I live with my mom who in the last month has an onset of dementia.My boyfriend of 8 yrs helps me.I have two brothers.One lives in the next town divorced,3 kids and cop.Brother two,lives 45 mins away.He has alwys put his head in the sand,does well.Tomorrowtwlight zone.They alwa are coming for visit so we can get a respite.Just spoke to brother two,he can only come early leave within 2 hours.My other brother does not know if he can stay.In a recent discussion they both have said that my boyfriend is not family.I feel as if i am living in the twlight zone.Sometimes i just sit here and cry in disbelief.Thank God for my boyfriend.I am tired,not sleepy,exhausted.Every day is different.How can a shrinking,125 lbs,woman be so much work.I am blessed,other people have it way worse.Twlight Zone....

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dentasst, can you take your mom to brother #1's house and leave her there for the day? If that would be easier for him to pitch in, then it might be an option. Tell #2 brother that even though your boyfriend isn't officially 'family' he's beyond helpful to you, and therefore brother needs to drop the 'family' thing. You take your help where you can get it. Positive reinforcement may be the way to go with the brothers. Praise goes a long way to encourage someone to rally around your mom. Also that goes for the boyfriend too. I'm sure you've told him countless times how much you appreciate him, but one more time won't hurt.
Helpful Answer (1)

"Deadbeat Siblings", I like that term.
My brothers showed up for Christmas for a few hours this year, but for my mama's birthday this upcoming week, she probably get a card, and Holy Smoke, maybe even a phone call!
In the couple of days I've been on this site checking it out, this seems to be one of the biggest common denominators I've been catching, this sense of, 'Why am I the only one involved in this process?' of care taking.
I wish I could say I'm caught by surprise, but unfortunately, I'm fairly well versed in the subject.

I pretty well knew years ago (I mean back when I was in my twenties) that it was probably going to be just me & Mama one day, if and when the time came she couldn't be alone any longer, but that didn't keep me from holding out hope I would have more family involvement...for a while I did anyway (I'm a big fan of hope...yeah yeah, I'm a sucker and a hopeless romantic..hmm, kinda ironic ain't it ;-) ).
I stopped giving a hoot in hell what they did, or didn't do as the case may be, after a couple of years, around five years ago or so.
I mean, I've also known my brothers for a while, right?
But I still gave 'em a chance anyway, and they made their choice, as did I.
One can hope, but holding on to too much hope they will one day, "wake up", is tiring, frustrating, and a waste of very precious time and emotions, emotions you may find your not able to spare.
Well what I did was, started figuring I could use all that wasted time in better pursuits, and then even if I wasted it, it would be wasted on my terms, and certainly not theirs.
Don't get me wrong, I welcome them a chance to step up, but it's on my terms now, they have to ask to participate, not the other way around, and I've made that clear.
My best girl and I have forged this life, it's filled with a routine she needs, a routine that allows her to be able to feel comfortable, viable, and most importantly to me, it helps her not to feel confused, which keeps her from feeling afraid (you do NOT want to make her feel afraid, not if you value your limbs at any rate).
Anyone, including family, hell, especially family, that upsets that balance, causes her a a single iota of discomfort, answers to me...and as I've noted, I can get rather, shall we say, grumpy, in all things Mama.

Good luck with your brothers, I mean that from the bottom of my cholesterol encrusted heart!
And oh my yes, definitely give them a chance to be a part of your lives, but don't go holdin' your breath and frustrate yourself wasting your valuable time, whilst waiting for them to make a reasonably right choice.
I guess what I'm sayin' is, I think if you've make the right choice and carry through with it, giving out the privileges is on your terms, and at least for me personally, time, any time, spent with my Mama, is a privilege.
So now, as it stands, if my family wants 'the right' to play a real part in her life, they have to earn that.
I ain't got no time for that constant drivel of over used obligatory excuses, like, yeah I'll try & make it..not now maybe me in the middle of the week..we'll see about next weekend but I'm headed out the door now..oh I'm sorry something just came up at work..I can't get away til next week now..I'm still waiting on the cable guy..the dog died..I forgot I had to go pee in a jar (oh yeah, I got that one once)..yada yada yada blah blah blather foolishness...and I'm a super fool, so I should know what I'm talkin' about.
Please try and not let "deadbeat sibling" disappointment get you down, I know it's hard, but you'll just have to trust me when I say, if it ain't worth a damn, then it just ain't worth it.

Hey, you give that big lug of yours a big 'ol sloppy smooch for me would ya...and only then, tell him I'm a big foul mouthed, hairy armed & back, bald headed, four eyed fat %#*^$*, with a bad attitude and most probably questionable mental health..he deserves it, the sloppy smooch, not the freak out, that's just for the fun of it..well okay, my fun, yours too if ya wanna have some (eh, what can I say, it's the small stuff & the yucks that keeps this chucklehead goin'...though to fair & honest and in the interest of full disclosure, that description is rather stunning in it's accuracy ;-) .
Helpful Answer (2)

Denty -
Welcome to the site. I have two siblings, both have outwardly refused to come and help my take care of BOTH Mom and Dad. Dad has dementia and Mom just overall aging health related issues. It was very hard for me, but I wrote off my siblings. I couldn't believe they wouldn't come even every eight weeks for a day and just give me a break. So, I figured if it's not impiortant to them, they're not important to me. i need to use my energy in a postive way to care for my elderly parents, who don't drive and are are very needy. Use YOUR energy in a positive way. Once I had put my mind to blowing them off as they did me, I was in a much better place. On the other hand, if you think they actually WILL help you, encourage them to do so, cause in the end, they will be the ones with the guilt, not you.

Best of luck and stay close to the people here.
Peace in the New Year,

Helpful Answer (3)

Your BOYFRIEND needs to speak up to them and let them know HE is doing what THEY should be doing, and if they don't like it, the same door they just came in leads OUT as well.
Helpful Answer (4)

welcome to the twilight zone , its called a deadbeat siblings , your boyfriend is ur new famly , forget the other 2 brothers u have , also this aging care is your new family also .
welcome to this site ,
if ur bothers cant accept your boyfriend then just tell em do not come .
Helpful Answer (4)

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