I am a grown woman who has had to live with mom to help her for approximately 15 years which has been hard then she got dementia the last two or so years, I tried my very best to keep her home as long as I possibly could. She fell many times, broke one hip then the next year broke the other hip ....Mom is 95 and a high fall risk. She would not use her walker, and rarely used her cane. She was very unsteady on her feet and it was just a matter of time before she fell again and would end up her last days in the hospital. I felt in my heart I needed to place her.

I did my homework and looked at many of the bigger places with the long hallways and almost placed her in one ..... then discovered a group home with only six residents that were able to be watched and cared for closer in a home setting so that’s what I chose. I had to trick Mom into going there for a free lunch with her little dog whom she could have stay with her there. After lunch I broke the news to her that I have arranged for her and her doggy to stay there she took it really hard which is understandable, I would’ve felt the same way but it really had to be done. She cried and cried and got extremely angry saying I was evil, that I should be ashamed of myself she hated me. I get it and I don’t blame her I wouldn’t like it if someone did that to me either but under the circumstances with her dementia and being a High fall risk I had no choice I followed what was in my heart. “How could you do this to me??" is what she kept asking.

I told her I did not do this to you I did it FOR you because I love you. Well that went over like a lead balloon. I did fix up her shared room, which was large with a pull curtain in between, that had a large bathroom attached for her convenience and safety. I could’ve gotten a very tiny private room, yes for $500 more, but to use the bathroom she would have to come out of her room and go down the hall. I was scared she would fall in the night doing so, so I chose the shared room instead. I’m sure either room I would’ve chose she would’ve felt the same way about the situation. They told me it would be best if I stayed away for a week and let her acclimate and get to know everyone, the caregivers etc. It has a large fenced in backyard and the dog is allowed to roam free. Last night was my first night in the house without mom, I did not have guilt feelings because I know she needs closer watch then I can give even though I am retired. But I had feelings of compassion thinking how she must be feeling missing her home missing the comfort of her bed it just broke my heart.

I go back to see her in a week .... and I have such a sense of dread, for when I went to hug her goodbye she pulled back from me and turned her head away and refused anything to do with me. That is hard to walk into. I’m sure she will feel about the same when I go back to see her. I ordered her a 3 inch thick foam piece to put on top of her bed that was a long twin but it did crank up but was not the most comfortable bed I’ve ever sat on by far. So I immediately ordered a 3 inch foam piece to put on top for her it should arrive there in a day or two. I have so many mixed emotions I know I did the right thing yet I’m hurting in my heart for her 💔

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I am so sorry. I know how you’re feeling as I had to move my mom from assisted living to memory care this week. I did what you did regarding a smaller home. My mom’s “home” has 40 residents and has been in operation for 30 years. They have the kinks worked out and that was my top priority for her; she can’t go through another move. This latest change has sent my mom into a fast decline. I’m hoping she will pull out of it. It’s only been a few days.

I have never been so sad in my entire life. Seeing my mom decline is like watching her slowly disappear a bit more each day. I have finally accepted I need to get counseling as it is clear I’m becoming increasingly depressed. Alzheimer’s was my mom’s worst fear and now she has it. She is almost 93 and so precious. I visit every day but vascilate between looking forward to seeing her and dreading seeing her (because of the decline.) My best friend’s mom is in the same facility but my mom doesn’t want to socialize with anyone because she doesn’t want to “do anything wrong.” Heartbreaking.

I know you and I have done the right thing for our mom’s but that doesn’t make it any easier. Now I know why people write songs about how much love hurts. The pain of watching someone you love fall down the stairs of dementia is heartbreaking amd there is nothing we can do to change the course.

We need to find a way to be grateful for the time we have with them. God doesn’t make mistakes so I am guessing this is a life lesson for us, the caregivers. God Bless and may you find peace and strength for your journey.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to Laurakc

Skywatchr2: I know how you feel. My mother had to go into a nursing home at age 98.2 after a fall, fractured hip and surgery. It was not an easy transition. She did not want to be there, she was constantly packing her things to go home. That was almost two years ago. Although occasionally she does say "I'm not going back there", she has acclimated fairly well. She is now 100 years old.

That being said, although it's easier to visit her when she's not complaining about her life, her living arrangements and the food, it still hurts my heart to see her there. I wish there was some way she could come home, but it's not feasible and the nursing home is really the best and safest place for her.

Take comfort in the fact that your mom can have her dog with her. I'm sure that will be a big help to her. You've done the right thing, no matter how difficult it is.

Good luck.
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Reply to janeyd54

You have filled the ONLY criteria that I established when my Husband was diagnosed with Dementia. I said I would keep him home as long as it was safe. Safe for him and safe for me.
I had no idea what was in store. I had heard stories about people that got mean, violent and at his size, weight and strength I would not have been safe if he changed from the kind sweet person I had known and loved for over 30 years. If he had begun wandering and I could not have kept him safe, if he had been a fall risk, he would not have been safe at home. Luckily he was able to stay at home.
But it sounds like your Mom will be safer in this group home. Have you discussed with them how they will handle the fall risk problems? Her not wanting to use a walker will not change, the cane will be of little use as the dementia progresses.

Side note about the foam topper on the mattress. Depending on the type and how it stays on the bed it can be a problem and they are hard to clean when urine or fecal matter gets on them. If possible see if you can get an airflow mattress. It is possible that Medicare will cover it. If your Mom is Hospice eligible Hospice may provide it as well. (Hospice provided this type of bed for my Husband)
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Reply to Grandma1954

Look at it this way, she is like a child now. When they don't get their own way, they pout. You are now the parent. You be firm but loving. She can no longer reason so she can't see it your way. They all want to go home. That could be where they lived as a child. You did the right thing. We can't do it all or alone. You need a life too. So please start enjoying it. Mom is safe.
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Reply to JoAnn29

Every day I pray for the strength to make good decisions on my moms behalf. You did that today. Awesome! She’s so lucky to have been able to bring her pup! Wow. If her roommate is a good match don’t worry about the shared room. I also thought Mom would prefer a private room at the NH but found that they were reserved for residents who really have issues. When I told her she was going to have a nice lady for a roommate she said “in the same bed?” HA. When I assured her no, just the same room, she was relieved and it’s gone well and the roommate is a blessing to her. It would be hard to wait a week to visit, but I’m sure they wouldn’t mind a phone call to the nursing station to check on her. The worst thing would have been another fall and hospital. I hope you can eventually get her to understand that. If she is a fall risk, however, make sure that they have a proactive fall mitigation plan for her to reduce the chance. And also to minimize the injury WHEN she falls again. We have a 7 step procedure and mom still manages to roll out of bed.
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Reply to rocketjcat

Reading your post, I was thinking, wow, where did she find this great place for her mom. She got to keep the dog!!! It is clear that you made a great deal of effort to find the best place for her. I think it is normal for her to be upset about the situation. Did you have children? You take them to school for the first time and they act like you just dropped them off in the middle of the jungle. You say that you are sure she will still be angry when you go back after a week. You do not know that. Go there with a positive attitude and a little gift for her. Pretend like none of that anger and sadness ever happened. I hope she has settled in and forgotten her initial anger. You also have feelings. When you returned to the house alone, you must have had some amount of sadness, loneliness and grief. You did the right thing. Say it out loud to your self. "I did the right thing." If I could pick someone to take care of me, you would be at the top of the list.
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Reply to Toadhall

Of course you have empathy for your mother. Of course this is extremely difficult for you and for her.
This is so normal, after all, we have feelings too.
My Dad was angry, threatening to get a lawyer, to walk out, to call a taxi.
I just kept telling him that I loved him, I was his daughter and I was on his side.
He did not agree that he had dementia, but he was OK with his heart problems. So we emphasized he needed to be where professionals could monitor his responses to medications.
He has morphed that into a story about how he has special problems and he is under special care until Christmas.
One day at a time.
It took Dad, aged 90, several months to begin to let us bring him personal items from his apartment.
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Reply to PrairieLake

I know it must be so hard. But, it sounds like you are at peace with the decision. Really, it's something that will help her, though she can't see it. Try to stay positive and relax some, now that you can take a little time for yourself.

I hope everything works at the long term care home. She will grow accustomed to it, so, I would try not to let her distract you. Her judgment is poor and that is why she doesn't understand why it's needed. After some time in the MC, my LO thought that it had always been her apt and was fine with it.
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Reply to Sunnygirl1

I ended up being glad that my LO had a shared room too. She liked the company and besides that, she wasn't in the room that often. She was normally in the tv room, dining room, or rolling herself around in her wheelchair. I suppose it depends on the degree of progression, but, she really liked her roommates.
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Reply to Sunnygirl1

My Mother kept falling at home, so we had to find a safe place for her. She adjusted in time, and it hurts me to this day. But it was the on;y thing we could do.
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Reply to Isabelsdaughter

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