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My mom passed away a little less then a year ago. In the years I took care of her I was trying to care for her, raise my child, and stay in a relationship despite the fact my mom hated him beyond words. In that time my mom was raised to pop off at the mouth, a trait she got from her mother. My mom would say mean things to me despite the fact that I gave up working to care for her, I gave up my own home my own life and raised my child around her. Her condition made these pop offs worse for example "I wish I had believed in abortions because you would have been one!" those type of pop offs enough to hurt me and send me into a spiral. Now to my relationship. I love him always have but he hated my mom as much as she hated him and he was not allowed in her home. I felt guilt ridden when I spent time with him because I knew when I got home I was getting yelled at (as a grown adult). Vise versa when I was with my mom too much he would make me feel bad. He cheated on me he even lived with another woman and gave her all the love and affection I deserved. Now I can't get him to be loving with me because he says I did it to myself. I love him I do but now he is just verbally abusive every single chance he gets, he makes comments how I loved my mom more then him. How I didn't give him all my love. I did I never cheated I have only hugged another man once in the time we have been together and that was because the guy found me crying and he was an acquaintance and he wanted to show his support and understanding to me finding out I was cheated on. I haven't moved him in with us because I do not feel I'm emotionally stable in this relationship he has me on pins and needles all the time. I want to scream because he drinks ALOT and he thinks it's okay when he isn't with us he drinks 12-24 beers a night. It makes me sick then he will say it's my fault he drinks. I feel like I went from abuse to abuse. I never do anything for myself for fear someone will get mad at me my mom always did now I'm afraid he will also. I try so hard to get the love from him that he gave the other woman I make elaborate meals, when he is here I do his laundry and I do everything I'm basically a 1950's housewife I just want what he gave her I think I deserve it after staying with him. I found out only a month before my mom passed he lived with the other woman. I'm ashamed of myself for wanting to be loved so bad by him I know I should run but I don't know how . I'm grieving still I also lost my oldest daughter 1 year before my mom was diagnosed. I am a wreak. I tried to seek help but therapist just say leave him they don't try and help me understand why I feel like I do they don't even let me talk about it they change it to how is my relationship with my father. Stupid topics that have nothing to do with why I am there to talk to them. I needed a place to really open up I have brothers but they were never around for our mom they won't be around for me. I tried several times to reach out to them. Sending texts and leaving voicemails asking to talk please and never a text or a call back. I just wish I had people to talk too. My priest says turn to God, I have been since forever ago. I just am at a loss I don't know how to get past what I feel from grieving to my relationship. I guess what makes me really confused is am I thinking he is being abusive because I'm used to being abused or is he is abusing me verbally.

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JoAnn,told my daughter the same thing. Trying my best. Please realize the guy doesn’t deserve you. You sound like a really kind, conscientious,person who has had to deal with a lot. Please look in the mirror and see the good in you.
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Had an older woman tell me to marry someone who loves you more. Will never have to worry about them.
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I think Alnon is a great idea. You realize, he is an alcoholic. I believe that people tell the truth when drunk. Because of ur insecurity he knows you will allow this treatment. If u don't want ur child to carry on this type of behavior then u need to change. Write a list one side Pros the other Cons. Then ask yourself questions like...what does he do for me. How does he treat my child...etc. If more cons then Pros, dump him. You deserve to be loved but on ur terms. You have to consider your needs first. They should be met if a relationship is going to work. Can't be onesided. Wish I had made that list bf my first marriage. Relationships can't be onesided.
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Thank you very much Blannie I will look up FOG and get the information I do love to read and right now I need all the help I can get that's why I am finally at a point I'm opening up on all of this I held it all in for so long only trying to reach out when I felt like I was sinking.
I want to work on myself because I feel like I am starting to act like my mother and I don't want that either.
I want to get better and be a better person and I really want to start understanding why I keep putting myself through this pain staying when I want to run because I'm not getting treated as I deserve.
Thank you going to look that up now.
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One topic that is discussed on AgingCare fairly frequently is how parents control their children with FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). You were raised to buy into the FOG by your mom. You were programmed from a young age. So you never learned to trust yourself or your own value. It's not surprising that you don't value yourself.

But the good news is, you can see the pattern and now you can work to change it. That's a HUGE step forward. A lot of people never make the connection, but you do - so that's great!!

If you have easy access to the internet, you can google "FOG + fear obligation and guilt" and get lots of information. You can also search for information about narcissistic parents and get lots of information about how they program you. Maybe you can look for another counselor who will work with you in the way that is helpful to you.

You're smart not to let your boyfriend move in with you - that would be continuing the cycle of abuse. You'd be wise to get away from him and work on understanding how you can stand on your own two feet and learn to love yourself. Good luck and please keep us posted.
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AA is for alcoholics. Al Anon is for family members and others who live with alcoholics.
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I never thought to go to any Am Anon meetings I thought they were only for alcoholics I myself don't drink at all because it runs in my family so I don't risk it.
I will look into them and see I didn't know they were even an option.
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Trying, I'm so sorry about the loss of your mom, and your current bad situation with the person you are seeking love from. Who is an alcoholic.

Have you considered going to Am Anon meetings? They might help you understand the dynamic that exists in your current relationship. They also have the benefit of being free and widely available.
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