How is the situation different when the caregiver is the husband?

I apologize if I was unclear. I have met many men who are wonderful caregivers and they visit their wives with AZ every day. There are men in my building who are wonderful parents. However, in MY EXPERIENCE, my father was a very selfish person and my mother was altruistic, hard working, self-sacrificing, and always put her mother, her husband, and her children first. When the lawyer suggested medicaid planning so my mother will have enough to live on if he needs to go to a nursing home, he said I refuse to go to a nursing home. My wife will take care of me. The lawyer asked "what if she cannot take care of you?" My father replied that he does not want to live in a nursing home under any circumstances and he thought his living will would prevent the 2-year torture period he endured with end stage AZ. My mother would have done or given ANYTHING for my father, but he did not trust her to manage his finances. My brother thinks taking care of his parents is not a child's responsibility and he lives far away and gives us no financial help (that he can afford) and never visits or calls to talk to Mom. He does not know what to say to her because she can't hear well or comprehend things well. My first husband spent my food money on beer, the second tried to get money out of my parents, the third died in a plane crash. There was also a conman boyfriend who forced me into chapter 7. I know lots of happily married couples and the men are polite and loving. I personally find that the more I offer, the more I get used, and since my father and brother have always been examples of selfishness and arrogance. However, I have male friends who are wonderful and I have had male employers who are wonderful. Has a man ever taken care of me? No. But I don't have time to feel sorry for myself because my mother needs my love and attention and even then I get impatient when I am tired, she can feel my love. If you are happily married to a wonderful man who takes care of you, I wish you long term happiness.

Ceasna182: Your post comes up only partially on my gmail acct. What happened to the rest of it?

My situation is different than many on this site having to care for my wife who was paralyzed from an accident 7 years ago. Having something like this happen to a couple in their 40's really changes the dynamic of the situation especially when the needed care is quick and dramatic. I think most people understand care of some kind will be required for an aging parent in the future even though they don't know what level or even their own coping ability until it really happens. I won't get into the depth her required care but to say she would need placement into a skilled nursing facility without it. The weight of that alone causes stress and worry if left to ponder on preparing for the future for those "what-if" scenarios.
Of course I can only speak for myself as a male but I would have to agree that being a caregiver is more defined by ones character than gender. Of course male and female have different views on problem solving and amount of emotional vs analytical ingredient. But I believe it mostly comes down to the amount of empathy a person has and doing the right thing which I believe is not gender specific.

Perseverance, a very good issue to bring up on this thread! The sudden need for care due to an accident or sudden medical emergency. I am sure that must be very difficult and stressful. Trying to learn so much at once and also dealing with the shock of the situation and accompanying grief that would follow. This is quite tragic when these things happen to anybody but particularly younger people.

A friend of mine has been providing care to his wife, diagnosed in her early 50's, with early onset dementia. He was able to care for her at home until her aggressiveness and wandering became a danger to herself and to him as well. His wife was moved to a facility about a year and a half ago now which was very heart wrenching for him. Her decline now seems to be very rapid, he is hoping later this year he will be able to get away for even a few days giving him a break from the three times a week one hour trip each way. He has been very dedicated to her and provided her so much pleasure and enjoyment.

I wish them well on their journey and all of you husband caregivers that never anticipated this sort of outcome!

Thank you for your kind words gladimhere.
I have thought about that scenario your friend is in and my heart aches. I think as a man it may be harder because we are "the protectors and providers" and when or if a situation becomes something we can't it is hard to manage emotionally. The feeling of "letting them down" or that you failed them is huge. People are all unique but I believe the pain you see is only a fraction of what he has. Like the overflow of water in a full bucket. Please let him know he's in my prayers and he represents a guiding example of a mans true strength and character.

@Llamalover47 try clicking it and open the email and read it , hope you aint no caregiver cause access to pc knowledge is a must on knowing what meds do , side affects , see , it requires being smart and stay ahead , and be quick , know the the signs of a bull crap hospital employee , and be ready to put one in their place ! it's war !

Very interesting account Joannes. Agree no one can do it all alone 24/7 - certainly not me which my husband is beginning to realize. I have some health issues too. Ceasna is doing fine after getting to breaking point . My neighbour is 90 and caring for his wife of 92 who has ALZ. Gets some care in which is essential but he is well off you could say loaded! whereas "they" would take all my savings if I tried to get some help from the authorities. I am paying for a cleaner and a friend to help twice a week for 3 hours. I am like the husband mentioned by Jinx - like her husband I cant find things (even as a child my mother liked to tell everyone.) My husband was so on the ball and athletic its really cruel that the dreamy unpractical one has to get on with it . He does say he loves me more these days though! Michele is right - not all females are good at caring by any means - I am one of them!

Cessna182: Bravo! Bravo for putting me d

That was supposed to say Ceasna182: Bravo! Bravo for putting me down! I know how to open an email. Your comment "you hope I ain't no caregiver-?" Actually I was-moved in with my mom 400 miles away from my home. Are you kidding me? Medical professionals are great! Btw, I'm also a writer and your grammar could use some improvement. Have a great night.

Then adjust for the learning curve if thats the issue. Some dont naturally statt baking cassaroles or thinking to do the chores etc....but anyone worth their salt will do something...take on more work, pay for help etc. Sometimes, spelling it out helps. Takes willingness on that side, and willingness on the other side to speak up

@ruthieruth: well , That's good words , but , its only the beginning , that don't even start to cover the true pain . blood - sweat - and tears of a senior Harvard care giving grad ! js.

From my experience caring for my late husband I found men are not as empathetic as women in this task. Therefore it is more difficult for a man to be a as competent as a women during the job of caring. There are exceptions and many men are better at care giving then women, but I would say a smaller per cent.

@ Robimar : i don't recommend the job to no -body , if you can avoid it ,do it ! Don't volunteer , make the gov. pay you ! , it's our tax dollars they hording up for they own personal use ! ,I have saved lifes at the blink of an eye,, i could type hours a day for months and NEVER START TO COVER my experience with ,two guns up syndrome .. js

my parents had a typical 50's style marriage. My mother took care of the household and waited on him hand and foot. I don't think my father even knew how to turn on the stove.

Then my mother developed Alzheimer's. This forced a change of roles once my mother got past the first stages and started to forget ingredients or worse, afraid she'd put in Clorox instead of flour by mistake!

Fast forward 6 years. My father takes care of the household now all by himself. Ok not as well as my meticulous mother did and yes there are dust bunnies in the corners sometimes but God bless him. He has learned to cook and enjoys making new things. Actually he's gotten really good! He gives her insulin shots, takes her to the doctor and makes sure she is ok for the most part.

I don't think he fully understands the diabetic diet and offers way too many carbs (he only thinks sugar is "bad"), lets her sleep too long and lets her boss him around way too much too but for the most part they have successfully transitioned roles. They are married 60 years and probably don't know where one starts and the other ends by now. I've sent over housekeepers but they were fired after 1 day. I offer info about daycare, nursing aids but no, my father doesn't want anyone in the house. He likes his privacy and routines.

So, until he can't do it anymore, like when she becomes incontinent, can't walk anymore, can't talk or sundowning, I think he not only wants to care for her but on some level likes it too. As he says "she took care of me all those years, now its my turn." Wish I had a husband like that.

My BF is caring for his dad. There are a lot more issues than just him being a male caregiver that I won't go in to. From my experience, he does not have the patience or the compassion that a female caregiver usually possesses. He does not like to ask for help, from family or professional agencies. He thinks it is a sign of weakness. He tries to do it all himself. He doesn't realize that it's worth it to spend some money, rather than put the whole burden on himself, and put his mental and physical health at risk. He has even pretty-much thrown our relationship on the back burner.

My stepdad "took care" of my mother when she got cancer. He is extremely old school and feels that the wife should wait on the man, hand and foot. Therefore, it did not go over well. He couldn't accept the fact that she was incapable of making his meals, cleaning house, etc. It made him angry. He yelled at her. I tried to intervene but was sent away. He had no compassion. He was basically mad that she was dying and that he was losing HIS caretaker. I know this is an exception, and not the rule. My step dad is narcissistic.

Waiting4alife..My sister is a narcissist too..and I understand how difficult these people can be for others..especially when the other people need care. I am caring for my 102 year old mother who is dying, and my sister is completely absent when asked to help. She has appointments everyday for her nails or her hair or her messages or her facials..There is no one other than herself that matters..and her husband is her puppet...Very draining on the family.
It's either her hair appointment

Robimar---yes, they think only of themselves and destroy the people closest to them, while appearing to be a great person to the outside world. I feel sorry for her husband. My mom was his puppet, also. It's a horrible existence. But, this is getting off the subject of the original question. I just wanted to give you my sympathy, and let you know that I know where you are coming from, and wish you the best.

waiting4alife-My Father is the same - he totally resents having to take care of my Mom (Alzheimers). He will make himself something to eat but not give her anything. He claims he asks her and she doesn't want anything (which is true but she doesn't even know she's hungry). It's pitiful how he talks to her as well. We have had hundreds of conversations/arguments with him to just put the food in front of her and she will eat it, but he just refuses! So now we have someone coming in 4 days a week and she ensures my mom eats breakfast and lunch as well as does some light cleaning, thank God! I also have hired a cleaning lady as my father never cleans up anything. My siblings and I take turns on some other days but can't be there every day. She basically survives on coffee, cookies and cake at the other times. When any of us siblings put food in front of her she eats everything on the plate. We make sure there are meals to eat but can never be sure how much she is getting. He is so stubborn but was raised to be waited on hand and foot and I know he totally resents having to do anything for her. I have come to resent him so much and can barely be around him for the way he is treating her. I would give anything to move her to assisted living but he would never allow it and they could not afford it without selling their house. My SIL father took excellent care of her mother, and treated her much better than before she was sick. I would never have thought he would have taken on the task. So it goes to show it's the person, not the gender.

waitingfor life & daughter166...wow, i read your posts and it angered me that your dads are so cruel to you mothers! what a jerks!!!! i would take my mother home with me if possible to get her away from those idiot husbands...and i know that is not possible most of the time. i have to read more posts to see what people are suggesting...but make sure your watching those lovely mothers!!

after reading a many of the responses, i realized that know one said, it's extremely difficult to be a caregiver...for both men and women!!!!

gearing up for war again , yes , The Unpaid Man Care Giver ! as of yesterday , x-rays have shown that my 10 yr. patient's back is out , and needs major surgery, now, now am i going to face this / well , i all ready know , why? through experience , , is-it great to know that a Man that has 10 + yrs. exp. will be there , # 1 - Body language of every staff employee at the hospital that enters that room ( PM Only! ), #2- Guess - ?....

lifeexperiences and daughter166----What I have written about my stepdad's abuse toward my mom doesn't even begin to explain his horrible treatment of her. She was supposed to have a hip replacement, but cancelled it once she knew her cancer was terminal. She could barely walk even with the help of a walker, yet he still made her go out ion the kitchen and make meals for him. She was weak from the cancer, as well. I tried to intervene but was pretty-much thrown out of the house. He screamed at her and called her a lazy *itch because she eventually was too weak to walk even with the walker. She fell a few times before hospice finally brought in a hospital bed and put it in the livingroom. My stepdad resented that she couldn't go to the kitchen and get her medications. He had to bring them to her. When the hospice aid came to bathe her, he said---and do something with her *od*amn hair! It looks like shi*! He was always saying extremely inconsiderate things in front of her regarding that she was going to die, anyway.... Such a horrible end of life! I tried to get her to come live with me, but she was afraid he would hurt me and my daughter, so, she refused.

@lifeexperiences and daughter166 : if it were my mom , i would kick his azz ! no question about it !

Waiting For A Life! Omg God!! It's Your Step Dad...and That's Worse!! Are You Afraid Of Him????? If That Was My Mother...i Would Take Her From The Home...and I Don't Know How Brave Or How Big You Are...i Would Have Him Arrested And Get A Restraining Order!!! I Would Let No One Do That To My Mother...not Even My Dad!! If You Are Afraid Of Him...call The Senior Services And Report Him...and Get Her Out Of There!!!!

Ceasna182...i Would Tooooooo!!!!! I Would Have A Loooooong Time Ago!!

my father was verbally abusive to my mother and when i became a teen...i let him have it verbally!! and he was about the same size as my mother...and when she got a little older she let him have it tooooo!!!! i was very happy when she started standing up for herself!!!

waitingforalife My sister is abusive to my 102year old mother and opened her big mouth in front of nurses, and counselors at a Rehab Facility. I sent a text to the family members about this abuse and said I was reporting her to the authorities for elder abuse. She and her husband (who I call brain dead for living with this abusive person) came to my home and verbally abused me with insults for sending out the text. NO One supported me and I did not report her because my mother stopped me, and said I embarrassed her to the family. My son, age 48 called me, and said it was propaganda against my sister and put his head in the sand. My sister left my home after I walked to the phone to call the police, and told her I would have the police put in the psych ward. She is a very violent controlling person that the family seems to accept, and not make waves. She told her side of the story with lies and I am very close to slappping a slander suit against her through legal counsel. It is very difficult to stop the behavior of a narcissistic bully, which is what social workers have said is her diagnosis. It is not my nature to step back when I see this type of behavior. I have unwillingly accepted her because my mother has been protecting her with excuses all her life. My point here is the only way out is through legal counselors and mediators, but to allow this man to be abusive to your mother is unacceptable...do what you have to do, because your mom is too weak under his control. Good Luck!

hi robimar...thanks for your post! yes, bullies...i believe bullies continue to bully because people always back down and they get away with it!! i've confronted bullies...and they stopped bullying!! to back down...go after your sister...who cares what the rest of the family thinks!! good for you!

I note that some members are impatient with others! That wont do ! We are all under stress and all doing our best . Please dont put down other caregivers!!! Even if you think you know better. As for the technology it doesnt always work as my laptop sends messages before I complete them sometimes! Etc!