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Hello, everyone.Mother passed on Aug 9, and I am sure many of you saw the story of her horrible final illness and descent into having her dementia finally uncovered beyond any doubt. I spent weeks feeling as if I had been to war. Hypervigilance, sleep issues, worrying about her care and then remembering that I did not have to worry anymore. A few weeks ago, I dreamed that she was in fact, not dead, and suddenly she was due to be sent back to her hoarded house, thus being my problem again.... oh and she was of course mad! We dove straight in to clearing out her house. Spent several weekends there, and two days where friends helped. We trashed almost everything. Habitat for Humanity came and took the few things that were decent.
I had a real estate agent I'd used to sell my dad's home come and look. She reached out to some investors, and they gave a price that was a good bit lower than I thought we could get, from my checking home sale prices, comps and such. I ended up finding an investor on my own. He did some shady things, there were some nerve-wracking moments. But finally as of late yesterday, the payment from the investor's lender was wired. I'd say in the future, I will NEVER deal with an investor again, unless I have my own agent. Now, as the holidays approach, I feel great relief that I will not be entertaining my mother. It had made the holidays miserable for me and our young adult kids the past several years. I still get weird moments that aren't grief... but I see a pair of fuzzy slippers in the store and wonder if I need to buy them for her. But I have not missed her or her chaos for a single moment.We took a cruise in October with my inlaws, and FIL is really becoming frail at age 80. He has some serious health issues. To be honest, I am glad I will not be in charge of that situation. I am happy to help my husband and his sister, but to know I will never again be placed in a decision making, figuring out finances, problem solving position is a relief.I wish you all peace this holiday season.

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Thank you for the update, you’ve made amazing progress and should be proud of yourself. I also am seeing my in-laws declining quickly and am grateful my husband has fully agreed we will not be providing caregiving for them at all. I think many of us have the moments you describe, wondering why the phone isn’t ringing as much, should we be checking in, buying something we see, it just gets ingrained. Hope you continue to heal and have calm and peace filled holidays
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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It'll be 4 yrs in Feb that mom passed and I still dream about her. I don't feel grief either, really, just relief she's passed and at peace. I myself am grateful to finally be at peace myself w/o the phone ringing constantly with fall after fall, issue after issue, or rants from mom with dementia. I do "hear" from both of my parents with Hello's From Heaven, so to me thats a big comfort. I recently asked mom to send me the sign of a dolphin if she was with me and ok. Honest to God, that day we found 2 flat metal dolphin charms on a driveway we were walking past! The sun was glinting off of them so we couldn't miss them. They live in my wallet now and are always with me.

Thanks for the update and peace to you at the holidays and always.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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It is good to hear how you are doing and no surprise that you have some PTSD from the experience. I was traumatized after dealing with my brother's demise and difficult death a few years ago. So many feelings! I found a therapist who helped with grief counseling and it really helped me process what happened and my many feelings about the experience that haunted me for a while: anger, deep sadness, ruminating on how things could have gone differently. I think it is called complicated grief? But I did get it out of my system and was able to move on. It just takes some time. I also had to empty and sell a hoarder house during Covid and that was a huge weight off. And then I lost my brother's ashes in all the chaos, lol!! But they were recently found, so they didn't go to Goodwill but were just misplaced, so getting them in the ground next year will be the final end to that sad chapter in our lives. We're waiting for my mom to pass and will bury them all at the same time,
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Reply to ShirleyDot
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Oedgar23 Nov 25, 2025
I am glad your brother's ashes were found. That would have been crushing to lose them.
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So glad the house is cleared out and sold and off your docket. Amidst the grief and complicated feelings, I wish you a relaxing holiday season full of simple pleasures! 🦃🎄🕯️
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Reply to SnoopyLove
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My deepest condolences. A big thank you for posting an update too!

As a suggestion, if you mom was known for a recipe or a favorite drink, perhaps do it for a Holiday dinner and do a “toast” to mom!
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Oedgar23 Nov 25, 2025
My mother was a good cook once upon a time, and had a great cornbread dressing recipe... a family secret. I will be making that!
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My condolences as well. My parents show up in my dreams, and I too walk through stores wondering if I should still purchase an item for them.

I recently re-read texts with my brother about my dad, and they were fraught with anxiety and worry--my own. I had forgotten just how pervasive my 24 hour constant concern had become--about "what will dad do next" and how can we settle him down. He passed in September and I have already blocked out just how badly things got. I know he is finally at peace and not riddled with confusion and hallucinations. Dementia is cruel.

I am glad you won't be in charge of your FIL. You've been through all the decision making and problem solving--it is a draining task, to say the least. Wishing you peaceful days ahead. Thank you for the update.
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Reply to DaughterofAD3
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Thanks for the update. Please enjoy your holidays.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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So sorry about your mother but I understand how you feel. I haven't grieved my mother either.

Here's to your next chapter.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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Thank you for the update. We hardly ever get these and we really appreciate them.
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Reply to southernwave
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My condolences, and thanks, O., for the update. I am relieved this is mostly over and she's at rest. Wishing you the very best.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Good for you and it's okay if you don't have unbearable grief over your mother. You had an ubearable life because of her neediness, misery, dementia and no doubt years of untreated mental illness. It's all right if you feel relief that she won't be ruining another holiday for you and your family.

Give yourself some space and some time to process your complicated feelings. Your family will understand if you can't do everything for a while and needs to take a break for yourself.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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Thank you for the update and kudos to you for muscling through it all. I'm pleased to learn that you seem to have true peace in your heart. The dreams about her will eventually stop -- it's our brain's way of processing our emotions. Enjoy your Thanksgiving!
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