So I'm sitting here this morning drinking my coffee and thinking a lot, possibly too much...

My dad is 93 and we just moved him to assisted living. His house is not safe. He does not make good decisions for his health and safety. Had to be moved because he became dehydrated and spent a week in the hospital (even with caregivers there every day - they can't force him to eat or drink correctly). However, no sale of the house is in sight. Even though he is in assisted living (and drinking and eating a LOT now because it is readily available 24/7!), we still have caregivers that take him to his house 3 days a week to visit but they don't stay long. I am slowly weaning him away from it. I have forwarded his mail to my house. I am planning to bring his little copier (he makes copies of EVERYTHING!) to the facility so he doesn't need to go to his house to do that, etc. We will slowly show him that he does not need to be at his house and that he has everything he needs at the assisted living. He still has a friend that helps with the yard work and he is going today but will not be picking up dad (which kind of surprised me). He will go and spend a couple hours there. It's going to be baby steps. No point in trying to sell the house in the winter and hopefully it won't attract squatters. Don't know how long this will take.

I know how you feel. I never took my mom back to her house after moving her to assisted living and moving myself back to my own house. That was an awful day when I took her, but I had to remain strong and do it for her own safety and well being. It was a horrible feeling for me to know that she would never be in her very much loved home again, but to also know that she had no idea that she wouldn't ever be back. I do take her to my house sometimes, but I was afraid at her house that she would have a bad experience of having to leave her home again. She eventually, I think in about 5 months, started to think of the assisted living as her home. It helps so much that it is in an old neighborhood and there is a front porch, trees, children, squirrels, and dogs to watch. The more institutional places have larger rooms and more activities but don't look like homes. You have your mom in a home. You did good!

You are having an attack of the "responsibles". You aren't responsible. Life is. I could sit here at 77 and tell you about the losses in my life. My right breast. A relationship with one of my daughters. My Dad and Mom. Last week, my last little dog.
But you won't think that you are responsible for these, my losses. Because I am not your Mom. But you will try to take on the grief and loss you are seeing in your Mom. You see what is left at the end of all those losses, and in the end of our life it is ALL about loss. The loss of our looks, our health, our mental csapabilities, our autonomy, our homes, our choices, our friends. It is all about LOSS. If it goes on long enough you will look over the steaming cup to see your mom curled into a fetal position much like the one she left the womb in. All the muscles contractured to that final position that I looked at, and while an atheist still thought I saw a cycle the gods might devise for a full circle of life.
I think that all who do hands on care with elders, and all who are aging, recognize the grief at this loss and at witnessing it with all helplessness. I don't even do hands on care for my brother, but since I learned he has a probably Lewy's and since I took over the care of his affairs, I am somewhat obsessed in my mind. I do all I can to get away from it, but you are stuck there, and seeing it 24/7
As to guilt. Nope. I don't do that. I haven't killed anyone. But when you feel guilt please remember that only good people feel it.
I believe, if this is to go on long and long you may need to let go that you are responsible for everything. You are grieving and feeling responsible for things you should not have to. I don't think it will be better. I am so sorry.

Bless your heart. Please please don't let those thoughts come over you. Just know you have and are doing the best for her. I was in the similar position with my Mom at the same age. She was living in a condo that she loved. She called it her doll house. I cared for her in her 'doll house' for a long time. At first coming and going each day, cooking, cleaning, giving meds, etc. Until I had to move in with her, after I was called at 3am, by her neighbor, telling me she was out wandering, knocking on everyone's doors, etc. Hen I got there her neighbor had taken her in. She had on 3 layers of slacks and tops, sun glasses on, etc. It was a very foggy night and her condo was right beside a lake. Forgot to mention it was in FL and and water was home to alligators. I moved in with her immediately.

Even though she was in her loved condo, she didn't know it most of the time. She seemed to think she was in a home. She would dress for breakfast, including jewelry and ask when the others would be there. I cared for her in her condo until I realized I could no longer.

I was able to find a wonderful memory care home for her near me. However that meant I needed to sell the condo (which was in my name) and pass on the items she would no longer be needing. Oh my,,,, that was not easy, especially before she passed, but I kept telling myself it was what was needed because this was where we were both at for the very best for Mom.

Even if I would have taken her back to it. She would not have known it was hers. There are sad times through it all, but try not to go there. Like someone told me,,,,,remember it was when she was thinking normally that she put you in charge of everything (legally) and she did that because she knew you would do what was best.

Sometimes you need to use little white lies to make the transition easier for them. Such as, work needs to be done on the house to make it safe, etc. Plumbing not working. Workers on strike. No heat in the house. Road is closed. Etc. But ALWAYS change subject and walk out of the room.

We as caregivers need to do everything we can to keep them safe, along with so much else. I know,,,, now 12 years since my mother's passing my husband is in mid stage Alzheimers. I adapt, live in the moment and try not to be sad about what he/we lost but what we had enjoyed together. Bless you dear daughter. A daughter so many mother's would be blessed to have.

We went through this with my inlaws and their lake cabin, which was great for them when they were both able to climb stairs, walk on uneven ground, jump in the lake off the dock and swim, etc etc. Once they moved to indy living, MIL asked to go back and hubby and I looked at one another in horror because we knew a visit would end with MIL in tears and FIL having a panic attack at the sight of MIL in tears. We felt guilt and recognized that it was irrational guilt.

Do something nice for yourself every day, and be gentle with yourself. If you keep beating yourself up you will never get off the emotional roller coaster.

As people with dementia progress, they are not capable of processing information and experiences the way they used to. It's sad, but, part of their illness. There is nothing that they or anyone else can do to change brain damage. The compassionate thing is to prevent any unnecessary suffering and for that you should be glad that is what you did. When you are kind and attempt to prevent pain, you should feel proud of yourself. For those who don't try or who harm others, I get why they may feel guilt, but, for those who have good intentions and work so hard with their care, I don't see where guilt has a place. I hope you can find peace with it.

There's always the 'what ifs'. It sounds like you've been a loving daughter and did the best you could.

You didn't do her a disservice by not taking her to the house anymore. If you'd kept bringing her, it would be hurting rather than helping! She would get more and more upset about leaving each time, and that's just painful for her.