes incapacitated."

"Special or Limited Power of Attorney. In this instance, the agent has specific powers limited to a certain area. An example is a power of attorney that grants the agent authority to sell a home or other piece of real estate."

"Springing Durable Power of Attorney. In some states, a “springing” power of attorney is available and becomes effective when a specified event occurs such as when the principal becomes incapacitated."

What type of POA you need/want all depends on what your intent is. The third in the above list (Special/Limited) likely doesn't apply here - it could, but isn't as useful. I used this for the closing on my previous home. I didn't want to travel almost 2 hours each way to sign a couple of papers! It allowed my attorney to sign for me, then it was inactive/done.

As noted, Springing would only take effect when the conditions you specify are met (incapacitated, letters from doctor(s), etc.)

The General would cover POA duties before you were incapacitated, should you choose to have one or both girls take over duties. However, this would require having the Springing in place as well, as it is NFG after competency loss.

Durable does seem to be the best, dependent on who is chosen for this task. It does take effect immediately (unless otherwise noted), but if all are in agreement and you/husband are still capable, they don't need to step in. The nice part of this type is that it remains in effect if you become incapacitated (not always because of dementia!!!) Done right, no one would have to have you declared incompetent. The down side is when we appoint someone who either doesn't understand the duties or takes advantage of them. I trust your "girls" were well raised and would do the right thing!

Talking with the attorney who will set this up for you can give you advice about specifications, should you want them. Talking with the "girls" would also be useful.

A) Parental revenge for the teen years
B) Parental optimism
C) To prove miracles exit

I am the sole POA for both my mom and dad, even though I have six siblings. They made this without my knowledge, but obviously they had perfect foresight. My siblings resent me, and decided to have nothing to do with my parents, and rarely call my mom - the only living parent now. My dad passed away from Alzheimer's disease two years ago. He was in memory care until the last two months when he lived with me. I was by his side when he took his last breath at 5:00 a.m. and immediately texted my six siblings. NONE of them called our mom. There is not back story of that warrent their behavior. If my dad was alive, or had PERFECT forsight and knew how they would behave, he would have written them out of their will.

Will all that being said, if one of my siblings was also POA, my mom would be living in some low budget (if it even exits) elder care place, and they would be trying to cash out whatever they can. It is so sad.

Need: Although I was DPOA for my late mother (only because I was the only 'available' adult kid to live with her), when my sole sibling finally arrived at my mother's residence (mind you, as you probably know, I had been living with her for an extended period), he set up online banking under her financial institution with himself as a joint signer. I then asked to be a 'looker' on her accounts. As it turned out, it was a good decision on my part because we owed large chunks of change for various reasons concerning our mother's house and the sale of. After my DH and I had written our check out of OUR OWN MONIES, I saw that my brother had used MOTHER'S funds for his portion. I asked him to amend that; to use his own funds. I realize that this goes a little off topic, but I wanted to share this story with you.

My 2 YBs have co-POA for mom. I don't know how it works. Actually, I do

Oldest brother has financial poa and YB has MPOA, but acts like he's totally in charge.

Which works b/c OB doesn't care and doesn't want to be involved in ANYTHING.

Personally, our 2 oldest daughters co-hold the POA. Actually, the OD has it, if something happens to her, then YD holds it. After that, I will assign VERY youngest daughter.

My son's an attorney and I would NEVER EVER EVER appoint him. Middle daughter is an emotional hot mess and can't deal with anything.

The daughter I chose is the oldest, but that's not why I chose her. She's capable, unemotional and totally fair. She will do a great job. DH and I argued for YEARs about why I would not have son as POA. (LIst is too long). I refused to sign the will until DH gave in--finally seeing how OD would be a MUCH better choice. DH's entire reason for choosing son was because--he's a man. Seriously? Does having male genitalia make you a better judge of character and/or better at 'manly things' like expediting wills.

I believe there are men and women out there that take the greatest delight in causing fights. I believe this is there way of laughing while they are burning in Hell as they cause a last fight.

Is it a bad idea. Boy is it ever.

I do not know the answer to what to do if two people are POA's and they do not agree. If anyone wants a POA, get an attorney who specializes in affairs such as this - not just any attorney - they will have seen and heard it all and can write up a specialized document so the "owner" is in peace knowing what they want done will be respected. Then if you want, stating the conditions, name a second person as a backup if the first one is not able to do the job. NEVER, EVER PUT TWO OR MORE PEOPLE INTO 'O N E' POSITION OF POWER. Hell will break loose sooner or later.

An elder law attorney set up the paperwork for a financial POA, health POA and appointment of health care representative while my brother was able to understand why we were doing this. I am the primary POA but we wanted to name successors in case something happened to me so the POA document spells this out clearly. I live 1500 miles from my brother, now diagnosed with a glioblastoma. Originally we thought he had early onset dementia since he had all the symptoms and I had to take over his affairs. My 22 year old niece lives near him, and the other brother lives about 1800 miles from him.

For the financial POA my niece and I are joint POA since she’s on the ground. I handle stuff like paying his bills, contacting Medicaid, etc and she does the banking. The other brother is secondary. For the health POA I’m primary, brother secondary and niece third. Essentially this brother has backed out of the picture so my niece and I work together. Some facilities called her first since she has a local number but she always contacted me right away. When my brother had doctor appointments she took him and I’d be in on speakerphone during the visit.

The time came when I knew hospice was better than treatment and I wanted him to be comfortable. She’s daddy’s girl and I wanted her to understand my decision. She was in agreement. She went to the hospice office to complete the paperwork while I was on speakerphone. We did the same for setting up an irrevocable funeral trust. Given her age and her other responsibilities I tried to keep her assistance to a minimum. She visits her dad at the nursing home and staff let her know stuff like he didn’t want to shower, while my brother’s hospice nurse and social worker are in touch with me. Obviously this POA arrangement could have been a train wreck in some families but it’s worked well for our family.

It is stupid to have mutlitple people on the same POA, that is asking for arguments and stress.
Just like you should never divide your estate to be "fair" and equal when some heirs will do better with different assets than others. Some POAs will be better at certain actions of POA. If one is better at legal/financial matters they can take care of the Financial POA. If one is better at the medical/caregiving they can take care of the medical POA.
If the financial person is not apt to put the funds towards the medical care, however. If they are just invest and grow the inheritance types, they should never be a POA of anytype no matter how financially clever they may be. Use them as an information asset to the actual POA

I and my older sister both have POA. In case my sister is not around or if something happens to her. The lawyer did it for us. I take care of the money part, she takes care of the medical part. It's worked out well for us. If one of us is away the other can manage. It's always nice to have a backup.

Let me give you an experience I had once. One of my home health patients was hospitalized, clearly at the end of life with no chance of recovery. She had put ALL FOUR daughters equally as her POA. Three wanted no further treatments but palliative, supportive, comfort. Fourth daughter wanted everything done including resuscitation. It was a nightmare for all. Social work tried to work with the one daughter to bring her on board, the doctors could not follow the wishes of three without consensus of all four. The one who suffered was the patient.

Pick one whom you know will follow your wishes even if you know that they may not be their own but preferably are. Pick a secondary for the same beliefs who will step in if there is a circumstance in which the primary is unable to fulfill the role.

I am now writing from the perspective of the patient who is in the Moderate-Severe stage according to my last Neuropsych Exam in March. My DW and I were setting up a Trust, DPOA's for both Medical and Finances when I was diagnosed with Early Onset ALZ. My DW is my Primary DPOA, and our sons are alternates 1 & 2. We are now facing having to skip my DW and go on with Alternate 2, because our youngest son is moving out of state and for the legal things that need to be changed now, The lawyers won't let me make any decisions, and they say my DW would be in a place of conflict of interest. I am glad we set it up with Alternatives for the reason that just happened. We have discussed things with our two adult sons who are Secondary & tertiary DPOA's as to how we would proceed if one of us was incapacitated, which is me. My access to credit cards and money have been turned off. because of mistakes I made. I did not contest that I didn't make some mistakes. I am just accepting of how life has changed. Always set things up with a lawyer that specializes in Trust's, DPOA's and Eldercare. I am resting easy knowing we made the arrangements we needed to make while I was still competent. I would encourage any readers that have not taken action to complete their legal affairs. Please do so, in your own interest and in the interest of your children.

If you are the hands on person, you should be the main POA, with back-ups only if you cannot be there. Putting 2 people as equal POA's means that you both have to be there & agree when exercising your duties. Not convenient and a set-up for delays and stress. You should always consult your lawyer when preparing legal documents, even if its just a POA (make it a durable one) or Health Care Proxy.

My brother and I are not the closest, but since we have everything in a trust for my mom, things are certainly easier. I have the POA as I pay the bills and take care of her errands, bring her to the Drs, take her shopping etc. She lives in assisted living and I live closest to her as well. My brother takes care of the finances in relation to the trust. But any major decisions we usually talk about it before we need to make it.

I guess more than one is suggested in case one of those POA's would pass away before the other one. It also depends on the family dynamic. Both my brother and I are POA's for our mother (was for our dad but he passed in 2020 NOT from the virus). Even though we are 10 years apart in age, we discuss things and decide together how things should be handled. Even though I do most of the stuff due to him being about an hour away, we always discuss. NOW..........if families do not get along, then either the parent should get the one most responsible to be the POA or assign that task to someone they know they can trust. It can cause problems even IF one person is selected.....what if the parent favors one child over the other but maybe the least favorite is the one that is more responsible......who knows, its up to the parents to make the choice. I have seen it happen where the parents change things and it still creates problems cause maybe the one they choose is more greedy. The parent has to know what is best and sometimes that is not always the best. Wishing you luck IF you are in this situation.

Experience has taught me this: no matter who has POA or who all has POA. If siblings do not get along, there are unresolved issues from childhood or one is caretaker and the other is POA, there WILL be issues.

If I knew then, what I know now, I would have declined being POA and mom's care taker. The only other sibling lived out of town and has been irrational over the years and we are both educated professionals.

It has been everything from demands with running day to day operations, calling the police on me and calling APS on me.

All of this, with caring for mom who has dementia has taken a toll on my emotional health. I am sure the long term health will occur too.

Please walk into your decision informed and realistically. No one ever fights over a sick parent but anyone will fight over a "Potential Inheritance"

I appointed both my children (sons) because they bring different views and perspective and I thought both their approaches should inform the decision about me. I also set it that no decision could be made without mutual agreement. I realize that it risks conflict BUT so does appointing just one. I made provision in my POA for tiebreakers. But I instructed them I much prefer that they come to a mutually agreeable decision.

Well, let me tell you about my situation with more than one POA. My mother has 2 children. I have a brother (lives in PA) & I am in SC. After my mom's 2nd husband passed away, she decided to change her will & all other documents that had his name on. She had called me & said that nothing would be changed for at least 1 year. Lo & behold - 3 months later she calls me & said that she has put my name, my brother & his wife as POAs & will send me copy of documents. Fine, that was her decision. My brother & I were not close at all but tolerated each other. I would send birthday cards, Christmas gifts & call on occasions. He didn't. Anyway, I noticed our mother repeating things & suggested going to doctor. Even tried to talk about what to do with mom in preparation for funeral one day. He wouldn't discuss it. Anyway, I even asked his wife to let me know how things were going & if I needed to come up & take her to dr. I would make a visit to mom at least twice a year. She refused to visit me & hasn't in 25 years. Well, my brother passed away & my mom took my brother off her will within 3 wks & guess who she added? My sister-in-law!! Crazy. After 2 years I noticed my mom was repeating alot & asking the same question over & over. Decided to go & stay with her for a week. It was horrible. Her condition, both physically & mentally. She would get up, put on same clothes & never wash or even comb her hair. She was merely 90 lbs! It was so heartbreaking. And not once did my SIL call or stop by. She lives 10 minutes away. So my husband & I decided she had to come live with us. I know I had alot to do but many years ago, I promised my mother she would not be put in a nursing home. Luckily her bills were all on auto draft so they were getting paid. Before we brought her to live with us, we went to her bank. That was another shocker. My SIL name was on her checking & savings accounts. I was horrified as she had access to everything. Well that all had to be changed also.
So much to think about & do, but we did it. My mother looks so much better, weighs 115, eating 3 meals a day, gets daily shower & clean clothes every day. We take her out to eat with us & gets daily exercise. Grant it - she doesn't know who I am anymore as she us in Stage 5 of ALZ but I am trying to give her the best life I can while I can. So, I really think everyone's situation is different. More than one POA may work for some while others it can destroy everything. Luckily, I jumped in to take over my mom's life or she would possibly be dead. She has now lived with me for almost 2 years. She is 91 1/2. Best decision ever! Thx for reading my post. Bless you! Good luck

Well I can only speak from my experience. My dad appointed both me and my sister as his POAs. He knew we lived nearest and we are very close so it worked well especially if one was traveling the other could step in?My sister was an R.N. So she was very helpful when it came to his medical decisions and navigating Medicare. We would divide up some of the tasks that dealt with financials and it really helped when it came time to settle his estate.. Even though I did the lion share of daily care and tasks because he lived in my city and she was 300 miles away, it helped to have her do some of the tasks. We are both in our late 60’s to 70 when dad was alive and when he died so it was conceivable that one of us could have died before him.

its just my sister and me. We are both POAs but we tend to agree on the care my mom needs. I think it works when the siblings are in sync with their parents care. I don’t think either one of us would want the sole responsibility.

I think it is essential that more than one person is named on a POA - what if something happens to that person.
However there are options
You can appoint people jointly and severally so either one or both have to be involved in decisions - which can still cause problems both ways.
OR you can have a named reserve person who can take over in the case of the named POA becoming unable to act.
Either way this is something siblings need to discuss and then the person making the POA has to decide. It is the choice of the person appointing someone to act for them that will matter at the end of the day, but personally I do think it is advisable for all siblings to discuss the possibilities before a decision is made.

For my brother in law his sister and her daughter became his POA of medical does this give them the right to change his medicines? He has headache pills prescribed by a doctor and they won't give them to him. They keep giving 1000mgs of tylenol every time he has a headache sometimes as much as 3000mgs a day. I said to the daughter it can kill his liver she says to me everything kills the liver.

How they got POA is he was in the hospital for appendix they decided he needed it so they got the paperwork notarized by a notary without him being there, the notary was not present to see him sign it and the witnesses didn't see him sign the document. Is the document legal?

Its just a fight for his care they don't know how to feed a diabetic they don't know how to feed someone who has heart disease and they won't take any advice from someone who does and has dealt with it for over 30 yrs.

They want to keep him happy and comfortable but this is killing him.

Does a POA give them the right to keep him prisoner in his own home that he can't go out walking by himself? Does a POA give them the right to put up ring doorbell cameras in his home without his knowledge there is one in his kitchen and one in his bedroom and if you are thinking they can see everything in that bedroom you are right.

How can this be stopped without them knowing who turned them in because then they will take it out on him? It just sickens me that they are doing this to get at his finances.

I have 2 brothers. One in PA. One in NC and I am in SC. All 3 of our names are on the POA. I am so glad. I moved my mom to SC. So if ever anything would happen to me. Heaven forbid...either of my brothers could step in and just take over. Otherwise it would be a mess. My 2 brothers have always supported me. Unless you have siblings that are gonna question your every move....I recommend this. Mom is in MC now soon to be placed in a NH.

See this by the American Council on Aging

https://www.medicaidplanningassistance.org/power-of-attorney/

It gives an explanation for the varied POA's, includes Springing POA.

My parents made me their sole POA - durable for financial and medical - it's durable and was effective when they signed it. They didn't give it to me for several years until they were wanting me to be of assistance to them. I told them I would make no major decisions without discussing with them as long as they were able to give input. I too am unfamiliar with "springing" POAs. Dad has since died but I'm still following the practice of discussing major decisions with mom. I will always try and do what is in mom's best interest - which may not always be what she wishes - but as I previously wrote as long as she is competent we will discuss first.

My husband's mother had middle son as POA - and this was to my knowledge fine with the other two - I know it was with my husband. When it came to major decision - middle son didn't just make the decision - both brothers and wives were included to provide opinions. It worked well for their mother.

Naming my brother and I as co-POAs would never have worked for several reasons - lets just leave it at that. I make a point to keep bro in the loop of changes in our parents/now mom's lifel

If co-POAs are named, I believe the parents need to know if their children can work out differences and work cooperatively. If they know their children don't work well together then they need to choose who they trust to follow their wishes - or the spirit of their wishes. If they put oil and water together hoping to get them to work together, then they are courting disaster.

These are legal documents and these decision need to be made without emotion (or with as little emotion as possible). Parents should know the strength of their children and who would be best suited to which duties. If one of none of the children are capable of the duties of POA then the parents should look elsewhere.

Being POA is not to be used as power over others in the family. In my case the POA was activated when they signed the document - it didn't mean I had power over my parents or that I could make any decision I wanted - my parents, as long as competent, could revoke and reissue POAs. While competent they can make their own decisions which could go against what I decided (one reason I discuss decisions with mom). As POA there is a fiduciary duty to the principal.

I don't know if this helps or not.

Appointing more than 1 POA for an area (financial or medical) is asking for trouble because they need to agree on every decision. If they disagree, it can cause confusion on how to proceed with one person potentially countermanding another's directions. It would be best to appoint 1 person as primary POA for medical and another for financial. Another option is appoint one person as primary POA for everything and another person as secondary, in case the primary can not function as a POA.

Well NHWM,
Maybe my situation was different. My mother gave POA to older brother who contributed nothing as far as helping. He had both medical & unlimited financial DPOA.

This power went to his head & he told me “I have POA…..I have control!” He thought this gave him the right to control how & when others would help my mom.

It turned him into a controlling, greedy & spiteful person when we we once very close. He controlled who she saw & spoke to for the last 4 years of her life.

When I was preparing my POA documents, the lawyer said it is best to either have one POA and a back up, or an either or, but not both if you want to assign more than one.

If the POA is written that both have to agree, it can lead to delays in decision making. Or hang things up for a very long time.