Social worker wants permission to call my siblings to find out why they aren't helping to support Dad?

Erwin, Im sorry, but I forget your back story. Your dad lives with you in a rural area, and that's why it's hard for him to access senior services?

So, can't he move to be closer to the services? Closer to companionship and transport and healthcare? Has anyone ( the SW) suggested that?

My mom lived alone and started having near daily panic attacks. When she had three in a single work week, causing me to leave my job, i sat down and said " mom, I cant do this anymore". She was unsympathetic until I told her that my brother ( her favorite) was going to die of a heart attack, racing to " rescue" her.

We got her moved into Independent Living in pretty short order. Mom got better health care, psychiatric care, socialization and better nutrition. It was a win all around.

You need to see an eldercare attorny to sort out the Medicaid eligibility.

ErwinA, if the social worker is proposing to call your brother and browbeat him into coughing up actual money... ??? Well, I'd have to agree with Barb: what school did she train in? She has absolutely no professional business doing any such thing.

If, however with your father's and your blessing, she wishes to contact all his non-resident children and update them on the reality of your father's living situation and financial needs, there's nothing wrong with that. If she then has the diplomatic and negotiating skills to get agreement in principle to their support, that's wonderful. But since there is no way this could be made contractually binding, you can't rely on it. I'm not sure how much help it would be to you. Being certain of nothing is actually easier than hoping for help that might never materialise, and could screw up future claims.

So, yes, again I agree with BB - better get her to concentrate first on untangling his financial mess. And, by the way, she shouldn't be taking your money into account either. Your father is a self-contained economic unit in this context.

Barb - what you wrote was wholly true, and worse, in accord with my own beliefs of how my brother will react, so no apology is needed.

Truth is, talking to this SW was basically my last chance of lining up any sort of help with Dad at all. Most all of the news was bad. Dad also will "likely not" qualify for Medicaid for at least a couple more years because he paid so many bills with cash the past few years and kept few receipts. Probably I should have gotten involved with his finances several years ago, but at that time neither of my brothers would support me, and even today, only one would.

The only good news was that if Dad deteriorates, the county does operate a hospice, and the SW felt certain Dad could go there if things get really bad. That is a relief, because the doctor told me both my blood pressure, and blood sugar were way too high at my last appointment. I've been dealing with this stuff for a long time, and it's catching up.

Erwin, I apologize if that sounded harsh. There is very little that is warm and fuzzy in caring for aging family members.

Your dad's " independence" is costing you your future. As we age. I believe we owe it to those around us to make our care easier not harder.

As an example, when my ex and I split up many years ago, i was 49. My kids were in college or out on their own. I had some idea of moving to the exurbs or to a fairly rural area. Given my age, i opted instead for a coop apartment close to transportation., healthcare and grocery shopping. If i had to stop driving tomorrow, my lifestyle would be little changed, and my adult kids won't have to sacrifice their futures for my "comfort".

Barb - I think you stated what my brother's position will be perfectly. I know that when my cousin helped us put in a TV antenna for dad, he stated that my brother had even boasted to him that dealing with the parents was my problem, not his.

And quite frankly, I think a lot of people believe my brother is perfectly within his rights not to help support his parents, as you suggest, and to use his resources solely as he wishes without any obligation to his parents, and to rely on someone else - i.e. "public resources" or me, - to make up the shortfall.

All of which makes it all the more galling that he got most of my parent's resources to start his business, and never fulfilled his agreement to care for them. That, IMO, was their own fault for not demanding a written contract. But, he was their baby.

Unfortunately, without those resources, and without even the consensus of the moral high-ground with which to pressure him to help Dad in his old age, I am left to deal with things as I always have - out of my own time and funds.

The public resources that are available to Dad are not all that great. He can get a $3 lunch if someone drives him ten miles each way to the senior center. He can probably get a free bag of groceries each month if we get there early enough to get one. He can get a free ride into town if someone drives him and picks him up from the bus station - four miles away. He can get a section 8 housing voucher if he wants to move out and live by himself - they will pay nothing if he lives here because "it is not a case of homelessness."

Oh, he can get a discount pass for several local restaurants. He'll love that. Although I've come down hard on that habit the last couple of months... fact which he did not fail to complain about to the SW.

The fact is, you stated perfectly why I don't even think she should bother to contact him - he doesn't see it as his problem as long as I'm already paying for it. So you pretty much confirmed my thoughts.

If a social worker called me to tell me that i needed to contribute money to my mother's support, I'd call his/her supervisor to ask why s/he wasn't helping to identify public resources that my indigent parent could apply for.

Interestingly, her second question after how much money does Dad have? was - "How much money and help are your siblings providing?."

Umm... that would be as much as the one can possibly manage - which is very little. And for the other one - ZERO.

Erwin, I recently had an experience with a social worker who was far too controlling and intent on becoming more involved than I felt she should be. I suspect your social worker might be the same way. I also don't think she understands the dynamics between siblings who help and those who don't, or that her intervention isn't necessarily going to accomplish anything except irritate and offend your brother, or perhaps both of them.

And, actually, on what basis does she claim to have the rights to intervene in family dynamics? From your posts, I don't think there's neglect involved. And the house repairs aren't necessarily something your brother might be able to fix.

Perhaps you can redirect her to finding low cost or voluntary assistance for the needed house repairs?

Perhaps another question might be what else might she want to do to "provide assistance" to you? Would her intervention make your relationship with your brother more difficult? I think it might, because he can easily determine that she had to have obtained information from you on his lack of help. He might even be less inclined to provide assistance for you then, if he knows you told a social worker, a nonfamily member, that he's not helping.

I think I'd tell her that you've tried everything, he's not going to help and you've accepted that and moved on, and especially that you're not going to dwell on negative issues.

One of the things we caregivers have to learn is what help we can get, who will or won't help, not continue to make an issue out of it, and recognize that we can't change someone else's behavior.

I'm also p'm ing you with some details on other issues I encountered with the meddling social worker, as an example of how a runaway meddler can be.

I should have specified - she wants to call my younger brother, the skater... I'm still laughing until I hurt... sorry for the oversight!