So, I’m the one you hate. What can I do to change how you feel about people like me?

I'm not sure I understand your position - do you truly want to help or are you just trying to justify why you haven't? If you do want to help here are some ideas-

-Offer respite. Go (or have you husband go) and take over the cares for a week every few months. I guarantee the caregivers are exhausted and would welcome the luxury of a few good nights sleep.

-Find out what you can do from a distance. Have groceries delivered to the house. Set up and pay for a cleaning service once a week. Offer to make phone calls to insurance companies/doctors offices/pharmacies.  If PIL still in their house they may be in need of home repairs that have fallen by the wayside because of their illnesses - call the fence guy, have the lawn mowed or the house power washed.

-Show some compassion. Even with the best laid financial/physical plans many elderly people still need help in areas they didn't anticipate. Mobility issues, inability to drive, failing vision/hearing, memory problems...can you honestly say you've considered every possibility as you've planned for your own retirement?

Above all else remember this - when a caregiver is overwhelmed modest amounts of help can go a very long way. It's really not that hard.

Anonymous83246:

Because you live out of state, you can not divine what type of help is needed.

The people living closest need to communicate their needs to you.

There expectations of the type of help you an offer should be realistic, too.

Your husband would certainly be foolish to quit his job and destroy his family's welfare.

Any mildly educated person will have no difficulty realizing that having your husband quit his job would be an insane action, and it would be thoughtless to expect anyone to do that.

When you offer suggestions to the caregiver in your family, the caregiver in charge needs to listen and consider them......each and every one. They should not be making the decisions unilaterally.

If these people want you involved they need to give you decision making responsibilities.

To many caregivers I work with, expect their family members to read their minds.

Too many caregivers also make assumptions rather than asking for clarification from other family members. They also too often want to take total control, yet they still want to complain that no one helps.

Here is the thing, if a caregiver is taking on the responsibility of caregiving knowing that their other family members are not in a position to help, and if they are truly doing the caregiving because they feel it is the right thing to do.......Then they need to be doing it without complaint, if they want to be taken seriously.

A decent human being, who lives close to the needy parent would realize that a family member living miles away is not in a position to offer too much help. Emotional support, perhaps, not much else.

No one with even half a brain would expect a brother with children to travel across the country, if his work situation does not allow it, or worse quit a job to help out. Not everyone can take time off from work without getting fired. Some people are day workers and paid by the day or the hour....no vacation included.

One problem is that as Digustedtoo mentioned, there are people who are presenting themselves as the selfless caregiver hero, when perhaps the reality is that there is something in it for the caregiver.

For example, some claim they have given up their job but they are living with the needy parent rent free. Some are the POA or share the joint bank account with the needy parent but have never given the brother an accounting of the funds available to the parent. Some do not want to spend down the parents assets to put them in a facility because they do not want to lose their inheritance.

Medicare pays for CNA and therefore caregiving need not be a full time job.

If someone wants to make it there full time job, then that is their unilateral choice.

If they made that choice, whether it was to keep an inheritance intact or out of adoration for the parent, then they have no right to complain.

If they are living in the needy parents home rent free, they should bear the brunt of the responsibility for care without complaint.

If a caregiver adores their parent, then taking care of her should be a privilege not a burden.

That caregiver should also realize that perhaps their siblings had a very different relationship with the parent. There are a lot of dysfunctional parents out there.

Some target only some of their children for abuse, while showering others with undue love an affection.

Lastly, as "DisgustedToo" wrote in her August 24th posting: "Can the brother not take a job to have income? Does his wife work? Perhaps if the PIL need a lot pf help during the day, he could take a night job?"

Those are all good questions to ask.

Well, I don't think you can fake emotions you don't honestly feel. If your conscience isn't bothering you and it's duty calling you then help in that way if you can.

I remember thinking when I was taking care of my Mom before she died, don't phone me up and ask me what should I do? Think about the situation. What do you think needs being done and then just do it. If I'd already done it, then move on to the next thing. When I saw Mom's needs I didn't phone everyone in the family up and say "should I do this?" I just did it cause it needed to be done.

I remember my brother phoning me up one evening saying "I just saw Mom, and she doesn't look so good" It was obvious to me that he was waiting for me to say, Oh don't worry, I'll take care of it. If you saw a person laying on the side of the road who looked like they needed help what would you do. Go up to the first person you see and get them to do something and then walk away whistling. No, if you are a decent human being you help, the best way you know how.

So Anonymous, if you are a somewhat educated person, think about your question for a moment. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know how to help someone if you have even half a brain.

I did what I did for my dear departed Mother cause I adored her. But even if I had not had the close relationship I had with her I would have still helped her cause that's what good people do.

I don’t hate you, but I’m really irritated with your husband. I’m a daughter in law, too. My husband and I were the ones who took care of his mother, while his brother and sister in law lived their lives. I was the outcast in my mother-in-law’s eyes. She despised me, and the feeling was mutual. However, when she got old, I took care or her out of love for my husband and was very kind to her. By the time she died, she had grown to love me and lean on me for help. I think the CHILDREN should be responsible for their parents care. My BIL couldn’t be bothered. I have zero respect for him, especially when he started communicating constantly about the estate. He eagerly got his fair share, but he had willfully ignored his mother for two years prior to her death . And he is too self focused to even realize how much he had hurt his mother by his absence.

I don't hate you.
But, what I wish from my MIA(Missing in Action) siblings and anyone for that matter. Is just to make my Mom and once my Dad smile. I and DH with the Lord's help have got everything else covered.
I only wish they would call her, send her cards or letters, visit. Just anything to make her feel loved by them and smile.
That is the ONLY thing I wish from them. I do not seek
any assistance, any of their money, any thing, just make their Mother smile and feel loved.
Something so simple and takes little effort, that is all.
She has always loved her children and family they were her life under God. So it's so sad when they run away from a Mother who sacrificed all for her family. I would do anything I possibly can for her, because she has always done the same. Sometimes it seems we just can't get over being human and caring only for our wants.
I know a lot do not understand nor believe, but when you rely on the Lord and trust Him over self or others, there is no fear of what if's. We just do. Knowing He will take care of us. If I use all my Money to care for my Mom, I have no doubt the Lord will provide what I need when it's time, he always has.
Honour is a huge thing with Him, I dare not question why, I only seek how.

I thought about this post for awhile and I realized that at one point I was the married, childless daughter living on the East Coast enjoying my life while my mother and older sister lived in Northern California where they had moved decades ago. That was nineteen years ago. My sister died suddenly (54!) and my mother asked to “come live with me” and I said “No, but we will find you a place close by us”. My husband and I are now the caregivers. My sister’s grandchildren and g grandchildren send Christmas Greetings with photos. They live blissfully in other states and countries and wait for their money filled Christmas cards from Dear Nana. My mother looks at their cards and photos, and asks “WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

What I got out of reading through ALL the posts (try it, you might learn something!), including a post Bodoki made pointed out to me by someone else, is the PILs have cancer(s), not dementia, do not want/refuse outside help, do not want to move to a facility OR in with anyone (or have them live in their home), have decent medical insurance, etc. The PIL are NOT the ones with the financial issues, BIL/family is. The negativity is coming from those in-laws, not the PILs.

Perhaps Bodoki can confirm this please (and correct any misconceptions here or below)?

While it sounds like the parents need assistance, it does not sound like a full-time job, at least not yet. BIL quit his job to "take care of them", and is now struggling with no income, on the verge of losing the home, etc. Well, how is this Bodoki's fault? Why should she/her family be dumped on because they are not bailing them out (whether or not they have the funds is NOT the question here - even if they did, this is NOT the right answer.) Are they supposed to bail him out for a really stupid (perhaps altruistic, perhaps not, we don't know WHY he did this) decision? OP's husband should quit his job to move/help out as well and put THEIR family into the same predicament?? What are some of you thinking? Two families are supposed to give up everything to care for these parents and then end up with nothing, no means to care for their own families or their own future needs? 
 
Bodoki, I believe, truly feels for them, but it is NOT their responsibility to bail them out. I could feel bad for a sibling who did this, and provide some assistance, etc, to a point. As a matter of fact I did try helping my son out when he LOST his job and had to take a lower paying job, but eventually had to stop and say if I continue this we will BOTH end up homeless!! HOW DOES THAT HELP ANYONE? BTW, he DID end up losing the house. So I guess that makes ME an OGRE too!!! I am ogre, hear me roar!

So Bodoki posted questions about what she/they can do to provide help and what she could do to alleviate the guilt trips being laid on them. Moving, quitting job, etc is really not the right thing for them to do. She HAS spent time there with the PIL, helping out, and though it was appreciated, she was not really welcome in the home. Can the brother not take a job to have income? Does his wife work? Perhaps if the PIL need a lot pf help during the day, he could take a night job? Work around it. If you willy-nilly give up your job with NO plan, then you should expect consequences. Perhaps they thought this was a short-term issue. Did they try the family leave first, then find themselves in a situation that could drag on for years? WHOSE FAULT IS THAT? You should not be dumping on Bodoki because the she/they chose not to make the same stupid decisions. If the parents have sufficient income and refuse in-home care or a facility, then THEY should be paying reasonable wages to BIL for his time, but DOCUMENT IT LEGALLY to avoid any future issues with Medicaid should it be needed.

BTW, I repeat again to all who say something along the lines of 'put them in a home' - they are NOT, to the best of my knowledge, incompetent, therefore you CANNOT do this. THEY have to make that decision and they have already, I believe, stated they don't want to move.

Given that many siblings and in-laws are useless, no-shows (until it is time for any inheritance) and often are combative, deceptive, destructive, divisive and do everything they can to make the job of the care-givers more difficult, then this SIL should be viewed as a helping angel. She WANTS ideas on how to help (without giving up the farm, so to speak.) She has asked for advice, not criticism. If you have nothing positive or helpful to provide to this discussion, then don't post anything.

Bodoki - please take away any good advice given to you and decide how you can best help. Ignore the rest.

Perhaps some are venting their own anger at unhelpful, unresponsive family. Whatever their reason is for lambasting you, it should not be posted here. This forum is for HELPING others, not for passing judgement. Clearly Bodoki is already receiving that from her BIL and/or family.

I might add also that every one of her responses has been thankful and gracious, even to some posts that were not the most forgiving. Perhaps some of you could take a few pointers from Bodoki...

It doesn’t sound to me like you’re sorry at all. You’ve set up your life so that it’s untouched by the situation, despite the fact that it sounds like your husband wants to help in some way. News flash- even people who plan for retirement and future medical needs run out of money. That’s why family ends up caring for them.

Get off your high horse and ask your in-laws, genuinely, what they want and need. Then listen to them and do it.

Karsten wrote: ( " But since one brother lives out of state, another brother has a hellish situation with a hellish wife, and I am not working nor need to work, I am the one who ended up taking care of everything.

Again, looking back, I would not trade that for the world, to have been the one to take care of my dad in his final months. It was difficult from a time and energy point of view, and although my dad was easy, my mom was nuts. But I will always treasure the fact I was the one able to provide care and comfort to my dad in his final weeks on this earth." )

Karsten:

What an excellent reply. Kudos to you.

You are caregiving for all the right reasons and you have realistic expectations from your other family members.

You are caregiving out of love, not in expectation of an emotional or financial reward of any type. It also seems that you enjoy caregiving. I am appalled at all the complaints I see daily on this forum

You also have empathy for their financial and work situations.

I can only imagine how harmful it may be to an ill family member to feel resentment flowing off of the caregiver daily.

Caregiving is a tough job. It should not be taken on accept out of love.

I took on caregiving for my Grandfather as well as an elderly friends who was fearful of her own children because of feelings of resentment from some of them. As well as the infighting, she witnessed among her children.

I did not in my granfather's case expect others to help. I also do not expect my elder friends children to help.

I volunteered as the caregiver. I am doing it out of love and concern. I am glad if other visit and offer help, but I do not expect it.

Sending hugs.

thought about this a bit more. I neither hate nor envy the writer. A disclaimer: she is an in law, my situation was not as long, and my situation was in the past. Easier to look a situation fondly when its over.

But since one brother lives out of state, another brother has a hellish situation with a hellish wife, and I am not working nor need to work, I am the one who ended up taking care of everything.

Again, looking back, I would not trade that for the world, to have been the one to take care of my dad in his final months. It was difficult from a time and energy point of view, and although my dad was easy, my mom was nuts. But I will always treasure the fact I was the one able to provide care and comfort to my dad in his final weeks on this earth.

I dont hate you either, I envy you. I wish I could get away with just a phone call 2-3 times a week, send a card once a month, send something special for the caregiver, cover a day a week of housekeeping if not caregiving. Maybe I'd ask if they need a gardener? My Netflix password, Amazon video password? I could send mom a magazine subscription, I could order them uber eats once a month. I could let the caregiver know that whatever she/he thinks is best as long as it's not abusive in any way won't be questioned by me now or after PIL are gone. I could do any of those things in an hour & continue the rest of my life at my leisure & direction instead of the reality of 24/7 caregiving. I'm glad you asked, I wish any of my siblings thought to ask even if they didn't follow through.

I think it is important to remind yourself that these parents did not plan for their own elder care.

That in itself is a selfish trait.

It is important to remember that it would be insane to have your husband quit his job to tend to his elder out of state parents. He has his own family to worry about, financially. As well as his own and your elder care in the future.

Do you want to burden your own children with your care? As his parents did. It is not that difficult to plan.

It is important to remember that these people who live close have chosen to be caregivers.

They can most likely put the elder person in a facility, but they likely do not want to spend their inheritance to do so.

Meanwhile, they act like selfless heroes.

Call "A place for Mom". They will tell you how to use your parent-in-laws own money and benefits to care for them.

Your relatives, the ones who want her money, will likely be even more hateful of you.

Financial elder abuse is a growing concern, and when a family member does not want to use the elder's asset for a good care facility that is considered elder financial abuse.

@Rosses003
Yes, so true I'm glad you are finding your way. Perspective is a powerful thing. I'm working on it day by day. I know my anger and bitterness only affects me and no one else. I'm working towards peace of mind and soul regardless of others but it is not an easy task. It doesn't help that my job has been extremely stressful for a long time as well. I get zero breathing room. My own life is still falling through the cracks while I deal with the executor duties now. They say relax, don't worry, you have time... But what they're not hearing is that it is such a weight on my emotional well-being and in turn, my overall health that I need it to be done so I can move forward. I can barely look towards tomorrow, next week, or next month with any certainty or confidence or even hope with the task of dealing with mum's things, while living in the same house, hanging over my head. They were just here today and the talk was of buying another property. A good investment they said. I haven't even closed the estate yet and the subtle pushing to sell has begun. Just trying to include you they said. Untrue. No discussion with me of where or what or when. Just wanting me to get on board with what they have already decided on on for themselves. I said that if they were asking me today the answer would be no. I got quite the stink eye for that response. I can't be honest about how I feel as there are two of them and one of me. I am outnumbered . Do they think I can't see them roll their eyes at each other after I say something or do something? I don't want to use the word selfish because that's not really the case but I think self-absorbed might be appropriate. I've heard them both speak about the exact same things I'm thinking and feeling in other scenarios involving them but somehow the same considerations do not apply to me. I actually had a breakdown today while they were here. It was overwhelming and I couldn't breathe. But I have these moments in private because if I stand up for myself and disagree it becomes an argument and naturally I'm wrong. If I raise my voice because I'm being talked over and not allowed to finish my sentence I'm being an asshole. If I try to explain my desperation or break down and cry then I'm just a drama queen. If I try to hold it together, stay quiet and leave the room, I'm rude. I know I can't win but I don't want to win anyting. I want to be heard. I want to be cared about. I was very close with one of the siblings. She was my sister and my best friend. Out of the blue I lost that and I'm left standing here wondering WTF happened? These two sisters did not have a strong relationship growing up and have not spoken to each other for over 20 years. Now they are almost inseparable and I have been voted off the island. I think they have a lot in common and relate much better now so naturally they would Bond. I just don't understand why that has to push me out into the cold. I felt important when I was taking care of Mom and now I feel like dirt. It may not sound like it but I'm trying my best not to obsess about things I cannot change. To look Within Myself for the answers and the power to shape my own future but damn it I'm just not finding the strength to deal with the hurt, sadness, and pain right now. One day I'll get there it's just not today.

Hate? No...envy? Yes. I envy you. I envy the members of my family that actually have lives. I do also get mad at them for not visiting my mom more. I'm the one left holding the bag and that has to answer "where is so and so?" all the time. If you can't visit, send cards, CALL, keep yourself alive in their memory. I used to kill myself trying to keep family members alive in my mom's mind. She has vascular dementia and if she doesn't interact with someone on a regular basis, they do tend to fade. One day I realized if it was important to those family members to be present in her mind then they would make the effort to visit her. I freed myself from that obligation. Not my problem. Having said that, I still do have to answer questions when people pop unexpectedly into her mind.

As to the fact that this is a cargivers' forum and you are not a caregiver, I applaud you for actually taking the initiative to ask what you can do. To me, you are welcome here. I wish more family members would visit here and see what our lives have become. I wish my family would offer to help and actually mean it....actually do it. Saying I wish I could help or let me know if you need help is not enough. Just wade in and do something. Even to give a much needed break.

I'm lucky in that my mom is fairly high functioning, but that is starting to dwindle. I work full time and when I'm slammed at work, like now, and then have more and more to do for her I find myself flailing. It is hard to juggle everything and keep all the plates spinning.

Mojorox: "Could they take a moment and send her an actual Christmas card or birthday card happy Mother's Day and mail it?"

My mother loves getting cards. She proudly displays them on her table. I've noticed that for her birthday, Mother's Day, and Christmas two of my brothers send cards. Sonny-No-Show never does. One of my SILs was visiting one time when the cards were displayed, and she asked my mother, "Where's ___'s card?" "Oh, he's just too busy," was my mother's reply.

This is the same brother who didn't bother to visit my parents for FIVE YEARS. And he was only a few states away, within driving distance! And now he hasn't been here for more than a year and a half. Another brother offered to bring him down with him, and he said he'd "look into it," but then never got back to the brother who'd offered the ride.

And yet this brother is the golden child (funny, he wasn't when he was growing up; that honor went to my youngest brother). My mother had ordered me to do some unnecessary online research one time, and I suggested that Sonny-No-Show could do it. She immediately went into her crying/shaking/blaming and shaming routine, telling me HIS time was worth much more than MINE. And other insults.

My mother turned 92 earlier this month. In past years, we would take her and my oldest son (whose birthday is three days earlier) out for lunch or dinner. We don't do that anymore, because she's insufferable and can out of the blue insult my oldest son. While I usually give her something for Mother's Day (flowers or cookies I bake), this year I just gave her a card for both Mother's Day and her birthday. It's the least I can do (pun intended).

It also broke my heart that few family members would make time just to visit. She would just light up when someone came over just to see her. I kept asking people to come over for card night. Oh yes!, they said....but never happened. I learned to never mention these things to mom beforehand so she wouldn't be disappointed. I reminded people that mom was not going to be here forever...now is the time. Yes!, you're right, they said....nothing. mom loved to get mail but with email and Facebook etc the mail dwindled. Mom didn't like to use the computer so I emailed all the family members and asked if they could drop her a line now and again. Buy a few cheap postcards write I love you Grandma, pop a stamp on it and put it in the mail. Could they take a moment and send her an actual Christmas card or birthday card happy Mother's Day and mail it? One niece no matter where she was would take the time and make a card or write a letter. One . It made mom so happy. I found these cards and letters after mom had passed and I was truly touched how such a small thing made such a big difference to my mom. I made a point of telling that niece what a beautiful thing she had done. I let my sister who lives abroad know that anytime she wanted to video chat with Mom to let me know and I would make the time. Nothing came out of that either.

Again I'll say, time is priceless. If you don't have the time to help me please find the time to visit your Elder and make them feel special. There was no way I was going to let Mom exit feeling forgotten or unloved. I tried to do everything I could think of to make up for the slack of others. And although it felt like chewing on sandpaper I always covered for their lack of attention.

This must this must be my fourth post on this thread. I keep coming back to it again and again. Probably because I cannot express these things at this time to my own siblings without it causing confrontation and I obviously have things to get off my chest. So thank you for asking the question. It seems you have put thought into the situation and have concerns about what you should or should not be doing. This is already much more then the usual lip service given by family members or the obligatory "make sure you take care of yourself " as they're walking out the door.

Being being a part of the caregiver process does require some sacrifice. Most caregivers do not expect others to sacrifice everything. A little can go a long way. Take every second vacation to visit and help with or without grandchildren. Make a couple extra visit with the kids so the grandparents can enjoy them before it's too late. Go without the husband or vice versa if together is not feasible. Be flexible and creative and try to work things in without denying yourself, your family, or your happiness. I've always said that if someone wants to do something they will find a way to make it happen no matter what. It's only the things that people don't want to do that seem impossible to make happen. Caregivers don't want your life to be miserable. You matter too. But so do I. More often than not, instead of everyone participating a little it's all or Nothing. All of our time and energy and money and nothing from others. For whatever reason, intentional or unintentional, lack of communication or misunderstandings, selfishness or obliviousness the All or Nothing is more then just unfair, it's hurtful. And for me, it's the hurt that drives all the negativity and anger I feel.

Whew...you know, I do feel a little lighter now.

Hugs to all you caregivers out there. You are a group of special and amazing people. Don't ever forget that. 💛

Not having read all the comments, these are points that caught my attention and questions that came to mind:

Are your husband and you on the same page? Meaning, is he also going to see them only once or twice a year or is he going more frequently by himself, and is he truthfully ok with that?

Are your PIL being taken care of somehow (Nursing facility, another relative that is nearby) or are they completely by themselves? Whichever the answer is, are they and your husband ok with the situation?

As a reminder and side comment, although I understand what you mean, not all elders are guilty of not planning properly for their late years. Not everyone has the possibility to plan ahead and also, many times life simply happens. We all have faced that reality one way or another at any age.

My questions have to do with the fact that guilt is a terrible enemy for present and future peace of mind, and if your husband is not honestly and fully on board with the way the situation is being handled he will very likely struggle with guilt and with many ‘should have’s’ that may hunt him and your relationship in the future. Just keep that in mind and evaluate if there is something else or something different that you could do, FOR HIM, and not because you feel you are -using your own words- “the one that people hate”, but simply and completely, out of love.

I’ve been away from the forum for a bit and just catching up. Bodoki, thank you for your question and thoughts. I have relatives that are no help with my dad so I know what that’s like. I don’t spend precious time and energy resenting them as I finally figured out it doesn’t change them and only makes me bitter. I also have in laws that I know I won’t be an active caregiver for. We have a cordial enough relationship but they have never tried to have any real relationship with me or my children, don’t like my housekeeping (which is just fine, but not their level of obsessive) and wouldn’t be happy with care from me. So I see the different sides. Merely by asking though, you show your concern and care and that’s something to be admired. Send what relief you can, be it grocery delivery or a housekeeper or whatever fits the situation. Visit and help in small doses if that’s doable. And be a good wife and mom, your family having your support is the greatest gift we have to give

Continuation...
Whatever it is that you are able to do or whatever it is you have to offer would be a blessing. If the caregiver is not immediately accepting don't stop offering. Our heads are no longer screwed on straight and it can take us time to process an offer of help and see where it would best be applied.

For me personally, I needed to be considered a priority. Not all the time and certainly not before work or children. And not to the extent that it would cause harm for hardship to the family member. But to come before going to the beach, visiting friends, out having a good time... I've given up all those things and I would have so appreciated if everyone else could have given up just a little bit. If we had all worked together it would not have been a hardship for them and they could return to their regular life without worry. I truly was shocked and do not understand how Mom and myself became so unimportant and our Health and Welfare meant nothing.

The gift of time is priceless. Caregivers need and deserve a break but we never get one. My local sister came and stayed to help shortly before mom's passing which was great but I was still conferred with on every move. If they had never done a certain task before it was always I'll let you do it. This does not help me. I figured it out so can you.

Listen to the caregiver and take them seriously. Even if what they may be asking for doesn't quite make sense to you it's what they need. I certainly didn't want to have to explain my every thought process behind my request to everyone all the time. Please just help me with things I need help with. I'm asking for a reason. My northern sister asked me to leave her a list of things I needed to be done. So I wrote a simple condensed list of things that were easy for her to do with the top two marked as important. When I got home from work she was ripping weeds out from a section of the garden ??? This was not on the list. How does this help me with mother? I know I mentioned the Garden in passing weeks before but this is the end of the season. It was a sunny day and my sister wanted to be outside so she chose to do this instead of what I asked for . This does not help me. The list I wrote out fell back onto my shoulders. She was offended that I was not grateful.

Say say what you mean and mean what you say. Stop telling me you're going to come over when you're not. Stop telling me you'll deal with x when you don't. Stop making me empty promises. Just stop. I need to plan ahead. I make decisions around what someone has said they'll do. When you don't follow through on your word you have no idea how much that screws me up. And it's just another disappointment and heartbreak for me. Believe me when I say I am already an emotional mess. That is something I definitely don't need help with.

There there will be times where you are unable to assist in the manner that I require. I get that. But there are other little considerations that could be done. And providing emotional support. Don't feel guilty on your own and then deal with that by ignoring us. Stop treating me like I don't exist. Stop acting like I don't matter. Stop making your life more important then mine.

I would have loved gift certificates for a massage OMG. A manicure or pedicure. Something that I needed for myself that was being neglected. Something that helps stress. Treat me like a real person who has valid thoughts and hurt feelings, who is tired beyond belief. Give me the benefit of the doubt when I fly off the handle. I'm not crazy, I'm just at the end of my rope. I'm not an asshole, I'm just trying to be heard when nothing else has worked. Please don't Let Me Drown.

I truly believed my sisters would be there if I really needed them. I was wrong. I feel like I've been kicked when I'm down and that is why I'm angry and bitter. I feel as though no good deed goes unpunished.

Siblings not being able to help due to living afar or because of work or was not an issue for me. I felt they would do what they were able if I needed them.

One sister lives in Japan. So completely understandable she's not able to help in the more traditional ways. Not a problem. The issue I ended up having with her was on her last visit she really didn't spend time with Mom but instead decided to sort through her storage from the attic which was not in anyone's way try to have a yard sale and ran out of time so everything was left in my lap to clean up. I still have to rebox her things and move them back to the attic. Thank you for the extra work. Just what I needed. Also, she never checked in with me how's Mom? how are you? do you need anything?can I do anything ?nothing. There's this cracker that they have in Japan that I absolutely love. A little thing like her sending me some of those crackers to say hi or thanks or have a good day would have meant a huge deal to me, but alas, I received no gifts, or treats, phone calls, letters Etc. No emotional support whatsoever.
It was It was like I didn't exist at all.

Another sister lives up north about a 12 to 14 hour drive away. She doesn't have an outside job as her husband works and her children are grown residing locally but I never expected her to drop whatever she was doing and come down on a moment's notice but She would come down quite often and stay with Mom as her doctor is located here as well as some friends. The trips were never about the visit or help. She needed somewhere to stay while doing what she needed to do and while visiting friends. At first this is not a big deal when Mom did not need very much assistance. But when more help was required nothing changed. It was like we were a hotel. She had even stayed for 8 months for personal reasons and it was like pulling teeth to get her to help out with her own mother. I began to see patterns in her behavior while she was here. Lots of agreement to helping lots of promises but no follow-through. A lot of take and no give. Every time I needed her she seemed to disappear. After I had repeatedly explained how desperate I have become she feigned understanding while still leaving everything up to me and I work full time. It was a lot of empty promises, lies, and excuses. She could drop everything and help someone she just met even though it made my job for more difficult. I wasn't even a consideration. It was like I didn't exist at all.

My third sister lives locally and it was she who looked out for Mom prior to me moving in. Mom didn't require the same type of assistance but she did house renovations, errands, yard work, that with all my mom's phone calls, appointment and what not while working full-time. So I felt that this sister earned herself a break. I didn't want her to have to worried about Mom for a while because she had put in the effort already. I asked that she be my go-to person or second in command. At first this was fine however we are now at the point where she says she'll come over next week, next week, next week but never does. She will agree when I ask her to help me with task X but when the time comes she is left town. As close as we once were it seems I no longer exist.

It was okay that they weren't helping equally or that I was doing most of the work. My problem is their behavior. I began asking for help early 2015. I'm still waiting. I began 2 really start falling apart beginning of 2016. Yep still waiting. The winter of 2017 brought promises of help but at the first moment of free time my local sister went up to help my northern sister instead, without letting me know, while I had no heat and rats had moved into my kitchen. Big rats. Of course this seem to be of no importance to anyone but myself. Silly me! The fact that no one cared about us even though I had made it very clear help was needed was a crushing blow and made my situation incredibly worse. To be continued...

Anniepeepie says "actually, my thought went something like this:
Isn't this a Caregivers forum?"

Yup. My thoughts are we are here to support and give some advice to those who are seeking it, even if it is just a shoulder to cry on, or how to help from a distance.

There are so many who post anger about family members who are absent. Absent = those who do NOTHING to help and/or criticize the one providing the care. It has nothing to do with where one lives or how far they are from those needing help. Not everyone can relocate, especially when they have younger children to be concerned with, so if their jobs/homes are located too far from the one needing care, any support has to be done from a distance.

In this case, I see a woman who WANTS to help and is looking for suggestions on how best to provide it. Initially that was all we were told, but her later responses adds more perspective.

I would LOVE to have Bodoki as a SIL - I would GLADLY take anything she could do to alleviate my situation, even if it was just to have someone I could vent MY frustrations to! One of my brothers often takes weeks before he responds to requests or questions. The other burned the bridge during his last visit by throwing me to the ground, twice! I am *DONE* with him (he is one who has also made some poor decisions in life and is paying for that now! Not as bad as losing his house, but nothing to show for years of working and continues to work now, even though he is 66 - not all choice in his case.)

Hi Marcia. No one is saying that a primary care taker is telling siblings or others to stay out if it. Not at all. But its best for all family members long distance or not to be sensitive to the truths about the work involved in keeping their loved ones alive. Even if home health aides are assigned, the caregiver still must oversee them due to negligence and safety. It's very complex. Taking time to respect, understand & gain knowledge of what the caregiver is going thru and asking them directly what they need is the most helpful. Thanks.

My apologies for being so harsh Bodoki. As others have stated this is a very very sensitive issue. However you came across very boldly in your statements. Its illogical to me why long distance relatives ask the caregivers how can they help, and they are not willing to live close by so they can help. The only excuse I could see would be illness which would not permit travel. My aunt lives in another state and sends s couple of dollars when she can. We appreciate it. But my mother has reservations because my aunt sold the house years back. Took years for forgiveness to kick in. Now she wants me to keep her posted about everything going on. I don't feel I have to. However she is trying to be supportive and gives advice when she can. She I'd also taking care of her husband, however they lived by us for years then moved to another state w/o telling us. Hurtful.

Bodoki,
My brother has lived in another state since he graduated from college and worked for the same company for almost 30 years.  He HAS TO WORK to support his wife (who can no longer work d/t breast cancer).  I have no problem with him having to work and I understand that his ability to visit his mother and myself is limited by his job and the current project he is working on.  It is WHAT he does (or does not do) when he visits that upsets me. 
Both of his children graduated from college and got married recently.

Over the past 30 years, my brother & his family have rarely visited my parents to "HELP" them and they usually were only able to visit at Christmas or for a "long weekend" (due to my brother's job which my parents and I completely understand and supported).   They came to "VISIT" and "TO HAVE FUN & A VACATION". 

Unfortunately that still holds true today.  They come to visit Mom at the nursing home and have a meal with her at the nursing home and a meal with me at a restaurant and then they drive home 5- 8 hours to another state. 

(I have had to ask them to stay at a motel and not at our house as it is too stressful to "entertain and feed" them each time they visit.  They are NOT too happy about having to spend money on motels when they can sleep at the house--IF I sleep in the basement's regular size bed instead of my own queen size bed in my bedroom.)

Do they offer to help go through the family belongings in order to decide if either of their children want any of their ancestors' "junk"?  (I am single with no children.)  NO.  When they come to VISIT (that is why they come--"TO VISIT" and not "TO HELP").  My niece even said that they will not be driving the 5 hours to visit as often as they used to since Grandma can no longer play any games or play cards (due to her Dementia).  No mention of visiting me and playing games or cards with me.  No mention of helping me take care of the yard or garden or anything.

I would love it if my brother or his family asked me if there is anything that they could do for me.  My brother did send me some flowers for my birthday.  His children (in their late 20's) sent nothing.

I am sorry that some of the responses have been harsh.  It is not easy being a caregiver, whether we "chose" to be one because we love our parents or because our parents "encouraged and pushed us into choosing to be caregivers"....or because of both reasons together.

If you go to your Profile page and activate your Messages, then some of us can send you personal messages and you can send personal messages to any of us that you want to.

"bookluvr" has offered you some great suggestions.  Other posters have also made some great suggestions (I just didn't take the time to list them all).  Take those that you can apply to your situation and do them.  Think about how the caregiver might feel before you offer your gift.  If the suggestions or comments don't apply or if they upset you, go on to the next suggestion or comment.  This is a extremely emotional and "loaded" question and topic.

I am also one of those haters resentful that I got stuck with the care, feeding etc for an ungrateful father in law .
His own daughter had about 15 years of excuses why she or her family could not do a day of their share of the care and expense until l it came time to settle an the estate.
My husband was the one who traveled the distance to clean up the messes from renters three different times because each time his father had rented it to losers for "such a deal "
On top of that we ended up paying the delinquent taxes that dear old dad neglected to pay because he was a big spender when it came to those he wanted to impress
HE died in our home . but when it came time for funeral no sister then but when it came to selling estate that we had maintained here comes daughter demanding she be served first even hired a lawyer . Now she calls regularly demanding to speak with her brother whom she " loves so much"
Well now seems I have vented but will the anger and resentment ever go away?

Hello Everyone!
I haven’t left the forum but I needed time to read everyone’s response. Some I commented on and others I did not. No particular reason. I understand my original post angered many but I needed to know how care givers felt about “distance relatives” in other states that can’t or chose not to relocate...

Someone mentioned there’s more to my story and there is.
For instance, I get along very well with my SIL. I’m the fun aunti and most of the funds given has gone to my SIL and her children. Meanwhile, my hubby gives to his parents. For the most part my PIL are well care for by all of her children in various ways. They have medical coverage through more than one program that is overseen by their adult children. Their home/bills are covered and they are still mobiled but with a few limitations, as expected. My PIL has no intentions moving in with their adult kids (their words) and living with them is not an option as I’ve tried 2x.

I did stay with my in laws for a couple of months and assisted them where needed. I did not cook as much since they have a particular taste I’m not accustomed too. I cleaned their home and did errands as needed; Then I got burned out mainly because my MIL isn’t the easiest to get along with (leaving out details). Overall, I wasn’t ask to do this but I did it on my own and they appreciated it.

What I’ve done from a distance is give my PIL specialized certificates for their needs (leaving out details due to privacy). I call, I text and I always talk to my hubby about what he would like for me to do.

What you may not understand is some elderlys do not like non-relatives in their home. That’s the case with my PIL when we offered to hire extra-set of hands/care to help out my BIL. 😞

Sure I travel, but I never stated in my post rather or not I visit my inlaws. I do and have.
What I won’t agree to do is neglect my financial/motherly/marital/self responsibilities.

All being said, I appreciate “Everyone’s” comment including those venting their frustrations. Lots to learn 💕 and I’ve been taking notes knowing a few corrections are needed.

Bodoki, your offer to help brings back memories of when my brother's girlfriend (late teens, early 20's?) offered to help me with my mom. Mom was sundowning and wore Depends. Brother's gf would offer to help my dad with my mom so that I can have a Saturday off. I wasn't foolish to turn her down. She learned to change my mom's pamper and to shower mom.

Talking on the phone is fine. I think I did a lot of venting. I did Try to ask my 7 siblings to contribute some money so that Dad & I can get Saturdays off. Didn't work. Not their problem. But, boy, when both parents died, they were all so fast to insist on dividing the money equally. sigh....

You're a good DIL for wanting to help. Read the comments. Take what you think you can do or handle. Skip all the comments that don't apply.

P.S... it's useless to send theater tickets as gift if the caregiver cannot find someone to watch the parents. It's like my sister-in-law calling me at 11:30am to luncheon with her family but … no one to watch both of my bedridden parents while I go out... Too last minute...

You wouldn't have a husband if it weren't for your parents birthing you into this world. Your response is selfish. No excuses for long distance families. Work it out. Relocate. Be near them. Oversee their care and make sure negligence has no place in what's left of their lives. I do it. Its hard but she's alive and well because I catch errors & follow up. Its called love. You need a life makeover.

Anyone notice that Bodoki has not been back? I think we overwhelmed here, there is so much that can be done to help even from a distance. They just do not at all realize how hard it is on the caregiver and how really easy it would be to just show they care.

The first time I ever felt like someone understood how difficult it was to provide care for mom was at the hearing aid place. I had been with mom about six months probably at that time. Her hearing aids would not work no matter what I did, what I knew to do was nothing! When the tech cleaned the wax out of the microphone, low and behold the aids worked! I then had a melt down that is was so simple, and I just did not know. That tech was an angel, I still think of her often. She sent me a $100.00 gift card for a spa a couple of weeks later. Again, I had a melt down. What a wonderful person to come into my life, when I most needed it.