Solutions to caregiving decisions. Am I bad for being scared?

" She refuses any kind of professional help, including the idea of going to an assisted living facility or in-home care.

None of this information includes my uncle, who cannot move half of his body has a speech impediment, OCD, hoards, and is verbally abusive."

PLEASE listen to the wise advice from previous posters. Do NOT do this.

You are NOT selfish! Your father is wrong to try to put their care on you. He is putting them above you. It is obvious that you will be placing yourself into an abusive situation if you do this. People on these boards have ruined their lives doing elder caregiving.

Please stay in Texas and go on with your life. You deserve it, you are worth it, and know we are all rooting for you to keep your life.

While rereading this thread it occurred to me that your grandmother has taken on a very difficult role as caregiver to her son, her problems could be related to physical and emotional stress - I can't help but think about the statistics about caregivers dying before the person they care for. Perhaps finding a more appropriate placement for your uncle should be the #1 priority.

Selfish?

Okay. How about: practical?

How much is your father thinking of paying you for taking on this challenging and complex management role? And what qualifications can you bring to it?

Maybe you can work along with a caregiver. I don't know if you could just tell them she is a friend with medical experience. At this stage it sounds like they would be open for some help. That way you would have a medical person there if you needed a break, but you have to pay her with their money somehow. I guess it depends on how bad off they are. The rest sounds great being in Hawaii.

No. Just no.

Hi. You are my daughters age. I’m a little younger than your dad. Wow. I would never in a million years ask of her what’s being asked of you. It’s just wrong. Very wrong. Don’t feel guilty. I can’t believe a parent would put this on their 22 year old child. It’s not your responsibility.

Live your life in Texas. You are building your life as you should be at this time in your life. I can't imagine being asked at your age, by your father no less, to do this very difficult job and put your life on hold.

With a 58 year uncle I would guess you are in your 30's?

You are rightfully scared. Do NOT do this. Is living in Hawaii enticing you to think about it? What is going on in your life that dad would even ask you to do this. Remind him that you have a life and you enjoy it. Your dad is in Hawaii, he needs to do what grandma needs for care. It may not be pleasant for him, but he has to do something about it that does not include you.

Heck! Grandma may not know you either. When is the last time you saw her?

I think it is very appropriate of you to be scared of going into this situation. It sounds like professional help -an evaluation and a care plan for your grandma is needed. Some seniors are very reluctant to accept the help they need. It is not your problem and shouldn't become your problem. I am sorry that your dad has this to deal with, but I feel strongly that you should not have been asked. Your dad will have to figure it out. Don't be coerced into it.

So my uncle is 80% self functioning. He can do most things except find words sometimes, open jars, and needs a ride sometimes (he mostly takes the bus). He's been in this state for around 15 years.

There aren't issues with substance abuse, my uncle didn't take care of his body. Sodas and pizza every day for several years.

My dad is in hawaii. He lives about 2 miles from my grandma and uncle.

You should not feel guilty and you are right, you should have never been asked.

I'm sure your dad is at his wits end because of his mother's terrible behavior. He needs to step back and look at what needs to be done to ensure the safety of these 2 people. Now here is the kicker, unless they have been declared incompetent he can not make them do anything, good side of that is he also can not be held accountable or charged with negligence, bad side is they can do whatever they want.

Sometimes the only way for change to happen is that there is a serious injury, fall, medical condition resulting in hospitalization. That is the time for everyone to step away and say, no safe place for him/her to go. Period! No family can move in, no family can take them, period! Oh don't forget to say that it is because of the abuse verbal and physical. Request a psych evaluation to address the behaviors.

Is there substance abuse in the household? I ask because your uncle is very young to be in his condition and the behaviors seem like that might be an issue. If there is, this will need to be addressed as well, cold turkey is really unacceptable and dangerous.

Is your dad in Hawaii? He needs to gets APS involved so they can intervene, g'ma obviously can't take care of uncle or herself and he is obviously unable to care for her or himself. At this point someone else, that has authority needs to access the situation and deal with the needs of g'ma and uncle. That way they are the bad guy.

This is a rotten position to be in but you should not become the caregiver for these 2 and you should not feel guilty.

Best of luck getting them the care they need.

Yok SHOULD be scared and you should say no.

Your dad is not thinking clearly. These are two people with untreated mental illness. There also seem to be physical impairments but the mental impairments must be addressed as primary.

Encouage you dad to get both of his relatives seen by geriatric psychiatry. Treatment may make it possible to allow them to stay home with hired caregivers.

I agree with all that has been said. I think your Dad needs to consider other options. He probably feels guilty putting either in a NH so is grasping at straws. You will not have a life. And not fair asking you to care for two people, one person is hard and throw in Dementia...

Your Grandmom needs to be in an AL or LTC. Her Dementia will get worse. Your Uncle same thing. They both need more care than one person can give.

Please don’t feel guilty for saying “no”, if that’s what you decide. Your father has “asked (you) to consider” becoming a caregiver. Here are some things to also consider:

1. Can they pay enough? You will need to purchase health insurance which will be over $100 or more a month. Also, will you make enough to put money aside for your retirement? Will you be able to afford a dinner out occasionally? Or will you be asked to do this gratis or for “room and board”? Will whatever job skills you have be outdated when (and if) you ever get back into the workforce? Uncle’s not that old. He could live for decades. Not to be unkind, but Grandma is rapidly losing her right to chose. She can stamp her feet and carry on all she wants, but if you don’t make sure she’s got the care she needs, as her next of kin, you could be charged with neglect at some point.

2. Scenario: both Grandma and Uncle have anger and verbal abuse issues. At any point and perhaps often, you could be subjected to meltdowns in stereo. You try to get to one of them and you take a flyer over some pile of dirty junk and rotten food Uncle has piled up. He screams at you for being so clumsy and disrupting his “treasures”. Uncle poops himself. Then, Grandma starts. Grandma screams that she’s hungry and where is her food. She doesn’t like what you made and throws it on the floor. Then it’s time for bed, but Grandma’s not cooperating. And Uncle needs washed but can’t do it himself. Both want immediate attention. This is a very real scenario. What’s wrong with Dad? If you can be expected to bathe your uncle, for sure he can bathe his mother.

Say no, dear. Don’t let him guilt you into it unless you are REALLY desperate. Tell Dad you will be more than happy to help him find placement for both or them. Home Caregivers obviously won’t work. If he hems and haws, go your own way and let him deal with it.

I agree with Riverdale, I can't imagine taking this on if they lived in the next town let alone half way around the world. I think your father was selfish to even ask you, it is his responsibility to shoulder this burden and come up with a workable solution and you are not it!

I agree with Riverdale! This is a big decision that can affect your life for the next five to 20 yrs if not more. Most of us didn't have a choice or we thought we can do this!

Your dad had no right to ask you or except you to take care of your grandmother and what are you to do with your uncle? It is hard enough to take care of one person, but two would be horrific on your overall health. If you want a life than say no to this.
Prehaps grandmother and uncle need to be in a facility like it or not. In life we don't always have a choice what happens to us or where we live.
You should not have to pick up your life and put it on hold, because that is what will happen.
Like Riverdale, I think there might be more to the story, but don't be quilt into doing something you don't want to do.

Good Luck

No you should not do this and in my opinion you shouldn't have been asked. Why would you just uproot your life? If she refuses help then eventually she will have to be placed somewhere and adjust. You only have to visit this site to see how many lives have nearly been destroyed. It isn't even your parent and you are not at all near. I imagine there is more to the story but in my opinion you should not feel guilty moving forward. You may today but that can pass. I assume you have a life where you are that has some value to it. It shouldn't be destroyed for your own sake.