My dad is 91 years old, myself and my husband have been taking care of him for the last 4 years after my mom passed away. I felt it was my duty as his child to move in and take care of him so my brother did not put him in a nursing home. My dad has early stages of dementia he will ask the same question over and over again, he can't remember what he did 10 minutes ago, and trying to have a conversion is pointless, he just doesn't seem to be able to comprehend anything anymore. He is getting worse and worse he is very verbally abusive to my husband he calls him names, and threatens him all the time, he calls my brothers and talks crap about us both, says things that we don't even do. He lies about everything he takes accountabilty for nothing, everything is always someone elses fault and he is the poor victim. I have 2 older brothers one lives here locally and he maybe comes around for a hour once every two or three months and the only reason he does that is because he doesn't want to be cut out of the will, all he cares about is what he's going to get when my dad is gone. My other brother lives out of state and he's pretty well off, he comes down to see my dad a couple times a year and you would think my brother walked on water, my dad worships him, makes me sick! I do everything for my dad and my husband and I are consistantly subjected to his demands and verbal abuse, he has become a very mean old man. It is very hard for me because I was always my daddy's little girl the apple of his eye, I could do no wrong in his eyes. he has become someone that I don't know anymore, I have gotten so tired of it all, I just feel numb, I am getting to the point where I just don't really give a sh** anymore if he goes in a nursing home or not, maybe that's were he should be, because he certainly doesn't appreciate anything myself or my husband do for him. I am to the point I don't even want to be around him anymore, I never thought in all my life I would ever say that, yesterday I just cried and cried and all my dad could say when he saw me crying is that's what you get for staying out until 8 oclock at night and not calling me!! Oh he threatened to kick me out of the house because I got home at 8 oclock at night because I was out christmas shopping. I just don't know what to do anymore, its really starting to affect me and my husband both, I am a good daughter to my dad but all he sees is the negative nothing is ever good enough for him that I do. So I guess I am out here looking for some people that I can talk to that can relate to me and understand what I am going through, if there is anyone else out there that feels like I do and would like someone they can talk to please get back to me I would love to here from you and your story as well, thanks.
My father also bad mouths me and likes to make himself out to be the victim. He has unrealistic expectations. And he figures that if he ever did go into a facility that it would be as nice as when he was in rehabilitation after being in the hospital for heart issues earlier this year. And I don't see him making it in AL with his rude, obnoxious behavior in public. When he was in rehab, he said that another patient's (a nice woman) door was open. My Dad said that he had knocked on her door, and when she didn't answer, he just walked in. She was not happy but he insists that he did nothing wrong. He also found part of a cigarette in a pocket and lit it in the bathroom and of course I received a phone call about it. I think that they were almost ready to kick him out and I would worry about that if he were in AL, assuming they would take him in the first place.
And of course we have no idea about how long he will live. He was diagnosed with a 4 cm aortic aneurysm this year which they said was not all that large. My mother passed from a leaking aneurysm several years after it was first diagnosed. I just hate to think about spending $90,000.00-$100,000.00 per year for a nursing home and then going on Medicaid which sounds like a nightmare. Otherwise, I would have zero guilt about putting him in a NH.
Probably time to consider alternative living arrangements for dad. No one should have to put up with abuse, and you shouldn't be expected to do so, just b/c you've chosen to caregive for your dad. He needs to be somewhere else, so he can be cared for, watched and not by you.
It will only get worse, I am sorry to say. He will get more "out of it" more abusive as he ages and harder to live with.
Have a sit down with the brothers. Lay it out for them. Have them help you, if they will, find a suitable place for him. If he gets angry (and he will) ignore him. Tell him he does not get to run your life and be firm about it. Somewhere in his mind, he may actually get this---you hope.
Caregiving to the point you are stressed and exhausted makes for lousy caregiving. I'm not saying you're lousy, I'm saying you're in over your head.
My mother was abusive to me, off and on all my life. I still do some caregiving for her, but I wish she'd agree to move to an ALF, rather than continue to live with my brother. He is exhausted and angry all the time with her. I DO NOT take her abuse any more, nor her manipulation. It's very hard to step away/back and stop. But it can be done.
Good luck. You're not in this alone.
He can drive himself short distances, his driving was tested by an occupational therapist earlier this year but not by the DMV. He has expected to ride along with me anytime I went out but I have now been insisting on going out by myself because I always regret it when he comes with me. He comes up with dumb, inappropriate ideas- like painting our Ben Franklin fireplace- and things like that. And if you don't agree with him, he becomes verbally abusive in the car. He also ridicules me for being a cautious driver and feels that if rules don't make any sense to him then nobody should follow them. He really is worse than a child and to some extent always has been. He insists on putting meat and poultry out on our deck for raccoons even though I and the neighbors disagree with it. And then we also end up getting cats because of it so he just purchased a pellet gun (for $12.00- meant for kids I assume) to see if he can get the cats with it...he thinks that it would be 'fun'. He was also interested in setting traps to catch and release animals 'just for fun.'
And of course he will not listen to reason. If you don't agree with his ridiculous ideas, or want to try and establish some ground rules about his verbal abuse, his rude and inappropriate behavior in public, or insist on having no alcohol in the house, he almost immediately says that he doesn't want to talk about it. If you continue, he starts yelling 'Shut up' repeatedly. If I don't back off at that point, he will come at me physically. That is what happened recently when he brought some wine home.
My sister lives halfway across the country, and my brother lives about an hour away, he still works full-time and has no patience for my father's behavior, especially after they recently went out to eat and my father's rude, disruptive behavior almost got them kicked out.
My father was put on Risperidone a couple of weeks ago to try and tame his anger, agitation and restlessness but so far all it has done is help him sleep through the night. I have had no luck with finding any real assistance on how to deal with him. I was told by a woman from our county's Aging and Disability Resource Center that my father is a difficult case, and she also said that these days they try and keep people in their own homes for as long as possible. Which I understand but at the same time I think that we need more help when it comes to how to manage these difficult people. My father refuses to take advantage of any senior activities that are available in our area.
Your father's 91, yes, but you don't mention if he has other issues. He could live for years--YEARS!--and with you sounding like you're at the end of your rope, it's important for not just your physical and emotional health, but also your family's to act. At some point, you should check with assisted living or a facility best equipped to care for your dad if you can't find help.
You won't be a bad daughter for putting yourself and your family first. That's your first priority. Consider also, if you and your family's health suffers from the stress of his dementia, then your father's health may suffer as a result too. That's not fair to any of you.