So, I’m the one you hate. What can I do to change how you feel about people like me?

Hi Bodoki

In my opinion, you are not 'on the opposite side'. Just a different side. So dont beat yourself up.

I dont despise you. In truth, I think I envy your freedom of choice. I have never been able to go on 2 holidays a year. In fact it one one every 10 years (if we managed to save up a little)

Being low paid workers (and boy did we work hard) it was all we could do to keep our heads above water.
BUT we are not complaining, in fact I think we did well.
This was just to show that we could not, ever, have saved enough for our old age.

I am a carer, who is being cared for by the one I am caring for. I think of this as normal. Each of us cares for the other.
I/we would hate for our children to have to look after us. I will go into a government run 'home' before I do that.

Now you have a little of my back ground, I can offer how I see would help.

Phone regularly, let the carer rant on (even if you have heard it all so many times before.

Send flowers. Not a big bunch, just one you have selected yourselves. A special food parcel (after you have checked it they can eat what you send.
Try and arrange some respite for the carer. Some time away. You dont have to pay for a holiday for them (although that would be nice). Just find a place where the cared only can go for a week or two, and pay for that. Ask if they would like a top to bottom clean for the home. Send little vouchers for a Spa day for the carer and some one to care for the loved one while they enjoy it.

Basically, ANYTHING that you do out of love would help. :)

I am happy you have the choice to stay away and I send you smiles.
Take care of your self and yours.

Buzzy
Sorry I rambled on a bit there. lol
Just my thoughts came spilling out. :)

I don't hate you. You are the daughter-in-law, and I wouldn't expect you to be doing the hands-on care.

I'm curious -- so just who IS doing the hands-on care for your in-laws? Did that person have to give up their job to do so? Their financial future? A solid retirement? Are they being compensated? Does that person resent your husband for not helping out more?

I am in the in-town sibling, and I have three brothers. Two visit during the year (but never stay more than one or two days). One hardly ever visits. He doesn't do a thing for our elderly mother. I resent him more than the others for that.

BUT...I don't live with my mother, she doesn't live with me, and we will never live together. She needs more help, has the money to hire it, and refuses to do so. I limit my exposure to her as much as possible -- my job is to drive her places, and I do it as little as possible. (She gave me her car and still thinks *I* owe her.) I resent her expectations of me. She was am emotionally abusive and controlling mother (as she still is now). I have set strict limits on my chauffering, and she isn't happy.

If I were the one living with and taking care of my mother, I would really resent my brothers. And, quite frankly, I wouldn't do it.

How to help out? Money (especially if the in-law who is doing the caregiving isn't being compensated). If there will be an estate, insist that the caregiver(s) get more of the estate than anyone else.

Well you are here and you've been reading and educating yourself about some of the problems your inlaws and their caregivers might be facing, I think that is a great start because one of the common rants is about clueless relatives who offer unwanted and impractical advice. Don't do that. Ever.
And I second the advice to insist that those who are caregivers get financial compensation, preferable as it is given and not as part of a division of the estate because that can keep someone in the trenches far too long - if mom or pop eventually spend 5 years in a facility will anyone remember and place the same value on those previous years of sacrifice?

Send treats, as often as you can afford, things like gift cards, spa dates, mani-pedi gift cards, food parcels, robes and nighgowns/PJ's for the elders, cards and letters for the elders, flowers, put together a movie night package, with several DVD's, popcorn, candy, liquorice! Things like these that will let them all know that you are thinking of them.

Now housecleaning services would be a real Plus, or those new gormet food deliveries, where on gets to put together a really special meal! Obviously frequent phone calls to both the elders, and the Caregivers, letting them know how much you care.

There are So many options out there, but I'll bet that the elders would just Love to receive something special in the mail a couple of times a month, and its not that hard, compared to what the Caretakers are giving up.

QVC AND HSN have lovely food options that can be sent with the bill to/ship to option, especially holiday treats, wreaths, a holiday decoration, chocolate and candy options, crab cakes, Omaha Steak deliveries! Anything that would make things a bit easier for the Caregivers would be so much appreciated! I know that I would have Loved to see my husband's siblings offer up some thoughtful surprises, but never received so much as a card, during the 13 years we cared for my FIL in our home. It didn't go unnoticed either, as resentments do build up.

You are very nice to reach out, to find out what might be a real Ray of Sunshine to those in the trenches, to what can be a real drudgery at times, taking care of our elders! Thank You!

When I text you and tell you Dad has had his fourth “blow out” in an hour, he’s restless and anxious and angrily refuses to let me call 911, please don’t text me a photo of you sitting with your feet up on your fire pit/bowl with a can of beer in your hand.

I too was a hands on caregiver for 20 months. Eight of those months Mom was going to Daycare 3x a week. Big help. I placed Mom in an AL till her money ran out then a NH. Mom had Dementia and her decline was constant.

How can you help? Are they being cared for in their home by a family member? If so, it would be nice to give them a break. Go there for a week or so and do the caregiving, If in an AL, same thing. Even though Mom was in an AL I did her wash. I had to purchase Depends and any other personal needs. Mom was 5 min. up the road. I visited everyday for a short time. If family is doing this again a break would be nice. Let them take a vacation without having to worry about parents. Have ur husband call them weekly. This is what bothered me about my brothers, they never called when Mom still knew who they were. Ask if money is needed. So many caregivers are left with all the financial responsibility when there are siblings that can contribute something. And then, when parent is gone they want their share. Maybe some gift cards for food places where if they can't go, the food can be delivered.

When it comes to parents planning for their futures, I really don't think they thought they would live as long as they are. I live in a blue collar town. Most families made living wages and raised families. There was not much left over to plan for the future. My Dad was one of these people with 4 kids. At 52 he went on SSD for a bad heart. He had two open heart surgeries and diabetes. So never enough to save. The money Mom had for the AL was Dads insurance money she had put into CDs and never touched. Her house, needed work when they moved in in 1958 and there was never enough money to keep it up. I couldn't sell it. So, I will be shutting it up and the township will eventually get it for unpaid taxes.

Me, we have some money saved and some invested. Hopefully enough to get us a nice AL for a while. We own our home, so an asset there.

Why not come out and ask the caregiver? My step mom took care of my ornery dad 24/7 - he refused to let anyone come in for a break until she snapped - and then it was 2 hours 2 days a week only.

I asked - she wanted help applying for any and all county services they could qualify for. She wanted help applying for Medicaid in preparation for eventual nursing home placement. She needed regular breaks. I went there one weekend a month and she left town each weekend to visit friends, go to the casino, etc. she always came back refreshed.

Each caregiver needs something different. For people who lived locally - she through it helpful if they would bring over groceries etc.

but ask and LISTEN

Bodoki,

I'm also a DIL who lives far away. I think just the fact that you are trying to get information on how to help is excellent. It sounds like you acknowledge that someone is sacrificing to care for your husband's parents so he doesn't have to. Because they are doing it, your family has less demands on how you spend time and money. You can stay on track with your plans for the future. I think a lot of people would just like the out of town siblings to recognize the sacrifice.
The only quibble I have with your post is the breezy supposition that it was poor planning that leads to people needing help from their families. It is not. It amazes me how many people take their own financial security as something they earned and deserve on merit. It's smug. Many, many people planned properly, saved what they could and still got devastated by an illness or infirmity. If not their own, a child, spouse or parent's needs can derail the best laid plans. We don't deserve our health and wealth. It's a gift.

My husband and I are the "locals" looking after his parents needs. His only sibling and spouse live out of state. Even though both parents are now in long term care there is still a lot of involvement on our part.

What would mean a lot to me is if sibling and spouse offered us moral support via phone calls, emails, even texts! That is all I would ask for. Weekly phone calls would be appreciated as would letting us vent when we need to.

No one hates you. The fact that you are on this site shows you care. Your first priority are your children and I completely agree with you about your husband not quitting his job and spending your retirement income.

Another suggestion if you are able to do so would be to research assisted living, nursing homes, or in-house agencies for your family.

Call your elderly parent.

come out for a week now and then to give the primary caregiving kids a break. I know that means giving up vacation time that would be used for something more fun, but that is a sacrifice you can make.

I am glad you posted,, and not at all hating you! I am an only child, and my mom is starting her decline and lives with us. My cousin took both my mom and Aunt ( who we have for a week or so every few weeks) for 6 weeks this summer, and it was a godsend! I know you probably can't do 6 weeks, but when you go 1 or 2 times a year, see if you can go for a week or so, and the CG can go away somewhere for at least part of that time. It really makes a difference to get a break. If they can't afford a "real vacation"maybe you can help out with a nice hotel for a few days.. so they really get a break and recharge. And thank you for asking

Bodoki, I have thought about your question and comments, I don't think most people hate the family that's not the 24/7 boots on the ground caregiver, I'm sure some do or at least say they do. I can say that I hated being the chosen one, like my life mattered less so I could easily sacrifice everything while the others were viewed as more important. So, I'm sure they felt my pissiness about the situation, never towards them but maybe they thought it was about them. Anyways, I think that if you do small things on a regular basis, ask them what they want you to do and stay in touch, if they need daily contact include the whole family, today you, tomorrow one of the kids, then husband, then another kid, back to you, etc. Having anyone call and say they just called to say hi and I love you is HUGE, the calls need not be long, talk to mom, dad and caregiver, let them all know how much they are valued even from another state.

Get creative, send a care package that has something fun for everyone and individually, home baked bread, cookies, cards (something to post on the fridge) cute magnets to hold the stuff or create a board that can be hung up and then the little love notes can be attached. Caregiving is isolating, so knowing that someone is thinking about you and how you are doing makes it a little less lonely.

Depending on the age of your children you could include their friends and send 30 homemade cards, pictures or hand turkeys, you get the idea.

If you know the caregiver send a thank you note with some flowers and a gift card for something that means a great deal to them.

Last but not least, be emotionally available to the caregiver, let them lean on you, be understanding and compassionate, DO NOT JUDGE, even if you cringe because of what they say, remember they are only venting so they don't blow.

Thank you for wanting to help in the best way you can.

DO NOT JUDGE, DO NOT OFFER SUGGESTIONS UNLESS ASKED.

Send gift cards, greeting cards monthly just to say thank you. Let them know how much you appreciate them giving so much time and energy.

Offer respite time, definitely, give a week away while you provide the care. Yes you will have to give up one of your vacations, you can sacrifice something too. Once you do that, you will have a much better understanding of how difficult providing care is.

You're 100 steps ahead of the clueless wonders who don't help...KNOWING you aren't and asking what can be done to help are an AMAZING start.

Straight on ASK the PCG what is needed. Then as best you can, make that happen.

My SIL will routinely "gift" my mother the most useless crap--decorations for the holidays and scented candles and mother will be "thankful" but she has absolutely no room for anything in her place. "stuff" that is not usuable--such as what I mentioned, may be thoughtful, but is rarely helpful.

What she NEEDS is for someone to clear her grimy apartment,wash down the windows, powerwash the birdcage, take her to lunch...all "hands on" things.

Maybe your PCG needs money, couldn't hurt to ask. We have given YB a lot of money over the years as he has taken the burden of mothers' care on himself and pretty much refuses help. My sister offered to pay for 3 days a week in home aide--mother wanted it, brother wouldn't let strangers in.

Get to where the folks are and give the PCG a respite. (You'll come out a different person, I promise.)

I admire that you are aware that you're on the "other side" of this CG dynamic. And that you want to help.

I didn't mind doing the Lion's Share of the work but I never got a break. Ever. Even when I began to fall apart no one had time to step in so I could get away. No one wanted to give up any of their free time for their own mother and one week was too much to ask for but it was okay that I gave up all my time. 365 days a year for five years getting 4 to 5 hours of sleep a night..

It would It would have been an absolute godsend if someone had said "hey I got this. Get out of here." I would have been so grateful and would have returned somewhat renewed to carry on with the job.

I also would have felt that somebody cared about me and loved me instead of feeling alone, unloved, and invisible.

First of all ask the caregiver. I have 3 sisters and none of them live in my state where I care for dad. One lives the closest and is also POA with me. She often comes up to give me support about every 6 weeks. However...I sometimes do get resentful that everyone is living life as normal and have none of my worries even though I know that’s not their fault. I would suggest you take a week and go there to give them a week off so they can take a vacation. My sisters have pooled money together for massages for me and once gave me enough money so I could enroll in a year of yoga classes. I realize not every family will do this. But ask is the main thing!!

If you are not willing or able to provide hands-on care so the caregiver can get away for a break, how about arranging and paying for respite care? I resent the fact that I can't go on vacation while my sister-in-laws and brother-in-laws go on multiple vacations and then if they visit they refuse to watch mom so we can go away for the day. I will never forget how my brother-in-law's wife sat at the dining room table with us and my elderly in-laws some years ago and said "it's all about choices". Implying that it was too bad they didn't make the right choices to provide for their care as they aged. Some people have to work hard just to make ends meet and aren't able to set aside money for their retirement or golden years. I think it is very insensitive and selfish to make such a statement. And if you happen to be one of those people who were able to make such choices to be financially set for any future care thank God for the opportunities to have done so.

I care for my husband, who is both disabled and on hospice care, in addition to working full time/overtime, because we need the money. Not everyone has the means to save for old age! You really don't have the right to judge those whose income didn't allow for that. Our youngest daughter lives fairly close by and helps all she can, as she works full time, has two children, a house, and an AirBnB. We have neighbors, but nobody offers anything at all, despite the fact that they all know and we have been neighbors for a long time now. Don't just send gift cards for nights/weekends away; someone has to step in so that they CAN get nights/weekends away or it won't happen, so make arrangements for that. Send money. Send edible arrangements, cards with gift cards in that for grocery delivery, etc. make phone calls to let them vent their feelings, as it is a difficult and demanding job at best. Come in for a weekend, a week, or whatever you can arrange and give the CG a break to recharge their batteries. If you know them well, and know their likes/dislikes, allergies, send care packages, not just food, but gifty things that are useful and fun, not just useless trinkets, or a spa kit they can use at home for themselves to feel even a little pampered. If you know their day to day needs, try to meet some of those needs. Time away is probably THE most important need of all. Thanks for asking!

I get where you're coming from. My sister in law and brother moved out of state out of area, assoonasparents turned 89..I'm mad at them. But sil has never ever done anything with family. We believe she is selfish or mentally I'll...nothing I can do about it. Brother is her pawn. Nothing I can do about it. But the reason I'm agreeing with you, us the part about parents not planning g for their own care. My parents (father) appeared rich..lived the great life..could try clubs travel, etc, and sweet mother thought all was great financially. Well when he got sick for first time at 90, my bro (who flew in) and I realized he had no money. And had a ridiculous reverse mortgage..growing bigger and bigger each day, eating into all equity of home. My dad .Mr rich, who was prejudiced agaist those with out money, put 0 planning g into their senior needs it care. My mom had lots if health issues..she had dementia. He still pompously acted like Mr Rich. All the worries are on me.
Thats the type of people this poster is talking about. Those that could, and should have known better..didn't plan for this stage of their life

" I will never forget how my brother-in-law's wife sat at the dining room table with us and my elderly in-laws some years ago and said 'it's all about choices.' Implying that it was too bad they didn't make the right choices to provide for their care as they aged."

Choices made by different people in different areas. Sometimes on this forum when a poster is railing against siblings who do nothing, it is pointed out that those siblings didn't agree with the choice made by the caregiving sibling to keep the parent at home, and that maybe the parent DOES belong in a facility.

Just as siblings can choose to not be involved, so could the caregiver have chosen to not be involved. Some posters claim they were forced to be the 24/7 caregivers, others think their mother or father could never go to a facility, that their parent(s) deserve home care, etc. I am always wondering how these "wonderful" parents could raise only one child who wants to be the caregiver. Regardless, it's a choice, and the caregivers have chosen to encumber their lives with the elder(s) (in the huge majority of cases, that is).

Choices, choices. I am not in nearly the caregiving misery that many are in here, but even so, I resent my brothers for not being expected to be our mother's puppet/marionette chauffeur. Yes, I am the only local one, but what I most resent is my mother's expectation that my time is worthless and I "owe" her. Yet her darling boys are "so busy."

Two of my brothers express appreciation for what I do, but, quite frankly, that doesn't mean much to me. I would have liked a check -- talk is cheap, and money talks more.The other brother simply laughs when I tell him he's so lucky that my mother has bestowed sonhood sainthood on him and he does nothing at all...hardly ever even visits.

I have told them that when my mother's expectations get to be too much (and she's too nasty when I enforce boundaries), that I'm walking away. And when/if she ever goes to a facility (she should be in AL now but refuses), that I won't be the contact person, I won't be her taxi and I won't be the one she calls to complain. That is a choice I've already made.

Start by just "being there and caring" - I never asked for help from DH's kids (2 are older than me) but they didn't even care enough to ask how Dad was doing during his last 6 months. 3 children and only 1 seemed to give a damn. That is pitiful. Only 1 out of the 3 called him on Christmas. Only 1 called almost every week and heard the same things over and again because DH had lost his memory.

Just care enough to call to find out how things are going. Ask if there is anything you can do even though you are states away. Always pray for them - all of them - caregivers need prayers too. Send cards to them - something they can hold and look at all the time. Not the cheap cards - spring for a really nice card and try to send one every week if possible. Way cheaper than having to visit. And they look really nice lined up on a bureau or chest of drawers. Or a bedside table if they have one.

Have the local florist deliver an inexpensive bouquet sometime - just something so they know you remember them. Show that you care.

I always said “you can’t control what someone else thinks, says, or does... you can only change how you feel about it”....
with that said.... it’s not your fault that you live far away, but it sounds as if you want to help in some way, which is good!
i agree with other posters- “time” is number one. If there’s ANY way you could go and provide a single day, half day, or an hour of respite care... that’s more helpful than anything. Knowing that a family member is there with a loved one is a huge relief.
My SIL has not contacted me at all regarding the care of dad. She doesn’t help or offer support to my brother either. Although she works (as I do) she has no children and is free to vacation and socialize carefree. I understand that’s her choice. I just hope that when the time comes for her parents to need attention and care, she then realizes that an occasional “check in” with a primary caregiver in the midst of going from crisis to crisis is necessary.
I fully believe that what you give, you will get in return.

You are a lucky one for so many reasons you outline....so share some of that luck by you and your husband sending the caretakers some money for a few days off and offering to fly out and take their place while they rest up. Those of us who are fortunate financially should consider sharing our wealth as long as it doesn't jeopardize our families.

It is good that you are aware of this and want to know how to help. I want to share the arrangement that works for us. I have 4 siblings who all live local except for one. Four years go we all saw the need for someone to look after my parents as my moms health was declining and she could not be left alone anymore while my father went out. I volunteered to quit my part time job and work part time overseeing the care of my parents. My parents are fortunate they have the money to pay for this along with caregivers. I decided I did not want to provide the hands on care but instead manage all their affairs and the caregiver staff who I hired so I did not have to use an agency. I ask for my siblings advice/input when big decisions need to be made such as when I felt they needed to be moved into assisted living. I send them email updates regularly to let them know what is going on. I am still able to travel and get away as I leave all the info for my siblings should something arise while I am away. I have no resentment towards my siblings for not helping out as much as I do since I view this as my job. They all work full time in good jobs so I felt it was only fair if I was going to give up my paying job to help with my parents that I should be paid for it. My siblings never once have complained that I am paid for doing this as none of them wanted to step forward to do this job. I advise my friends if they take on the role as caregiver/manager for their parents to pay themselves for doing this. Or meet with their siblings and split up all the tasks and if some live out of town they can help financially so it all evens out in that all siblings are either giving hands on help or financial help. It is not fair to ever expect a sibling to take on this role and not get compensated for it. It is a job, but one I do wth love and compassion. My parents are so thankful for what I do for them which makes me feel good and they always tell me I don't know what we would do without your help. I feel so fortunate to have such loving parents and am honored to give back to them for all they did for me over the years.
I hope your family can work something out so you don't feel guilty that you are far away and not helping out as much. It is okay. I just suggest you and your husband do your fair share to make this equitable for all the siblings.

Sooo...you asked for an honest opinion...yes we resent you. Hate is a strong word but "if the shoe fits....." WARNING: more honesty and tough love to follow!

Sounds like you are not even offering phone support or keeping in touch on a regular basis. That's probably why you feel the hate directed at you. Picking up a phone is the least you can do during this crisis.

My brother has always been an azz hole of a brother. Even worse now that Mom is in her final stages he is an azz hole of a son. As an in law you could at least call as it sounds like your husband (the son right?) is in the azz hole club. Doesn't he even want to know how his parents are doing? Shame on him. There has to be a special place waiting to reward him.

If you truly want to help ask the Caregiver(your SIL right?) what she needs. As others have suggested a phone call of support & honesty (including your husbands short comings) & empathy would go a long way. It's the elephant in the room.

The general consensus here is to "show up" & go from there. Caregivers have so many balls in the air it's difficult sometimes to determine what help is needed that can be easily accomplished by someone who has not bothered to keep in touch rendering them clueless.

You need to physically be there to give the CG a break & not just an afternoon. Believe me when I say to you that YOU will NEVER regret reaching out to the CG & doing what you can. It is the HONORABLE thing to do. When your parent in law's are gone you won't feel the overwhelming pain & guilt that your husband will have to live with the rest of his life. I'm guessing he feels it already.

Be the Matriarch that I am sensing you want to be. One can hope that hubby will follow your lead and "man up." WARNING; BRUTAL HONESTY TO FOLLOW.

What if you get sick? Will hubby be there for you? I doubt my brother would even be there for his child let alone his SO. I bet he'd call me.......and I already know what my reply will be.

When you call SIL start with an apology. I am guessing all this time you were hoping ....maybe even pleading with hubby to step up. So much time has passed now you feel your call will be met with disdain. No doubt it will.....thus the apology. KEEP trying & let her do the talking......this isn't about you. It may take time to gain her trust again.

Good luck......I feel your heart is in the right place........NOW take action before it's too late.

Are you already giving SIL a lot of support ($) but still getting bad vibes from her? Or are you trying to start from zero? Do you have a good relationship with her and BIL? Or is it awkward now that the parents need help and you’re not giving it? Call and ask SIL what she really needs. If she’s still talking to you. Then do it, without whining. If you aren’t contributing financially (and you sound like you may the means) then start. Perhaps pay for an agency caregiver a few hours a week? Since you are “free to travel” make the trip, but not to be a PITA houseguest and even more burden on SIL. Actually replace her for a week or 2 so she could have the luxury you enjoy of rest and travel. It will benefit her and also give you some insight into how your life would be if your DH got sick or needed care. May be an eye opener.
Come back and give us your thoughts on what may work for you and SIL. Obviously this is rather sore subject you’ve broached and I give you props for posting. I hope we can help you and SIL, and most importantly, the elderly parents get through this.

No hating - just not feeling supported. As mentioned in so many of the earlier posts/answers offer long distance solutions. Perhaps offer to chip in for a date night care giver for respite, send a food service for the caregiver's dinner/date night, offer to cover for a 3-day weekend, and above all keep the lines of communication open.

An extra ear, a kind word, and a sincere heart helps the most.

I'm the furthest (3 hours) sibling from my parents (1 in memory care, 1 in AL) and have difficulties getting there very often, but have found a LOT to do long distance. There is plenty of communication needed: keeping in touch with them, the facility, the doctors, their friends and relatives, keeping all in the loop on current happenings, special days, medical info, etc. Sometimes it even seems to help the nearby siblings, to listen while they grumble, debrief, and think things through. Parents sometimes need/want items not provided and I've been able to call others to visit and drop them off (and parents have been willing to pay, but just can't get them).

I've worked on funeral plans and researched "next steps," passing along pertinent information. If you truly want to help and just don't want to compromise your current lifestyle, talk to your siblings to see what would be most helpful for them!

Ask those

I have a younger sister who lives states away that offers NO support. I would love it if she would send an occasional card. A phone call would be wonderful. A visit (which only happens once ever few years) would be heavenly. I don't care if she ever contacts me but for heavens sake do this for our mother. I tried sending her a text to say that Mom is looking for her babies and they are lost. She refuses to believe that the babies are grown and grandparents themselves. Often she is in panic mode (if you can imagine that feeling when your baby wanders off and you can't find them).