What can be done when my sister's so self-absorbed at fulfilling her own desires with the extra money she receives from taking care of Mom?

Creating clear lines of communication is key with elderly parents. I have warned my siblings to talk to me directly about anything thats a concern. I will not address anything that is second-hand or through my mother. If my mother states something outrageous that she is victim of, and passes it to a sibling, they are to let me know and we will sit and discuss it with my mother. I have caught several stories that were untrue, and it seems that they have not almost ceased. Having all of you in the same room having a discussion will do wonders. My own mother liked to pit one against the other, thereby creating a "black hole" in the relationships. This meant each of us really could not find out the truth of anything that involved the other, because she has effectively removed the other from being in the loop. Very effective for the most part, but I have wised up. Even though my siblings and I do not speak, for the most part, due to this behavior, I still will not allow my mother to speak ill abut them or pass gossip around. I tire of the drama, and some of what you expressed above sounds like somebody wants to create discord between the siblings so she can be a victim. Being a victim=more attention.

OMG....OMG....to all those people who don't take care of their parents...but sibling does...leave the caretaker alone! There is NO amount of money that can make up for all the mental stress involved...not to mention...'no life' for the caregiver!

Perhaps family therapy with a professional may help out?

Lost how's it going with sister?

If what you say is true, and I do not doubt you, you need to see a lawyer ASAP. Find out what your legal rights are concerning your mother. Know you must be prepaired to take charge of your mom' s care if need be. Good luck, if your sister is as selfish as you believe her to be get ready for a fight.

Correction. I would not have one person be POA and Healthcare care agent. I would have two family members take on one responsibility.

I hope there is a POA and a Healthcare agent. I would suggest one person take on both responsibilities. You mother is with it. If your sister has put herself as POA and she is concerned about her money. She can refused to have her legally responsible. Maybe you or another sibling should take responsibility for you mother. My mother died July17, 2011 she had dementia for many years. I was my mothers Health Care Proxy. My sister was her POA. My sister is a Business Manager and a CPA. I stayed on for 2 years in my mother's home. Which it had been in the family for 49 years. There are 4 siblings. When I put the house on the market. The house sold with in 3 weeks. My sister had the house assessed when my mother died. Property values had risen at the time of sell. So that was our taxable income. But, to sell the house we had to put in septic system and repair the roof over the entrance into the basement. Our tax liability was low after the work we did. My sister also had to do an accounting for the 2 years I lived in the home. Every penny in and out. Once papers where signed on the house. The following day. We had put the house in a trust for are own protection. My mother had done a will and her request was everything be split even 4 ways. The money was divided 4 ways except for the last 10k. We had to release my sister as POA which we did and the 10k was divided. We have just finished my mothers taxes. We need another account to check my sister's accounting. But, also they went far back on my mother's personal taxes. To make sure all taxes where paid. Every penny was accounted for, I am assuming at the very end your sister will be responsible to pay your mother's estate or the money will be taken out of her share. I would keep good notes.

sorry I didn't finish and it posted. she criticizes everything I do. That in itself is bad enough but she accused me of stealing money and started taking pictures of the "so called" neglect. She called APS on me three times. That made my mom cry and say that she wished she was dead. it breaks my heart that my sister is a sociopath that doesn't care who she hurts, she never has. My sister has mentally and physically abused me since I was 3 and she has never been held responsible. She took my mom to the bank and made her close her accounts and put the money into (she said) a joint account with my mom. I said whatever. let her do the bills She refused to reimburse me for things that I had to pay for, for my mom, because she wouldn't give my mom her money when she asked for it. She refused to pay for a plumber for my mom's house. My mom wanted to go and see what was going on at the bank so I took her there and we found out that my sister opened 2 accounts. One with my mom jointly, and one in her name only that my mom couldn't touch. That account is where my sister put the majority of my mom's money. All of her savings. My mom again said that she wished she was dead. This has caused my anxiety to shoot through the roof so much that I had to start going to therapy. It was actually good for me, I learned how to let things go ad concentrate on my mom's care and happiness. I told my sister that she was going to lose me for all the things she was dong and she looked me in the eye with no emotion at all. She has lied to everyone and turned some of my family against me. If she thinks that I will be here after my mom passes, she's wrong. She is poison to my soul. But I know that God will put me where I'm supposed to be and I'll know that I took care of my mom very well because I love her and I promised my dad, on his death bed that I would. God Bless the caretakers!

I'm glad I found this group. I sometimes feel like I'm the only one going through this. I hear so many stories of siblings doing horrible things out of jealousy. I've been taking care of my mom for14 years. The first three of those I helped her care for my dad until he passed from cancer. My sister has done nothing, not one thing to help. She has been free to live her party/vacation life. You'd think that would be good enough for her, but no, she condemns and critisizes

Yes, as John Roberts stated, I have a Caregiver agreement with my grandmother, which our Elder Law Attorney advised us to do. If/when she needs Medicaid, she won't be penalized.

John Roberts, that is an excellent point about the caregiver contract. I met with a Medicaid worker several months ago and this is what he recommended. We put together a caregiver contract and my sister, who is the other POA, signed it on behalf of my mother, and had it notarized. Since I am the primary caregiver and the other POA, I could not go into a contract with myself. My mother has dementia and is unable to make financial or medical decisions for herself. We never charged my mother for anything until this was put into place. This was also done so that we could legally spend down her funds so that we could later apply for Medicaid benefits. I am very thankful that our Medicaid caseworker mentioned this to us.
I have found that taking the legal route, having the proper documentation for all expenses and care, is the best way to proceed.
Thank you for bringing this point up and sharing your valuable advice.

This discussion about caregiver responsibilities, and the rights of the person receiving care, illustrates the value of a written caregiver agreement. The value can be explained with three points on what may be missing:

First, without a written agreement, the elder (and others people involved in care such as physicians and health care providers) can't be sure who is responsible to maintain the needed level of care. A Caregiver Contract provides an organized schedule for care and other services that can be adjusted to your changing needs.

Second, without a written agreement, the family member(s) providing the care are vulnerable to criticism (just or unjust). The Caregiver Contract recognizes and rewards the time and effort that you give to care, and helps prevent arguments and misunderstandings among other family members who can't or won't help out.

Finally, without a written agreement, the elder who pays a family member for care could be disqualified from Medicaid coverage if they need nursing home care in the future. In my state (Massachusetts) the state Medicaid agency and the courts have rejected transfers of money to children or family members who provided care, because there was no written contract or agreement for the care services. The Caregiver Contract documents the compensation and services in a format that Medicaid can understand and accept if nursing home care becomes necessary in the future.

It's never too late to try and reach an understanding among family members. A geriatric care manager or social worker can help coordinate the insights of your physician, nutritionist and other health professionals, to prepare a plan that will protect everyone.

There is alot of judgemental people on here. My wife and I moved in with my grandad 4 years ago and for three years we didnt charge infact we paid for all the food and anything over a 12 month average on the electric. Last year grandpa started getting very mean with my wife threatening to knock the h**l out of her for little things like trying to get him to go back to bed at 3 am, he has demintia and he would think he had to go to work. Anyways the family only comes out very little to visit and helps out none. I quit my job and my wife went to work making a third of what i made and we just couldnt get by on that so we started charging 400 a week and we still pay for the grocerys but no electric. We have two teenagers and I hate that we have to charge but what can we do? This arangment is still much cheaper than a nursing home. Most of the family talks about us behind our back about it but they dont bother trying to help us out any infact if we have a program for one of our kids at school we have to take grandpa to the nursing home for respite care because no one else has time for him but the sure have time to talk about us so please stop and think about what kind of support you give to your loved one before you throw a stone at the ones who are there 24/7

bravo, PinkLA ... BRAVO.

There are several issues here. If you feel that your mother isn’t being taken care of you can take her into your own home or arrange for her to go into an assisted living facility. That is using the assumption that she is in her “right mind”. My siblings believe that my mother is just old and doesn’t have dementia even though I have two letters from doctors stating that my mother cannot make medical or financial decisions for herself. The elderly can claim that they haven’t eaten or done anything five minutes after they have done so. My mom couldn’t tell you what she ate five minutes ago but she can certainly complain about my siblings to everyone who will listen. I KNOW that when I leave the room that she would say things to my siblings about me. Lately she has been referring to me as Sally or Shirley the caregiver to my husband. What it boils down to is are you fueling the discussion about your mom not eating and giving your mother attention or is your mother actually losing weight and unhealthy? Is she pitting one against the other?
If your mother is eating fast food and that is what she wants, why should you deny that to her. My mother used to eat frozen chicken nuggets and frozen hot dogs all day long because she was taking care of 3 great grandchildren. She also suffered from severe diarrhea at the time and stayed in sh*tty pants all day. We now have her on a pretty bland diet, home cooked, but it takes work.
My mother is with us 24/7 and both my husband and I have to plan our days around taking care of my mother. We have not been out to eat together, alone, for longer than I can remember. If I am not in the room with her then my husband is. Do you honestly think that taking care of someone 24/7 is that easy? We used to pay a woman to come in for FOUR hours per day to help my dad $250/week, $1000 per month. And, that was for just four hours per day. If your sister is working she is at home with your mother for a minimum of 14 hours/day. At minimum wage of $10 per hour she should be getting paid $4200/month.
You mentioned that your mother doesn’t want to go into a nursing home. You can certainly step up and have your mother come to live with you if you feel that you can do a better job. I bet that after taking care of your mother for one month 24/7 that you would feel that $2000 isn’t enough for taking care of an elderly woman.
So many people feel that there is an obligation to take care of a parent free and that any minimum payment received is horrendous. I see that often on this site and I see that from some of my siblings.
Well, I say, take that elderly person into your own home. Take care of them 24/7. Pay someone to come in and take care of your elderly parent while you have to go grocery shopping. Pay someone to come in and cook and clean for them while you are at your job. Some people even give up their jobs and homes to take care of their parents.

Personally I haven’t been posting on this site much as of late because of all the judgments that are given because someone is paid for taking care of their parents.

I take care of my grandmother 24 hours a day as well. Like many other caregivers, I work for WAY below minimum wage as well. Cooking in our house is challenging. My husband is on a special diet, while my grandmother is a picky eater...her preferences literally vary from day to day! One day she'll like soup, the next day she hates it. One day she'll like blueberry muffins, or peaches, or chicken, the next day she hates it. I obviously cannot cook to meet her always-changing tastes, so I keep a supply of fresh prepared "fast food" meals from the grocery store on hand, like meat loaf, roasted turkey, chicken pasta meals, etc, and they seem to work well for us in a pinch. They seem to be a good compromise so I don't have to cook all the time, or resort to fast food or frozen meals either. Maybe your mom would enjoy these types of meals as well. If you're overly concerned about her food, try getting her Meals on Wheels, where you'll know she's being given adequate food. Lastly, I do get paid to care for my grandmother, but it's also at a cost to me. I am only 32, and I've given up a successful 7 year career to take care of her, so why shouldn't I be compensated? She much prefers the care from I give her instead of outside help, which by the way would cost her $10,000-$12,000 a month for 24-hour in-home private care. I am SAVING her a ton a money in the long-run! Even if your sister has issues, she is entitled to compensation for the care she gives your mom.

Money is the root of all evil !!!

It's been 5 days since lostinhamilton has posted anything since her question was asked. Was this a real post or are we being "had". Sure would be good to hear something from you lostinhamilton - how are things going etc. Has it gotten better or worse with sis. You've gotten lots of good help here and that is what these posts are for. Let's hear from you so we know you're o.k.

I realize that fast food isn't a good option but it's the reality for a lot of people who don't think they have time to cook or who don't know how to cook. It might be nice for your mom to have something healthier but as long as she lives with your sister, she probably has to live with it. Cutting back on the amount of food your mom will get is a different story, though. That's just cruel. If that's not a mistaken impression, then I would definitely think that your sister should be reported to the authorities.

However, I have to wonder if your mom is able to get Meals-on-Wheels or into some other program that allows the elderly to get some nutritious food?

Or, if you're a proper cook and would take over Mom's care, that's another option to consider.

My question is you say your mother is mentally alert so she is making a choice with your sister. Are you sure you are getting the real story or mom is playing you against each other? Be very careful to assume things. My mother was telling everyone who would listen including my sister that she was bankrupt and we were taking her money, which couldn't be farther from the truth. None of that was true, but none of us realized that she had dementia and with that delusions. We did her grocery shopping and always paid for it with our own funds to help her, and she knew it. She called her elder attorney, who in turn called me about the finances. I told her a blow by blow on the monthly expenses, and offered to send her the records if she wanted to double check them. Well after a very stressful few moments the attorney had the full picture. Thank goodness I could explain and back it up. I had NO idea this was why my sister had been so cold and distant. The attorney told me that she was sure my mother was totally incompetent and she suspected a diagnosis of dementia. Even though this was a very upsetting situation, it also helped us all realize that mom was just not having "senior moments" at 90, but was delusional. Now my sister and I are able to work together even when mom is at her worst. The moral of the story is not to take things at face value. Ask the questions. Get the answers before you judge or accuse without all the facts. Do not assume!

Lostinhamilton how's things working out with your sister?

I'm confused - if you're not allowed to see your mom or check on her well being, how is it that you were able to take your mom to the doctor? Perhaps you should ask your sister how you can further help in the care of your mom instead of wanting to "visit" or "check on her well being".

As our parents age, their needs increase, much as we don't want to admit it. In the case of my 93-yr old mother, her needs increase from one week to the next. And every once in a great while her needs decrease (as in help getting dressed), but that is just for a fleeting while.

We have a brother who lives out of state, hasn't seen our mother in almost a year (and that was just for 1 afternoon), and calls Mom once every 3-4 weeks. He accuses the 4 of us who share in her care of "pampering" our mother. A woman who was diagnosed 3 years ago of mild-to-moderate dementia! Either he doesn't get it or doesn't want to admit it or something else entirely. Whatever the reason, because he isn't here at all helping in Mom's care, his ridiculous comments aren't welcome. I finally told him that unless he has a solution to what he perceives is a problem, then don't comment. And a solution where HE has researched all options, not where he says something & expects the rest of us to do all the leg-work looking into it. Hey, it works in the business world, why shouldn't it work here? Haven't heard a peep out of him since that discussion 18 months ago.

All the other posters who commented the memory isn't what it used to be, reality and imagination are mixed, etc. were spot on. As were the comments re $2000 for Mom to live with your sister, etc. It is incredibly expensive to have an elderly parent live with you, regardless of much or little they eat, especially if the parent refuses to eat fast food or acknowledge how tired a person is after working all day long.


I go back to my initial suggestion of you asking your sister how you can further help re your Mom's care. Not in a judgmental manner but with well-thought-out suggestions of what YOU can do each day or each week. Maybe a good start is the shopping of the food for the meals your mom wants?

I'm going through that with my brother u know its condiderd elder abuse its wrong for anyone to this to their parent its so sad it makes me sick u can ? Her POA and if judge finds wring doing she's done for and no one wants to go to jail for elder or child abuse cause its nothing nice to them inmates don't even like it good luck to over POA befor u cant

If mom just went to the MD and he says she is fine, she's not starving. And mom's version of things may be a bit off, as Jessie said, they get the facts all mixed up, and can make family members believe totally fantastic stories. Mom told us she had given #2son thousands of dollars, which looked really bad for him, but we could not find any real evidence that she did. Lately our mom has come up with some real tall tales. The thing to look for: each time the story is told, some of the details will change and embellish. Real events are mixed up with dream events and distant past events.

A little bit of math correction: sis is working fulltime so she is not with Mom 24/7 x 30.

$2000 a month is about half what Assisted Living would cost. Let's see 24 hours x 30 days = 720 hours. That works out to $2.78 per hour.
Taxable wage? No I think minimum wage in Hamilton is a bit higher.
Sis works full time and brings home fast food? I plead guilty as well.
Sis is going away? Stay with mom. Earn $2.78 per hour.

Consider that your mother's sense of what your sister does or says is probably off at least a little. What you've been told or even think you suspect, if it is not fact, could even hurt the situation if you call social services and then you call again later for something else and they've already been called once for nothing, so make sure it's right before you do that. A note for others; It is illegal to make false accusations or even too many mistaken calls to social services in many states that show know evidence of neglect or abuse, so make sure whatever you choose to report is a fact. I think overall you should consider taking your mother in if you are willing to take her to doctor's appointments. I would start by offering to have mom stay with you when your sister takes her trip, offer to have mom stay with you for a month or two at a time, so sister can have a break. Good luck.

I must say, I am so overwhelmed with your question as well as the situation.
I must digest this & get back to you with an answer. THIS IS NOT OK-neither is elder abuse. I believe this would constitute as such. Your sister is a mental health professional?? She sounds as if she may have mental problems. Are you aware that many people go into that field because that is all they know & have lived??
You & you sister & mom are now in my prayers...

Jessie You are actually right my mother does this too and I remind her that I didn't ask her for anything she came to me and needed my help. I was my mother own decision to live with me. But before I could move to a place big enough for both of us she made a choice while in Rehab/Nursing home that made them say I had to take her out ASAP cause insurance wouldn't pay anymore because she refusing the care. Now we are at my mother house which caused my mother to feel she taking care of me because bills and caring for her is expensive. All I could hear was how I was spending her money and what she paying for this is mental torment to have to hear day in and day out. The only way I could stop this was to tell her that yes it your money but it cost to take care of her and it more than money. I had to remind her that the road she was on before I took on the responsibility of her she would only had 50 from the Nursing home and that it. I began to give her a choice knowing that's I'm doing everything to provide everything she ask and wants. But the real problem I come to realize that all this wasn't really about me it was about my mother not being happy with her life period and she has to find away to complain and make my life unhappy cause she that way. It hard for them to accept that life has come to a point were they have too have someone to make decision for them and they do agree nor do they really want to do it any other way at all. So it about making anyone that's around here unhappy so you have a bunch of unhappiness going on and for what reason misery like company and that why thing go don't the way they do. I just had to see for what it is and refused to aloud any of the negative stuff steal my joy knowing that God see me and He knows all that I'm doing just like He doesn't miss anything else. something else I had to do to stop the money thing was tell her that she can hire me and I'll take care of her and gave her a price of what I charge and she could take it or leave it. Then it made her start counting after the the cost of hire and then she couldn't take me down that road anymore. My mother knew what has to be paid when P.D come in to sit with her and her money not long enough to have fulltime help. You have to out smart them or they will work you and tell you thing that will rock your world. Not to for get hurt you feeling so bad that you feel like crying and feel that what the use. Cause no matter what you choose to do if it not what they want and how they want it and when they want it you haven't done nothing. Just walk in the shoes of caregiver and let it be your parent you see what going down and know for your self you can't be on the out side looking in your totally on another track.

This is elder abuse! I would find out what they call it in your state. You need to take responsibility for your mother or someone else in your family. If your mother is responsible and can choose a POA medically and finicially. If your sister has done this your mother can say no I don't want her. Plus your sister has already abused the POA if she has it. You need to separate your mother from her.