What can I do when I'm the sole caregiver for my Mom and I am having depression issues?

You need to see if you can get help because if you don't you won't be any help for your mom.See if a family member can come and help you for a few weeks until you get yourself together!to be healthy and strong for your mother!its a long journey alzheimers!my mother has had this for 20yrs

You need to take care of yourself first. Reach out for help to a friend or family member. Make an appointment with your physician and talk to him/her about what is going on. If your mom has the resources for hiring a aide, do it, this is her rainy day. Were you depressed prior to the breakup? Take care of yourself and the rest will fall into place. Good luck and keep us posted.

I agree. You need to get some support for yourself or you will not be able to care for your mom. Think about family members, friends of yours or your mother's, members of your or your mother's church family. Don't know how long you have had changes in your appetite & sleep, but if it has been more than 2 weeks, you should think about seeing a therapist or doctor about depressive symptoms.

That's a tough one. I went through a long depression and whilst some prefer to be medication, I chose the route of meditation and breathing techniques. it helped tremendously and kept me going. Try to remember that the dawn breaks after the darkest moment. There is always a time in one's life when it feels like everything is stacked against you, but you'll come out the other end stronger. I wish you strength through this difficult period.

I was headed down that path and my daughter saw it and scheduled me to see a therapist. I thought I was above seeking help, but I was wrong. Just talking with someone other than family so I could get things OUT was amazing. (I also pray a lot.). But please seek help where you can, you will need it. God Bless

How long have you been looking after your mother? What were things like before she had the stroke?

Seek immediate help of psychiatrist/psychologist. Do not leave your depression unhealed. With regard to your mom, try to seek shelters who will take care of her. You can't work all day and then give care for your needy mom at night. Do not overburden yourself. It's too much to handle. Good luck dear.

I too deal with depression caring for both parents past 2 yrs. It's a very draining commitment to a responsibility "dumped" so-to-speak in one's life. Due to heart issues, my dad qualified for hospice care/home visits...paid in full by Medicare. I contacted Southern Care of Indiana and they were a godsend. I can't imagine your mom not qualifying for hospice and Medicare. If you haven't, contact a home care facility in your area and they can look into this for you. I didn't have to do a thing except sign on a dotted line and they did the rest. Just make sure you do NOT sign anything that states you will be responsible for any charges not covered by Medicare. Please look into a home care/hospice provider. It only takes a phone call. Good luck and god bless.

My wife's massive stroke left her in a similar if not "identical" condition...unable to speak and paralyzed on one side.....(that was in 2005).....After 110 days in the nursing home for therapy (Which did not help her regain any recovery) I took her home and cared for her by myself...I felt invincible....It only took a few weeks for me to realize I am not invincible. Slowly I began to do things to have short breaks of a few hours twice a week and then somewhat more... My heart gave out in 2007...I was no longer able to care for her. She has been in a nearby nursing home since then, and once our nest egg was depleted, she went onto Medicaid in 2009.

What I learned was that my outlook on a number of aspects of life have changed since 2005....(money, my own capabilities, etc.)

It seems to me that your depression will likely worsen, and your physical and emotional reserves will definitely diminish as time goes along...There will come a point where you will be incapable of caring for her (perhaps a breakdown, heart attack, etc.). ....at that point someone will step in although we cannot know who or how at this point....

Others on the forum will likely chime in to suggest agencies to contact...My own suggestion is to do what needs to be done to get her onto Medicaid....if that entails spending down what money she has, no matter how much, it would be worth it so that you can get her the care she needs..(In our case, we spent our life savings (substantial) for nursing care and I never give it a thought now and have a life and still go to visit my wife twice daily at a minimum.)

I wish I could suggest more specifics.

Grace + Peace,
Bob

I agree with the suggestions above. You probably felt a bit overwhelmed already, and now you feel more 'alone.' Recruit, recruit! Ask nice people you know for support. Feeling loved and not alone can come from many types of people in your life, not just a boyfriend. Although you have a sense of loss now, look around and reach out. You deserve to feel happy.

Treating your depression must come first. Only then can you help your mom. Please check with social services to look at options for your mom's care and see a therapist for your own. We'll be waiting to hear how you are doing.
Carol

See your medical doctor and get yourself on a path to better health. Hopefully, you have a PCP. If not, visit an "urgent care" and get referred for services (physically and psychologically) for yourself. This will lead to helping you get services for your mother through local/county/state agencies that exist to help. There IS help out there. You must seek it. Good Luck!!!

If you don't care for yourself as a caregiver first, you won't be able to give care. See your physician and treat the depression. Caregiving is a big responsibility especially when the person you are caring for is bed bound. Contact your local Area Agency on Aging or Bureau of Senior Services, they will have information on caregiving options and support. There are programs that could help you in providing in home care to your mom, they should also offer a support program for you. You need to take some time just for you, after your mom is settled you can sit down and read a book, watch a tv show or do a mini facial at home. If you are able to get some in home help, you can go out for lunch, shopping or catch a movie. You are not alone, and many of us understand how difficult it is to balance our personal lives and our caregiving lives. You can do this. Good luck.

As everyone has said, you cannot be a good caregiver if you do not take care of yourself! This is not selfish, it is giving yourself the support you need. This is what will keep you strong and help you last for the long run. Get help for yourself and give yourself a break! Contact your local Area Agency on Aging (state homecare corp) or VNA.

Although all of the advice is very good here as to what you need to do for yourself, I am sure the logistics of exactly how you should go about doing it is the big question. It would seem that you first need to find someone to watch your mother for a few hours so you can seek either medical help or emotional support for your situation. NOt only are you dealing with your mother, you have suffered a great loss with the loss of the relationship. You need space and time to mourn that and recover. And if you are not working or working enough, money is surely a problem with paying for even a few hours of care. Start making calls from the house to home care agencies, hospice providers, and even local churches to find some sort of assistance so you can help yourself. Take it one day at a time and all you are looking for is a few hours of care (that you can trust) so you can seek help outside of your home. You need help in many ways and it's time for you to go beyond your own situation and reach out to someone.....anyone. I feel your pain and hopelessness. I pray for your healing and that you have the courage and strength to pull yourself up out of the darkness that you must feel surrounds you.

Some cities have home health care services and you can hire a home health aide for a minimum of two hours. It's at least for two hours since they don't make that much and this way it's worth their while. You pay them each time they come out, which you decide on or can set up a time for each week. It would allow you to seek help from a counselor for your depression not to mention giving you a needed break. With the home aides watching your mom, you could even go shopping or have some 'me' time which is greatly needed in these situations.

My suggestion is: START FINDING THINGS THAT MAKE YOU LAUGH EVEN HYSTERICALLY. That is the best therapy I can think of for depression. It will free you and get you completely outside of your situation. MAKE IT YOUR DAILY MEDICINE. I asked God to give me laughter over a year ago, and He did!!!

I've struggled with depression all my life…had a great therapist and thought I was doing well...it started creeping back in when Mom moved in with me, not meaning to, but taking over my life and my house and my relationship..and after a couple of years it built up to the point where I was at wit's end. My best advice is DON'T WAIT…start reaching out to a therapist NOW. In our area, and I suspect others, it often takes weeks to get on a therapist's schedule, especially one that takes our insurance. If you don't take care of yourself, you can't be your best at taking care of others. It's obvious that you're a caring person given that you've taken this on, and you deserve to be taken care of too. Just sometimes the only one who can take care of you is YOU. Please reach out this minute…sometimes just knowing that help is on the way makes you feel a little better. Please let us know how you are doing!

How old is your mother? I would look for a facility where she can be cared for while you work on your own issues. I'm not suggesting you abandon your mother. Just the fact that you mentioned your 'boyfriend' not being willing to help take care of her along with the fact that you are no longer with him is indicative that you didn't choose a MAN who was willing to commit to you and be there for you and/or you had unrealistic expectations from a person who is not your spouse. Depression happens when things are out of balance. I bet you have a lot of 'shoulds' in your life and you are should-ing all over yourself (a term I once heard in counseling and I love it). Give yourself permission to get yourself straightened out, take meds if you need them, don't find excuses to skip mental health meetings and visit your mom once she's in a facility. Realize you are in control of very little and submit to that. I know from experience, being a 'control freak' previously IS depressing. Because it is pitiful how much we are NOT in control of. You get one life. That's it. Live it. That doesn't make you a bad daughter. BTW, all communities have a line you can call - '211'. It can avail you of many services available in your county for your mom and for you, for all kinds of help and support.

We are often told that life is what we make of it, this is not true, sometimes the cards we are given are far from our control, but how we see life is what we make of it. At this time maybe you feel you have it worse than someone you actually know but know this, someone out there has it worse than you, someone is hurting worse than you, has lost a child and so on. This is how I get through life at my toughest times, and I think that way often to make sure it settles into my memory. Seek whatever help you can outside of this way of thinking to help you along. Think of how things could be worse, and thank the stars that they are not. If you are unable to help your mom at this time, seek help for her, even if this means finding a good facility or a quality caregiver. Reach out! My thoughts are with you.

With all due respect to lilbug, I don't think that when you feel really hopeless and in a dark pit it helps that much to think someone's pit is deeper or darker than yours. Still a pit, in the dark! A twist on that may be though, thinking of the things in life that you ARE grateful for. Sometimes it's just that the sun is out rather than rainy and cloudy, or you made it home without getting stuck in traffic. There is a huge difference between feeling occasionally 'blue' and clinical depression. And I think what was being expressed here was not 'the blues'. Once clinical depression is managed, people's lives still are what they are. No one has a perfect life and dwelling on negative rather than positive aspects of it is never helpful. It's the glass half empty vs half full approach. But, again, someone unable to eat, function, leave the house, crying all the time, paralyzed is not someone who will feel better thinking someone 'has it worse than I do' because when one is that low, ceasing to want to live is a real threat. Clinical depression is a red alert, deal-with-it-now problem.

Depression (rather than just being sad) is a real physiological condition that can be treated. And you deserve treatment, hardtohandle! You are a caring, compassionate person and you are important. You deserve to be your best self, and have a chance at pursuing happiness. Once your depression is in remission you will also be able to be a more effective caregiver for your mother, and that is a good secondary reason for seeking treatment. But the first and best reason is that you deserve to feel good.

Depression is often treated by a combination of drugs and talk therapy. Sometimes both components are not required, but I think they will be in your case. I urge you to see a specialist, perhaps at a mental health clinic, rather than just talk to your primary care provider.

There are some habits you can establish to help keep you out of the clutches of depression. But the basic treatment to get it under control is not a do-it-yourself project, any more than you can make asthma go away by thinking good thoughts.

I sure hope you'll come back and tell us you are going to get treatment!

As for GM, I repeat the suggestion to start the process to get her on Medicaid. Lots of opportunities will open up if she has a way to pay for them.

iVisit almost everyday but she asked to come with me and it breaks my heart I don't sleep I don't ea I visit almost every day but she asked to come with me and it breaks my heart I don't sleep I don't eat I feel lost and empty and guilt and I don't know how to make peace wit and I don't know how to make peace with this

for people who have famil for people who have family members that have dementia or Alzheimer's

Do not self-medicate. By that I mean absolutely DO NOT take yourself off your depression medication. If you currently are NOT on depression medication, get yourself to a doctor ASAP. Depression is an illness, but it can be regulated by the right "cocktail" of medications for you, the individual.

First, I am sorry that you are facing such a time in your life. There are two main types of depression.. But mainly your thoughts are focused on the negative so one thing I learned when i went through a 9 month time of being down is to think on those things that are good and lovely. Focus on God's goodness. Put on the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.
Do fun activities. Surround your self with positive people.
Get professional help for your mom's care.
I know you may have heard this but it is so true. This to shall pass!

Your going to have to be strong for her and yourself. You need lots of friends, get people involved. Also check into support groups they are great some kind of 12 step program perhaps. Also get plenty of excersize at least 20 minutes a day or half our every other day. Write, writing helps relieve a lot of stress. Journal about how your feeling. Write letters of things you want to say. Anything you can think of. There is so much you can do to ward off the depression and gain strength. We have to be strong and to get strong we have to fight tough emotional times. Be strong build a toolbox of things to use and have faith. Wish you the best. Feel free to contact me anytime for support Mike

Please treat your depression as a serious obstacle to your well-being. Are you seeing a mental health professional? If not, is that something you would consider? Lots of times depression is a temporary nuisance but in other instances it is chronic and lasting without medication and counseling.In either event, your Mother needs your caring and support and that requires you at your best. I have been in the "same boat" and I know you likely feel discouraged or even overwhelmed. Know that there is help and that things can get better if you take steps to feel better. My best to you and your Mother!

I agree that what to do about your mom's care is part of why you haven't gotten help for your depression. Several good suggestions have been made here - one being that you can call 211 (in many places) to see what help is available.

Also, you can type the name of your state's website in your browser along with the word aging. You'll see a lot of links come up that you can try. Somewhere in there should be a local connection where you can find some help with your mom while you take care of yourself.

Please keep checking back for more suggestions and also so that we know how you are doing.
Carol

Hi - I have struggled with depression most of my life and have learned that it can become debilitating if not treated. When you add the aspect that you need to care for another human being, it becomes imperative that you take care of yourself, otherwise you won't be able to help anyone else. Before I found this board, I didn't realize that it is ok and necessary to understand your capabilities and limits. I wish that it would be enough to have the heart and will to take care of your loved one, but I am finding that you also need the capacity and resources and most of all - help. This is a task that is too much for one person to handle 24/7. What I am also learning is that when it becomes your life to care for your loved one, it can start to feel that you are losing your own life. And that is a scary thing to feel and not know how to cope with when you are not depressed. My heart goes out to you and sends warm hugs - please seek help. You can call the Alzheimer's 24 hour help line: 1-800-272-3900 they will connect you to a counselor.