What can be done when my sister's so self-absorbed at fulfilling her own desires with the extra money she receives from taking care of Mom?

I realize that fast food isn't a good option but it's the reality for a lot of people who don't think they have time to cook or who don't know how to cook. It might be nice for your mom to have something healthier but as long as she lives with your sister, she probably has to live with it. Cutting back on the amount of food your mom will get is a different story, though. That's just cruel. If that's not a mistaken impression, then I would definitely think that your sister should be reported to the authorities.

However, I have to wonder if your mom is able to get Meals-on-Wheels or into some other program that allows the elderly to get some nutritious food?

Or, if you're a proper cook and would take over Mom's care, that's another option to consider.

It's been 5 days since lostinhamilton has posted anything since her question was asked. Was this a real post or are we being "had". Sure would be good to hear something from you lostinhamilton - how are things going etc. Has it gotten better or worse with sis. You've gotten lots of good help here and that is what these posts are for. Let's hear from you so we know you're o.k.

Money is the root of all evil !!!

I take care of my grandmother 24 hours a day as well. Like many other caregivers, I work for WAY below minimum wage as well. Cooking in our house is challenging. My husband is on a special diet, while my grandmother is a picky eater...her preferences literally vary from day to day! One day she'll like soup, the next day she hates it. One day she'll like blueberry muffins, or peaches, or chicken, the next day she hates it. I obviously cannot cook to meet her always-changing tastes, so I keep a supply of fresh prepared "fast food" meals from the grocery store on hand, like meat loaf, roasted turkey, chicken pasta meals, etc, and they seem to work well for us in a pinch. They seem to be a good compromise so I don't have to cook all the time, or resort to fast food or frozen meals either. Maybe your mom would enjoy these types of meals as well. If you're overly concerned about her food, try getting her Meals on Wheels, where you'll know she's being given adequate food. Lastly, I do get paid to care for my grandmother, but it's also at a cost to me. I am only 32, and I've given up a successful 7 year career to take care of her, so why shouldn't I be compensated? She much prefers the care from I give her instead of outside help, which by the way would cost her $10,000-$12,000 a month for 24-hour in-home private care. I am SAVING her a ton a money in the long-run! Even if your sister has issues, she is entitled to compensation for the care she gives your mom.

There are several issues here. If you feel that your mother isn’t being taken care of you can take her into your own home or arrange for her to go into an assisted living facility. That is using the assumption that she is in her “right mind”. My siblings believe that my mother is just old and doesn’t have dementia even though I have two letters from doctors stating that my mother cannot make medical or financial decisions for herself. The elderly can claim that they haven’t eaten or done anything five minutes after they have done so. My mom couldn’t tell you what she ate five minutes ago but she can certainly complain about my siblings to everyone who will listen. I KNOW that when I leave the room that she would say things to my siblings about me. Lately she has been referring to me as Sally or Shirley the caregiver to my husband. What it boils down to is are you fueling the discussion about your mom not eating and giving your mother attention or is your mother actually losing weight and unhealthy? Is she pitting one against the other?
If your mother is eating fast food and that is what she wants, why should you deny that to her. My mother used to eat frozen chicken nuggets and frozen hot dogs all day long because she was taking care of 3 great grandchildren. She also suffered from severe diarrhea at the time and stayed in sh*tty pants all day. We now have her on a pretty bland diet, home cooked, but it takes work.
My mother is with us 24/7 and both my husband and I have to plan our days around taking care of my mother. We have not been out to eat together, alone, for longer than I can remember. If I am not in the room with her then my husband is. Do you honestly think that taking care of someone 24/7 is that easy? We used to pay a woman to come in for FOUR hours per day to help my dad $250/week, $1000 per month. And, that was for just four hours per day. If your sister is working she is at home with your mother for a minimum of 14 hours/day. At minimum wage of $10 per hour she should be getting paid $4200/month.
You mentioned that your mother doesn’t want to go into a nursing home. You can certainly step up and have your mother come to live with you if you feel that you can do a better job. I bet that after taking care of your mother for one month 24/7 that you would feel that $2000 isn’t enough for taking care of an elderly woman.
So many people feel that there is an obligation to take care of a parent free and that any minimum payment received is horrendous. I see that often on this site and I see that from some of my siblings.
Well, I say, take that elderly person into your own home. Take care of them 24/7. Pay someone to come in and take care of your elderly parent while you have to go grocery shopping. Pay someone to come in and cook and clean for them while you are at your job. Some people even give up their jobs and homes to take care of their parents.

Personally I haven’t been posting on this site much as of late because of all the judgments that are given because someone is paid for taking care of their parents.

bravo, PinkLA ... BRAVO.

There is alot of judgemental people on here. My wife and I moved in with my grandad 4 years ago and for three years we didnt charge infact we paid for all the food and anything over a 12 month average on the electric. Last year grandpa started getting very mean with my wife threatening to knock the h**l out of her for little things like trying to get him to go back to bed at 3 am, he has demintia and he would think he had to go to work. Anyways the family only comes out very little to visit and helps out none. I quit my job and my wife went to work making a third of what i made and we just couldnt get by on that so we started charging 400 a week and we still pay for the grocerys but no electric. We have two teenagers and I hate that we have to charge but what can we do? This arangment is still much cheaper than a nursing home. Most of the family talks about us behind our back about it but they dont bother trying to help us out any infact if we have a program for one of our kids at school we have to take grandpa to the nursing home for respite care because no one else has time for him but the sure have time to talk about us so please stop and think about what kind of support you give to your loved one before you throw a stone at the ones who are there 24/7

This discussion about caregiver responsibilities, and the rights of the person receiving care, illustrates the value of a written caregiver agreement. The value can be explained with three points on what may be missing:

First, without a written agreement, the elder (and others people involved in care such as physicians and health care providers) can't be sure who is responsible to maintain the needed level of care. A Caregiver Contract provides an organized schedule for care and other services that can be adjusted to your changing needs.

Second, without a written agreement, the family member(s) providing the care are vulnerable to criticism (just or unjust). The Caregiver Contract recognizes and rewards the time and effort that you give to care, and helps prevent arguments and misunderstandings among other family members who can't or won't help out.

Finally, without a written agreement, the elder who pays a family member for care could be disqualified from Medicaid coverage if they need nursing home care in the future. In my state (Massachusetts) the state Medicaid agency and the courts have rejected transfers of money to children or family members who provided care, because there was no written contract or agreement for the care services. The Caregiver Contract documents the compensation and services in a format that Medicaid can understand and accept if nursing home care becomes necessary in the future.

It's never too late to try and reach an understanding among family members. A geriatric care manager or social worker can help coordinate the insights of your physician, nutritionist and other health professionals, to prepare a plan that will protect everyone.

John Roberts, that is an excellent point about the caregiver contract. I met with a Medicaid worker several months ago and this is what he recommended. We put together a caregiver contract and my sister, who is the other POA, signed it on behalf of my mother, and had it notarized. Since I am the primary caregiver and the other POA, I could not go into a contract with myself. My mother has dementia and is unable to make financial or medical decisions for herself. We never charged my mother for anything until this was put into place. This was also done so that we could legally spend down her funds so that we could later apply for Medicaid benefits. I am very thankful that our Medicaid caseworker mentioned this to us.
I have found that taking the legal route, having the proper documentation for all expenses and care, is the best way to proceed.
Thank you for bringing this point up and sharing your valuable advice.

Yes, as John Roberts stated, I have a Caregiver agreement with my grandmother, which our Elder Law Attorney advised us to do. If/when she needs Medicaid, she won't be penalized.

I'm glad I found this group. I sometimes feel like I'm the only one going through this. I hear so many stories of siblings doing horrible things out of jealousy. I've been taking care of my mom for14 years. The first three of those I helped her care for my dad until he passed from cancer. My sister has done nothing, not one thing to help. She has been free to live her party/vacation life. You'd think that would be good enough for her, but no, she condemns and critisizes

sorry I didn't finish and it posted. she criticizes everything I do. That in itself is bad enough but she accused me of stealing money and started taking pictures of the "so called" neglect. She called APS on me three times. That made my mom cry and say that she wished she was dead. it breaks my heart that my sister is a sociopath that doesn't care who she hurts, she never has. My sister has mentally and physically abused me since I was 3 and she has never been held responsible. She took my mom to the bank and made her close her accounts and put the money into (she said) a joint account with my mom. I said whatever. let her do the bills She refused to reimburse me for things that I had to pay for, for my mom, because she wouldn't give my mom her money when she asked for it. She refused to pay for a plumber for my mom's house. My mom wanted to go and see what was going on at the bank so I took her there and we found out that my sister opened 2 accounts. One with my mom jointly, and one in her name only that my mom couldn't touch. That account is where my sister put the majority of my mom's money. All of her savings. My mom again said that she wished she was dead. This has caused my anxiety to shoot through the roof so much that I had to start going to therapy. It was actually good for me, I learned how to let things go ad concentrate on my mom's care and happiness. I told my sister that she was going to lose me for all the things she was dong and she looked me in the eye with no emotion at all. She has lied to everyone and turned some of my family against me. If she thinks that I will be here after my mom passes, she's wrong. She is poison to my soul. But I know that God will put me where I'm supposed to be and I'll know that I took care of my mom very well because I love her and I promised my dad, on his death bed that I would. God Bless the caretakers!

I hope there is a POA and a Healthcare agent. I would suggest one person take on both responsibilities. You mother is with it. If your sister has put herself as POA and she is concerned about her money. She can refused to have her legally responsible. Maybe you or another sibling should take responsibility for you mother. My mother died July17, 2011 she had dementia for many years. I was my mothers Health Care Proxy. My sister was her POA. My sister is a Business Manager and a CPA. I stayed on for 2 years in my mother's home. Which it had been in the family for 49 years. There are 4 siblings. When I put the house on the market. The house sold with in 3 weeks. My sister had the house assessed when my mother died. Property values had risen at the time of sell. So that was our taxable income. But, to sell the house we had to put in septic system and repair the roof over the entrance into the basement. Our tax liability was low after the work we did. My sister also had to do an accounting for the 2 years I lived in the home. Every penny in and out. Once papers where signed on the house. The following day. We had put the house in a trust for are own protection. My mother had done a will and her request was everything be split even 4 ways. The money was divided 4 ways except for the last 10k. We had to release my sister as POA which we did and the 10k was divided. We have just finished my mothers taxes. We need another account to check my sister's accounting. But, also they went far back on my mother's personal taxes. To make sure all taxes where paid. Every penny was accounted for, I am assuming at the very end your sister will be responsible to pay your mother's estate or the money will be taken out of her share. I would keep good notes.

Correction. I would not have one person be POA and Healthcare care agent. I would have two family members take on one responsibility.

If what you say is true, and I do not doubt you, you need to see a lawyer ASAP. Find out what your legal rights are concerning your mother. Know you must be prepaired to take charge of your mom' s care if need be. Good luck, if your sister is as selfish as you believe her to be get ready for a fight.

Lost how's it going with sister?

Perhaps family therapy with a professional may help out?

OMG....OMG....to all those people who don't take care of their parents...but sibling does...leave the caretaker alone! There is NO amount of money that can make up for all the mental stress involved...not to mention...'no life' for the caregiver!

Creating clear lines of communication is key with elderly parents. I have warned my siblings to talk to me directly about anything thats a concern. I will not address anything that is second-hand or through my mother. If my mother states something outrageous that she is victim of, and passes it to a sibling, they are to let me know and we will sit and discuss it with my mother. I have caught several stories that were untrue, and it seems that they have not almost ceased. Having all of you in the same room having a discussion will do wonders. My own mother liked to pit one against the other, thereby creating a "black hole" in the relationships. This meant each of us really could not find out the truth of anything that involved the other, because she has effectively removed the other from being in the loop. Very effective for the most part, but I have wised up. Even though my siblings and I do not speak, for the most part, due to this behavior, I still will not allow my mother to speak ill abut them or pass gossip around. I tire of the drama, and some of what you expressed above sounds like somebody wants to create discord between the siblings so she can be a victim. Being a victim=more attention.