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I’ve gotten over the guilt from family members & now while trying to find a long term care facility for mom, healthcare professionals are not talking that with me, pushing me for in home care or a daycare center Monday-Friday. They all say, the goal is to keep her out of LTC! Excuse me, do you put up with what I put up with daily? The nastiness, selfishness & ungratefulness? I don’t think so!!! Mom puts on s good act meeting with them & let’s lose on me while driving her home!!! Again, here we are with people that don’t understand nor really care. Thanks for letting me vent!!!

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Have you straight out told them that no, the goal isn't to keep her out of LTC, the goal is to figure out the next step because you. are. done.
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Reply to cwillie
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Yes, this is what medical personnel does, and I try to explain that over and over again. You must get your elder INTO hospital in order to get the Social Worker there engaged in finding placement, because she/he can do in 10 minutes what you cannot do in 6 months. HOWEVER, I always warn people they will attempt to guilt you to take them home. They will promise you things (that will NEVER happen). They will tell you "We will make this work. We will get you help into the home". Later you will find out the cost is prohibitive, the time they give you is inadequate and etc. They will insist the elder goes HOME and then you can work on placement. Etc. So there is only one way to handle them, and sorry, this is universal. You must STAND STRONG. You must say simply this, and then it is not for further argument or discussion; you must say "I WILL NOT be taking him/her home. I CANNOT now do this anymore, physically or mentally. Sending her/him home now constitutes a threat to his/her care, because I cannot and will not do it anymore. " If they start on the same old litany of "We will make this work" just say "If you send him/her home to me I will not let him/her into the door. PERIOD!" It is only when you are shrieking and broken in some instances that they will understand they now have to get to work on placement. This is WHAT THEY DO. They aren't doing it only to you. They are doing it to everyone. And yes, they want you to continue to do the care that you can no longer do. I spent my lifetime as a nurse. I saw more broken desperate families than you can ever begin to imagine. My heart goes out to you.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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CarlaCB Jul 6, 2019
Thank you for sharing this perspective, AlvaDeer. I have seen this happen in my own family but didn't realize it happens everywhere, to everyone.

I've also noticed that, at least in my area, hospitals seem desperate to get patients out from almost the moment they come in. Within hours of admission, someone will be stopping by to discuss the "discharge plan". Before any diagnosis, even. Before any plan of care, you're supposed to formulate a discharge plan. Oh, and if not ambulatory, they want to start physical therapy, to get you on your feet again, before they even figure out what's wrong with you. Jeez!!!!
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I have to shake my head at people who use phrases like "The goal is...." What the h@ll does that mean? Whose goal would that be? Can there be more than one goal, or can the goal appear different from different perspectives?

What they mean is "The best thing for Mom is be cared for at home." That's honest. Maybe that would be best for Mom. But Mom isn't the only one involved here. If Mom can stay at home without hijacking anybody else's life, that's one thing. But by the time these conversations start happening, that generally is not the case. Some major sacrifice by somebody else is required, even if Mom is a perfect angel. Which it sounds like your Mom is not.

Unfortunately, you need to push back against people who try to guilt you into sacrificing your own well-being for Mom's. She will adjust to life in a care facility. She'll get better care and more attention there. And you can get back to enjoying your own life.
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The goal is NOT to keep mother out of LTC, especially since she's approved for Medicaid. The true goal, dear woman, is to preserve YOUR sanity and quality of life while providing qualified care for your mother in a facility that will provide 3 hot meals a day for her, along with activities and other seniors to shoot the breeze with. Your mother is a Queen of Showtiming......acts like a lovely-fabulous-coherent-non-complaining-happy-go-lucky-charming-little old lady to OTHERS and a bat-shit crazy, chronically miserable complaining and selfish, ungrateful burden to YOU. You can talk to the doctors about this till you're blue in the face but they won't hear you......YOU will be the bad guy, that's YOUR job, the role mother assigned you so she could play the good guy. I know from where I speak, believe me. I've been The Bad Guy to my mother's Showtiming BS antics for YEARS now. And it's only recently that others have started seeing her true colors....the mask falls off eventually, and you'll say I Told You So, but at what cost? Take AlvaDeers sound advice about REFUSING to take her back into your home, period. It's time for somebody ELSE to put up with what you've been putting up with for way too long now. You deserve a life of your own where you can be an occasional visitor instead of a daily victim.
Best of luck
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Lostinva Jul 7, 2019
Thank you! You hit the nail on the head, that’s exactly how she acts!! Every time my daughter or granddaughter visit, which was today, she starts whining to them, “I don't know why your Mom/Gma hates me so much! Pity party to the max. I don’t hate my mother, I just don’t like her, stems from 60 years ago when I realized how she felt about me!!!
Back tomorrow visiting LTC facilities, I will speak out this time, I have to. Thanks again for the encouragement.
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Lostinva - I recommend you record your mom every time she attacks you verbally. Yes, those are attacks. Play back those recordings to any relative or healthcare professional who tries to guilt you into taking her back. All they see is a nice little old lady and her daughter (I'm guessing you're a woman, please correct if I'm wrong) who doesn't want to take care of her mother.

The people who said 'the goal', well, it's their goal, not yours. You have a different goal. You're trying to have your mom taken care of by the professional because you can no longer do it. Go and reclaim your life.

When someone lays guilt on you, throw it back at them. Tell them to mind their own life, and that they don't know the stress you have because they don't walk in your shoes.
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Reply to polarbear
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CarlaCB mentions how quickly they get our elders out of hospitals when they enter. Hospitals are paid by medicare on what is called DRG. That is to say that someone entering with, say, pneumonia, gets so many days paid. After that the hospital starts to lose money. But if they get the patient out earlier they make money. The assignment of a DRG is ridiculous because of course me with pneumonia, otherwise healthy can recover faster than a 90 year old with other debility. Moreover, if the hospital can keep you in the ER or Urgent Care you are not considered admitted and that is a money saver for them as well. Complicated but real. A hospital is dinged by the government for an early readmit. So if your elder sent home in two days and returns within a certain amount of time it is considered that the Hospital likely discharged before patient was ready. To avoid that they try to treat in ERs. This is becoming worse and worse. Just had a friend with burst appendix and abdomen full of what pours in when it bursts. They sent home after only two days on IV antibiotics, open incision and packed dressing changes. Had to be readmitted with pockets of infection but they would not readmit her and kept pouring in antibiotics by IV in the ER over the course of just under 24 hours. It is getting very bad out there. Our medical care certainly cannot be considered the best in the world at this point. Likely not the worst, either, but certainly not the best.
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anonymous828521 Jul 7, 2019
Very accurate, & it's understandable really. There's only so much money to pay for the increasing #of people who depend on medicare & medicaid. (The gov'ts try to avoid raising taxes on the workers) so 'entitlements' are all being trimmed. Some states require family to contribute to their parent's long term care (& that's likely to be the new normal).
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Lostinva, if your Mom isn't seeing geriatric doctors, it might be time to search them out. Believe me, they are far more understanding then non-geriatic doctors.

My parents had a primary geriatric doctor, and without asking me about my time frame, she knew right away how difficult it can be for a grown child to be a caregiver. She would schedule testing right then and there so I wouldn't need to take time off from work just to come back to the office.

And when I was in the exam room with my parents, whenever she would ask Mom or Dad a question, she would glace over at me to see if I was shaking my head "yes" or "no". Anything questionable, she would rephrase the question so my parents would have a better understanding.

Healthcare people need to understand that we, the grown child, are not professional caregivers. It's like going on a job interview with zero experience.
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Reply to freqflyer
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I did take care of my Mom and she was an easy care but I just wasn't a caregiver. I didn't like being "on" all the time. Just as I would sit down to read or watch TV, she would holler she was going to the bathroom, which she needed help with. She would get up in the middle of the night thinking it was daytime. It was like having a baby again. I don't do well being woke up from a dead sleep. Then there were her paranoid times. I couldn't handle the accusations she flung at me. The one person who had been there for her. My brothers couldn't even bother with a weekly call. She had been a good Mom. She was Mom to all our friends. But no calls, no making the yearly visit from NC so she saw the kids. I placed her in an AL. My house was a split so she couldn't roam. The AL was shaped in a square. Every so often in the halls, would be chairs. A nook with books. So Mom would walk around, sit for a while and walk. Used to fiind her shoes all over. Loved not having to be "on" all the time.

Now my MIL. TG the decision never had to be made where she was going. Yes, she came across the sweet little lady to everyone but her DILs. Even now my husbands cousin will say how sweet she was. Yes, as long as you did what she wanted u too. When she didn't get her own way, she got nasty. I think her boys just let her have her way. It was easier. Then they just did what they wanted. My DH new how to handle her. So did my SIL who had been the "girl next door". My other SIL fought her tooth and nail. MIL was not going to rule her roost. That was my SILs job. Me, we had one big blow up and my DH stood by me. I was always respectful and nice. We had some nice times but I had seen the nasty side.

You need to tell these people what Mom does behind closed doors. Take a witness. Stick by your guns. Tell them mentally and physically you can no longer take care of her. She needs a placement. Like said, get a generic doctor who knows what goes on with the elderly. Does Mom have money. Get the doctors order for 24/7 care and start looking for a nice LTC. If no money, apply for Medicaid. They give u 90 days to spend down any money she has. There is paperwork u need to provide. U need to find a bed for her within that time. Placing my Mom went easily thanks to the people at the LTC facility. Mom paid two months privately and transitioned right into Medicaid. If u can afford a lawyer, Medicaid allows you to use Moms money, it does make things run smoother. There's someone else who can help u make the right decisions. Its just that it cost 5K to retain one the both times I needed one. TG not out of my pocket.

When I was young, I used to cry when I got mad. Now, I get mad. Maybe you need to get really mad or cry. "I can't do this anymore".
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Lostinva Jul 6, 2019
JoAnn29, our stories are so alike except I’m dealing just with a mom & also a brother that calls maybe once a week.
my mom has Medicaid, looking for placement. Just frustrating that if I don’t find placement in 2 wks or place her in a M-F daycare program she loses her Medicaid status. They push & push this daycare &/or home care. How do I get people to really understand what the daily struggle is!!! We left a mtg Friday for the daycare & Mom was her pretend sweet stuff & tore into me while getting her in the car!!!! Ugh!!!! I’m seeing my Dr next week, I’m hoping he’ll listen & help me with Mon’s placement.
I’m mad & I cry a lot & can’t mentally or physically do it anymore!
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Please, tell everyone, anyone, the realities of how she acts.  Don't cover up.
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Reply to rovana
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Sweetie, don't worry what other people are thinking. This is a very tough situation to be in, but it works both ways. Some mothers are loving & the children throw them away & abandon them or rob them blind. If your family isn't supportive, they are NOT worth it. Tough to swallow I know, because my children threw me out in the trash!! You can always vent to me anytime I'm on line!!
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Lostinva Jul 8, 2019
Thank you, I’ll remember that!
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