Women, stop accepting unacceptable behavior, and worse yet, teaching your sons to continue the problem! The situation is NOT different when men are caregivers - we should all stop lauding men to the skies when they do caregiving... or giving them "excuses" to avoid this life challenge. Time for men to experience what women have been dealing with for centuries. Women, please, expect and demand mutual respect and caring and men --- grow a pair!!
Okay...so perfect example here.. I came down with influenza even though I got the influenza shot 8 weeks ago. My husband is taking care of me and I couldn't ask for better care. He also suffers from inherited clinical depression from his late mother, but he IS providing the best care for me.
No answer here, just MidKid58, you made me smile with the comment about you MIL, "she should have been a lot nicer to me" I also have a MIL that I certainly hope isn't thinking I'll take care of one day, she's ignored me for years :)
I know I commented on this a year or more ago. My husband points out to me the ALF's in the neighborhood "This is where I am going to put you"...thinking it's hysterically funny. Well, he's 5 years older than I am, a liver transplant patient to boot and a non-compliant diabetic. But I will no doubt take care of him with all my love to the very last day he lives. (BTW, he's his mother's POA and she lives in FEAR that he will die before her (not unlikely, she's in excellent health and only 19 years his senior) and I will be the one to take care of her in her "old age". SHE should have been a lot nicer to me :)
I actually DO worry about my future sometimes. If he dies first, I plan to sell the house and move into independent living and move up to assisted if I need it someday. that's all I got, so far.... I am pretty much on my own with all of this, I don't really know how others without much family provide for their own futures. (sigh)
Well, Lassie, forewarned is fore-armed! Better to realise now that your husband is not going to be bringing you supper on a tray and make other plans, than to be savagely disappointed when it's too late.
I think thinking "oh yikes" and running away is quite a common male response to seeing someone upset, isn't it. I expect your husband has other sterling virtues?
If you're getting really fed up with his attitude, you'd better say in words of one syllable what you want him to do. Note: what you want him to do, not how you want him to be. They're often much happier following straightforward instructions than having to figure stuff out.
Being as how MY husband goes up to his room and closes the door when I am sitting here crying out of grief, sadness, or frustration....I have very little hope of getting ANYTHING like 'caregiving' from him, should I need it. It's all 'me me me', what can I do for HIM, where is supper, where is his laundry. I can perfectly visualize his stepping over my body should I collapse on the floor.
mothers and wives that do every little thing and cater to their husbands and sons are sic people!! im wondering why they do this??? pretty disgusting...hope your daughters didn't pick up your bad habits!!!
I believe a lot has to do with how a person was raised and what life experiences they had. And what was the norm within the stereotypical genders. Back when I had cancer I thought my sig other would step up to the plate and helped out. No, he became very angry at me, said rude hurtful things. He would rather "move out then do housework".
That was how he was raised, he was spoiled rotten by a Mom who did everything for him. And spoiled by his late wife. From relatives I heard he didn't help her around the house, either, even after she became seriously ill.
My Mom also had spoiled my Dad, Dad would help out if Mom guided him enough, but she would pretty much had to retrain him each day :P Like what's up with that? Dad was a brilliant man, with a great career. But he would be the type if Mom was in bed with the flu, he would poke his head in the door and ask "when's dinner?" He didn't know how to make himself a sandwich.... [sigh].
ha...right! i wasn't a natural caregiver either and I'm a woman, who never wanted to have children because i was afraid of all the responsibilities that came with having children. well of course, my father of mexican decent thinks the women should be caretakers...and i have 2 brothers, one lives here and does almost nothing...the other idiot stole my father's POA and Trust legal papers so that my dad couldn't change the will!!!! hahahah NOBODY is a natural caretaker!! is it natural to give up you whole life to care for your parents cause they can't care for themselves...and have siblings that don't do anything because they know they will automatically get 1/3 of the house which is pleny cause we live in los angeles!!! live and learn...just like most of us do...and its never easy!!!
My husband is a caregiver to his dad who is caregiver to his mom, and things are starting to get messy in the emotional baggage claim area.
In order for my FIL to become a decent caregiver he needed various services at home. And the amount of services he needs to be her caregiver increase. He is not a natural caregiver.
My husband is an angel. Right now, he's also a very sad one because we have moved into the bed-bound stage of my MIL's illness. Financially, we cannot maintain the current pace, which compounds the stress my husband is under.
As a wife, I need to help my husband be a caregiver to his dad, who can't do paperwork anymore, while ensuring that his mother gets care she needs but FIL will not ask for. They're in independent living and thank goodness for that!
So I think husbands taking care of wives need the skills - laundry, hygiene, cooking, cleaning - to do a good job. I also feel it's a matter of age (wisdom, maturity) much more than gender. A frail, old man is capable of learning only so much and physically working so much before it catches up. My FIL would have collapsed from exhaustion without 40 hours/week from a helper.
waitingfor life & daughter166: What made them the way they are? We are in the same situation only they were forced to come to stay with me. We are a bit more "in control" now - after lots and lots of heavy fights about the way he is treating my mom. But it is too late now - she has dementia and seems to me only remembers what she is suppose to do to avoid his anger. It is so bad - she will not eat unless he starts eating first. She will sit with the food in front of her waiting for him to take the first bit! He was also hospitalized a few months ago - that was our greatest nightmare! Instead of enjoying his absence - she would not eat! She was waiting on him to take the first bit! If you ask her if she would like a cup of coffee - she looks at him and he will answer - yes, she does or no, she does not. And everything is his! She does not have anything! I have bought beautiful, pink towels for her when they moved in with me because she could not tell me which towel is hers. The moment I take the pink towel out, she will get afraid and ask - is this not your dad's towel? How will he dry himself if his towel is here? Nothing is hers - everything is his - including her, it seems to me.
there was an older man here were i live that is seen in public everyday because of his job going from home to home , bug man, he was sucker punched by a black punk a week ago , his daughter stepped in , and was there 24-7 , i monitored her face book friend post on his condition , it was really bad , and i have access to these pics , to say , she stepped in to care for her hurt dad in the most Christian like way ,the whole family was in smiles and so was hurt Dad with almost life threatening assault injuries , i was pee'ed at the punk that did this and let them know how i feel ! , WRONG ! , The daughter wanted and asked that no-one take to violence , The family did not want to see anyone else , including the attacker , get hurt ! now , That's the way it should be , a God loving family praying and banning to gather for one of their own ! , i do have pics of this , in private only .... just seeing all the smiles id what got me , and i could only smile back ....
LeeCaregiver1 What a great job you are doing! My heart goes out to you. You have the love and determination that is necessary. You are an inspiration to us all. You are right though men can do this but must get some help. I find it difficult as I am not an organized person and not very domesticated which is unfortunate as my husband I am caring for was very good at organising and also a good cook. He couldnt understand why I am so slow but now he seems to appreciate that I am trying to do my best.
Robimar and everyone on this topic: I have never intentionally offended anyone. As carers or past carers, let's be gentle. My mother has deceased. God bless.
Yes, I was totally afraid of my stepdad. He is a raging bull! The worst part is that I have 4 brothers and I told them this was going on and they acted like I was way over-exaggerating or even lying about it. My stepdad had a totally different personalty around them--Mr. Wonderful Guy. Typical narcissist! So, they didn't believe me. Even after they saw a small sample of it because my stepdad slipped and couldn't hold his rage back, they still poo-pooed it as if it was nothing. I think this was their way of not having to deal with it.
I would like to think we all support each other completely ! There are so many posts I must have missed something. I am not sure what happened but I must say I quite agree no one should ever criticize or correct another persons post. We have more than enough to put up with already as carers. Also I have a horrible neighbour who is making my life a misery while my husband is dying on his feet. They have fires polluting our house and garden and refuse to do anything about it although they know he has lung disease ( asbestosis).
Robimar...I agree...being disruptive and rude to those who post their opinions and woes just to be criticized my someone else is unacceptable to me!! This board is for all to express their own personal experiences with whatever topic they feel could help others...or just vent because they are overwhelmed with the life of a caretaker. I love the honesty on these posts...and no one should criticize or correct another person's post. And yes, I did report her!
Lifeexperiences..has llamalover been reported? Comments outside the topic are disruptive to the group..Unfortunately 1 insulting person can destroy a thread of good information..There has been some very helpful information from this group..I would like to stay here without conflict..
rosmarin...llamalover is a troubemaker and a liar! i can attest to that...because she was critical of my posts...then lied about it when i confronted her! i'm sure there are others that have had problems with her!
Robimar- a post 4 days ago from Llamalover was saying she had been criticized by another member ( Cesarein?) who apparently said she could not download emails properly so should not be caring for anyone! Most of the members are very understanding in my experience but this was hurtful so I am sticking up for her!
Rosmarin Your post is unclear.. I don't know specifically what you mean..This is a support group with some difficult situations and the answers are kind hearted.
Seems fair... 🤔
I came down with influenza even though I got the influenza shot 8 weeks ago. My husband is taking care of me and I couldn't ask for better care. He also suffers from inherited clinical depression from his late mother, but he IS providing the best care for me.
Well, he's 5 years older than I am, a liver transplant patient to boot and a non-compliant diabetic.
But I will no doubt take care of him with all my love to the very last day he lives.
(BTW, he's his mother's POA and she lives in FEAR that he will die before her (not unlikely, she's in excellent health and only 19 years his senior) and I will be the one to take care of her in her "old age". SHE should have been a lot nicer to me :)
I think thinking "oh yikes" and running away is quite a common male response to seeing someone upset, isn't it. I expect your husband has other sterling virtues?
If you're getting really fed up with his attitude, you'd better say in words of one syllable what you want him to do. Note: what you want him to do, not how you want him to be. They're often much happier following straightforward instructions than having to figure stuff out.
That was how he was raised, he was spoiled rotten by a Mom who did everything for him. And spoiled by his late wife. From relatives I heard he didn't help her around the house, either, even after she became seriously ill.
My Mom also had spoiled my Dad, Dad would help out if Mom guided him enough, but she would pretty much had to retrain him each day :P Like what's up with that? Dad was a brilliant man, with a great career. But he would be the type if Mom was in bed with the flu, he would poke his head in the door and ask "when's dinner?" He didn't know how to make himself a sandwich.... [sigh].
In order for my FIL to become a decent caregiver he needed various services at home. And the amount of services he needs to be her caregiver increase. He is not a natural caregiver.
My husband is an angel. Right now, he's also a very sad one because we have moved into the bed-bound stage of my MIL's illness. Financially, we cannot maintain the current pace, which compounds the stress my husband is under.
As a wife, I need to help my husband be a caregiver to his dad, who can't do paperwork anymore, while ensuring that his mother gets care she needs but FIL will not ask for. They're in independent living and thank goodness for that!
So I think husbands taking care of wives need the skills - laundry, hygiene, cooking, cleaning - to do a good job. I also feel it's a matter of age (wisdom, maturity) much more than gender. A frail, old man is capable of learning only so much and physically working so much before it catches up. My FIL would have collapsed from exhaustion without 40 hours/week from a helper.
to appreciate that I am trying to do my best.
I quite agree no one should ever criticize or correct another persons post. We have more than enough to put up with already as carers. Also I have a horrible neighbour who is making my life a misery while my husband is dying on his feet. They have fires polluting our house and garden and refuse to do anything about it although they know he has lung disease ( asbestosis).