Been taking care of mom with dementia for four years because I can't bear the guilt and sadness of putting her in nursing home. She has become like my child and we have always had a deep loving relationship. But I'm afraid someone is going to get hurt and I am mentally incapable of enduring this horror any longer. She keeps violently attacking me. Once while wrestling with her arms to stop her swinging on me and get her away from me we both fell to the floor. She'll be covered in shit and I have to force her into the shower, she'll start swinging on me and once she fell in the shower and smacked her head. She hasn't bathed in months because she refuses. She reeks. She has a horrible rash underneath her breasts. She has a bulge of flesh hanging out of her vagina. She says her legs and feet are numb. But I worry without a medical emergency like a broken leg, the paramedics are not going to take her to the hospital against her will. I also worry that if I tell the police about the violence they are going to lock her up in some padded room. She lost medicaid because she got a lump sum payment of $20k and we are spending that down. But what happens if I manage to get her admitted and she doesn't have medicaid? And the social worker calls me and says I need to pick her up because there are no beds available. I will refuse to pick her up, but will that mean she could be stuck in the hospital? I wonder if we just hand over the $20k to the nursing home, which would buy a few months, then they could get her medicaid going again? I could sell her house but that takes time and I don't want her to be stuck in some hellish limbo. I have Medical and Durable POA. It's going to be horrific, but I want to make the process less painful for her any way I can. Who do I call? What do I say? I've asked on here before and heard of the UTI claim and "social admit" but I want to be damn sure that if the paramedics come, they don't leave without her because she will tell them "I'm fine, I don't need to go to the hospital."
Like that would be worse than how she lives now?
She can't be doing better at home without being kept clean, having painful rashes, and other health issues you aren't taking care of, like medical professionals would. Getting her proper care is not "horrific" whatsoever. What is "horrific" is that you are overwhelmed, afraid and not doing anything but freaking out over all these "what ifs?"
Caregiving someone so resistant and uncooperative stresses people out! Start thinking how to keep Mom SAFE, not dwell on negative possibilities. As her POA, you are stuck in drama and not taking action on her behalf, which is not helping her whatsoever. Mom may end up liking the attention and people waiting on her. She may love getting that painful rash healed, and getting helped by professionally trained medical staff. She has to be in misery now, in no condition to help herself, which is YOUR job. Being attacked constantly shows Mom is beyond home care.
Take some of that $20K and see an Elder Lawyer, who can help you get Mom back on Medicaid and give you a proper game plan. You can't take care of Mom anymore, without meds to control her violent behavior, for starters. Dementia care needs a controlled environment, for her own health and safety. Be her advocate, instead of her stressed out caregiver slave. Your personal fears are preventing her from proper care. Dementia only gets worse, never better.
Your mom s brain is broken and the fact that you are her POA means that you now have to do what is in her best interest for her safety and her health.
And the hospital and the police need to know about her violent tendencies, so they can treat her appropriately.
So I would call 911 NOW and when EMS comes you show them her rash and the bulge and let them know that her legs and feet are numb and that she has dementia and MUST be taken to the ER NOW.
And of course you should spend moms 20k on a facility bed and when that is close to being gone(which it won't take long for it to be)you can once again apply for Medicaid for her.
So quit reading this response now and call 911!!!
That rash must be driving her nuts. Do what Alva says. But that area needs to be clean and kept dry. My Mom wore cotton/polyester bras that would breath. There should be no skin touching skin. When the rash is cleared up, used cornstarch to help keep area dry.
I would take Mom to the ER. She seems to have a prolapsed uterus. Act stupid and just say you noticed this. Hopefully she will be admitted. Then you talk to a Social Worker and tell her Mom needs to go to LTC. You will not be taking her home. She has become violent and your afraid she or you is going to get hurt. She needs more care then your can physically give. Tell her how much you have. It will be easier to get her into LTC starting out private pay.
Mom needs care and you need to be safe and relieved of caregiving .
There will be no “ making this less painful” for Mom because she does not understand . Her brain is broken .
She is in mental distress already , that’s why she attacks you . Get her where they can give her meds to calm her down .
Get past your own self imposed guilt and place Mom in care where she needs to be.
And yes , use the $20K for the nursing home etc . You are in a “ hellish limbo “ now , which is why you are posting here .
You need to call 911 and say you’ve been attacked one too many times .
Then call 911 and force them to bring her to hospital. She has several medical issues that must be addressed as well as she needs to be admitted and examined.
Discreetly make videos for back up evidence. Don’t let her know you are doing that and don’t let her know you are calling 911 when you do.
# 2. With the VERY NEXT Attack call the EMS.
Mom will be transported to the ER.
As soon as Mom is in CARE you must LEAVE the premises; leave your phone number
When you are called tell the you need mom fully diagnosed as regards her attacks and let them know you are terrified of her and she cannot be returned home but must be placed in care. Tell them to have Social Workers call you.
#3. Let Social workers know of Mom's "windfall" of money. This will go to her care in facility. Then she will need to be on medicaid. But for now this will help get her into memory care.
I don't want to hear the word guilt out of you; you didn't cause this and you cannot fix it and guilt requires causation and a refusal to fix. This is about GRIEF. And it is worthy of grieving.
Your mother now needs the care of a team of workers on several shifts.
Any attempt to give care by you is both unwise, inadequate and unsustainable.
Act now for your mother's sake and for your own life. I hope you'll update us and I wish you the very, very best. I am so very sorry.
I would say “ Mom just attacked me again”, whether it’s true or not .